When did you find out?
That you’re not everything you want to be.
When did it happen to you?
At what age did you come to realize that the world doesn’t give a shit about you?
Inadequacy
How do you feel when you hear that word?
Does it stab you in the soul as it does to me?
Does it move you to tears in the way it does to me?
I’m not afraid of it, I am it.
To be not good enough, is all I know.
For brief moments does my mind change and I feel strong, capable, intelligent, confident even.
Very brief moments.
Smoke and mirrors.
It’s all a facade. Where’s the truth?
My mind has no objective foundation, all is hearsay and conjecture.
Untrustworthy narrator.
“You should be more confident”, I’ve heard it time and again from others.
Doesn’t matter. If I don’t believe it, doesn’t matter what anybody says.
For so damn long I’ve been beating myself up for not being what I wish I was.
I allow myself to belittle and minimize my achievements. To strengthen the neural pathways of negative reinforcement.
What a fucking tragedy.
I embarrass myself, to myself. How is that even possible.
UGH
I always blame me. It’s always been just me.
I want to be my own best friend instead of my own worst enemy. So badly.
Live on hope, instead of anxiety.
A pipe dream. Probably. Who knows. Not I.
Frustrating.