Early Spring ends with a glimpse of what the future can hold. Warmth, but just for a moment. The skies aren’t finished seeding the ground with growth potential. The storms roll back in, not always will it rain, but often clouds will cover the blue sky yearning to break through. This year, the Spring seems to drag on. Welcome? Uncertain. Necessary? Likely. Difficult? Without a doubt.
First Songs of the Season
Clouds roll back in, the sun is blocked once again, shadows dissolve on the ground. Plants hold for a moment as the promise of sun seems to be in question. Perhaps some eager life is caught just a centimeter above the earth. Thirsting for a chance to grow into something great. They must be patient, for this Spring will be a Long and Winding Road. “The wild and windy night, that the rain washed away, has left a pool full of tears”, “Many times I’ve been alone and many times I’ve cried, Anyway, you’ll never know the many ways I’ve tried.” The grey clouds darken the day, soften the colours. The headwinds are blowing strong, pushing me in directions I know not to go. My heart is strong, my legs are weak. “But still they lead me back to the long winding road.”
Along the long and winding road, I look around to find camaraderie. I begin to see others on the path. I’m not alone on this Journey, yet, I feel lonely. A deep pit in my stomach is felt, as I look to my fellow travelers. “Ah, look at all the lonely people. Where do they all belong?”.
Second Songs of the Season
Of course, the clouds get darker and darker along the road and eventually begin to pour their hearts out onto all the weary, lonely travelers. Some seek cover to wait out the storm, others speed up hoping they can beat the storm. I stop under the rain for a moment to soak in the reality of the situation, then continue forward under the blackened skies, “we shine brighter in the dark”. I reach out to others also pushing through the rain. Even though we are both equally drenched, “I cannot explain the feeling of alone, the loneliness”. I’m reminded this Journey, however unique it feels, is not. These people I share this Journey with are all experiencing similar challenges. Some have been on this path for much longer than I. As much as I wish to help them along, I need to take care of myself first.
Lightening strikes and in a moment of brief panic I slip and fall. I’m only on the ground for a moment, but the moment has left me injured. Wounded and pained, I arise to assess the damages. Minor, yet plenty bad to set me back on my Journey. Worst of all, I look ahead and to my bewilderment, the road seems to be getting more and more challenging, ahead is a wall. Others have given up here and are resting on the wall, a few have turned around and given up. Not me. “Well, climbin’ over that wall. I remember, yes, I remember, yes, I remember it all. Swear the height be too tall, so like September I fall.” No. I will not give up on me. Up and over I go. My body still pained from the two falls, I patch myself up and move forward again knowing I can overcome challenges even after failure, even whilst pained. “Self-care, I’m treatin’ me right. Hell yeah, we gonna be alright.”
Third Songs of the Season
With a bit of confidence I march forward. Embracing the storm now, I step with purpose. Each step seems to echo the last. ow many steps have I already taken? I look back for a glimpse at the winding path behind me. Not sure what I expected to see, but what shows is not it. All I see at footprints, the path is obscured by the downpour. All I see are the echoes. “It’s the echoes that I wait for. It’s the echoes on the return.”, “Ridin’ through the thunder, Tryna see the summer.”. I don’t think twice, I turn back around, take a deep breath and continue my march. “Breakin’ through the echoes. Breathin’ through the echoes.”
The echoes continue. Every step I take they reverberate through my body and mind. I can’t shake them. The echoes have me questioning. Is the path I’m taking the right one? I want to believe in myself, trust myself. “One of one, I’m in the zone right now. Tell me, am I still?” While still moving forward with an ounce of doubt I search for and find a few people to give me guidance. “you’ve been fightin’ for your shot, And you’ve been searchin’ for your spot. Oh, you think you got your groove. But you want someone like you.” The echoes continue, “I’m lookin’ at her, when her startin’ to turn to you. Now you startin’ to fuck up my mind, is it you, is it her?”.
Last Song of the Season
All of a sudden the storm breaks for a moment. Wet and tired from the constant echoes I pray this storm has passed. Well, no point in stopping for a break now, let’s take advantage of the moment. “I’m just onto the next thing.” It’s due time I keep time and thus keep track of progress. I’ve looked back and seen darkness. I start seriously documenting this long and winding road. It helps me stay focused on the goal. “New mind state in a new spot. Fuck a TikTok, bought a new watch.” Progress is undeniable now, I’m doing well. This Spring is long, but I know the positive results of the hard work will come. I hope. I don’t really know, but I dream. Success isn’t guaranteed, so I guess I’ll need to continue forward with whatever doubt remains, and prove it to myself. “Am I killing it or am I losing it?”
Falling out of routine on something is not an immediately noticeable phenomenon. Often, it starts slow, missing a day, making a singular excuse, and then it cascades into missing multiple days. Eventually, you stop whatever it is altogether. Usually, hopefully, you notice this regression before you completely cease to do whatever activity you’re intending on maintaining. This point in time realization is a key moment for you to realign your intentions and bring yourself back to the right path. It’s important to not fault yourself for wandering off path, because truthfully, it’s inevitable. Sometimes it’s caused by something, like a lapse, or relapse, other times it just happens. As a human being, being inconsistent is natural. Forming habits and sticking to them isn’t some guaranteed reality. Dedication and consistency are incredibly hard to cultivate within oneself. Honestly, that’s part of the reason why I am so impressed with many professional athletes, because in order to perform at that level, you must have incredible will power to maintain proficiency.
So when the inevitable fall off happens, what do you do to get back on track? How does one, “reel it back in”? Before I go on answering those questions, I want to confess my own reasoning for this analysis. Many times in my life, I’ve established a path for myself, then succulently deviated by a matter of slowly falling off. Take the book for example. Ideally it is a daily activity to check in with it, to check myself. It’s a silent accountability partner, a reflection of my own mentality. The book provides to me a measure of progress. Without the book, progress is untracked and undirected. Not staying consistent with the book, is undoubtedly correlated with falling out of routine with all other aspects of my life. So this inquiry of how to get back on track is vital for me to stay honest to my long term objectives.
There are a few strategies worth considering to support the reorientation of direction and reignition of positive momentum. The first step of course is identifying the situation. Catching yourself falling out of routine should be a humongous red flag. Alarm bells should be going off. Do not press the snooze button on those feelings. Listen and learn from them. To ignore that realization is to be complicit in your own failure to stay true to yourself. You must do something about it, and quick, immediately if you can. Do not delay, do not hesitate, act. What to do, though, what to do? Do it, duh! But it’s not always that easy. Let me be clear, addressing the fall off is more than just “getting back on the path”. You need to get back on the path, look back, look forward, and give yourself a nice lil push to get moving again. What’s that look like practically?
Three things: retrospection, dream, and simplify.
Retrospection comes in many forms. Looking back on where you came from, commending your progress, identifying pitfalls, and loving your journey are so key. For me, this comes in a few shapes. I will flip back through the pages of my book and cross off the things I’ve done days after initially writing them. This gives me an opportunity to realize the productivity of days past. Identify and substantiate the progress I’ve made. Each crossed off activity is a step in the right direction. To see those past steps taken gives me confidence in my ability to take more in the future. Progress is often so slow that it’s hard to feel at any point along the way. You can feel a single step, or series of steps, but it’s so difficult to feel the hundreds, thousands, of steps you’ve taken that have gotten you to where you are today. Try your hardest to feel that collective of minute positive movements, they are a culmination of your hard work. Celebrate your progress, pat yourself on the back, tell yourself “good job”. Don’t dwell on the past, respect it and turn toward the future.
Dream. This is also a common time for me to write a note to self. Especially if it has been a while since my last reflection. It’s a moment for me to commemorate. My note to self messages are often very forward looking. Charging myself up for what I wish to become. They come with a mix of congratulations, and medium term goal setting. Perhaps your journey is taking a previously unexpected change in direction, perhaps the path has narrowed, or the terrain has changed. Something has occurred to make the future unlike the past, don’t expect to continue on successfully without a change inexecution. “What has gotten us here is insufficient to get us further.” Take time to plan how you will address the future path. Reassess your routine and make the necessary modifications to accommodate your reality.
Simplify. Declutter your life, shed the weight you’ve been carrying before you move forward. This could be chores around the house for instance. I know for myself that laundry and dishes are a fantastic indicator of my mental cleanliness. How do you expect to move forward on your journey without clearing the pathway, without dropping the weight of past travels? See if there is a way to grease the wheels of your vehicle. For example, put the book “in your way” so you can’t neglect it in the morning when you arise. Ensure you have the right food in the fridge and pantry for meals. Spend a moment prepping for the week ahead so you have a clear runway to gain momentum on. These activities will get you moving, baby steps as you spin up your engine, and alleviate the stress of the first few big steps you will take as you begin moving back in the right direction.
Then go. Take a deep breath, and move forward. Repeat to yourself your mantra. Believe in yourself and get moving. Momentum is built over time, not instantly. Remember that. Respect that. Immediate gratification is a myth, a farce, a facade, a siren beckoning you’d be best to reject. What you’re working toward will take time to earn. Don’t be hard on yourself for not already being where you want to be. Be hard on yourself for expecting everything from nothing. They say Rome wasn’t built in a day. The pyramids, or the great wall, weren’t erected overnight. Effort over time yields results, it’s your job to put in that effort, it’s your responsibility to continue to put in that effort over time. Do it, results will come.
P.S. It feels like I’ve written this post before. Which is a testament to the reality of falling off.
Life ain’t easy, and for some people, it’s particularly challenging. We all face our own challenges along the way, and to overcome them makes us stronger. This practice of record and review is my way of exercising the muscles that support my ability to communicate with others, which is a challenge of mine considering my autism. Other people have overcome their own disabilities and for that I am encouraged. Empowerment comes in all shapes and sizes, colors and rhythms. Use that to your advantage. Kaizen.
Andromeda. The nearest sister galaxy to our own Milkyway, named after Greek mythology heart-throb. An apt name for such a loving and beautiful creature as a cat. As I write this she is laying on top of me, and as I edit it a few days later, right beside. A stunning tortouiseshell, white pawed, split faced, pointy earied demonspawn.
Pet Ownership Morallity
Animals as pets have always presented a moral quandary within me. How is it fair that these beings are more or less forced to live with their owners? As a counter point, you look at longevity statistics and it apparently it pays off to live inside and be a pet. However I wonder, does living a longer, less exciting, life best a short and thrilling one? Hard to say. Some pet owners are really sweet to their pets, others, not so much. The pet doesn’t really get to choose the owner either, and obviously doesn’t have the outright ability to walk away from the situation they may find themselves in. Soooo, is pet ownership morally wrong? Sounds kinda like slavery.
Evolutionary Utility
For millennia cats and dogs have lived alongside humans. It’s basically built into their DNA. Domestication is a strange, strange concept. Evolutionarily dogs and humans joined forces to hunt for food. And cats and humans joined forces to protect food stocks. But that utilitarian viewpoint for pet ownership has for the most part gone away. Now they are more often than not emotional support animals. Still, it’s hard to say in either scenario exactly what the animal feels is a fair arrangement.
Symbiotic Relationships
I take very good care of my cat, she is my best friend. Andromeda helps me understand some of the more simple and obvious parts of life. Andromeda is less a pet and more friend in my eyes. But then again, when I go take a hike and pick up sticks and rocks I end up calling those my friends as well. Maybe that’s not the best word, perhaps companion is more like it. Pets are humans’ companions. There’s something so unique about the beauty of life in an alternate package with a different genealogy and subspecies utility. The variation in types of pets people take in is also interesting, there’s cats, dogs, rabbits, birds, snakes, geckos, lizards. Shoot, you can have really big pets like pigs, cows, sheep and horses although not as common, and most often those domesticated animals are bred for farming. Without a doubt the most popular pets are cats and dogs. I wonder why that is.
My Companion
Andromeda is the best companion I could ask for. We met when she was only a few months old, picked up off the street somewhere in the south, then transported to a shelter in Pittsburgh. The same shelter that I just so happened to walk in to that faithful day in early 2020. She’s got a wonderful personality, very talkative, very expressive, intelligent and able to communicate her needs. Does she really need me to survive? I doubt it. But she knows that she can rely on me to survive, and because of that dependability, what feels like a great appreciation is born. Because if you’re with someone that gives you everything that you need to survive it’s hard not to love them for consistently taking care of you.
Andromeda has done so much for me as a person. I’ve come to better realize why it is we as humans have cats. As I was saying earlier, back in the old days they were for chasing off vermin and protecting the crop from the most recent harvest. Now, they are a luxury addition to our lives. They don’t lack the same utility, for instance Andromeda will gladly chase down bugs and mice if she sees them, even catch a snake and bring it to me. All those old engrained utilities are nice and all, but there’s more. Andromeda helps me in ways I don’t even think she understands.
Andromeda has been there for me in the brightest and darkest moments of my life. The value she provides in my life is immeasurable. To get some of the obvious things out of the way, of course the regular requirement to keep another animal alive is non negligible. That responsibility helps you follow your own routine and gives you an opportunity to be a better person. One level deeper than that, they also help you appreciate your own life more. She helps me cope with the stresses of modern life. Helps me relax and take it easy, to appreciate the simpler things. Recently, in my stress management course I learned that having an animal in your life can greatly benefit your mental health. Apparently divorced men in their 20s and 30s are 10x more likely to die. I give a lot of credit to my own survival to the fact that Andromeda was there for me.
Some of the different things that I love about Andromeda is when she really wants to play she will bring her toy to you wherever you may be in the house. String in mouth, roaring like a lion, she will drop it at your feet and demand play, doesn’t matter if you’re busy or not. Miss Andromeda has a strong affinity for strings, specifically shoelaces. Whether they’re on a shoe or not she very much enjoys shoelaces which is I guess no surprise because she also loves snakes. Something in her DNA says that those are fun to play with, or that you should chase and kill them. Often playing with Andromeda feels like I’m giving her some exercise in what her species was for so long dedicated to do for humankind.
She loves to nibble on me when I don’t pet her enough. Like she will grab my hand with her paw or bite to say, “you’re not done petting yet”. When I got Andromeda I said to myself, I want a cat that would kind of be a bitch, and I definitely got a cat like that. She’s very food motivated as well. Always hopping up on the chair next to me when I’m having dinner, pawing at my spoon every bite trying to get her share of the food. I’ll let her have a little bit of salmon or chicken from time to time because I can’t help but spoil her.
She’s so smart she knows how to do a few tricks I taught her when she was a kid. She can sit, stay, shake hands and spin around. She loves showing those off to new friends. Matter of fact, she loves making new friends. Whenever I bring anyone over, she is the most friendly and curious cat. Never running away and hiding, which I love. She has different types of meows that communicate different things to me. Whether she’s happy or upset, needs water, food, play or a clean box. She will paw at the window or door to the patio when she wants a breath of fresh air. Needless to say, she has a way of getting what she wants. She knows her name, and she’s knows when she’s being a trouble maker. Like when she tries biting my toothbrush or puts her back paws on the table.
She’s a split gene tortoise shell, meaning one of her sides is a little bit lighter than the other. It’s very obvious in her face, but the split goes all the way down her backside. Her left side has substantially more tabby in it. Funny enough, I think she knows that because whenever she goes to stretch or lay down she always tries to show off that tabby side. She doesn’t love it when I try to give her kisses on the forehead and she doesn’t normally let me play with her paws or toe beans either. And she absolutely despises when I sing, I think she’s under the impression I’m dying because she will come up and bite me in the neck as if that will resuscitate me. Once every blue moon she will lose one of her bright white whiskers around the house, and it feels like an easter egg finding one.
I can’t imagine life without her. She is, without a doubt, the most precious and beautiful thing in my life. Recently, with all the stress I’ve been going through, her and I will just cuddle together and breathe. She gives great hugs and loves to be held. Anytime I go to lay down, no matter where I am in the house, moments later she’ll arrive. Not so patiently awaiting her opportunity to lay down on my right hip and sprawl out. When I’m not around to be her personal heater, she’ll lay on my clothes, clean or dirty, doesn’t matter. I imagine she’s attracted to my scent. If not in a pile of laundry, you can find her on the bed, on a window sill, in the hammock, or occasionally on top of the cupboards in the bathtub. She’s got all her spots, and every so often will deviate, like when she plops down in a drawer, or sneaks into the medicine closet when I’m not looking.
Wherever she decides to rest, I know deep down she is at peace being with me. Our bound is strong. I love her very much, and I can tell she loves me.
Still working on Eye Contact, always working to improve my filler word usage. I actually think I need more practice generally, like talking to more people any given week. Kinda weird, but I still don’t think I am talking to enough people to get an actual gauge on my progress. Need to get my face in front of other people’s faces.
Note to the reader: This was posted many months after it was written.
What does it mean to be in love? What does it mean to be alone? What does it mean to be alive?
Coming Back from a Pause
It’s been far too long since I’ve touched this blog. To be honest, it’s been far too long since I’ve been myself. But who even am I?
I return to this place once again in the darkest depths of my life. Last we spoke, I was celebrating being a homeowner for a whole year, a life goal I didn’t know would ever be attainable. Such a fantastic accomplishment at a very young age. Who would have thought it could get any better? What I didn’t realize at the time was that the person who was taking that picture would become be the center of my life, Mary.
Mary
This woman would soon be my world. My sun and moon rose and fell for her. We met so young, so fresh in our lives. We fell madly in love almost instantly. There’s never been a person more for me than her. Together we built a life, a family, a home, a story that would never end. We married after 3 years of partnership. A partnership that saw us survive the global Covid pandemic, heart surgery, the death of loved ones, the adoption of two precious kittens, the joys of adventure in some of the most beautiful places. Countless memories we made together, many hardships we overcame together, we were inseparable.
I felt like I had found my true love, so I put everything I had into her. I spent so much time, effort and money supporting her. Trusting her and building my life around her. She put just as much time and effort into the relationship, putting up with my weird quirks and always encouraging me to be great. We worked tirelessly to get her through school; her associates, bachelors and then onto her masters. We would both end up working multiple jobs to afford and enjoy the life that we had. We started saving up for a forever home together. There were so many happy memories we made together it’s hard to tell the whole story. We played games together, board games and video games like Stardew Valley, Animal Crossing or Fortnite. We had sushi dates regularly, which was an homage to our first date. We hiked the local mountain countless times, I would end up proposing at the top of that mountain. She welcomed me into her family and we spent multiple Christmas breaks with them down in Tampa.
We travelled all over exploring some of the greatest cities and national parks the east coast has to offer. We would go to the beach and she would comb for sea glass while I’d find interesting shells. We would say we were rich if we came back with a big haul. In the winter, we would make snow angels, and we even built a snowman in the park that lasted for weeks. We would drive by it and always giggle that he was still standing. We rode bikes together, one time broke both our hands within the same week.
Played beer die with each other and our friends. We went to countless bookstores to fuel her insatiable love for reading, I would peruse the music section to find classics. We would sit at the kitchen table and talk for hours and hours about everything under the sun. We grew together, and created the most beautiful relationship I’ve ever experienced. I loved her with all my heart. I trusted her completely. She was my Mur.
Betrayal
Two and a half years into our marriage and we make the decision to move her up to Maine for graduate school to pursue her dreams while I stayed back in Pittsburgh to pursue mine in my career. After a single semester away, she had a whole new group of friends, and a whole new personality. I visit every month, sometimes multiple times a month to stay connected to her, but slowly a divide grew between us. I get jealous of one of her new friends and ask if there is anything between them. She tells me no, and makes me feel bad for even considering it. One month later I learn the truth, she was having an affair with that “friend”, and I didn’t learn about it until her downstairs neighbors reached out to tell me.
That’s right, her downstairs neighbors were the ones to break the news to me. They sought me out and sent an email because they felt compelled to uphold their own integrity. For that I am eternally grateful. Maybe for every two horrible people, there are four great ones. Or maybe not, perhaps they were just assholes with a conscious. I sent them a thank you present and they wrote back. If it wasn’t for them, I may have never known.
Grief
I’ve never been more betrayed in my whole life. The emotions I’ve felt in the past months as I work through the grief, and we work through the divorce, have been unbelievably horrendous. I can’t fathom how anyone could do this to the person they love, but here I am entrenched in sorrow and embarrassment. I’m lost, and alone. Afraid of the unknown to come. I’ve done everything I can to just stay alive. I used to say that this marriage was the greatest decision in my life, now I say this divorce is the worst moment in my life. I have never been lower. I had to call the suicide hotline one of the first nights after it all came to light because I was truly on the brink. Isolated and overwhelmed in grief in the home we made together. The home we survived in together, the one we were alive in together. The home where our love began.
What does it mean to be in love? What does it mean to be alone? What does it mean to be alive?
Introspection
I find myself asking these questions often now as the days go on. I keep moving forward while such a huge part of my life is now gone. Am I alone? Or am I free? What is life without love? Why have I chosen to stay alive?
I find myself asking these over and over. I ask, how could she have done this? How could you do this to someone you love? What does love even mean?
The answers never come. The questions create darkness I wallow in until my tear ducts have ran dry. I yell into the void for nothing but silence to return.
Nobody has the answers for any of these questions and it frustrates me beyond comprehension. I can’t even muster an explanation that even scratches the surface of all of these impossibly complex queries. Life is not simple. It’s undeniably complex and messy. I suppose the reason why this frustrates me so is because I’ve been proven wrong. Nobody really likes to learn of their own ignorance, it mocks us and belittles our ego. Instead of resenting my ignorance, I wish to understand. Perhaps I ought to embrace the ignorance and learn something instead. There’s got to be a lesson here in the mud. It feels as though the only reason I was “wrong” was because I felt like I understood what love meant, I felt sure of it. Perhaps you’re only wrong when you settle on an answer that you believe is definitive. Maybe the answers to those questions are never the same no matter who or when you ask them. The answers are alive and infinite. There’s beauty in believing you’re right, you can flourish for a time, but you must know deep down that all things change over time. As such, what it means to love, to be alone, to be alive, also change. Strength comes from understanding that fundamental truth, accepting it and enjoying all the moments regardless.
In my quest for understanding, I’ve neglected that truth. We try our best each and every day, but does it mean anything if it will all change and come undone in the end?
I’d like to think it does, but right now, I’m uncertain. Doubt courses through my veins. I turn inward once again in search of who I am, perhaps I can find meaning there. I need a question I can answer to get me moving again.
What are you going to do about it?
I am going to be strong. I am going to stay healthy. Worlds crumble, but from the rubble, they can be rebuilt. It’s winter right now in the season of life, and I know spring comes next. Soon the rains will pour and I will be given the greatest opportunity in life, growth. I’ve read back many of my words from times before and they all still resonate true within me. I am still a good person, and I still deserve a life full of joy and splendor. This relationship was not a failure by my doing. Blame isn’t always useful in situations like this, and it’s not fair to call the whole relationship a failure. There were many great lessons and successes along the way. What she did was wrong, but it’s only a failure if I reject the opportunity to learn and grow from it. Learning from a mistake that wasn’t your own can be difficult. But, I’ve learned and I’ve grown through many mistakes and failures before, and this one will be no different. I need a plan. I know that with hard work and dedication I will become a stronger version of me. Back to the book I go. New title, Keep Moving Forward.
As for the next few months, my main priorities are me. 1. Health and Fitness. I am going to get in the best shape of my life and I am going to love myself for it. 2. Focus on my career. I am going to reaffirm my passion for engineering and discover new pathways for my knowledge, expertise and skillset to be challenged.
All else is out of consideration.
I need a change in scenery, and I think its been far too long since I’ve been on the move, so I’ve got a few places to check off the list. They may not all get done this year, but as I take a break from working, here is where I plan to go.
Spain Croatia Austria South Korea Japan Vietnam/Thailand Singapore Philippines New Zealand
I’ll still keep my house in Pittsburgh for when I eventually return home. But I don’t plan on living there forever. I hope my new work situation will take me to the pacific northwest. Somewhere where there are beautiful beaches for relaxation and cloud cresting mountaintops for ascending.
I’m not going to stress myself out and worry about finding love again for a while. If it finds me, I’ll be the best me to accept it. For now, I’m going in search of knowledge. I’m going to find myself.
I suck at eye contact, plain and simple. I could lie and say I don’t know why, but lying is a sin. This week, and likely for the rest of the summer, we are going to be working on our eye contact. Looking at people as they walk by. Maintaining eye contact when talking to people. If I gesture at someone with a hello, head nod, or cap tip (which I actually do sometimes lmao) don’t look away.
This undoubtedly will be a solid challenge for me since my neurodivergent mind can’t seem to look at people, but I know just how important it is. Physical presence is just as important as vocal presence, if not a little more. Posture and eye contact are HUGE. I’m starting on eye contact, but know that posture will come next. Both need some work. KAIZEN baby, let’s get it!
Oh, complete side note, new Mantra just dropped… “Become one with …”
Relationships are special, no matter how brief or impactful. Each connection you make with another person is incredible in its own right. I’ve, alike many others, been blessed by the presence of some incredible people in my time here on Earth. Through these relationships I’ve grown into who I am today. Family, Friends, Partners, Lovers, Mentors, and Strangers have all played a part in the formulation of me. Without them, I would not be where I am today. I’m so thankful to have been in their life, and for them to have been in mine.
Visualized Relations
I’ve decided to draw my life relations on a timeline the way I conceptualize them. With people as the lines coming in and out of my life, the strength and impact of those relationships highlighted in the strength of the line. The nature of the relationship highlighted in the colour. And the closeness showcased in nearness to my lifeline. Green is family, blue is friends, red and pink are partners and flings respectively. This isn’t a super high fidelity diagram, but more a rough showcase of who has come and gone in my life over time.
Make the Most of Each Connection
Each relationship is so dear to my heart. There is so much that can come from that connection. It’s important to me to maximize the experience I share with each person that comes into my life. You never know when a random chance acquaintance can turn into a very meaningful relationship for years and years.
Alrighty! Filler words are going away at a steady pace, conjunctive overuse is dwindling, and no longer does everybody, “you know”.
It’s time for me to start addressing a few more areas of speech that need improvement. Let’s start with pausing. I don’t always have to be speaking! Introducing pausing into my speech will provide me with a strong tool to emphasize a point or allow my listener to internalize my message.
Looking forward to not being a rambling story-teller. Hit ’em with the pause!
I recently travelled to San Diego to celebrate my sisters graduation and awarding of her teacher’s credential. It was a hell of a vacation. I went with a couple of objectives in mind. Primarily to spend some time with my family, and to celebrate my sister’s achievement. Secondarily, I was hoping to take opportunities to experiment with some social scenarios I don’t normally engage in. In essence, to challenge myself socially. Push my own boundaries and determine how much I’ve grown. Also, how much I am able to push my social battery limits. Both missions were successful, however I did have an optional side quest I was unable to check off. More on that later in a future post.
Takeaways
So what did I learn? Well, family is a funny thing, and people are very proud of the relationships they have created. Humans are social creatures, right? They thrive off other human interactions, right? Well most people do, I do only sometimes. As I’ve discussed in previous posts, I find it tremendously difficult to engage with others when I am not mentally prepared for it. By mentally prepared, I mean, that I have the energy capacity and will to exchange with others. If either of those elements is not present, James is going to be a tough cookie to crack.
Family
The family was great. We had a few very nice dinners and took a few pictures with my sister all gown-ed up. I haven’t spoken deeply on my family before on this blog but I think it’s due time.
Born second of three to a set of two hard working parents. My middle child syndrome was felt fairly often. My grandma would be responsible for getting me and my two sisters to and from school every day, driving us in her blue ford Tarus bumping oldies. My older sister had great academic potential but was stifled but a few learning disabilities that she overcame through therapy. My younger sister was a social butterfly that enjoyed getting into trouble. Both my parents and grandmother recognized early on that I was a “mostly” easy case. Not that interested in breaking the rules, gifted in school which allowed me to skate by unassisted. This afforded me the opportunity to run my own show. By 13 I was working a steady soccer reffing job on the weekends, and when I hit 16, my license to drive became a gateway to freedom that moved me even farther from reliance on my family. What I didn’t know at the time was just how this fiercely independent boy would grow up to build complete self reliance, but would harbor trauma from his glass childhood.
I love my family, but that doesn’t mean I enjoy spending much time with them. I appreciate all that my parents, grandmother, and sisters did for me throughout childhood, but I became an adult much too young. That adult I became, he wasn’t a family guy. He wasn’t a friends guy. He didn’t really give a shit about forming relationships because his entire upbringing was a trial in self sufficiency and intentional isolation. This wasn’t “forced” onto me per se, I just knew I had an opportunity to alleviate some of the struggles that my family was having by just not being a problem. By getting out of the way, and laying low, I wasn’t a burden to the family. It was my opportunity to save them the stress. Let’s just say that hasn’t resulted in a fully functioning adult. The trauma of growing up on my own with little support from my family has ingrained into me a few dysfunctional behavior patterns that are hard to undo. We are working on them in therapy, wish me luck.
Friends
On the trip I met a bunch of new people and made a few friends. Over the week I spoke in depth with over a dozen unique beautiful humans. Half of them were friends of my sister, the other half were complete randoms. Whether it was going to a underground speakeasy jazz bar, or bumping into people on a hiking trail, there were countless human interactions that challenged me to socialize and got me thinking. I wrote a post a little while back about an opening for friends, a help wanted. In that post I discussed what kind of people are my people, my true kin. From all of the people I met this week, one stand out in particular. A woman I met while hiking a beachside trail named Michele. Something about the way we connected felt so genuine and wholesome. Her spirit was of the same nature as mine, it felt. I was kicking myself after we parted ways for not getting her number or asking her to hang out more, but I’m treating that as a lesson to be more forward and opportunistic when I find those people. Something about her felt so right, like we could truly get along. Next time I won’t let that opportunity pass without getting contact information.
There seems to be a social formula people follow when they meet someone new. Step 1: fraternize and find commonalty, Step 2: trade names and touch, Step 3: dive deeper, Step 4: trade contacts, Step 5: Enjoy each others company. There is something about the pace at which that happens, or the phase transfers that intrigue me. Let me break down my thoughts on each of the stages and the transitions.
Step 1: fraternize and find commonalty
Wherever you are meeting this new random person, there is likely already some common ground to stand-on, leverage that to built rapport. Are you in a jazz club, what kind of jazz do they like? Are you on a trail, ask them how it compares to other hikes they’ve taken recently. This is why one of the most common questions I’ve heard as an opener is, “Do you come here often?” It’s a nice ice breaker that draws upon that commonality of environment. It doesn’t have to be the environment that you connect on first, it could be something else completely random. One thing I like to do is find something unique about them from their clothes/style/outwardly expressed persona and ask them about it. To be honest though, the hard part of this stage isn’t finding the thing of commonality, it is working up the nerve to say hello in the first place. It may sounds silly, but that initial hello is non-trivial. It takes courage to talk with random people, and sometimes I don’t have that courage. It might be something related to rejection avoidance. To be honest, the method I’ve adopted is to to look at them, smile, wave, say hi/hello/yo. That progression of human to human acknowledgement and greeting is simple and effective.
Step 2: trade names and touch
People have names, and getting a person’s name is a priority if you intend on becoming their friend. I very much enjoy getting to know people’s names, they are so fun and unique in their own right that it makes the process of learning and using their name that much more engaging. When I meet someone and get their name, 9 times out of 10 I will spell it for them, or ask them to spell it for me, so that I may lock it into my memory. It’s a very house bunny style of learning names. Spelling and pronunciation are key. The funny part about this stage is the trade and the timing. Many very successful extroverts I’ve studied go straight to the name then work to find commonality, I haven’t decided if that is better or not, but it’s one way to do it. There are two different ways that this trade can take place, either an asking of their name, an offering of yours. Not sure which is best yet, but they both seem to work fine. The most important part of this stage, however, is the physical connection. Men will often offer their hand first then give their name after a shake. Women no different, however sometimes it will be a hug. I very much appreciate this custom, but it is a challenge for me as I’ve already discussed in a prior post. A funny side note here is the different ways of which people offer first touch. The good ole fashioned shake, a lowkey fistbump, a highkey dab, or some other strange variant or combination. This is the part where I say that I need to get better at dabbing people up, because I like that one best, lmao. Even though it is a simple gesture, the interlocking of hands brings souls closer together. Our hands are probably our most utilized tools, so the sharing of touch of hands is very intimate. It makes sense that the trading of touch and names goes hand in hand.
Step 3: dive deeper
This is where things get interesting. Now that you have the person’s name, you’ve made your physical contact, and you are standing on common ground, you can learn about them on a deeper level. This stage is a green field open opportunity space. My favorite place to take conversation t this stage is passions and dreams. This is my personal favorite stage, probably because I love learning about people and find their interests extremely entertaining and engaging. Learning something new is fantastic, learning something new from someone new is even more thrilling. Sometimes keeping the conversation flowing can be a challenge. Some people are naturally good conversationalists, others have difficulty. Some people talk to much about themselves, or ask too much about the other person. Other people are short and uninterested, or sometimes just plain uninteresting. Boring people exist, no hate though, sometimes I wish for a boring life. It is usually at this point that you figure out whether or not this person is your kin, if you haven’t been able to determine that already. Not only will you be able to determine their kinship status, but you should also at this point determine their intentions. Are they talking to you to be friendly, or just to not be rude? Are they flirting, with romantic intentions, or for fun? This vibe check is ey to progress onto the next stage.
Step 4: trade contacts
Is they pas the vibe check proceed immediately to a trade of contacts. In the modern world people will often ask for your socials. Most commonly with my generation it is Instagram, very rarely snapchat or Facebook. If not socials, numbers. When I met Abraham at the jazz bar he was shocked to learn I didn’t have social media yet was delighted to take down my blog url. No numbers exchanged, but contacts, or should I say the ability to contact each other in the future, was transferred. I NEED to get better at this stage. Asking a person for their number is seriously no big deal. The risk to return is negligible. The risk is they say no and you never talk to them again, which, whatever. You probably just read the vibe check wrong earlier or they just don’t care enough, which is all good! But the return is you just earned social currency. You’ve earned a friend willing to speak with you again in the future. That’s not something to undervalue. You have no idea how fruitful that relationship can become in the future, it may even unlock additional friendships or even better additional experiences! Seriously, trading contacts is a big win-won scenario. Similar to trading names, there are a couple ways to facilitate this. You offer your number or you request theirs. Getting their number is probably the better power move but realistically it should be a transaction. So ensure that both parties have access to future communications if they desire it.
Step 5: enjoy each others company
Finally, when all formalities are out of the way, you are left with one final step that could vary greatly in duration and intensity. Enjoying one another’s company is a beautiful reward for working through the prior steps. Granted, ideally you’ve already been enjoying the company, but this is when the true fruits of the labor come to harvest. Sharing memories, sharing food or drink, sharing knowledge, sharing fun, are all one thing, sharing love. Soak up all of it. Love is a drug best taken regularly. Prescribed by people, distributed and dispensed by people, and universally appreciated by people. No other feeling in the world is better.
The Value People Place on Relationships
Something that I noticed many times over throughout the week was just how much people value the relationships they have. At first it felt like people were so proud of their friendships, like they earned them and thus were inherently valuable. It felt that friendships were a type of social currency, and if you had many friends you were rich, with less friends you were poor. I still haven’t completely understood this phenomenon, but it makes sense now why people are so devastated when they lose their friendships. Strange but understandable.
As I went about executing on the steps when meeting the dozen or so people this week, there were times where I faltered. Whether I failed to get someone’s contact info, or didn’t get past the first step. These instances are not failures, they are learning opportunities. Which each new person I meet, I learn better and better how to engage and connect with them. Not every interaction needs to get all the way to step 5, and not every interaction needs to go through each of the steps for it to be successful. At the end of the day, what matters most is that you were doing what humans do, being a social creature.
Now it’s important to give yourself some allowance to not always make every interaction so detailed. When your social battery is depleted, sometimes just a simple head nod acknowledgement is all you can muster. That is okay. Don’t force the conversation if it’s not on. Figure out what the signs of social battery depletion are. For me, it feels like an ick. Some gross feeling where I just can’t stand to hear anybody’s voice, or look at anybody’s face, or touch anybody. It sounds dumb, but I know my battery is out when I just straight up don’t want to be there. I’ll be tired, cranky, annoyed and distant. Forgiving yourself for not being able to engage so deeply from that point forward will get easier over time. The most important thing to remember is to honor your feelings. Recharging the battery is also an important task to master. For me that means explicit solitude and the complete removal of yourself from any social engagement.
Human Kind as a Social Animal … but Not Everybody is Extroverted
I am introverted, I’m not sure If I was always like that, but I know that now. I used to think I was an anti-social extrovert, but now I know I am a social introvert. Capable of engaging others, but at a high energy cost. People love to be around me, and I love to be around people, but the right people in the right circumstances with the right amount of energy reserves to handle it.
Recently I’ve been playing with the idea of doing more speaking forward posts. Instead of writing something then reading it out, I would just speak from the heart and see what I could get out. Like a podcast or stream of consciousness type of thing. Let’s see where it goes, might be a fun way for me to work on my speaking and idea processing simultaneously.
Was focusing on filler words and the excessive use of segue words. Think I’ve done fairly well, very few uses in recent memory. Let’s do one more week to really solidify.
Not often do I get tripped up by specific words. ‘Friend’ happens to be one of those. I mean, what is a friend anyway? What’s the point? Someone to commiserate with whist navigating the oceans of life? A helping hand to lend a compass or map when you lose your way? A person to guide the path in the darkness of night and it’s a new moon? Someone to rescue you when the waves get choppy and you capsize?
All these things. An ally, a mentor, a lifeline. Friends serve a great purpose in one’s life. To go without friends is to play life on hard mode. Life’s hard enough, why choose to make it any harder on yourself going it alone?
There is no shame in getting help
Arnold once said, “there is no such thing as a self made man”. Each and every one of us has taken advantage of the support of another at some point in our lives. To say you haven’t is a lie. There’s no shame in getting help from another person.
Can you love a friend?
I used to think ‘love’ was a term that is reserved for a significant other. My definition of love was to put another above yourself. That may not be the best definition, I’m sure mirriam webster would have something to say about it. In fact, let’s find out. — They’ve got two definitions that sound pretty fair: “strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties” and “warm attachment, enthusiasm, or devotion”. I don’t know about you, but those both sound like they can be attributed to friends as well as lovers. So then why is saying I love you to a friend feel odd? Or is that just me?
Friends stick together
You know what I find kind of funny? After speaking with many friends on the matter, it seems like a lot of people can come and go in your life, but friends are often the people who stick around longest. Friends and Family, right? Too bad I don’t really feel like I have a great amount of either of those. What the fucks the matter with me?
It’s getting old
Not sure if it’s toxic masculinity or my autism but I’ve chosen a life of most resistance. I’ve unintentionally distanced myself from family, and more or less refused to build many friendships. Living life on hard mode is getting really fucking old. I’m tired grandpa. Keep digging!
Let’s go get some friends James, but first, it might be a good idea to figure out what sort of people can even be your friend. What traits made a good friend for you? What do you need to do in order to gladly accept the friendship and help it grow?
What does it mean to be my friend?
The criteria for a friend of mine are ‘simple’. Be a good person, be passionate about something important, be curious about learning, and enjoy doing things that I enjoy doing. That’s pretty much it, I think. Shouldn’t be so hard finding those people right? Eh.
Making Friends
Let’s think about how to do it. Perhaps, do things that you enjoy, engage with the people around you, make a connection and begin a dialog? Shit, why does that sound exactly like the plot to dating? For some reason though, it sounds easier than dating. Hmm. Perhaps because I don’t want to fuck my friends, like some people do?
Keeping Friends
Well if that job description is simple enough, and the recruitment process is straightforward, where are all the new hires? Oh, there’s actually more to it? I need to develop the relationship? How the hell am I supposed to do that? Something something give and take, something something reasonable expectations, something something understanding we all are living our own lives. Am I sociopathic? Is it really all just quid pro quo? Or is there a piece of it I’m missing? Do others expect something from me just as I expect something from them? I can imagine some people expect nothing more than presence, whereas some might be more demanding. I think I prefer those who are less demanding. Can we all just be chill, please?
Also what if I have to fire one of my friends because they aren’t being chill? Jesus does that sounds not fun. How many friends can I even manage? No fucking clue. Guess it depends on how much time they request of me. Balance will be key, huh. I’m a low key dude and I need some low key friends, high key. I’m definitely overthinking this.
Letting them in
One last thought though, how much do I let them know of me? I can be a lot. I don’t what them quitting on me, or firing me. Is it something that just gets sorted out? Like, buddy, it’s your 30day review and you’ve hung out with me once and that’s just not cutting it, sooo… you’re fired. Yeah I think I’m a sociopath forsure. I mean, who the fuck thinks of friendships like this?
Only one way to find out
Whatever, I’m overcomplicating it, go figure. Probably best to just follow the old Alma Mater motto, learn by doing. I’ll keep these concepts in mind, but there really is no better way to figure shit out then by trying and failing many times over huh?
Lastly, who the fuck would want to be my friend anyway? Presumably someone just as fucked up as me. They exist… probably. Just gotta go find them. Should I make flyers? Help Wanted: A Friend for James
Was a bit late on this week’s iteration of Record and Review. The days are getting longer and I’ve found myself staying out late driving the sunset road when I should probably be settling in for the night. I’ll get it sorted. Anyway, for this week we were still working on filler words. I have noticed a slight improvement, but still catch myself saying, “you know”, “like”, “um”, and “but um” enough for me to feel the need to continue addressing them. One thing I’ve also started noticing is that I will segue from one sentence or topic to another really fast. Like, without a space between my sentences. Either that, or I’ll splice them together with an “and” where totally unnecessary. So for the upcoming week I’d like to watch out for those as well.
I also subconsciously have been working on eye contact with people and the camera, so let’s add that to the list of needs improvement. Working on it! There are a list of other things I’d like to address in the future, like my swaying, or odd hand motions. But let’s cross that bridge when we get there.
Alrighty, we’re back with another Record and Review. This past week I’ve been focusing on minimizing my filler words, specifically, “you know” and “but, um”. It’s funny because I’ve been so much more cognizant of the instances when I say either of those, and others, it’s been almost annoying. I’m kinda glad I’m getting so annoyed by it, because it gives me more fuel to rid them from my speech. After recording this week’s I still said that a few times, so we are going to run it back this next week and focus on filler word removal once again.
I do also want to recognize that I am doing a fairly decent job with hand motions. But need to also think about my eye contact. This is of course a camera recording me, but I really want to start looking at the camera and pretending it is a person. Over the past week I’ve spoken with a number of strangers and the hardest park was actually looking at them. Talking to them was coming fairly easy, but looking at them, for some reason, is harder. I know why, but we gotta get over that.
Two thoughts. First, I’ve come to appreciate that some gears in my brain don’t turn the same direction as they do in others’. Something I’ve noticed is that I’ll latch onto certain songs for spans of time then play them non-stop, day after day, until a new song takes it’s place. Every so often, multiple songs will be in rotation. Second, those spans of time are like seasons of my soul. From Winter to Spring, Spring to Summer, Summer to Autumn, and Autumn to Winter. My life will cycle through ups and downs. These songs play a score of those seasons. Right now, its early Spring. It’s raining, but warming up. The Winter we just left was a particularly dark and cold one, but the promise of a bright Summer full of flourishing flowers keeps moving me forward. “I’m not going to let myself down.”
These are the songs of the season, definitely in a most particular order…
First Song of the Season
Another Star by Stevie Wonder. Winter chill remains. Stevie is a well know lover boy, but this one strays away from his usual ballads and touches on a topic unfortunately dear to me this Spring. “For you, there might be another star. For you, there might be another song. For you, love might be for you to find. But I will celebrate ourlove of yesterday.”
Second Songs
Runaway by Del Shannon and Runaway by Kanye West. Storms are rolling in, rain and thunder on the horizon. These share a title, and a story, but told from two separate perspectives. The coin is the same, but every time you flip it, the result is heads or tails. “Tears are falling and I feel a pain. I wonder… Why?” “I don’t know how I’ll manage, if one day you just up and leave.” “I think it’s time for usto have a toast.”
Third Song of the Season
Forgive Them Father by Lauryn Hill. As the violins of Runaway’s outro play, storms violently ravage the soul. Forgive Them Father is the storm breaking, grounds flooded, trees snapped by lightening strike. Air warmed by the first sign of sunlight. Spring follows Winter, destruction begets growth. “And you never suppose it’s those who are closest to you.” “Everyday people, they lie to God too. So, what makes you think, that they won’t lie to you?”
Forth and Final Song of the Season
Walkin by Denzel Curry. As the sun continues to warm the ground, shades of green show the first sign of new life. Growth is no longer a hope on the horizon, it’s here. So long as time moves on, as it always will, the flowers of Spring will sprout anew. “Walking with my back to the sun, keep my head to the sky” “I’m killing off my demons because my soul’s worth redeeming.” “Went through a lot of shit in the last year, then I said fuck it, I’m going to handle my business” “Ijust got to stay focused, I just got to keep walking.”
Take a moment right now to stop what you are doing and look around. Notice anything special? It might be a person or pet that you love, it may be the leaves on the trees or the flowers in the meadow. Listen in too, what do you hear? Can you hear the sound of cars? Perhaps an airplane passing overhead? Is the neighbor out mowing their lawn again for the second time this week? What about touch? Are you holding onto something? Is it smooth or coarse? Warm or cold? What’s it made out of, plastic, metal, flesh? Have you got something to eat or drink? Have some. What does it taste like? Is it pleasant, sweet, perhaps savory? Or does it kick with sour or bitterness? Did you smell it as you brought it to your mouth? Was it agreeable to your senses? Was there balance, or did a particular sense overwhelm the others? Which did you like most, which was most powerful, most compelling?
One of my favorite ice breaker questions is what sense do you find most compelling? Often, people will ask, which is your favorite, or which could you live without. Those are good too. But specifically I want to know which do you find moves you the most inside? Which triggers the strongest reaction. Either good or bad, which sense will make you cry, or smile, most often. Tell me, do you even pay attention until that stimulus registers?
Be Mindful
We spend most of our lives not acknowledging how these things make us feel. We live with constant stimuli arousing and assaulting our senses that so often, we pay them no mind. How unfortunate. They are so special, they deserve more recognition. There was a poster outside of my high school phycology classroom that read “Pay attention to the details”. I never really understood exactly what that meant, not until I was older. My girlfriend in university would always tell me, “stop and smell the flowers”. I love flowers, they’re soft, vibrant, aromatic. Yet, do I stop for each flower I see along the way? No. Why not? Am I too busy, in a hurry for what? Life’s too short to stop and smell all the flowers. But is it? You really don’t even know how short it is until it’s nearly gone anyway. I think, and hear me out on this, I think it’s the opposite. Life is too long not to smell the flowers. Too long not to feel the breeze. I choose to cherish every moment my bare feet step in the sand along the oceanside. Appreciate each and every chirp coming from the birds resting in the tree that shades me temporarily from the suns’ deadly rays. Because life is too long not to pay attention to the details.
Feelings are Truth
We waste so much of our time here on earth doing worthless shit. The complicated nature of humanity has taken away so much of the beauty of life. The system we’ve built will distract you from the truth. The truth that all that is truly real is what you feel. What your senses tell you. What your emotions are signaling to you. That which is so often ignored by adults in our society. How does it make you feel? Do you even know what you feel? I noticed I had that problem a year or two back. I would become emotional and not have a clue what emotion, or really even why. They don’t really teach that shit in school, so how was I supposed to learn? Silly James, Trix are for kids, and most of your learning takes place outside the walls of an institution. I had a teacher recently help me get closer to the truth. Get closer to my feelings. Understand them, appreciate them. Live with them. Not to hide them or hide from them, but to feel them.
James’ Dresser
I built a catalog of these emotions, a diagram that I could lean on to help me map them out. It was something I created, so in a way, it’s my version of Inside Out. It contains all the emotions I know within me as drawers in a dresser. Sometimes when I’m feeling emotional, I open up this drawing and pull out one of those drawers and allow myself to feel that emotion. I will embrace it for a moment, allow it to flush through my system. Then, when I feel like I’ve had enough, I’ll close it. This has allowed me to know what I am feeling, to become more familiar with my body’s response to each emotion.
Know What and Why You Feel
Are you ever uncomfortable? So emotional that you can’t function. That’s not something to be upset about, be fearful of, or pin as wrong in any way. In fact, that’s good. It means you’re still alive. The problem is when you don’t know why you are feeling that way. The emotion isn’t the issue, its the fact that you don’t know what the emotion is, or why you’re feeling it. Take it as a lesson from me, if you may, to build out your catalog. There’s been research and great study into the diverse range of emotions that we humans feel, start there. And learn what signs point in which direction for you when a particular feeling intensifies. Only then should you worry about what to do about them.
What to Do
As far as what to do about them goes, start by believing they’re real. That they deserve your time. That other people experience them as well, and that it is what connects us all as a people. If you don’t like that you are uncomfortable, seek comfort. If you don’t know what what comforts you, figure it out. The next time you feel comfortable, take note. Everybody finds different stimuli appealing, so don’t just listen to what others say helps them, find your own balance. For me, it’s silence, a cool breeze, the sound of my own footsteps beneath me, and a beautiful view. See you on the mountaintop.
Recently, I’ve been thinking about how I communicate. Am I an effective communicator? One thing I’ve noticed is that when I speak, others listen. That is something I’ve notice for a while, but never taken great advantage of. Something tells me that I have a talent that I’ve not fully embraced. An untrained muscle that has perhaps atrophied. Or even worse, been trained incorrectly. Today, and with this post, I start the process of training that muscle better. More consciously addressing my inefficiencies and opportunities to improve. A few days back I listened to a podcast with a vocal coach recommending that if others wanted to improve their speech patterns they should record and review themselves to identify those antipatterns. Here is my first edition of what will become a weekly video log of myself discussing small topics of importance to me. It will count not only as a post on my psyche, but I will be using it to analyze and conquer some of the vocal patterns I wish to grow out of, and even a few to grow in to. (Think filler words removal, introduction of pausing, voice inflection, volume modification, hand gestures, that tight type of ish). I will document what I focused on improving in each weekly post, you can tell me how I’ve done.
In this video I discuss a song that was recommended to me.
Also, here’s my rendition of Being Alive if you want to bleed out of your ears. Caution, bad, terribly bad, singing. I do not intend on getting better at that, just thought fuck it, why not post this too.
Living is hard, I think we all know that. But do you want to know what’s harder? Living with the knowledge that everybody else is living, and that they are having it just as hard. When I was a young boy in the late years of elementary school I found myself reading the newspaper, eating my cheerios or eggs in the morning. First off, what the hell was a 12 year old doing reading the newspaper, second off, newspaper? Do we all still remember what that is? Anyway, would you like to know what section I was reading? It wasn’t the Classifieds or the Periodicals, it was the World News section. I’d sit there pondering the impacts of the Iraq War or the implications of the appending global financial crisis. Let me remind you, I was a pre-teen concerning himself with the lives of others in a way I don’t imagine many adults even do. Why? Did I really care about those peoples’ lives? To be honest, I’m not quite sure. What I do know is that the world was opening up to everybody with the appending proliferation of social media and internet-ification of everything. And I was paying attention, listening, reading, trying to understand what was about to happen, or was already happening, to people all over the world. I’m not sure it was a good idea. What I learned wasn’t to my enjoyment. I learned very quickly that the world is a tremendously complicated and challenging arena. All over, people are hustling and many-a-time, struggling for their lives. It hurt me to learn this, it hurt to read. When I got access to the internet only a few years later, my eyes were opened even wider to the truth. People can be cruel, the society we live in is ruthless. Those Disney movies were fucking lying to me. I didn’t know it then, but I started building coping mechanisms to counter the internalization of others’ pain. One way in which this happened was the selectiveness for which I touched others. Physical contact made it real. The closer I got to people the more I realized their pain, I felt it. So my best course of action was to stay distant.
I Couldn’t Handle It
Do you know what an NPC is? If you don’t, good for you, you must not have spent your life engrossed in video games like I have. It stands for Non-Player Character and it is a term given to the programmed characters you interact with in whilst you work your way through the in game missions. They give you quests, they accompany you on the story line, and often times, they exist in the game solely to interact with you. I feel like I’ve spent a good chunk of my life pretending that I’m the main character in a video game, and everybody else is an NPC. It’s a meme you’ll see on reddit or other semi-deplorable internet forums that people walking down the street, minding their own business, are “NPCs”. It gives “I’m the main character” kind of vibes. For most people I think they do this subconsciously, live their lives with little consideration for others. I think I’ve done this consciously. I have a hard time looking at people. I have a hard time talking to people. I have an incredibly hard time having physical contact with people. This all comes down to the simple fact that the closer I get, the more I realize that they are real. I can’t handle that fact. Not because I’ve got some weird complex, but because it’s overwhelming. The weight of realization of an individual’s balance along the tightrope of life gives me unbearable anxiety. I can realistically only handle being close with a couple of people in my life. I’m not sure if that makes me selfish or shallow, but I know it makes me sad. I wish I could connect more with people without this anxiety crippling me so.
What Can I Do?
I see people all around me making friends and being jolly with each other and I can’t relate. I prefer to be alone, unbothered, unconcerned. I honestly don’t understand how people can maintain so many friendships without bearing a burden of the uncomfortable realization that the other person is real. The depth of a human being is deep. I don’t like swimming in water I can’t see or touch the bottom of. I’m the same way with people, and I can only hold my breath for so long. How can I overcome this trained avoidance? What steps do I take to rethink and reprogram the way that I am. To feel more comfortable accepting the burden of others company? I’m not sure just yet. I’ve started looking at people in the face when I walk by them on the trail. I’ve begun having conversations with strangers in the park to give me exposure therapy. I’ve gone so far as to find places that people go to, and be present in those places, so that I can have the opportunity to interact with another human. I know this may sound totally strange to any normal person, but I’m certainly not one of those. To me, this is a challenge I give myself. To face my fear of interaction. I want to help people, but I don’t want to feel their pain? That’s not fair. And I know life is not all pain and suffering, I’m working on seeing the good and the bad. But I can’t look past the bad yet, I’ve got to look it right in the eye. I need to stop being afraid. Life is worth living, unafraid. Perhaps the perspective that I should take is that these people can help me carry the burden… Together, we all live, suffer, thrive…
