Blog

Complexity of Emotions

There are times in our life in which we are happy. Inevitably, there will also be times in our life in which we are sad. What many people don’t realize is that oftentimes you’ll find sorrow in happiness, you’ll find happiness in sorrow, and that’s not unusual. That’s not some weird oxymoron that shouldn’t happen or shouldn’t be expected. At the end of the day, emotions are really just the byproduct of our minds doing our best (it’s best) to navigate the challenges of life by turning knobs and flipping triggers and switches to instigate different chemical reactions in our head.

Happiness in Sorrow

These moments can provide great confusion. They can lead an individual to believe that they’re broken inside. Imagine this: you’re depressed, you haven’t seen a light at the end of the tunnel for a tunnel that you’ve been in for months, if not years. Yet on occasion, something occurs in your life that causes you to smile. That inkling of happiness in a great time of sorrow can spur hope, but also can drive you insane. I know from personal experience that one of the worst parts about depression is the fact that all of the things that you know to be happiness-inducing don’t induce happiness. I keep a book of all the things that I enjoy (or at least a page in the book) and the power of those things gets taken away by the mind state that you’re in when you’re deeply depressed. To think that your mind has control over what you know to be a happy thing is really frustrating. The deprivation of joy from that thing, may it be a favorite meal, song, or activity, is annoying beyond belief. Not only are there instances of glimmer and hope in these long runs of dark tunnels, but every once in a while, it’s not even a glimmer, it’s not even a hope that brings a smile to your face. It’s actually the realization that you’re still moving forward. Just because you don’t see the light at the end of the tunnel doesn’t mean that you can’t acknowledge the positive progression you’re making towards the end of the tunnel. There will be moments in which that positive progression will inspire you and will make you happy. The moments are undoubtedly fleeting and usually quite short, but they are moments nonetheless. Moments that you get to experience joy whilst experiencing hardship and sorrow. I’ve even had moments where I was happy that I was sad, that I could feel anything at all was something to rejoice in. It seems desperate in a way to take such a negative emotion and flip it to be positive, but it’s not. It’s not desperate; it’s special.

Sorrow in Happiness

It’s the other way around, too. There will be moments where everything seems to be going right in your life, and you’re so happy that whatever you’ve been working toward or whatever it is that you’ve been doing has been providing you great feelings of success. Validation, may that be internal or external, and yet there’ll be glimmers of shame or desperation, doubt. Those feelings, they come off as negative, but they are real. It could be that they are empathetic responses to others around you, they could be moments of remembrance of days past, or they could be as simple as crying over spilt milk. There’s nothing wrong with you if a moment like that arises when you’re in the season of life that is summer and you recall a winter day. People often say that you need moments like that in order to truly appreciate what you’ve got. Now, I don’t know if I believe that or think it’s universal, but there is something to be said about having an appreciation for all of the times, good and bad, that you’ve had in your life. Your brain isn’t playing tricks on you. Your body isn’t intentionally fucking with you. It’s just how it is. It’s natural. Don’t fight it; embrace it.

For Your Greater Good

All of these things are a key part of what makes us human. We are able to process and experience these complex emotional reactions and responses to the external and internal stimuli that we go through, that we endure. You should take pleasure in the fact that you have the ability to feel in these ways. They are good for the development of your person, of your soul. They build you. They might build you by breaking you, but they will build you. You will become stronger because of the way that you feel, so long as you’re able to acknowledge how it is that you’re feeling, seek understanding for why it is you are feeling that way, and appreciate yourself for being alive.

Love Thyself

Don’t be ashamed, don’t be afraid. Be proud that you are who you are and you feel the way that you feel. Nobody can truly understand what it’s like to be you but yourself, so there is nobody around that can tell you you’re right or you’re wrong. At the end of the day, there may not even be a right or wrong; it just is. Life isn’t so black and white as many, including myself, make it. Embrace the grey. Love the sun as it peeks through the clouds of rain and thunder. Love the downpour that occurs on a bright sunny day. Love yourself for having the ability to shine as bright as the sun, to be as loud as a thunderous clap in a rainstorm. Love yourself even in moments of great sorrow as you move forward step by step in this very difficult life that you live. You deserve that love. Stay strong. Be true. Love thyself for all that you are, and for all that you will become.

What does it mean to be a kid?

Little League

I sit here watching the beginnings of a baseball game, Little League. I’m watching these two teams on either side of the field playing catch. One team in red tossing in left field with two different lines of players throwing balls back and forth. The other team in green out in right field. By the looks of it, the red team’s gonna win this one. The only reason I say that is because most of them are already here before the game. But they also just look a little bigger, perhaps a little bit more talented. More put together. Something tells me the red team is gonna come out on top today. But who knows? I really haven’t a clue.

Talented Youth

I noticed something else that’s interesting about the red team in particular. Some of those players seem better than their own teammates. I recall being a soccer referee back in my later teen years in Fresno and I remember being able to identify star players pretty quickly. Some 12 year old would score his 4th goal of the game via bicycle kick and I’d think to myself, “yeah, that kid’s probably gonna go pro.” I wonder what it must feel like to be so talented in a particular sport as a child. How did that come to be? There’s not all that much time that you have to hone your craft, so is it just some natural ability? Must be God-given, or genetics? Or, you know, maybe they really have been working at it since they were a toddler. The usual *pops played ball and now so will you, son*. That relationship gets me thinking again, what does it even mean to be a kid? What’s the point, what’s the purpose, the collective objective? How does it differ from an adult? Obviously there’s age, wisdom, height, weight, all the basics. Yeah sure, you’re gonna grow bigger and you’re gonna grow smarter. But beyond that, what does it mean?

Responsibility

The first thing I jump to is responsibility. These kids just don’t have the same responsibilities as I do. They don’t have to pay bills, they don’t have to worry about most of the things that adults have to worry about. There’s less risk. Less stress. On the flip side, there’s undeniably more growth. There’s that old saying, “you can’t teach an old dog new tricks”. As much as I disagree with that statement there is some truth to the matter. The older you get, the harder it is to grow. Maybe the harder it is to learn? Most people have already formulated themselves. There’s another saying that you can’t change a person when you get into a relationship. I think there’s also merit to that in the same sense. As an adult you really are mostly formed. Some adults are more formed than others, more rigidly defined, less capable of learning and growth. When you tell them that they’re wrong they don’t believe you. They know they’re right even when they might be wrong. I’ve worked really hard in my life to not be that type of adult. When somebody tells me something that I don’t believe or I’m uncertain of, to not just immediately think that they’re the one that’s wrong. Funny enough, that was a big part of me when I was a kid. I was the same way, so sure of myself. There’s going to be a post coming out about self-assurance and the importance of believing in yourself, but it’s also very important to have some doubt. To admit that you don’t know what you don’t know.

Opportunity

I miss being a kid sometimes. There’s a lot of opportunity in childhood. I’ve spent quite a bit of time around teachers in my life, both as a student and as a passive observer of their practice. Whether it was through my mom or various lovers in the past. I’ve been conditioned to believe there’s something very special about learning. Being eager to learn matters a lot. Eager to seize on the opportunity of growth. Maybe that’s what sets some of these kids apart from each other. Not only do they showcase different levels of eagerness, but also, in what.

Ground Balls to Third

Now as I sit here watching the red team take ground balls from third base, I realize with every ground ball hit to them there’s an opportunity to learn. Depending on how the ball bounces and rolls their way, each player needs to adapt. This practice of practice requires a bit of trial and error. I suppose I’m coming to appreciate that practice of learning more. Like, learning is trying over and over, success and failure, missing the ground ball and having it roll out to left field. Realizing that maybe I could have taken a step in either direction to get my body in front of the ball. Next time the ball comes rolling in that direction, in that way, with that speed, I’ll know better. That’s what it’s all about, right? Trial and error? Trial and error until you succeed? Then maybe it’s trial and success and trial and success until it’s trial and error again. Not always is the solution universal, rarely is what you believe to be the right answer going to be the right answer forever.

Reinforcement.

You wanna reinforce success positively, you wanna get those atta boys. Those kudos. As human beings there is nothing more important than reinforcing each other’s growth, especially in childhood. Because like I mentioned before, adults have already been pretty well formed. Childhood is the time in which you have the greatest opportunity to grow and thus have the greatest incentive to reinforce. I’ve thought about this recently a lot when it comes to what I’ve learned in my time. I’ve noticed there was a worrying trend in my upbringing where I feel that the ratio between positive and negative reinforcement was not balanced. Feels like I’ve got most of my learning through negative reinforcement and not positive; because of that I live with more fear than hope sometimes.

Fly Balls to Left-Field

The players are taking fly balls now. The coach lets the kid stay in the spot if they miss the catch, until they make it (which usually is on the next pop-fly.) Once again, I just never realized how important it is to reinforce each other. I’ve been making a lot more friends lately and I’ve noticed that there’s really great opportunities all around to reinforce one another. As adults, we don’t do enough for each other in that way. We owe it to each other to help one another grow. So in that way, we’re not all that different from kids. We all have great opportunities to grow, I just think that kids take those opportunities more often. People expect them to. People don’t expect adults to take those same opportunities. At least, that’s what it feels like to me, I could be wrong.

Self-Reinforcement

Childhood seems less lonely than adulthood. I don’t know if that’s just my experience. But as it relates to growth sometimes it’s hard as an individual to reinforce your own self positively or negatively. Maybe there’s less value in self-reinforcement? I don’t know. There’s something there. Either way, I think it’s important to recognize that adults and kids are not always so different at the end of the day. We’re all doing our best, trying to improve.

Friendly Reinforcement

Another element of childhood and adulthood that I think is fundamentally different is the creation of friends. As a kid I felt like I was friends with whomever I was around. There was just so many more instances in which I was around people, whether it was through school or sport. As an adult there’s so much less of that. You have to be more purposeful, dedicated and directed when building a community as an adult. I’m not sure if that’s just the byproduct of a society that has devalued hardy in-person community. At the end of the day, it’s up to us as individuals to cultivate those relationships ourselves. Encouraging each other to be present in the moment and shit. Take care of each other, ja feel? Friends are so important when it comes to that reinforcement, that learning and growth. They challenge you to be better, they make jest of instances in which you fail (negatively reinforcing in a healthy way). When the team wins together they grow together. When they lose together they grow together. We learn as people best together. Society reinforces society, we are social creatures after all.

Vulnerability

Vulnerability is important here too. As a child you have great vulnerability and I think that vulnerability is good for the soul. It means you’re malleable. In order to learn you need to be vulnerable. It’s not enough to want to change, you need to be able to. You need to be able to grow in order to grow. And in order to be able to grow you need to be vulnerable.

Role Models

Another thing that matters a lot is looking up to people who are older than you. Wiser. Having mentors and aspirational people in your life that give you something to look forward to. Role models. I don’t think that adults often enough consider their role models. Recently, I was talking to a couple of friends about whether or not they have friends that are much older than them (ten years or more.) No one said that they did. I think that’s a shame, because those people can be your role models. I’ve had a bunch of really great managers in my career that have been role models for me and I’ve learned so much from them. I’ve been vulnerable with them and they’ve taught me things that I would have never learned otherwise. So why don’t we do that in social facilities as well? Why do I feel awkward making friends with a 50 year old? There’s no reason for that. If anything I should be seeking out relationships with older people so that they can give me the insights they’ve gained over their time. It’s a treasure trove. We shouldn’t just hang out with the people that are like us. We shouldn’t just spend time with those of the same age group. Yeah if you’re interested in finding a long term romantic relationship, it’s probably a good idea to stick within a specific age range. But friendships? Friendships are completely different. I think we all should be seeking out friendships with people who are very different from ourselves. Those are the people that give you the greatest opportunity to learn. Face it, it’s hard to learn from those who are just like you.

Game Time

Welp, it looks like the game is about to get begin. Red team’s taking the field. Looks like green is up to bat. I still got my money on red, but we’ll see how it all shakes out. I won’t be here to find out, I’m actually gonna go for a ride. I have more to think about and I don’t do my thinking so well when I’m staying in place.

Do You Wonder?

Do you remember the name of your first best friend? How about your first grade teacher? Your first lover? Do you wonder about them ever? I imagine you do. We can’t help but reminisce on those of our past. They did so much in molding who we are that they deserve a place in our thoughts. Strangely, I find myself thinking of these people in my past often, but I never really consider whether or not they think of me the same way. I wonder, do they remember me?

Do They Wonder?

A strange sensation I’ve felt a time or two lately is being on others’ minds. In the practice of being my true self and building relationships with others, I’ve had the pleasure of meeting some fantastic human beings. Every once and a while they will ask me about a topic I brought up with them, often adding in their thoughts gathered in the time in between then and now. I love when that happens, but it feels weird, novel. To think, that I stuck with them in their mind. Enough for them to dwell on a thought I gave them. Enough for them to think of me. How strange, but not really, how lovely. This happened a few times within the past week even, and it’s got me thinking; who am I to others. How am I perceived and recalled in times of absence. Do people talk about me when I leave the room? Should I give a shit if they do?

Easy to Remember or Hard to Forget?

The permanence of my persona is what’s of interest to me now. I asked my therapist if I’m “easy to remember or hard to forget”. In my mind, those two carry two very different connotations. Being easy to remember means I brushed upon another in a positive way so that they think of me fondly. Hard to forget means I ran into someone and left a negative impression on their mind. I certainly wouldn’t want that, but then again, I don’t anticipate that every person I interact with is going to have a 5 star experience. I just know that I have a very strong personality that can at times not align with other peoples’ expectations. I’m a lot, I must admit. So which is it, easy to remember, or hard to forget?

Ride Your Wave

Being unapologetically me has been a struggle at times. Recently my friend told me, when I was communicating how it was a challenge to not oblige myself when it comes to my obsessive tendencies, to ride my own wave. Own it, own my weirdness. To be proud of who I am no matter how unlike others I am. Or at least, to stop putting the brakes on my drives, flow with the go. What a beautiful sentiment I’ve not paid nearly enough consideration to as an adult. Perhaps these instances of others thinking of me is a sign. A sign that I ought not be so embarrassed of who I am. That when I am my most true self, is when I am most impactful.

Through Their Window

Have you been on a walk in the evening and noticed your neighbors’ window blinds were open, lights or tv on inside, and thought to yourself, “oh, that’s how they live”? It’s a similar feeling to when you walk into a friend’s home and notice all the little decorations and sweet mementos that they’ve collected. It’s a window into their life, a peephole into their soul. You can’t help but look inside. When I lived in San Francisco on the 6th floor corner apartment there was a man who lived across the street I adored. He would sit in his window, and write on his typewriter. Surrounded by books, his room illuminated by a single classic pull string lamp putting out the warmest of light. Every once and a while he would look up and out, sometimes for just a moment, other times for what felt like an eternity. It seemed like he was searching for the right words to write. Like the streets of the city would deliver to him the words he sought. In these moments, as I watched through my window, it became obvious to me that I was seeking understanding of a man seeking understanding. Oddly, it felt extremely introspective.

Look and See

I’ve spent so much of my life shielding my mind from these thoughts, afraid of how it would break me down. I wasn’t strong enough to look into every person’s mind and imagine a life through their eyes. A look through their window was too much for me, it elicited the strongest empathetic response, often times triggering great existentialism. So I wouldn’t look. I’ve spoken on this before in a past post, but just like looking at someone’s face, or touching them, seeing someone through their window was much too personal for me. I kept my own window blinds closed, kept the lights off, so nobody would see inside me either. What a tremendously lonely way to live. I’m stronger now, bolstered by my own self-appreciation, that I now want to look. I want to see through others just as I want others to see through me. Life is meant to be shared.

Ride Their Wave

Empathy is more than just putting yourself in another’s shoes. You need to walk in them too. Keep your head up and take in their surroundings. Live in their home, travel their road, experience their struggle and success. Ride their wave. It will help you ride yours.

Golden Ticket

P.S. I went on a group ride the other day and one of these people (one I’ve sought to look into) asked if I wanted to swap bikes for the ride home. Of course I said yes. Opportunities to realize this perspective seeking concretely are golden tickets worth celebrating. It was a beautiful bike, and a lovely ride. Experienced by one man looking into the soul of another, seeking understanding. I’ve got a golden chance to make my way, and with this golden ticket – it’s a golden day.

Bikes

Bikes, gotdam do I love bikes. Pretty sure that’s my autistic vehicle of choice. In a way, darn, would be cool if I had chosen to obsess over a multi-ton diesel powered conical wheeled masterpiece, but alas, no. Two wheels, two pedals, simple medal frame, some gears and a chain. I’ve owned many bikes in my lifetime, and each of them has meant so much to me. They have been my steeds, and I don’t even have to feed them or clean up their poop.

Bikes are a Drug

I can’t quite tell you how it feels to ride my bike. It’s a taste of freedom, arguably the best feeling in the world. My body works while my mind can take a break. It’s a drug. The good kind? I don’t know exactly. Probably not something that can be binned into a good or bad binary assignment. But it does feel a lot like a drug. There have been times in the past where riding my bike was a coping mechanism. And I would legit ride until I couldn’t physically anymore. Sure sounds like an unhealthy abuse of a good thing huh? Damn, why do I always have to abuse shit?

Everything is a Drug

Now that I think about it, it’s not just biking where this sort of relationship occurs. Whenever I find something that makes me feel any type of way, I seek to control it and manipulate it to my benefit. Not entirely sure if that is something all too unique to me, but it occurs everywhere. Since I was young, this has been a part of my personality. I’ve got addition problems. Eventually seeking to control the addiction and use it as a coping mechanism. No bueno. I’ll get addicted to anything that makes me feel some type of way, legit ANYTHING. Beyond weed and alcohol, I’ve been addicted to NSAIDs, cough medicine, even fucking bubble gum. Makes you wonder. Why am I like that?

I’m Addicted

I’ve got some theories, all of which have now been confirmed within a short conversation with Gemini. LOL. I think two main points resonate most. Coping and genetic predisposition. It’s very likely that my brain is programmed with a deficiency, or improper wiring let’s say. My dopamine receptors could be very sensitive, limited, or heavily encoded. The coping mechanism theory is strong as well, because my whole life I’ve been masking. Not to mention that my autism has been facilitating deep monotropism.

Extreme is Supreme

Finding a healthy balance of doing the things I enjoy and not taking advantage of them or abusing the way that they make me feel has been impossible at times. It comes in waves, my ability to control myself. Sobriety is fleeting. Regressing to a state of nonchalant abuse has unfortunately been the inevitable result of every period of sobriety. The amount of times that I have had my last “hit”, it’s embarrassing. I’m embarrassed to admit that I don’t have control over myself. My prefrontal cortex is letting me down, it’s not me letting me down, couldn’t be. Could it be? I made a joke earlier that my coping is either working my body into dust or launching myself into space. Why can’t I just roll, maybe do some low level flight. It’s always got to be so extreme, so dumb. I’ve got such a laid back energy most of the time, but then there is this part of me that cannot be chill.

No End in Sight

I leave this post unresolved. I feel like it’s a lie to say I’ll be sober forever. I know I have enough self-control to not blast off into another solar system, and I don’t really see myself driving myself into oblivion (however, that really is the more likely of the two I’ll admit).  I was sober for nearly 7 months. It was great. I hope to beat that record, maybe I’ll make it to a year someday. I hope I don’t die overdoing what I love. I really hope I don’t die doing what I hate. Alas, death awaits us all, hopefully it’s patient.

Are We Humble, or Are We Danger

Humility, it is so important to stay humble. In the past, I’ve had great difficulty in understanding where I stand in relation to others. Oftentimes, I either feel like I’m much worse than I actually am, and every so often, I feel like I’m better than I actually am. My appreciation for my own ability is skewed; not often do I feel like I have the appropriate appreciation for where my skill is compared to others. There’s a number of reasons for that, primarily because I don’t spend enough time with people who are better than me, simply as a byproduct of not spending time with all that many people in general. However, I’d like to change that. I would very much like to change that, if for no other reason than to stay humble.

Humility is Recognizing Weakness

There are two separate activities that I like to participate in that recently I have felt quite humbled in: one is cycling and the other is golf. They both provide a humbling experience in their own ways. For golf, the humbling is less about other people being better than me, but about me just not being that great at something. Whereas with cycling, I am pretty strong, but there are other people who are much stronger. My argument is that spending time doing something that others are better than you at, or spending time doing things that you’re not very good at, is good for the soul. It provides a window into humility, an opportunity to recognize your weaknesses. 

Weakness is Opportunity

I think even more so than recognizing weaknesses, humility gives you a chance to see opportunity itself. Whether that’s opportunity in your own improvement or opportunity in general just for things to get better, not even you. But it’s an uncommon opportunity. I’m unsure if people embrace and appreciate that opportunity to grow enough, whether or not it’s theirs to be had.

Biking

My most recent experience with a humbling opportunity was riding my bike in the yearly Pedal PGH event, where cyclists all throughout western PA (predominantly within Pittsburgh) come to ride a day’s worth of riding within the city. This year, the longest route was a 50-miler, and I partook in that to my enjoyment. It was a blast! I met a ton of really cool people, rode my bike with a ton of other great Pittsburghers who also appreciate riding bikes, and it was an awesome experience.

However, I was not the strongest rider around by far. There were many people who passed me and were putting out incredible watts, just awesome power numbers that I couldn’t keep up with. Even though I tried to keep up with a few of the speedy bois for a while, I couldn’t keep up with them forever. I’ve always said I’m more of an endurance athlete, but I have a feeling that those guys not only are much faster than me, but could probably go much further and for longer than I could. I’d bet on that fact. There’s a feeling that I get when a cyclist passes me going much faster than me. A feeling so irresistible, I want to chase them every time. I need to chase them; I don’t want to let them just pass me without putting up a fight. I guess you could say that I’m striving to be on their level. Sometimes I can ride with those guys for a little while, but other times they just go right on past me, and there’s just no chance of me even catching up, no matter how hard I pedal. A few times, actually, I’ve ridden with them and then they attacked, which is also so humbling because you think you can keep pace and then they dial it up a notch and you realize you had no chance all along. That happened to me today, actually, during the ride, and it was tremendously humbling.

Golfing

Golf, on the other hand, is a completely different sense of humility. Golf is probably one of the silliest sports. It does require a great level of hand-eye coordination, and when you’re playing well, it’s a blast! But when you’re not playing so good, it can take its toll. You have to be very mentally strong in order to override the embarrassment or feelings of weakness when you play golf, because if you don’t, the game will eat you alive. You will continue to perform poorly, and if you’re not careful, that will create a negative self-fulfilling prophecy. There’s something to be said about humility and not falling into that trap, that negative self-fulfilling prophecy. Humility teaches you to continue on, keep your head held high, and appreciate your own ability regardless of where that ranks in comparison to other people.

Believing in Yourself with Humility

Self-reliance and confidence that comes from within oneself (and not validated externally by others) is not always the easiest advice to listen to, and this example is really no different. To be humble is to know your limits, to understand your weaknesses and where you’ve got room to grow. Having that positive mentality alongside humility will get you so much further in life than leading with arrogance and a feeling that there is no way for you to improve.

Why Create Art?

Why am I doing this? Writing this now, recording a voice over. Why? What’s the point? Is the point of creation consumption? Do you think artists care how many people view their art, or do you think that the artist simply feels compulsion to create. Do you think that they marvel over their own creations upon completion, or just onto the next? What would Van Gogh say if he saw all his pieces hanging in museums for patron’s viewing pleasure? Or the countless phone cases and other knock off memorabilia pawning off his creations enmasse? Do you think he’d give a shit? So many artists who live off their creations I’m sure care deeply about how much their art is worth, or at least, how much somebody is willing to pay for it, and how many pieces they can create and sell. Price and volume. Maybe capitalism has corrupted art? Let’s not even get into AI art.

Every Creator Has Their Purpose

By the way, I swear this post is about writing. I just think that the introspection into art as a case study for expression provides clear evidence that people create for different purposes. May it be money, compulsion, expression, maybe even just for fun. Or perhaps answer D, all of the above. Whether it’s art, music, videos, podcasts, or blog posts, every creator has a purpose, a reason they do what they do. What’s mine? There’s something particularly interesting about the reason I write that I’d like to discuss. A concept I find enlightening and beautiful.

A Window to My Soul

Lots of people keep journals, hidden away under their bed or under lock and key in their nightstand. They pen in their deepest darkest thoughts for nobody to ever read. Not even their closest allies have access to these pages. Their secrets never to be unveiled. A window into their life, boarded up. Windows are not made to be covered by blinds and drapes, let alone boarded. They are made to seen through. I, alike the window, wish to be seen through. By whomever cares to look inside. Like sand through an hourglass, these are the thoughts of my life.

Take a Peek

Through the practice of writing, and posting on my blog, I am crafting a lens into the soul of a man. My soul, on display, for any and all to see. No stained glass, no rose tenting, just plain old double pane. What, you think I don’t give a damn about insulation? I don’t want my energy bill going out the window! Some windows may be wide, others tall, perhaps a porthole or skylight here and there. There’s lots of different ways to look inside. Would you like a peek?

Lumière

Be our guest, be our guest, put my soul to the test. Do you wish to know my truth or even care to see the rest? Post by post, you will see, that there’s no more truer me, than what I write upon this scroll for all the internet to see. You will find what you seek, if you just take spare a peek. I don’t share this, just to spare bliss, cause the topics are quite bleak. But the joy, it will come, maybe not one for one. As my soul is still in spring, and I have yet to see the sun. So subscribe, if you please, if you don’t my minds at ease. The fact that you don’t care stops me not from writing these.

If you’re reading this, it’s not too late.

Brain Atrophy

There’s a part of me missing. Maybe not missing, but untrained? A “muscle” atrophied. Through the practice of weightlifting I’ve come to understand that there are many parts of me that I have not given enough consideration toward. I can tell when there is a power imbalance in my physical muscles, but for some reason it’s more difficult when the imbalance is in your mind. I’ve got a problem with the way I think, the way I act. A quintessential part of my personality has been absent in my life of late. It’s hard to exactly identify what it is, but let me make my best effort to name and shame. My drive. My ambition. My willingness to go out of a limb, to seek discomfort and conquer the unknown. Complacency is one of the most debilitating characteristics, a truly unfortunate trap any individual can fall into. I know not necessarily why I’ve fallen into this trap, other than the inevitability of being such a creature of habit that truly enjoys digging ruts of activity of which I cannot get out. Problem is, I enjoy new experiences, and I enjoy the feeling of freedom one gets when they leave the house to venture out into the unknown. So what’s stopping me from doing that?

Brain Gym

Where do you think your personality lives? Up top somewhere, in that big bran of yours of course.  The human brain is such a beautifully complex system, but with complexity comes the opportunity to break. Because of its incredible ability to rebuild itself, or let’s say mend itself, we often go through life with a partially busted brain. Your brain isn’t a muscle in the conventional sense, but it acts often quite similarly to a muscle in the way it needs to be trained to retain its strength. Cognitive atrophy is no joke, and if you choose (or unconsciously derelict) to disregard parts of who you are, those parts won’t work as good. I think as we age, it is common to leave parts of yourself behind. But it doesn’t always have to be that way. If you notice a part of you weakening, or breaking down, you have a chance to repair it. For muscles that means targeted exercise, for the brain, all the same. Exercise kinda sucks though, especially if you’ve only just discovered that the particular target muscle has atrophied to a great extent. Not many people enjoy doing hard things, our brains aren’t naturally programmed for that, it takes considerable effort to train your brain for that. But I want to be strong. I want to craft and smith myself into a man of distinct character. For my body, I go to the gym, but where do I go to strengthen my mind? Please nobody say a Buddhist temple, however, that does sound kinda cool.

Risk Taking Behaviour

I’ve been called a risk taker before. What does that even mean? Is it positive or negative? Honestly, that probably depends on the thing you are taking a risk on. Why is it that I feel so capable of taking risks on the bike or behind the wheel, but not so much in social settings or out in the world? Am I afraid, or just weak? Both? Shit, I don’t know. Regardless, risk taking is a part of me that I actually really enjoy. Someday it will kill me, but until then, I’m having a blast. The big question still remains unanswered, how can I harness my risk-taking nature and put it to use on this part of me I’m so obviously weak in. How can I take that energy and guide it to strengthen my atrophied ambition? Hmm. Like a cardboard box in need of recycling, let’s break it down.

Victimizer and Victim

Get over yourself. What I mean by that is, don’t belittle yourself for being weak. There’s really no use in beating yourself up over the fact that you aren’t who you want to be. To acknowledge the issue is enough, to harm your psyche is really overkill. Counterproductive for sure. Move past the “woe is me”, stop playing the victim and the victimizer. How you gonna go to court and sit behind two stands as the plaintiff and defendant? Judge is going to look at you like you’re some kind of fool, because you are. Only a fool would blame themselves for hurting themselves to the point of never stopping hurting themselves. Like, just stop. You’re better than that. Say whatever you need to say, tell yourself whatever you need to hear. May it be; “be a man”, “suck it up”, “get over it”, or simply, “stop”. You need to get past the fact that you are where you are, and get to the part where the dreams of a brighter future are not seen as dreams but potential realities.

Prove It

As my boy Shia would say, “Don’t let your dreams be dreams, DO IT”. Lmao, poor guy. Another wild mf once said, “name one genius that ain’t crazy”. Oh Ye. Regardless of how nuts both those homies are, their points, on occasion, are valid. In this instance, Shia is right. You’ve got to Nike that shit, Just Do It. As discussed in a previous post about getting yourself back on track, get back on the path and move forward with intention. Give yourself some grace, make it easy on yourself and do it. Believe in yourself, nobody else will until you do. Prove it to yourself. Prove it. I fuckin dare you. Until you do, you’ll be stuck in that rut, weak and embarrassed. Don’t be that guy. I want you to wake each morning with some carpe diem type shit. Go prove to yourself that you can be who you want to be. “The world is yours.”

Stand tall, you’ve got nothing to be ashamed of.

When did you find out?
That you’re not everything you want to be.
When did it happen to you?
At what age did you come to realize that the world doesn’t give a shit about you?

Inadequacy

How do you feel when you hear that word?
Does it stab you in the soul as it does to me?
Does it move you to tears in the way it does to me?
I’m not afraid of it, I am it.
To be not good enough, is all I know.

For brief moments does my mind change and I feel strong, capable, intelligent, confident even.
Very brief moments.
Smoke and mirrors.
It’s all a facade. Where’s the truth?
My mind has no objective foundation, all is hearsay and conjecture.
Untrustworthy narrator.

“You should be more confident”, I’ve heard it time and again from others.
Doesn’t matter. If I don’t believe it, doesn’t matter what anybody says.
For so damn long I’ve been beating myself up for not being what I wish I was.
I allow myself to belittle and minimize my achievements. To strengthen the neural pathways of negative reinforcement.
What a fucking tragedy.

I embarrass myself, to myself. How is that even possible.
UGH
I always blame me. It’s always been just me.
I want to be my own best friend instead of my own worst enemy. So badly.

Live on hope, instead of anxiety.
A pipe dream. Probably. Who knows. Not I.
Frustrating.

The Royal We

Life without purpose is pointless. Nobody has the authority to dictate any person’s purpose but themselves. So it’s up to every one person to lead their way. I often refer to myself with a “we”, like I am working alongside myself to accomplish my goals. Different executive functions operate independently of each other, and my body is a tool for those functions to leverage so they may accomplish their goals/objectives. So when I am operating effectively, “we” are doing well. All instruments of my orchestra are tuned and playing in time, a beautiful symphony. A symphony of sympathy.

Mantra Discovery

In my yoga class, the instructor taught us about mantra. What it means in Sanskrit, and why it’s important for a practicing yogic. I took some time to think about what my mantra is, serious thought went into this discovery. One day, whilst riding my bike, I felt strangely connected to the steel and rubber. The way the pedals turned, the translation of power into movement, the realization that the destination was just a stop along the Journey. The following evening, behind the wheel of my Miata, the same feeling came over me, then it came to me. My mantra was spoken aloud by an often muted executive function deep within myself, “Become One With the Car”. The moment I brought the car into the “we”, everything changed, we felt all right. We felt as one.

Togetherness

Whether I am biking, driving, hiking, golfing, lifting, cooking, eating, even resting, to become one with the tool or environment I find myself in brings serenity and focus. No longer am I driving the car, we are driving. No longer am I hitting a golf ball, we are golfing. I’m not riding a skateboard, we are skateboarding. Togetherness.

Become One With Another?

What more can I become one with? Other people? Perhaps that’s the most difficult “thing” to integrate into “we”. Electromagnetism tells me polarity disallows certain things from joining together. Is it possible that I’ll be unable to integrate with everything? Will it be impossible to Become One With anything? Possibly. Worth trying to find out, I’d say.

Where is my Mind?

What a strange mindfulness strategy: hey you random inanimate object, want to morph into my metaphysical person so that I may better be? God, I’m a fucking weirdo. We gotta figure out how to be more proud of that. Because I genuinely feel like that’s a good thing. Cue The Pixies, “Where is my mind?”

NTS inbound…

Falling out of routine on something is not an immediately noticeable phenomenon. Often, it starts slow, missing a day, making a singular excuse, and then it cascades into missing multiple days. Eventually, you stop whatever it is altogether. Usually, hopefully, you notice this regression before you completely cease to do whatever activity you’re intending on maintaining. This point in time realization is a key moment for you to realign your intentions and bring yourself back to the right path. It’s important to not fault yourself for wandering off path, because truthfully, it’s inevitable. Sometimes it’s caused by something, like a lapse, or relapse, other times it just happens. As a human being, being inconsistent is natural. Forming habits and sticking to them isn’t some guaranteed reality. Dedication and consistency are incredibly hard to cultivate within oneself. Honestly, that’s part of the reason why I am so impressed with many professional athletes, because in order to perform at that level, you must have incredible will power to maintain proficiency.

So when the inevitable fall off happens, what do you do to get back on track? How does one, “reel it back in”? Before I go on answering those questions, I want to confess my own reasoning for this analysis. Many times in my life, I’ve established a path for myself, then succulently deviated by a matter of slowly falling off. Take the book for example. Ideally it is a daily activity to check in with it, to check myself. It’s a silent accountability partner, a reflection of my own mentality. The book provides to me a measure of progress. Without the book, progress is untracked and undirected. Not staying consistent with the book, is undoubtedly correlated with falling out of routine with all other aspects of my life. So this inquiry of how to get back on track is vital for me to stay honest to my long term objectives.

There are a few strategies worth considering to support the reorientation of direction and reignition of positive momentum. The first step of course is identifying the situation. Catching yourself falling out of routine should be a humongous red flag. Alarm bells should be going off. Do not press the snooze button on those feelings. Listen and learn from them. To ignore that realization is to be complicit in your own failure to stay true to yourself. You must do something about it, and quick, immediately if you can. Do not delay, do not hesitate, act. What to do, though, what to do? Do it, duh! But it’s not always that easy. Let me be clear, addressing the fall off is more than just “getting back on the path”. You need to get back on the path, look back, look forward, and give yourself a nice lil push to get moving again. What’s that look like practically?

Three things: retrospection, dream, and simplify.

Retrospection comes in many forms. Looking back on where you came from, commending your progress, identifying pitfalls, and loving your journey are so key. For me, this comes in a few shapes. I will flip back through the pages of my book and cross off the things I’ve done days after initially writing them. This gives me an opportunity to realize the productivity of days past. Identify and substantiate the progress I’ve made. Each crossed off activity is a step in the right direction. To see those past steps taken gives me confidence in my ability to take more in the future. Progress is often so slow that it’s hard to feel at any point along the way. You can feel a single step, or series of steps, but it’s so difficult to feel the hundreds, thousands, of steps you’ve taken that have gotten you to where you are today. Try your hardest to feel that collective of minute positive movements, they are a culmination of your hard work. Celebrate your progress, pat yourself on the back, tell yourself “good job”. Don’t dwell on the past, respect it and turn toward the future.

Dream. This is also a common time for me to write a note to self. Especially if it has been a while since my last reflection. It’s a moment for me to commemorate. My note to self messages are often very forward looking. Charging myself up for what I wish to become. They come with a mix of congratulations, and medium term goal setting. Perhaps your journey is taking a previously unexpected change in direction, perhaps the path has narrowed, or the terrain has changed. Something has occurred to make the future unlike the past, don’t expect to continue on successfully without a change inexecution. “What has gotten us here is insufficient to get us further.” Take time to plan how you will address the future path. Reassess your routine and make the necessary modifications to accommodate your reality.

Simplify. Declutter your life, shed the weight you’ve been carrying before you move forward. This could be chores around the house for instance. I know for myself that laundry and dishes are a fantastic indicator of my mental cleanliness. How do you expect to move forward on your journey without clearing the pathway, without dropping the weight of past travels? See if there is a way to grease the wheels of your vehicle. For example, put the book “in your way” so you can’t neglect it in the morning when you arise. Ensure you have the right food in the fridge and pantry for meals. Spend a moment prepping for the week ahead so you have a clear runway to gain momentum on. These activities will get you moving, baby steps as you spin up your engine, and alleviate the stress of the first few big steps you will take as you begin moving back in the right direction.

Then go. Take a deep breath, and move forward. Repeat to yourself your mantra. Believe in yourself and get moving. Momentum is built over time, not instantly. Remember that. Respect that. Immediate gratification is a myth, a farce, a facade, a siren beckoning you’d be best to reject. What you’re working toward will take time to earn. Don’t be hard on yourself for not already being where you want to be. Be hard on yourself for expecting everything from nothing. They say Rome wasn’t built in a day. The pyramids, or the great wall, weren’t erected overnight. Effort over time yields results, it’s your job to put in that effort, it’s your responsibility to continue to put in that effort over time. Do it, results will come.

P.S. It feels like I’ve written this post before. Which is a testament to the reality of falling off.

Andromeda. The nearest sister galaxy to our own Milkyway, named after Greek mythology heart-throb.  An apt name for such a loving and beautiful creature as a cat. As I write this she is laying on top of me, and as I edit it a few days later, right beside. A stunning tortouiseshell, white pawed, split faced, pointy earied demonspawn.

Pet Ownership Morallity

Animals as pets have always presented a moral quandary within me. How is it fair that these beings are more or less forced to live with their owners? As a counter point, you look at longevity statistics and it apparently it pays off to live inside and be a pet. However I wonder, does living a longer, less exciting, life best a short and thrilling one? Hard to say. Some pet owners are really sweet to their pets, others, not so much. The pet doesn’t really get to choose the owner either, and obviously doesn’t have the outright ability to walk away from the situation they may find themselves in. Soooo, is pet ownership morally wrong? Sounds kinda like slavery.

Evolutionary Utility

For millennia cats and dogs have lived alongside humans. It’s basically built into their DNA. Domestication is a strange, strange concept. Evolutionarily dogs and humans joined forces to hunt for food. And cats and humans joined forces to protect food stocks. But that utilitarian viewpoint for pet ownership has for the most part gone away. Now they are more often than not emotional support animals. Still, it’s hard to say in either scenario exactly what the animal feels is a fair arrangement.

Symbiotic Relationships

I take very good care of my cat, she is my best friend. Andromeda helps me understand some of the more simple and obvious parts of life. Andromeda is less a pet and more friend in my eyes. But then again, when I go take a hike and pick up sticks and rocks I end up calling those my friends as well. Maybe that’s not the best word, perhaps companion is more like it. Pets are humans’ companions. There’s something so unique about the beauty of life in an alternate package with a different genealogy and subspecies utility. The variation in types of pets people take in is also interesting, there’s cats, dogs, rabbits, birds, snakes, geckos, lizards. Shoot, you can have really big pets like pigs, cows, sheep and horses although not as common, and most often those domesticated animals are bred for farming. Without a doubt the most popular pets are cats and dogs. I wonder why that is.

My Companion

Andromeda is the best companion I could ask for. We met when she was only a few months old, picked up off the street somewhere in the south, then transported to a shelter in Pittsburgh. The same shelter that I just so happened to walk in to that faithful day in early 2020. She’s got a wonderful personality, very talkative, very expressive, intelligent and able to communicate her needs. Does she really need me to survive? I doubt it. But she knows that she can rely on me to survive, and because of that dependability, what feels like a great appreciation is born. Because if you’re with someone that gives you everything that you need to survive it’s hard not to love them for consistently taking care of you.

Andromeda has done so much for me as a person. I’ve come to better realize why it is we as humans have cats. As I was saying earlier, back in the old days they were for chasing off vermin and protecting the crop from the most recent harvest. Now, they are a luxury addition to our lives. They don’t lack the same utility, for instance Andromeda will gladly chase down bugs and mice if she sees them, even catch a snake and bring it to me. All those old engrained utilities are nice and all, but there’s more. Andromeda helps me in ways I don’t even think she understands.

Andromeda has been there for me in the brightest and darkest moments of my life. The value she provides in my life is immeasurable. To get some of the obvious things out of the way, of course the regular requirement to keep another animal alive is non negligible. That responsibility helps you follow your own routine and gives you an opportunity to be a better person. One level deeper than that, they also help you appreciate your own life more. She helps me cope with the stresses of modern life. Helps me relax and take it easy, to appreciate the simpler things. Recently, in my stress management course I learned that having an animal in your life can greatly benefit your mental health. Apparently divorced men in their 20s and 30s are 10x more likely to die. I give a lot of credit to my own survival to the fact that Andromeda was there for me.

Some of the different things that I love about Andromeda is when she really wants to play she will bring her toy to you wherever you may be in the house. String in mouth, roaring like a lion, she will drop it at your feet and demand play, doesn’t matter if you’re busy or not. Miss Andromeda has a strong affinity for strings, specifically shoelaces. Whether they’re on a shoe or not she very much enjoys shoelaces which is I guess no surprise because she also loves snakes. Something in her DNA says that those are fun to play with, or that you should chase and kill them. Often playing with Andromeda feels like I’m giving her some exercise in what her species was for so long dedicated to do for humankind.

She loves to nibble on me when I don’t pet her enough. Like she will grab my hand with her paw or bite to say, “you’re not done petting yet”. When I got Andromeda I said to myself, I want a cat that would kind of be a bitch, and I definitely got a cat like that. She’s very food motivated as well. Always hopping up on the chair next to me when I’m having dinner, pawing at my spoon every bite trying to get her share of the food. I’ll let her have a little bit of salmon or chicken from time to time because I can’t help but spoil her.

She’s so smart she knows how to do a few tricks I taught her when she was a kid. She can sit, stay, shake hands and spin around. She loves showing those off to new friends. Matter of fact, she loves making new friends. Whenever I bring anyone over, she is the most friendly and curious cat. Never running away and hiding, which I love. She has different types of meows that communicate different things to me. Whether she’s happy or upset, needs water, food, play or a clean box. She will paw at the window or door to the patio when she wants a breath of fresh air. Needless to say, she has a way of getting what she wants. She knows her name, and she’s knows when she’s being a trouble maker. Like when she tries biting my toothbrush or puts her back paws on the table.

She’s a split gene tortoise shell, meaning one of her sides is a little bit lighter than the other. It’s very obvious in her face, but the split goes all the way down her backside. Her left side has substantially more tabby in it. Funny enough, I think she knows that because whenever she goes to stretch or lay down she always tries to show off that tabby side. She doesn’t love it when I try to give her kisses on the forehead and she doesn’t normally let me play with her paws or toe beans either. And she absolutely despises when I sing, I think she’s under the impression I’m dying because she will come up and bite me in the neck as if that will resuscitate me. Once every blue moon she will lose one of her bright white whiskers around the house, and it feels like an easter egg finding one.

I can’t imagine life without her. She is, without a doubt, the most precious and beautiful thing in my life. Recently, with all the stress I’ve been going through, her and I will just cuddle together and breathe. She gives great hugs and loves to be held. Anytime I go to lay down, no matter where I am in the house, moments later she’ll arrive. Not so patiently awaiting her opportunity to lay down on my right hip and sprawl out. When I’m not around to be her personal heater, she’ll lay on my clothes, clean or dirty, doesn’t matter. I imagine she’s attracted to my scent. If not in a pile of laundry, you can find her on the bed, on a window sill, in the hammock, or occasionally on top of the cupboards in the bathtub. She’s got all her spots, and every so often will deviate, like when she plops down in a drawer, or sneaks into the medicine closet when I’m not looking.

Wherever she decides to rest, I know deep down she is at peace being with me. Our bound is strong. I love her very much, and I can tell she loves me.

Note to the reader: This was posted many months after it was written.

What does it mean to be in love?
What does it mean to be alone?
What does it mean to be alive?

Coming Back from a Pause

It’s been far too long since I’ve touched this blog. To be honest, it’s been far too long since I’ve been myself. But who even am I?

I return to this place once again in the darkest depths of my life. Last we spoke, I was celebrating being a homeowner for a whole year, a life goal I didn’t know would ever be attainable. Such a fantastic accomplishment at a very young age. Who would have thought it could get any better? What I didn’t realize at the time was that the person who was taking that picture would become be the center of my life, Mary.

Mary

This woman would soon be my world. My sun and moon rose and fell for her. We met so young, so fresh in our lives. We fell madly in love almost instantly. There’s never been a person more for me than her. Together we built a life, a family, a home, a story that would never end. We married after 3 years of partnership. A partnership that saw us survive the global Covid pandemic, heart surgery, the death of loved ones, the adoption of two precious kittens, the joys of adventure in some of the most beautiful places. Countless memories we made together, many hardships we overcame together, we were inseparable.

I felt like I had found my true love, so I put everything I had into her. I spent so much time, effort and money supporting her. Trusting her and building my life around her. She put just as much time and effort into the relationship, putting up with my weird quirks and always encouraging me to be great. We worked tirelessly to get her through school; her associates, bachelors and then onto her masters. We would both end up working multiple jobs to afford and enjoy the life that we had. We started saving up for a forever home together. There were so many happy memories we made together it’s hard to tell the whole story. We played games together, board games and video games like Stardew Valley, Animal Crossing or Fortnite. We had sushi dates regularly, which was an homage to our first date. We hiked the local mountain countless times, I would end up proposing at the top of that mountain. She welcomed me into her family and we spent multiple Christmas breaks with them down in Tampa.

We travelled all over exploring some of the greatest cities and national parks the east coast has to offer. We would go to the beach and she would comb for sea glass while I’d find interesting shells. We would say we were rich if we came back with a big haul. In the winter, we would make snow angels, and we even built a snowman in the park that lasted for weeks. We would drive by it and always giggle that he was still standing. We rode bikes together, one time broke both our hands within the same week.

Played beer die with each other and our friends. We went to countless bookstores to fuel her insatiable love for reading, I would peruse the music section to find classics. We would sit at the kitchen table and talk for hours and hours about everything under the sun. We grew together, and created the most beautiful relationship I’ve ever experienced. I loved her with all my heart. I trusted her completely. She was my Mur.

Betrayal

Two and a half years into our marriage and we make the decision to move her up to Maine for graduate school to pursue her dreams while I stayed back in Pittsburgh to pursue mine in my career. After a single semester away, she had a whole new group of friends, and a whole new personality. I visit every month, sometimes multiple times a month to stay connected to her, but slowly a divide grew between us. I get jealous of one of her new friends and ask if there is anything between them. She tells me no, and makes me feel bad for even considering it. One month later I learn the truth, she was having an affair with that “friend”, and I didn’t learn about it until her downstairs neighbors reached out to tell me.

That’s right, her downstairs neighbors were the ones to break the news to me. They sought me out and sent an email because they felt compelled to uphold their own integrity. For that I am eternally grateful. Maybe for every two horrible people, there are four great ones. Or maybe not, perhaps they were just assholes with a conscious. I sent them a thank you present and they wrote back. If it wasn’t for them, I may have never known.

Grief

I’ve never been more betrayed in my whole life. The emotions I’ve felt in the past months as I work through the grief, and we work through the divorce, have been unbelievably horrendous. I can’t fathom how anyone could do this to the person they love, but here I am entrenched in sorrow and embarrassment. I’m lost, and alone. Afraid of the unknown to come. I’ve done everything I can to just stay alive. I used to say that this marriage was the greatest decision in my life, now I say this divorce is the worst moment in my life. I have never been lower. I had to call the suicide hotline one of the first nights after it all came to light because I was truly on the brink. Isolated and overwhelmed in grief in the home we made together. The home we survived in together, the one we were alive in together. The home where our love began.

What does it mean to be in love?
What does it mean to be alone?
What does it mean to be alive?

Introspection

I find myself asking these questions often now as the days go on. I keep moving forward while such a huge part of my life is now gone. Am I alone? Or am I free? What is life without love? Why have I chosen to stay alive?

I find myself asking these over and over. I ask, how could she have done this? How could you do this to someone you love? What does love even mean?

The answers never come. The questions create darkness I wallow in until my tear ducts have ran dry. I yell into the void for nothing but silence to return.

Nobody has the answers for any of these questions and it frustrates me beyond comprehension. I can’t even muster an explanation that even scratches the surface of all of these impossibly complex queries. Life is not simple. It’s undeniably complex and messy. I suppose the reason why this frustrates me so is because I’ve been proven wrong. Nobody really likes to learn of their own ignorance, it mocks us and belittles our ego. Instead of resenting my ignorance, I wish to understand. Perhaps I ought to embrace the ignorance and learn something instead. There’s got to be a lesson here in the mud. It feels as though the only reason I was “wrong” was because I felt like I understood what love meant, I felt sure of it. Perhaps you’re only wrong when you settle on an answer that you believe is definitive. Maybe the answers to those questions are never the same no matter who or when you ask them. The answers are alive and infinite. There’s beauty in believing you’re right, you can flourish for a time, but you must know deep down that all things change over time. As such, what it means to love, to be alone, to be alive, also change. Strength comes from understanding that fundamental truth, accepting it and enjoying all the moments regardless.

In my quest for understanding, I’ve neglected that truth. We try our best each and every day, but does it mean anything if it will all change and come undone in the end?

I’d like to think it does, but right now, I’m uncertain. Doubt courses through my veins. I turn inward once again in search of who I am, perhaps I can find meaning there. I need a question I can answer to get me moving again.

What are you going to do about it?

I am going to be strong. I am going to stay healthy. Worlds crumble, but from the rubble, they can be rebuilt. It’s winter right now in the season of life, and I know spring comes next. Soon the rains will pour and I will be given the greatest opportunity in life, growth. I’ve read back many of my words from times before and they all still resonate true within me. I am still a good person, and I still deserve a life full of joy and splendor. This relationship was not a failure by my doing. Blame isn’t always useful in situations like this, and it’s not fair to call the whole relationship a failure. There were many great lessons and successes along the way. What she did was wrong, but it’s only a failure if I reject the opportunity to learn and grow from it. Learning from a mistake that wasn’t your own can be difficult. But, I’ve learned and I’ve grown through many mistakes and failures before, and this one will be no different. I need a plan. I know that with hard work and dedication I will become a stronger version of me. Back to the book I go. New title, Keep Moving Forward.

As for the next few months, my main priorities are me.
1. Health and Fitness. I am going to get in the best shape of my life and I am going to love myself for it.
2. Focus on my career. I am going to reaffirm my passion for engineering and discover new pathways for my knowledge, expertise and skillset to be challenged.

All else is out of consideration.

I need a change in scenery, and I think its been far too long since I’ve been on the move, so I’ve got a few places to check off the list. They may not all get done this year, but as I take a break from working, here is where I plan to go.

Spain
Croatia
Austria
South Korea
Japan
Vietnam/Thailand
Singapore
Philippines
New Zealand

I’ll still keep my house in Pittsburgh for when I eventually return home. But I don’t plan on living there forever. I hope my new work situation will take me to the pacific northwest. Somewhere where there are beautiful beaches for relaxation and cloud cresting mountaintops for ascending.

I’m not going to stress myself out and worry about finding love again for a while. If it finds me, I’ll be the best me to accept it. For now, I’m going in search of knowledge. I’m going to find myself.

P.S. I miss you, Lumen.

Impactful Relationships

Relationships are special, no matter how brief or impactful. Each connection you make with another person is incredible in its own right. I’ve, alike many others, been blessed by the presence of some incredible people in my time here on Earth. Through these relationships I’ve grown into who I am today. Family, Friends, Partners, Lovers, Mentors, and Strangers have all played a part in the formulation of me. Without them, I would not be where I am today. I’m so thankful to have been in their life, and for them to have been in mine.

Visualized Relations

I’ve decided to draw my life relations on a timeline the way I conceptualize them. With people as the lines coming in and out of my life, the strength and impact of those relationships highlighted in the strength of the line. The nature of the relationship highlighted in the colour. And the closeness showcased in nearness to my lifeline. Green is family, blue is friends, red and pink are partners and flings respectively. This isn’t a super high fidelity diagram, but more a rough showcase of who has come and gone in my life over time.

Make the Most of Each Connection

Each relationship is so dear to my heart. There is so much that can come from that connection. It’s important to me to maximize the experience I share with each person that comes into my life. You never know when a random chance acquaintance can turn into a very meaningful relationship for years and years.

Recently I’ve been playing with the idea of doing more speaking forward posts. Instead of writing something then reading it out, I would just speak from the heart and see what I could get out. Like a podcast or stream of consciousness type of thing. Let’s see where it goes, might be a fun way for me to work on my speaking and idea processing simultaneously.

First go: People are Gross

What does it mean to be a friend?

Not often do I get tripped up by specific words. ‘Friend’ happens to be one of those. I mean, what is a friend anyway? What’s the point? Someone to commiserate with whist navigating the oceans of life? A helping hand to lend a compass or map when you lose your way? A person to guide the path in the darkness of night and it’s a new moon? Someone to rescue you when the waves get choppy and you capsize?

All these things. An ally, a mentor, a lifeline. Friends serve a great purpose in one’s life. To go without friends is to play life on hard mode. Life’s hard enough, why choose to make it any harder on yourself going it alone?

There is no shame in getting help

Arnold once said, “there is no such thing as a self made man”. Each and every one of us has taken advantage of the support of another at some point in our lives. To say you haven’t is a lie. There’s no shame in getting help from another person.

Can you love a friend?

I used to think ‘love’ was a term that is reserved for a significant other. My definition of love was to put another above yourself. That may not be the best definition, I’m sure mirriam webster would have something to say about it. In fact, let’s find out. — They’ve got two definitions that sound pretty fair: “strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties” and “warm attachment, enthusiasm, or devotion”. I don’t know about you, but those both sound like they can be attributed to friends as well as lovers. So then why is saying I love you to a friend feel odd? Or is that just me?

Friends stick together

You know what I find kind of funny? After speaking with many friends on the matter, it seems like a lot of people can come and go in your life, but friends are often the people who stick around longest. Friends and Family, right? Too bad I don’t really feel like I have a great amount of either of those. What the fucks the matter with me?

It’s getting old

Not sure if it’s toxic masculinity or my autism but I’ve chosen a life of most resistance. I’ve unintentionally distanced myself from family, and more or less refused to build many friendships. Living life on hard mode is getting really fucking old. I’m tired grandpa. Keep digging!

Let’s go get some friends James, but first, it might be a good idea to figure out what sort of people can even be your friend. What traits made a good friend for you? What do you need to do in order to gladly accept the friendship and help it grow?

What does it mean to be my friend?

The criteria for a friend of mine are ‘simple’. Be a good person, be passionate about something important, be curious about learning, and enjoy doing things that I enjoy doing. That’s pretty much it, I think. Shouldn’t be so hard finding those people right? Eh.

Making Friends

Let’s think about how to do it. Perhaps, do things that you enjoy, engage with the people around you, make a connection and begin a dialog? Shit, why does that sound exactly like the plot to dating? For some reason though, it sounds easier than dating. Hmm. Perhaps because I don’t want to fuck my friends, like some people do?

Keeping Friends

Well if that job description is simple enough, and the recruitment process is straightforward, where are all the new hires? Oh, there’s actually more to it? I need to develop the relationship? How the hell am I supposed to do that? Something something give and take, something something reasonable expectations, something something understanding we all are living our own lives. Am I sociopathic? Is it really all just quid pro quo? Or is there a piece of it I’m missing? Do others expect something from me just as I expect something from them? I can imagine some people expect nothing more than presence, whereas some might be more demanding. I think I prefer those who are less demanding. Can we all just be chill, please?

Also what if I have to fire one of my friends because they aren’t being chill? Jesus does that sounds not fun. How many friends can I even manage? No fucking clue. Guess it depends on how much time they request of me. Balance will be key, huh. I’m a low key dude and I need some low key friends, high key. I’m definitely overthinking this.

Letting them in

One last thought though, how much do I let them know of me? I can be a lot. I don’t what them quitting on me, or firing me. Is it something that just gets sorted out? Like, buddy, it’s your 30day review and you’ve hung out with me once and that’s just not cutting it, sooo… you’re fired. Yeah I think I’m a sociopath forsure. I mean, who the fuck thinks of friendships like this?

Only one way to find out

Whatever, I’m overcomplicating it, go figure. Probably best to just follow the old Alma Mater motto, learn by doing. I’ll keep these concepts in mind, but there really is no better way to figure shit out then by trying and failing many times over huh?

Lastly, who the fuck would want to be my friend anyway? Presumably someone just as fucked up as me. They exist… probably. Just gotta go find them. Should I make flyers? Help Wanted: A Friend for James

Sense

Take a moment right now to stop what you are doing and look around. Notice anything special? It might be a person or pet that you love, it may be the leaves on the trees or the flowers in the meadow. Listen in too, what do you hear? Can you hear the sound of cars? Perhaps an airplane passing overhead? Is the neighbor out mowing their lawn again for the second time this week? What about touch? Are you holding onto something? Is it smooth or coarse? Warm or cold? What’s it made out of, plastic, metal, flesh? Have you got something to eat or drink? Have some. What does it taste like? Is it pleasant, sweet, perhaps savory? Or does it kick with sour or bitterness? Did you smell it as you brought it to your mouth? Was it agreeable to your senses? Was there balance, or did a particular sense overwhelm the others? Which did you like most, which was most powerful, most compelling?

One of my favorite ice breaker questions is what sense do you find most compelling? Often, people will ask, which is your favorite, or which could you live without. Those are good too. But specifically I want to know which do you find moves you the most inside? Which triggers the strongest reaction. Either good or bad, which sense will make you cry, or smile, most often. Tell me, do you even pay attention until that stimulus registers?

Be Mindful

We spend most of our lives not acknowledging how these things make us feel. We live with constant stimuli arousing and assaulting our senses that so often, we pay them no mind. How unfortunate. They are so special, they deserve more recognition. There was a poster outside of my high school phycology classroom that read “Pay attention to the details”. I never really understood exactly what that meant, not until I was older. My girlfriend in university would always tell me, “stop and smell the flowers”. I love flowers, they’re soft, vibrant, aromatic. Yet, do I stop for each flower I see along the way? No. Why not? Am I too busy, in a hurry for what? Life’s too short to stop and smell all the flowers. But is it? You really don’t even know how short it is until it’s nearly gone anyway. I think, and hear me out on this, I think it’s the opposite. Life is too long not to smell the flowers. Too long not to feel the breeze. I choose to cherish every moment my bare feet step in the sand along the oceanside. Appreciate each and every chirp coming from the birds resting in the tree that shades me temporarily from the suns’ deadly rays. Because life is too long not to pay attention to the details.

Feelings are Truth

We waste so much of our time here on earth doing worthless shit. The complicated nature of humanity has taken away so much of the beauty of life. The system we’ve built will distract you from the truth. The truth that all that is truly real is what you feel. What your senses tell you. What your emotions are signaling to you. That which is so often ignored by adults in our society. How does it make you feel? Do you even know what you feel? I noticed I had that problem a year or two back. I would become emotional and not have a clue what emotion, or really even why. They don’t really teach that shit in school, so how was I supposed to learn? Silly James, Trix are for kids, and most of your learning takes place outside the walls of an institution. I had a teacher recently help me get closer to the truth. Get closer to my feelings. Understand them, appreciate them. Live with them. Not to hide them or hide from them, but to feel them.

James’ Dresser

I built a catalog of these emotions, a diagram that I could lean on to help me map them out. It was something I created, so in a way, it’s my version of Inside Out. It contains all the emotions I know within me as drawers in a dresser. Sometimes when I’m feeling emotional, I open up this drawing and pull out one of those drawers and allow myself to feel that emotion. I will embrace it for a moment, allow it to flush through my system. Then, when I feel like I’ve had enough, I’ll close it. This has allowed me to know what I am feeling, to become more familiar with my body’s response to each emotion.

Know What and Why You Feel

Are you ever uncomfortable? So emotional that you can’t function. That’s not something to be upset about, be fearful of, or pin as wrong in any way. In fact, that’s good. It means you’re still alive. The problem is when you don’t know why you are feeling that way. The emotion isn’t the issue, its the fact that you don’t know what the emotion is, or why you’re feeling it. Take it as a lesson from me, if you may, to build out your catalog. There’s been research and great study into the diverse range of emotions that we humans feel, start there. And learn what signs point in which direction for you when a particular feeling intensifies. Only then should you worry about what to do about them.

What to Do

As far as what to do about them goes, start by believing they’re real. That they deserve your time. That other people experience them as well, and that it is what connects us all as a people. If you don’t like that you are uncomfortable, seek comfort. If you don’t know what what comforts you, figure it out. The next time you feel comfortable, take note. Everybody finds different stimuli appealing, so don’t just listen to what others say helps them, find your own balance. For me, it’s silence, a cool breeze, the sound of my own footsteps beneath me, and a beautiful view. See you on the mountaintop.

It Started From a Young Age

Living is hard, I think we all know that. But do you want to know what’s harder? Living with the knowledge that everybody else is living, and that they are having it just as hard. When I was a young boy in the late years of elementary school I found myself reading the newspaper, eating my cheerios or eggs in the morning. First off, what the hell was a 12 year old doing reading the newspaper, second off, newspaper? Do we all still remember what that is? Anyway, would you like to know what section I was reading? It wasn’t the Classifieds or the Periodicals, it was the World News section. I’d sit there pondering the impacts of the Iraq War or the implications of the appending global financial crisis. Let me remind you, I was a pre-teen concerning himself with the lives of others in a way I don’t imagine many adults even do. Why? Did I really care about those peoples’ lives? To be honest, I’m not quite sure. What I do know is that the world was opening up to everybody with the appending proliferation of social media and internet-ification of everything. And I was paying attention, listening, reading, trying to understand what was about to happen, or was already happening, to people all over the world. I’m not sure it was a good idea. What I learned wasn’t to my enjoyment. I learned very quickly that the world is a tremendously complicated and challenging arena. All over, people are hustling and many-a-time, struggling for their lives. It hurt me to learn this, it hurt to read. When I got access to the internet only a few years later, my eyes were opened even wider to the truth. People can be cruel, the society we live in is ruthless. Those Disney movies were fucking lying to me. I didn’t know it then, but I started building coping mechanisms to counter the internalization of others’ pain. One way in which this happened was the selectiveness for which I touched others. Physical contact made it real. The closer I got to people the more I realized their pain, I felt it. So my best course of action was to stay distant.

I Couldn’t Handle It

Do you know what an NPC is? If you don’t, good for you, you must not have spent your life engrossed in video games like I have. It stands for Non-Player Character and it is a term given to the programmed characters you interact with in whilst you work your way through the in game missions. They give you quests, they accompany you on the story line, and often times, they exist in the game solely to interact with you. I feel like I’ve spent a good chunk of my life pretending that I’m the main character in a video game, and everybody else is an NPC. It’s a meme you’ll see on reddit or other semi-deplorable internet forums that people walking down the street, minding their own business, are “NPCs”. It gives “I’m the main character” kind of vibes. For most people I think they do this subconsciously, live their lives with little consideration for others. I think I’ve done this consciously. I have a hard time looking at people. I have a hard time talking to people. I have an incredibly hard time having physical contact with people. This all comes down to the simple fact that the closer I get, the more I realize that they are real. I can’t handle that fact. Not because I’ve got some weird complex, but because it’s overwhelming. The weight of realization of an individual’s balance along the tightrope of life gives me unbearable anxiety. I can realistically only handle being close with a couple of people in my life. I’m not sure if that makes me selfish or shallow, but I know it makes me sad. I wish I could connect more with people without this anxiety crippling me so.

What Can I Do?

I see people all around me making friends and being jolly with each other and I can’t relate. I prefer to be alone, unbothered, unconcerned. I honestly don’t understand how people can maintain so many friendships without bearing a burden of the uncomfortable realization that the other person is real. The depth of a human being is deep. I don’t like swimming in water I can’t see or touch the bottom of. I’m the same way with people, and I can only hold my breath for so long. How can I overcome this trained avoidance? What steps do I take to rethink and reprogram the way that I am. To feel more comfortable accepting the burden of others company? I’m not sure just yet. I’ve started looking at people in the face when I walk by them on the trail. I’ve begun having conversations with strangers in the park to give me exposure therapy. I’ve gone so far as to find places that people go to, and be present in those places, so that I can have the opportunity to interact with another human. I know this may sound totally strange to any normal person, but I’m certainly not one of those. To me, this is a challenge I give myself. To face my fear of interaction. I want to help people, but I don’t want to feel their pain? That’s not fair. And I know life is not all pain and suffering, I’m working on seeing the good and the bad. But I can’t look past the bad yet, I’ve got to look it right in the eye. I need to stop being afraid. Life is worth living, unafraid. Perhaps the perspective that I should take is that these people can help me carry the burden… Together, we all live, suffer, thrive…

It’s been one whole year as a homeowner and I couldn’t be happier!

Why?

I made a Facebook account when I was 13, I think it was for some school project. Which is strange because the app wasn’t even around for that long at that point, less than 5 years. I made a Twitter when I was 15, and an Instagram at 16. Snapchat at 17. Now nearing 25, I no longer desire an online presence in that way.

Back then I cared a lot more about what people thought of me. I was young, naive, and wishing to fit in. These apps offered a way to socialize from afar, I wouldn’t need to talk with people or hang out with anyone. My ‘friends’ knew I was cool or funny because I would post a cool or funny post every once in a while. I’ve since changed a lot.

In the past three years I posted on average 2 photos a year, on Instagram which was my favorite of all of them, as I do really enjoy photography. All other applications have laid completely dormant for the duration and more. I simply don’t use them to post, and when I do, I get no satisfaction from others seeing it.

Furthermore, I found myself mindlessly scrolling on each of the apps. Whenever I was bored or taking a shit I would open Insta, look at all the new stuff, open Facebook and do the same, and so on down the line. I found myself numbing my ass on occasion because I had gotten sucked into some endless, pointless scrolling. I don’t want a numb ass, and I certainly don’t want a numb brain. Social media was numbing my brain.

So I deleted it all, actually deleted, no deactivation, straight deletion. And you know what, I could tell the difference immediately. I cried with a sense of relief. I had so simply removed such a negative dependence in my life. By removing myself from this negative externality, I gained back a part of me.

Trepidations

It took a little convincing, I won’t lie. I dwelled on this thought for months. My main objections were three fold:

• I wouldn’t be able to connect with people as easily.
• I wouldn’t get to share/document my life.
• I would lose my rights to @jamescaud.

It took a while for me to reject these pushback points as frivolous fears. But with careful examination, I was able to overcome them with logic and understanding.

First, I don’t really care about all my ‘friends’ on social media. I really don’t. I would use Facebook’s automated birthday notifications to delete people year round, so obviously I don’t really care about all of them. There are a few people I will miss seeing content from, but if I’m being frank, I probably won’t notice. As far as people trying to get into contact with me or vice versa, it’s not like I’ll forget their name, and the internet isn’t going anywhere, so I’m sure they’ll find me or I’ll find them.

Second, I do enjoy sharing. I don’t care if people see it, I mostly enjoy documenting my life as I go through it. Like an internet diary, a blog. Hey what do you know, I have a blog. A neglected blog, granted, but a blog none the less. With social media gone, I do expect to increase my utility of this app. It’s more personalized, and I get to share everything in one place; photos, videos, ideas. And look, a post in 2020 already, not bad! speaking of 2020, jesus fucking christ

Third, and probably the hardest to let go, @jamescaud has now been retired on all platforms except LinkedIn. I didn’t really count that as social media, but hopefully someday i can get rid of that too. This was really hard for me, jamescaud is my brand. And giving up something you have fought hard to solidify is not easy. But at the end of the day, I am jamescaud, these accounts aren’t me, they just describe. Myself and my brand live on through this website and through me. So if someone else comes along and wants to be jamescaud on facebook, I’ll have to tell them they weren’t the first to think of that cool name haha.

So they are gone now. I’ll see you out there in the world. If you ever think of me, just know I’m doing alright, and that I’m happier now.