Alrighty! Filler words are going away at a steady pace, conjunctive overuse is dwindling, and no longer does everybody, “you know”.
It’s time for me to start addressing a few more areas of speech that need improvement. Let’s start with pausing. I don’t always have to be speaking! Introducing pausing into my speech will provide me with a strong tool to emphasize a point or allow my listener to internalize my message.
Looking forward to not being a rambling story-teller. Hit ’em with the pause!
Missed the last week, deepest apologies. To make it up, I’ve doubled down and did a 10min. Honestly, that’s not the reason I went long, I just had a lot to say.
Without further ado: Record and Review 6
I recently travelled to San Diego to celebrate my sisters graduation and awarding of her teacher’s credential. It was a hell of a vacation. I went with a couple of objectives in mind. Primarily to spend some time with my family, and to celebrate my sister’s achievement. Secondarily, I was hoping to take opportunities to experiment with some social scenarios I don’t normally engage in. In essence, to challenge myself socially. Push my own boundaries and determine how much I’ve grown. Also, how much I am able to push my social battery limits. Both missions were successful, however I did have an optional side quest I was unable to check off. More on that later in a future post.
So what did I learn? Well, family is a funny thing, and people are very proud of the relationships they have created. Humans are social creatures, right? They thrive off other human interactions, right? Well most people do, I do only sometimes. As I’ve discussed in previous posts, I find it tremendously difficult to engage with others when I am not mentally prepared for it. By mentally prepared, I mean, that I have the energy capacity and will to exchange with others. If either of those elements is not present, James is going to be a tough cookie to crack.
The family was great. We had a few very nice dinners and took a few pictures with my sister all gown-ed up. I haven’t spoken deeply on my family before on this blog but I think it’s due time.
Born second of three to a set of two hard working parents. My middle child syndrome was felt fairly often. My grandma would be responsible for getting me and my two sisters to and from school every day, driving us in her blue ford Tarus bumping oldies. My older sister had great academic potential but was stifled but a few learning disabilities that she overcame through therapy. My younger sister was a social butterfly that enjoyed getting into trouble. Both my parents and grandmother recognized early on that I was a “mostly” easy case. Not that interested in breaking the rules, gifted in school which allowed me to skate by unassisted. This afforded me the opportunity to run my own show. By 13 I was working a steady soccer reffing job on the weekends, and when I hit 16, my license to drive became a gateway to freedom that moved me even farther from reliance on my family. What I didn’t know at the time was just how this fiercely independent boy would grow up to build complete self reliance, but would harbor trauma from his glass childhood.
I love my family, but that doesn’t mean I enjoy spending much time with them. I appreciate all that my parents, grandmother, and sisters did for me throughout childhood, but I became an adult much too young. That adult I became, he wasn’t a family guy. He wasn’t a friends guy. He didn’t really give a shit about forming relationships because his entire upbringing was a trial in self sufficiency and intentional isolation. This wasn’t “forced” onto me per se, I just knew I had an opportunity to alleviate some of the struggles that my family was having by just not being a problem. By getting out of the way, and laying low, I wasn’t a burden to the family. It was my opportunity to save them the stress. Let’s just say that hasn’t resulted in a fully functioning adult. The trauma of growing up on my own with little support from my family has ingrained into me a few dysfunctional behavior patterns that are hard to undo. We are working on them in therapy, wish me luck.
On the trip I met a bunch of new people and made a few friends. Over the week I spoke in depth with over a dozen unique beautiful humans. Half of them were friends of my sister, the other half were complete randoms. Whether it was going to a underground speakeasy jazz bar, or bumping into people on a hiking trail, there were countless human interactions that challenged me to socialize and got me thinking. I wrote a post a little while back about an opening for friends, a help wanted. In that post I discussed what kind of people are my people, my true kin. From all of the people I met this week, one stand out in particular. A woman I met while hiking a beachside trail named Michele. Something about the way we connected felt so genuine and wholesome. Her spirit was of the same nature as mine, it felt. I was kicking myself after we parted ways for not getting her number or asking her to hang out more, but I’m treating that as a lesson to be more forward and opportunistic when I find those people. Something about her felt so right, like we could truly get along. Next time I won’t let that opportunity pass without getting contact information.
There seems to be a social formula people follow when they meet someone new. Step 1: fraternize and find commonalty, Step 2: trade names and touch, Step 3: dive deeper, Step 4: trade contacts, Step 5: Enjoy each others company. There is something about the pace at which that happens, or the phase transfers that intrigue me. Let me break down my thoughts on each of the stages and the transitions.
Wherever you are meeting this new random person, there is likely already some common ground to stand-on, leverage that to built rapport. Are you in a jazz club, what kind of jazz do they like? Are you on a trail, ask them how it compares to other hikes they’ve taken recently. This is why one of the most common questions I’ve heard as an opener is, “Do you come here often?” It’s a nice ice breaker that draws upon that commonality of environment. It doesn’t have to be the environment that you connect on first, it could be something else completely random. One thing I like to do is find something unique about them from their clothes/style/outwardly expressed persona and ask them about it. To be honest though, the hard part of this stage isn’t finding the thing of commonality, it is working up the nerve to say hello in the first place. It may sounds silly, but that initial hello is non-trivial. It takes courage to talk with random people, and sometimes I don’t have that courage. It might be something related to rejection avoidance. To be honest, the method I’ve adopted is to to look at them, smile, wave, say hi/hello/yo. That progression of human to human acknowledgement and greeting is simple and effective.
People have names, and getting a person’s name is a priority if you intend on becoming their friend. I very much enjoy getting to know people’s names, they are so fun and unique in their own right that it makes the process of learning and using their name that much more engaging. When I meet someone and get their name, 9 times out of 10 I will spell it for them, or ask them to spell it for me, so that I may lock it into my memory. It’s a very house bunny style of learning names. Spelling and pronunciation are key. The funny part about this stage is the trade and the timing. Many very successful extroverts I’ve studied go straight to the name then work to find commonality, I haven’t decided if that is better or not, but it’s one way to do it. There are two different ways that this trade can take place, either an asking of their name, an offering of yours. Not sure which is best yet, but they both seem to work fine. The most important part of this stage, however, is the physical connection. Men will often offer their hand first then give their name after a shake. Women no different, however sometimes it will be a hug. I very much appreciate this custom, but it is a challenge for me as I’ve already discussed in a prior post. A funny side note here is the different ways of which people offer first touch. The good ole fashioned shake, a lowkey fistbump, a highkey dab, or some other strange variant or combination. This is the part where I say that I need to get better at dabbing people up, because I like that one best, lmao. Even though it is a simple gesture, the interlocking of hands brings souls closer together. Our hands are probably our most utilized tools, so the sharing of touch of hands is very intimate. It makes sense that the trading of touch and names goes hand in hand.
This is where things get interesting. Now that you have the person’s name, you’ve made your physical contact, and you are standing on common ground, you can learn about them on a deeper level. This stage is a green field open opportunity space. My favorite place to take conversation t this stage is passions and dreams. This is my personal favorite stage, probably because I love learning about people and find their interests extremely entertaining and engaging. Learning something new is fantastic, learning something new from someone new is even more thrilling. Sometimes keeping the conversation flowing can be a challenge. Some people are naturally good conversationalists, others have difficulty. Some people talk to much about themselves, or ask too much about the other person. Other people are short and uninterested, or sometimes just plain uninteresting. Boring people exist, no hate though, sometimes I wish for a boring life. It is usually at this point that you figure out whether or not this person is your kin, if you haven’t been able to determine that already. Not only will you be able to determine their kinship status, but you should also at this point determine their intentions. Are they talking to you to be friendly, or just to not be rude? Are they flirting, with romantic intentions, or for fun? This vibe check is ey to progress onto the next stage.
Is they pas the vibe check proceed immediately to a trade of contacts. In the modern world people will often ask for your socials. Most commonly with my generation it is Instagram, very rarely snapchat or Facebook. If not socials, numbers. When I met Abraham at the jazz bar he was shocked to learn I didn’t have social media yet was delighted to take down my blog url. No numbers exchanged, but contacts, or should I say the ability to contact each other in the future, was transferred. I NEED to get better at this stage. Asking a person for their number is seriously no big deal. The risk to return is negligible. The risk is they say no and you never talk to them again, which, whatever. You probably just read the vibe check wrong earlier or they just don’t care enough, which is all good! But the return is you just earned social currency. You’ve earned a friend willing to speak with you again in the future. That’s not something to undervalue. You have no idea how fruitful that relationship can become in the future, it may even unlock additional friendships or even better additional experiences! Seriously, trading contacts is a big win-won scenario. Similar to trading names, there are a couple ways to facilitate this. You offer your number or you request theirs. Getting their number is probably the better power move but realistically it should be a transaction. So ensure that both parties have access to future communications if they desire it.
Finally, when all formalities are out of the way, you are left with one final step that could vary greatly in duration and intensity. Enjoying one another’s company is a beautiful reward for working through the prior steps. Granted, ideally you’ve already been enjoying the company, but this is when the true fruits of the labor come to harvest. Sharing memories, sharing food or drink, sharing knowledge, sharing fun, are all one thing, sharing love. Soak up all of it. Love is a drug best taken regularly. Prescribed by people, distributed and dispensed by people, and universally appreciated by people. No other feeling in the world is better.
Something that I noticed many times over throughout the week was just how much people value the relationships they have. At first it felt like people were so proud of their friendships, like they earned them and thus were inherently valuable. It felt that friendships were a type of social currency, and if you had many friends you were rich, with less friends you were poor. I still haven’t completely understood this phenomenon, but it makes sense now why people are so devastated when they lose their friendships. Strange but understandable.
As I went about executing on the steps when meeting the dozen or so people this week, there were times where I faltered. Whether I failed to get someone’s contact info, or didn’t get past the first step. These instances are not failures, they are learning opportunities. Which each new person I meet, I learn better and better how to engage and connect with them. Not every interaction needs to get all the way to step 5, and not every interaction needs to go through each of the steps for it to be successful. At the end of the day, what matters most is that you were doing what humans do, being a social creature.
Now it’s important to give yourself some allowance to not always make every interaction so detailed. When your social battery is depleted, sometimes just a simple head nod acknowledgement is all you can muster. That is okay. Don’t force the conversation if it’s not on. Figure out what the signs of social battery depletion are. For me, it feels like an ick. Some gross feeling where I just can’t stand to hear anybody’s voice, or look at anybody’s face, or touch anybody. It sounds dumb, but I know my battery is out when I just straight up don’t want to be there. I’ll be tired, cranky, annoyed and distant. Forgiving yourself for not being able to engage so deeply from that point forward will get easier over time. The most important thing to remember is to honor your feelings. Recharging the battery is also an important task to master. For me that means explicit solitude and the complete removal of yourself from any social engagement.
I am introverted, I’m not sure If I was always like that, but I know that now. I used to think I was an anti-social extrovert, but now I know I am a social introvert. Capable of engaging others, but at a high energy cost. People love to be around me, and I love to be around people, but the right people in the right circumstances with the right amount of energy reserves to handle it.
Back at it again with another Record and Review. Some new things I’ve noticed is posture and how often I clap lol. Like, wtf am I clapping for haha.
I will see about those in the future. Still working on filler words and the runon sentences randomly joined with ands or buts.
Recently I’ve been playing with the idea of doing more speaking forward posts. Instead of writing something then reading it out, I would just speak from the heart and see what I could get out. Like a podcast or stream of consciousness type of thing. Let’s see where it goes, might be a fun way for me to work on my speaking and idea processing simultaneously.
First go: People are Gross
Was focusing on filler words and the excessive use of segue words. Think I’ve done fairly well, very few uses in recent memory. Let’s do one more week to really solidify.
Not often do I get tripped up by specific words. ‘Friend’ happens to be one of those. I mean, what is a friend anyway? What’s the point? Someone to commiserate with whist navigating the oceans of life? A helping hand to lend a compass or map when you lose your way? A person to guide the path in the darkness of night and it’s a new moon? Someone to rescue you when the waves get choppy and you capsize?
All these things. An ally, a mentor, a lifeline. Friends serve a great purpose in one’s life. To go without friends is to play life on hard mode. Life’s hard enough, why choose to make it any harder on yourself going it alone?
Arnold once said, “there is no such thing as a self made man”. Each and every one of us has taken advantage of the support of another at some point in our lives. To say you haven’t is a lie. There’s no shame in getting help from another person.
I used to think ‘love’ was a term that is reserved for a significant other. My definition of love was to put another above yourself. That may not be the best definition, I’m sure mirriam webster would have something to say about it. In fact, let’s find out. — They’ve got two definitions that sound pretty fair: “strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties” and “warm attachment, enthusiasm, or devotion”. I don’t know about you, but those both sound like they can be attributed to friends as well as lovers. So then why is saying I love you to a friend feel odd? Or is that just me?
You know what I find kind of funny? After speaking with many friends on the matter, it seems like a lot of people can come and go in your life, but friends are often the people who stick around longest. Friends and Family, right? Too bad I don’t really feel like I have a great amount of either of those. What the fucks the matter with me?
Not sure if it’s toxic masculinity or my autism but I’ve chosen a life of most resistance. I’ve unintentionally distanced myself from family, and more or less refused to build many friendships. Living life on hard mode is getting really fucking old. I’m tired grandpa. Keep digging!
Let’s go get some friends James, but first, it might be a good idea to figure out what sort of people can even be your friend. What traits made a good friend for you? What do you need to do in order to gladly accept the friendship and help it grow?
The criteria for a friend of mine are ‘simple’. Be a good person, be passionate about something important, be curious about learning, and enjoy doing things that I enjoy doing. That’s pretty much it, I think. Shouldn’t be so hard finding those people right? Eh.
Let’s think about how to do it. Perhaps, do things that you enjoy, engage with the people around you, make a connection and begin a dialog? Shit, why does that sound exactly like the plot to dating? For some reason though, it sounds easier than dating. Hmm. Perhaps because I don’t want to fuck my friends, like some people do?
Well if that job description is simple enough, and the recruitment process is straightforward, where are all the new hires? Oh, there’s actually more to it? I need to develop the relationship? How the hell am I supposed to do that? Something something give and take, something something reasonable expectations, something something understanding we all are living our own lives. Am I sociopathic? Is it really all just quid pro quo? Or is there a piece of it I’m missing? Do others expect something from me just as I expect something from them? I can imagine some people expect nothing more than presence, whereas some might be more demanding. I think I prefer those who are less demanding. Can we all just be chill, please?
Also what if I have to fire one of my friends because they aren’t being chill? Jesus does that sounds not fun. How many friends can I even manage? No fucking clue. Guess it depends on how much time they request of me. Balance will be key, huh. I’m a low key dude and I need some low key friends, high key. I’m definitely overthinking this.
One last thought though, how much do I let them know of me? I can be a lot. I don’t what them quitting on me, or firing me. Is it something that just gets sorted out? Like, buddy, it’s your 30day review and you’ve hung out with me once and that’s just not cutting it, sooo… you’re fired. Yeah I think I’m a sociopath forsure. I mean, who the fuck thinks of friendships like this?
Whatever, I’m overcomplicating it, go figure. Probably best to just follow the old Alma Mater motto, learn by doing. I’ll keep these concepts in mind, but there really is no better way to figure shit out then by trying and failing many times over huh?
Lastly, who the fuck would want to be my friend anyway? Presumably someone just as fucked up as me. They exist… probably. Just gotta go find them. Should I make flyers? Help Wanted: A Friend for James
Was a bit late on this week’s iteration of Record and Review. The days are getting longer and I’ve found myself staying out late driving the sunset road when I should probably be settling in for the night. I’ll get it sorted. Anyway, for this week we were still working on filler words. I have noticed a slight improvement, but still catch myself saying, “you know”, “like”, “um”, and “but um” enough for me to feel the need to continue addressing them. One thing I’ve also started noticing is that I will segue from one sentence or topic to another really fast. Like, without a space between my sentences. Either that, or I’ll splice them together with an “and” where totally unnecessary. So for the upcoming week I’d like to watch out for those as well.
I also subconsciously have been working on eye contact with people and the camera, so let’s add that to the list of needs improvement. Working on it! There are a list of other things I’d like to address in the future, like my swaying, or odd hand motions. But let’s cross that bridge when we get there.
Alrighty, we’re back with another Record and Review. This past week I’ve been focusing on minimizing my filler words, specifically, “you know” and “but, um”. It’s funny because I’ve been so much more cognizant of the instances when I say either of those, and others, it’s been almost annoying. I’m kinda glad I’m getting so annoyed by it, because it gives me more fuel to rid them from my speech. After recording this week’s I still said that a few times, so we are going to run it back this next week and focus on filler word removal once again.
I do also want to recognize that I am doing a fairly decent job with hand motions. But need to also think about my eye contact. This is of course a camera recording me, but I really want to start looking at the camera and pretending it is a person. Over the past week I’ve spoken with a number of strangers and the hardest park was actually looking at them. Talking to them was coming fairly easy, but looking at them, for some reason, is harder. I know why, but we gotta get over that.
Here is Record and Review 2: Procrastinating
P.S. I fricken better get those todos done by next week.
Two thoughts. First, I’ve come to appreciate that some gears in my brain don’t turn the same direction as they do in others’. Something I’ve noticed is that I’ll latch onto certain songs for spans of time then play them non-stop, day after day, until a new song takes it’s place. Every so often, multiple songs will be in rotation. Second, those spans of time are like seasons of my soul. From Winter to Spring, Spring to Summer, Summer to Autumn, and Autumn to Winter. My life will cycle through ups and downs. These songs play a score of those seasons. Right now, its early Spring. It’s raining, but warming up. The Winter we just left was a particularly dark and cold one, but the promise of a bright Summer full of flourishing flowers keeps moving me forward. “I’m not going to let myself down.”
These are the songs of the season, definitely in a most particular order…
Another Star by Stevie Wonder. Winter chill remains. Stevie is a well know lover boy, but this one strays away from his usual ballads and touches on a topic unfortunately dear to me this Spring. “For you, there might be another star. For you, there might be another song. For you, love might be for you to find. But I will celebrate our love of yesterday.”
Runaway by Del Shannon and Runaway by Kanye West. Storms are rolling in, rain and thunder on the horizon. These share a title, and a story, but told from two separate perspectives. The coin is the same, but every time you flip it, the result is heads or tails. “Tears are falling and I feel a pain. I wonder… Why?” “I don’t know how I’ll manage, if one day you just up and leave.” “I think it’s time for us to have a toast.”
Forgive Them Father by Lauryn Hill. As the violins of Runaway’s outro play, storms violently ravage the soul. Forgive Them Father is the storm breaking, grounds flooded, trees snapped by lightening strike. Air warmed by the first sign of sunlight. Spring follows Winter, destruction begets growth. “And you never suppose it’s those who are closest to you.” “Everyday people, they lie to God too. So, what makes you think, that they won’t lie to you?”
Walkin by Denzel Curry. As the sun continues to warm the ground, shades of green show the first sign of new life. Growth is no longer a hope on the horizon, it’s here. So long as time moves on, as it always will, the flowers of Spring will sprout anew. “Walking with my back to the sun, keep my head to the sky” “I’m killing off my demons because my soul’s worth redeeming.” “Went through a lot of shit in the last year, then I said fuck it, I’m going to handle my business” “I just got to stay focused, I just got to keep walking.”
Take a moment right now to stop what you are doing and look around. Notice anything special? It might be a person or pet that you love, it may be the leaves on the trees or the flowers in the meadow. Listen in too, what do you hear? Can you hear the sound of cars? Perhaps an airplane passing overhead? Is the neighbor out mowing their lawn again for the second time this week? What about touch? Are you holding onto something? Is it smooth or coarse? Warm or cold? What’s it made out of, plastic, metal, flesh? Have you got something to eat or drink? Have some. What does it taste like? Is it pleasant, sweet, perhaps savory? Or does it kick with sour or bitterness? Did you smell it as you brought it to your mouth? Was it agreeable to your senses? Was there balance, or did a particular sense overwhelm the others? Which did you like most, which was most powerful, most compelling?
One of my favorite ice breaker questions is what sense do you find most compelling? Often, people will ask, which is your favorite, or which could you live without. Those are good too. But specifically I want to know which do you find moves you the most inside? Which triggers the strongest reaction. Either good or bad, which sense will make you cry, or smile, most often. Tell me, do you even pay attention until that stimulus registers?
We spend most of our lives not acknowledging how these things make us feel. We live with constant stimuli arousing and assaulting our senses that so often, we pay them no mind. How unfortunate. They are so special, they deserve more recognition. There was a poster outside of my high school phycology classroom that read “Pay attention to the details”. I never really understood exactly what that meant, not until I was older. My girlfriend in university would always tell me, “stop and smell the flowers”. I love flowers, they’re soft, vibrant, aromatic. Yet, do I stop for each flower I see along the way? No. Why not? Am I too busy, in a hurry for what? Life’s too short to stop and smell all the flowers. But is it? You really don’t even know how short it is until it’s nearly gone anyway. I think, and hear me out on this, I think it’s the opposite. Life is too long not to smell the flowers. Too long not to feel the breeze. I choose to cherish every moment my bare feet step in the sand along the oceanside. Appreciate each and every chirp coming from the birds resting in the tree that shades me temporarily from the suns’ deadly rays. Because life is too long not to pay attention to the details.
We waste so much of our time here on earth doing worthless shit. The complicated nature of humanity has taken away so much of the beauty of life. The system we’ve built will distract you from the truth. The truth that all that is truly real is what you feel. What your senses tell you. What your emotions are signaling to you. That which is so often ignored by adults in our society. How does it make you feel? Do you even know what you feel? I noticed I had that problem a year or two back. I would become emotional and not have a clue what emotion, or really even why. They don’t really teach that shit in school, so how was I supposed to learn? Silly James, Trix are for kids, and most of your learning takes place outside the walls of an institution. I had a teacher recently help me get closer to the truth. Get closer to my feelings. Understand them, appreciate them. Live with them. Not to hide them or hide from them, but to feel them.
I built a catalog of these emotions, a diagram that I could lean on to help me map them out. It was something I created, so in a way, it’s my version of Inside Out. It contains all the emotions I know within me as drawers in a dresser. Sometimes when I’m feeling emotional, I open up this drawing and pull out one of those drawers and allow myself to feel that emotion. I will embrace it for a moment, allow it to flush through my system. Then, when I feel like I’ve had enough, I’ll close it. This has allowed me to know what I am feeling, to become more familiar with my body’s response to each emotion.
Are you ever uncomfortable? So emotional that you can’t function. That’s not something to be upset about, be fearful of, or pin as wrong in any way. In fact, that’s good. It means you’re still alive. The problem is when you don’t know why you are feeling that way. The emotion isn’t the issue, its the fact that you don’t know what the emotion is, or why you’re feeling it. Take it as a lesson from me, if you may, to build out your catalog. There’s been research and great study into the diverse range of emotions that we humans feel, start there. And learn what signs point in which direction for you when a particular feeling intensifies. Only then should you worry about what to do about them.
As far as what to do about them goes, start by believing they’re real. That they deserve your time. That other people experience them as well, and that it is what connects us all as a people. If you don’t like that you are uncomfortable, seek comfort. If you don’t know what what comforts you, figure it out. The next time you feel comfortable, take note. Everybody finds different stimuli appealing, so don’t just listen to what others say helps them, find your own balance. For me, it’s silence, a cool breeze, the sound of my own footsteps beneath me, and a beautiful view. See you on the mountaintop.
Recently, I’ve been thinking about how I communicate. Am I an effective communicator? One thing I’ve noticed is that when I speak, others listen. That is something I’ve notice for a while, but never taken great advantage of. Something tells me that I have a talent that I’ve not fully embraced. An untrained muscle that has perhaps atrophied. Or even worse, been trained incorrectly. Today, and with this post, I start the process of training that muscle better. More consciously addressing my inefficiencies and opportunities to improve. A few days back I listened to a podcast with a vocal coach recommending that if others wanted to improve their speech patterns they should record and review themselves to identify those antipatterns. Here is my first edition of what will become a weekly video log of myself discussing small topics of importance to me. It will count not only as a post on my psyche, but I will be using it to analyze and conquer some of the vocal patterns I wish to grow out of, and even a few to grow in to. (Think filler words removal, introduction of pausing, voice inflection, volume modification, hand gestures, that tight type of ish). I will document what I focused on improving in each weekly post, you can tell me how I’ve done.
In this video I discuss a song that was recommended to me.
And of course, here is the link to my first Record and Review
Also, here’s my rendition of Being Alive if you want to bleed out of your ears. Caution, bad, terribly bad, singing. I do not intend on getting better at that, just thought fuck it, why not post this too.
Living is hard, I think we all know that. But do you want to know what’s harder? Living with the knowledge that everybody else is living, and that they are having it just as hard. When I was a young boy in the late years of elementary school I found myself reading the newspaper, eating my cheerios or eggs in the morning. First off, what the hell was a 12 year old doing reading the newspaper, second off, newspaper? Do we all still remember what that is? Anyway, would you like to know what section I was reading? It wasn’t the Classifieds or the Periodicals, it was the World News section. I’d sit there pondering the impacts of the Iraq War or the implications of the appending global financial crisis. Let me remind you, I was a pre-teen concerning himself with the lives of others in a way I don’t imagine many adults even do. Why? Did I really care about those peoples’ lives? To be honest, I’m not quite sure. What I do know is that the world was opening up to everybody with the appending proliferation of social media and internet-ification of everything. And I was paying attention, listening, reading, trying to understand what was about to happen, or was already happening, to people all over the world. I’m not sure it was a good idea. What I learned wasn’t to my enjoyment. I learned very quickly that the world is a tremendously complicated and challenging arena. All over, people are hustling and many-a-time, struggling for their lives. It hurt me to learn this, it hurt to read. When I got access to the internet only a few years later, my eyes were opened even wider to the truth. People can be cruel, the society we live in is ruthless. Those Disney movies were fucking lying to me. I didn’t know it then, but I started building coping mechanisms to counter the internalization of others’ pain. One way in which this happened was the selectiveness for which I touched others. Physical contact made it real. The closer I got to people the more I realized their pain, I felt it. So my best course of action was to stay distant.
Do you know what an NPC is? If you don’t, good for you, you must not have spent your life engrossed in video games like I have. It stands for Non-Player Character and it is a term given to the programmed characters you interact with in whilst you work your way through the in game missions. They give you quests, they accompany you on the story line, and often times, they exist in the game solely to interact with you. I feel like I’ve spent a good chunk of my life pretending that I’m the main character in a video game, and everybody else is an NPC. It’s a meme you’ll see on reddit or other semi-deplorable internet forums that people walking down the street, minding their own business, are “NPCs”. It gives “I’m the main character” kind of vibes. For most people I think they do this subconsciously, live their lives with little consideration for others. I think I’ve done this consciously. I have a hard time looking at people. I have a hard time talking to people. I have an incredibly hard time having physical contact with people. This all comes down to the simple fact that the closer I get, the more I realize that they are real. I can’t handle that fact. Not because I’ve got some weird complex, but because it’s overwhelming. The weight of realization of an individual’s balance along the tightrope of life gives me unbearable anxiety. I can realistically only handle being close with a couple of people in my life. I’m not sure if that makes me selfish or shallow, but I know it makes me sad. I wish I could connect more with people without this anxiety crippling me so.
I see people all around me making friends and being jolly with each other and I can’t relate. I prefer to be alone, unbothered, unconcerned. I honestly don’t understand how people can maintain so many friendships without bearing a burden of the uncomfortable realization that the other person is real. The depth of a human being is deep. I don’t like swimming in water I can’t see or touch the bottom of. I’m the same way with people, and I can only hold my breath for so long. How can I overcome this trained avoidance? What steps do I take to rethink and reprogram the way that I am. To feel more comfortable accepting the burden of others company? I’m not sure just yet. I’ve started looking at people in the face when I walk by them on the trail. I’ve begun having conversations with strangers in the park to give me exposure therapy. I’ve gone so far as to find places that people go to, and be present in those places, so that I can have the opportunity to interact with another human. I know this may sound totally strange to any normal person, but I’m certainly not one of those. To me, this is a challenge I give myself. To face my fear of interaction. I want to help people, but I don’t want to feel their pain? That’s not fair. And I know life is not all pain and suffering, I’m working on seeing the good and the bad. But I can’t look past the bad yet, I’ve got to look it right in the eye. I need to stop being afraid. Life is worth living, unafraid. Perhaps the perspective that I should take is that these people can help me carry the burden… Together, we all live, suffer, thrive…
I’ve started a new hobby, reading. I know a couple of people who would be shouting immediately how impossible that must be, due to the fact that I don’t know how to read. Jokes on them, I read at a 7th grade level just fine thank you very much. Since the new year I made a sort of resolution to read cover to cover any book that gets recommended to me. We shall see how that works out. So far it’s been an absolute blast. I’ve read three books in the past three months and they have been fantastic. Let me tell you a bit about each of them!
First, Snow Crash. My colleague handed me a book just before I was going away for Christmas holiday and told me, “read this, it’s apparently where Zuck got the idea for the metaverse”. I could see what he meant. It was a cool, futuristic sci-fi book grounded in some reality. It took place in my home state, but in a future I partially hope doesn’t become a reality. I liked a few things about the book, it had great character reveals and backstories. The details imbued into the environment were incredibly descript, and bleak might I add. Some of the technologies described in the book are already well on their way to fruition, others, I can’t wait to become reality some day (such as the super high-tech skateboards). It was a fun, light-hearted read that got my reading gears turning again. While I was reading in the airport, an older gentleman came up to me asking for my take on the book. He hadn’t heard of it before, but was marveling at the fact that someone from my generation was reading a physical book. I suppose he couldn’t help himself but to connect with another reader 30 years his junior. There is one part in the book I didn’t thoroughly enjoy, similar to that one part in Pulp Fiction, the unneeded part. I mean, what is up with this newfound craze around smut, I don’t get it. I’ll just leave it at that.
Second, Anxious People. Another work colleague recommended me this book. I had just gotten done telling them of my recent divorce and they excitedly pitched me this book. I’m still not sure if that was intentional pain infliction or just happenstance. Either way, this book rocked me to the core. I was absolutely not ready for the depth of story provided within this novel. I can’t count on my fingers just how many times I had to put the book down to cry, somewhere near a dozen. This story recapped a bank robbery gone wrong, and how it touched the lives of a group of people. Many things about this book were beautiful, namely the different interwoven stories and personalities of the people. I could resonate with each of the people for different reasons, and that was a fun introspective look into myself. Not sure if I would call this one a happy story or not. It ended with a note about suicide prevention, and that sent me. Let’s just say I had that number already in my “recently dialed”. Loved the book though, absolute right time and right place in my life for it.
Third, Lighter. This book, this book. Helped me a ton. I’m still working on fully understanding the impacts that it has had and will have on me in my current moment. It’s a self help book directed at supporting the reader better understand how to self-love, and take care of themselves and their emotions. TBH it’s a therapy session just reading through it, actually like a month’s worth of therapy sessions. Especially if you take the time to reflect on the teaching throughout. I took many breaks while working through the chapters to internalize the message. Below are a bunch of quotes I took note of, I’ll let them be just on their own. But my hope is that I’ll come back to these quotes in the future whenever I need some direction.
Lighter Quotes:
“I discovered that the appreciation you seek from others will not hold the same rejuvenating power as the appreciation, attention, and kindness you can give yourself.”
“Others understood self-love as putting yourself first at all costs. It makes sense that many would embrace this understanding of self-love because too many of us live our lives for others and fall into cycles of people-pleasing without taking the time to properly take care of ourselves.”
“The best way to be prepared for the long journey is to move through the ups and downs with self-acceptance.”
“Healing begins with the willingness to become an explorer, to enter the vast inner forest that exists within your being, using your awareness as the light that shows you the way.”
“When you are able to see yourself clearly, you awaken your true inner power.”
“The ability to see yourself as you move through the ups and downs of life, without running away or suppressing your feelings, enhances your understanding of yourself.”
“Finding the balance where you can be honest about what you are feeling and not allow a temporary emotion to take total control of your actions can help you better handle the unexpected changes of life.”
“Life is never that simple. The missing piece of that puzzle is that life will continue to be difficult and you will block yourself from enjoying good things if you never deal with the heaviness of your mind and the fear that clutters your heart.”
“Healing will not only improve your life, but it will open the door for good things to come to you because the quality of your mind determines the quality of your life.”
“Leaving things to the whim of hope or simply waiting for things to come to you is a passive approach to life that does not yield great results. A big part of healing yourself effectively is taking responsibility for your patterns. Even though the trauma or hurt you went through, which fueled these patterns, was not your fault—especially if you were a child when it happened—the healing of these patterns can only be done by you.”
“Our ego likes to place blame outside ourselves, and often that blame falls on those closest to us.”
“Holding on is a survival tactic born out of fear and scarcity. Fear is the craving for safety. A mind that is dominated by fear is a mind that is still in survival mode.”
“Reaction creates the fire of a tumultuous mind and then continuously feeds that fire, making it hotter and all-encompassing.”
““If you can sum up in one word what you are learning in this life, what would it be?” It was something I had been thinking about a lot, so the answer came quickly: impermanence.”
“When you fail to embrace change, a great moment actually loses its vibrancy because too quickly the mind starts to feel anxiety about it ending. Similarly, hard moments feel like endless punishment because change has not brought the mind into balance with the understanding that they, too, will eventually end.”
“This is especially true when it comes to the people we love, as that love is often tangled up with attachments. We crave for our loved ones to live their lives in certain ways and make decisions that align with how we would decide things for ourselves. The love we have for dear ones is often tarnished by an inner push to control them, even when we know that real love is supporting their freedom.”
“There is nothing passive or cold about letting go—it actually helps you live a much more active life, except that now you are living in alignment with the truth of impermanence. Yes, there are things and people you love, but they are always changing. They will be with you for some time, and eventually they, too, will be gone, just like everything else.”
“If you are seeking to reclaim your power, one of the essential steps is realizing how much of your power you have given up to the hurt of the past and your fears of the future.”
“If you want to attain something great, you need to be ready for the long journey and able to adjust your strategy along the way.”
“Everyone has the innate capacity to enter into a transformative process to free themselves of behavior that harms others and stop the patterns that do not serve their personal well-being.”
“If you continuously reject what you feel, the emotions you ignore will actually harden in your mind and make the turbulent feelings you are trying to avoid more prominent.”
“The greatest gift partners can give each other is a continuous commitment to their own personal healing.”
“Heartbreak and endings always point to how valuable self-love really is. When self-love is missing from within us, it will negatively affect our connections. If we empower the love that already exists within us, it can flourish and make us feel much more whole than partnership ever can. True wholeness comes from within us.”
“When we build a home within ourselves, furnished with emotional maturity and constructed on a foundation of self-awareness, we are actually setting ourselves up for future success whenever we decide to open our heart again to another person.”
“Even if you try to forget those struggles, what goes unprocessed will reveal itself in your actions, words, and thoughts. If you let your past rule you, it will be difficult to love others well in the present.”
“To reach deeper levels of love and unity, you have to take the path of honesty with yourself and those around you. If you really want to be with someone, it means there is no more space for running or lying. A synonym for love is truth.”
“When you feel a lot of agitation, you need to be aware that your mind will look for objects (people, ideas, or situations) to focus on so that it can further increase the agitation. Tension needs fuel to burn, and that fuel is normally the attachments that keep the mind from fully accepting the present moment as it is.”
“If you want to live in a way that supports your freedom, you have no other option but to let go.”
“Let go of who you thought you were and embrace the river of change flowing through every moving part that creates the perception of you: Only then will wisdom introduce you to freedom.”
“Good people who uphold great values and want to see positive change in the world are often thwarted by their own unhealed pain and reactive patterns.”
“Even if you think about it in terms of social movements and revolutions, once the oppressed acquire power, they often take revenge on those who once oppressed them in the name of justice. Justice is too easily confused with revenge. Harming those who have once harmed you generates a cycle of violence and simply creates more resentful people who may seek revenge on you at a future time.”
“There is nothing wrong with making it your mission to help others, but do not use it to escape whatever is happening inside of you.”
For the past couple of weeks I’ve been working to better understand myself, specifically around my conceptualization of what a person is worth. When I was very young, one of my first profound thoughts was, “What is anything worth?”, “How can water be free from a faucet, yet alcohol $100 a bottle?” Of course, back then I had no idea just how tantalizing a great scotch is, nor did I fully appreciate the societal need to get blasted on the reg to cover up pain and internal struggle. Anyway… recently I’ve been revisiting this idea, but honing it specifically on what is a human’s worth. How do we derive value in life? This hasn’t been the first time I’ve dueled with this thought, and I’m sure it won’t be the last. It changes so often over our lives that no single answer is correct, no point in time assessment gives justice to the question.
What my problem is now, is that I’m wrong about what I believe is the answer. Okay, I might not be wrong per se, but I’m not right, at least not completely. Currently, my brain says to myself, “your value is determined upon the utility you bring to this earth”. Essentially, how well you serve yourself and others is how valuable you are. My therapist says this is a dangerous way to value a life exclusively… she’s right. After all, who am I aiming to please? My employer? God? Like, what a silly thought that MY value is actually determined from another’s perspective of me, or my contributions.
As an aside, one concept that I’ve unfortunately ingrained into my head is that my failures define who I am. On the flip side, for some reason, my successes don’t. Hmm. I think it’s pretty obvious something is wrong about that, probably a couple of things. First, your successes mean something. Second, your failures and successes are not you. You are not your failures nor are you your successes. They are simply something that occurs. You may have caused them, or maybe not, but either way, they are not your personality. They don’t define your being any more than the job you have at the moment. “You’re not your fucking Khakis”. So what are you? What are you worth? What is your worth?
I’ve spoken to a number of my “people” and we’ve gone back and forth between what they think, what I think, and what could be. I’ve learned through these conversations that my current position is not the entire picture I ought to be looking at. What I thought before about the utility of man is maybe just half the equation. I was stuck in an extrinsic-exclusive mentality. Judging one solely on their output pays no mind to the input, nor the black box of themselves much at all. Shit, I might as well have only been looking at a third of the equation. So what about the inputs and black box then? How do we grade those to get a fuller picture of an individual’s value?
Behind door number 1, the inputs. I read a quote recently from a lovely book (review landing shortly). “People who have experienced deep suffering and are still gentle with others do not get enough credit”. Some people have it so damn easy in life, and they treat people like shit, or output nothing of great utility. Others will endure the most horrendous hardships, be born with debilitating ailments, be disadvantaged beyond comprehension, yet still achieve fantastic outcomes in life. I mean, some of the greatest people in our generation have been disadvantaged with poverty, abuse, or disability, yet still deliver undeniable beauty in art, sport, engineering or business. Doesn’t that stand for something? Shouldn’t that mean something in terms of their value? I’d wager it means their worth is even greater. To start from negative and go to positive? That’s value. It’s not easy to measure, but it could possibly be named: Determination? Will-power? Something like that, I guess. The end to end change one creates in themselves and others cannot be overlooked. What should we call this derivative of a person’s life, the change in value? I’d rather not get all mathematician up in here and give it an exponent, but rather choose a name. Growth?
What about door number 2? The black box, what’s behind door number 2? A BRAND NEW CAR!!! No. It’s actually better. It’s the machine behind the curtain, the motive behind the man. It’s the drive. The love, passion, curiosity, and wholesomeness of the person. Can you tell by talking to somebody for a few minutes whether or not they have a golden soul? Maybe you can tell within a few breaths. You watch someone as they yield right of way on the road to a pedestrian, give up their seat on the tram to the pregnant woman or elderly. Manners maketh man, but I’m not just talking about manners. I’m talking about the pureness of one’s self. Are you a good person? I’d like to think most people would say yes to that question. But how good of a person are you? Have you wronged others before, have you made those wrongs right again? Not easy to define objectively, is it? Even harder then inputs and outputs I reckon. Without a doubt, though, there is a spectrum of good and bad people. I don’t really love using the terms good and bad in this context, but simplicity in my heart says those words work just fine. Other words like pure or wholesome just don’t cut it for me right now. TBD on a better word for this spectrum. Intrinsic value may just be it.
Intrinsic value doesn’t require another person’s judgement. It doesn’t rely on what you do or what has happened to you. Each person in this world gets to chose how they are. With actions and words they can show others. But, their internal holiness is untouchable. Immeasurable by most standards. “I’m going to show you how great I am”, Ali said it best. You are great, and it shows, not the other way around. “You get what you get and you don’t throw a fit”, what should I throw instead? Only you decide that. How great are you? How great am I? What’s my value? I’ll throw wisdom, appreciation, love. Because after all is said and done, I choose to be better and to make the world a better place, regardless of what get’s thrown at me.
It’s been one whole year as a homeowner and I couldn’t be happier!
I made a Facebook account when I was 13, I think it was for some school project. Which is strange because the app wasn’t even around for that long at that point, less than 5 years. I made a Twitter when I was 15, and an Instagram at 16. Snapchat at 17. Now nearing 25, I no longer desire an online presence in that way.
Back then I cared a lot more about what people thought of me. I was young, naive, and wishing to fit in. These apps offered a way to socialize from afar, I wouldn’t need to talk with people or hang out with anyone. My ‘friends’ knew I was cool or funny because I would post a cool or funny post every once in a while. I’ve since changed a lot.
In the past three years I posted on average 2 photos a year, on Instagram which was my favorite of all of them, as I do really enjoy photography. All other applications have laid completely dormant for the duration and more. I simply don’t use them to post, and when I do, I get no satisfaction from others seeing it.
Furthermore, I found myself mindlessly scrolling on each of the apps. Whenever I was bored or taking a shit I would open Insta, look at all the new stuff, open Facebook and do the same, and so on down the line. I found myself numbing my ass on occasion because I had gotten sucked into some endless, pointless scrolling. I don’t want a numb ass, and I certainly don’t want a numb brain. Social media was numbing my brain.
So I deleted it all, actually deleted, no deactivation, straight deletion. And you know what, I could tell the difference immediately. I cried with a sense of relief. I had so simply removed such a negative dependence in my life. By removing myself from this negative externality, I gained back a part of me.
It took a little convincing, I won’t lie. I dwelled on this thought for months. My main objections were three fold:
It took a while for me to reject these pushback points as frivolous fears. But with careful examination, I was able to overcome them with logic and understanding.
First, I don’t really care about all my ‘friends’ on social media. I really don’t. I would use Facebook’s automated birthday notifications to delete people year round, so obviously I don’t really care about all of them. There are a few people I will miss seeing content from, but if I’m being frank, I probably won’t notice. As far as people trying to get into contact with me or vice versa, it’s not like I’ll forget their name, and the internet isn’t going anywhere, so I’m sure they’ll find me or I’ll find them.
Second, I do enjoy sharing. I don’t care if people see it, I mostly enjoy documenting my life as I go through it. Like an internet diary, a blog. Hey what do you know, I have a blog. A neglected blog, granted, but a blog none the less. With social media gone, I do expect to increase my utility of this app. It’s more personalized, and I get to share everything in one place; photos, videos, ideas. And look, a post in 2020 already, not bad! speaking of 2020, jesus fucking christ
Third, and probably the hardest to let go, @jamescaud has now been retired on all platforms except LinkedIn. I didn’t really count that as social media, but hopefully someday i can get rid of that too. This was really hard for me, jamescaud is my brand. And giving up something you have fought hard to solidify is not easy. But at the end of the day, I am jamescaud, these accounts aren’t me, they just describe. Myself and my brand live on through this website and through me. So if someone else comes along and wants to be jamescaud on facebook, I’ll have to tell them they weren’t the first to think of that cool name haha.
So they are gone now. I’ll see you out there in the world. If you ever think of me, just know I’m doing alright, and that I’m happier now.
Okay, I know, I’m a piece of shit. I legit didn’t post anything all year long. Hell, the last thing I put up here was mid 2018, so it’s been way longer than just a year. I want to give you an update on where I’m at, and let myself indulge in a bit of self-love through this Note To Self.
First and foremost, the biggest thing that happened in my life since last posting is my big move.
I realized only 10 months into my job in San Francisco that there was no future for me there. As much as I loved the city, it was completely unaffordable. Not to mention so many of my hobbies were so difficult to exercise, like hiking and backpacking. I started getting sick of all the concrete.
My company has its main office in Pittsburgh, and when I heard from my boss that ATG would keep my salary the same if I moved, I couldn’t leave town quick enough. I left my apartment, packed my truck to the brim with all the shit I owned, and drove. 2 days and nearly 3,000 miles later, I arrive in PGH, Julia in tow.
With no place lined up, I stayed in an AirBNB for a week to get my bearings, and started looking for an apartment. A fellow SF coworker was thinking of making the move as well, and we decided to try and find a place for us both to share. Going from a nearly $2,000 ~300 square foot apartment in the Tenderloin to a $500 ~1,000 square foot row home 5mins from work; this already was looking like a great idea. I had a roommate, which wasn’t exactly what I wanted, but we maintained civility up until the last month. I could not have been more fortunate to find such a polite and respectful roommate in Oliver, and I’m thoroughly grateful for his cooperation with my often not-so-stable self.
Julia helped me move in, set up my life in a new place, and begin a new journey. Little did I know at the time, but our journey together was near its end. What a tremendous rollercoaster of a relationship. We were not right for each other, and we knew it. We fought, we wept, we even tried breaking up, just to fall back in love after a week long vacation we had planned together. She offered me so much love and affection, and I soaked it right up. I loved her more than I loved myself. Therein lies the crux. I had fallen into the same mistake as before. I never learned that you can’t have a healthy relationship if you don’t first love yourself.
I neglected time, neglected myself, and the relationship deteriorated into only hardship, so we split. The breakup still weighs a bit heavy on my mind. I really couldn’t believe I had made the same exact mistake as I had with Michele. Only this time was going to be different. I had to learn to love myself, and that had to start with my body.
I had been eying an abandoned bike in my company’s bike shed for many months preceding the split. The day after, I decided to steal it. I told myself that if anyone came asking, I would glady hand it back over. I rode it everyday, tuned it up, and a few weeks later that someone came asking haha. I returned my stolen good and immediately bought a new, way better bike. I was addicted.
I’d bike 20-30miles a day, honestly fueled by my incendiary self hatred. But it also brought me great joy. I hadn’t rode a bike since I was a young teen, and I must have forgotten how much I loved it. I didn’t stop skating entirely, but I now most definitely favor the pedals to the push.
With a better diet, and the insane miles I was putting in, I ended up losing nearly 30 pounds 190->160. Not to mention how strong I was getting. I rode on streets and bike paths, but by far my favorite rides were on gravel and dirt. I bought bags that strapped to the bike and I soon found myself riding 100s of miles into the wilderness to experience my newfound love: bikepacking.
When I wasn’t out riding in the forests of the northern Appalachian I joined a few group rides in PGH. That’s where I got a bit of a taste of racing, and oh man was I hooked. I signed up for two races, one street then one gravel. Just before the road race I got in a horrific accident where I was destroyed by some jackass motorist. I missed that race, but I healed and was able to ride in the other. Funny story about that race, I also crashed. Instead of breaking myself however, I broke my bike. I got a DNF, and had to get driven to the finish line. What I found when I got there were all the top riders who had already finished. As I bandaged myself I marveled at their strength and vowed that I would finish next year. Someday I will be in contention, but in the meantime, I keep riding.
As my rental lease was nearing completion, 2 months remained, Oliver and I had a falling out, and I knew it was time for me to move on. I’d been saving up to purchase a home, but wasn’t exactly expecting to be in the predicament I found myself in. I only had a little over a month and a half to find a realtor, tour properties, find a place, put down an offer, than go through the motions of purchase. It was no easy feat, but I knew what I wanted. After touring about 5 houses I found the right place. The perfect size for me, beautifully remodeled, large yard for a garden, fantastic neighborhood, great views, garage for working on my bike, driveway and plenty of parking for my truck, adjacency to the Three Rivers bike trail that takes me to work in 20min, and so many other fantastic pros.
The purchase was a tad stressful, but I’m happy I got the place for so cheap (coupled with a ridiculously low interest rate on my mortgage). I should have it completely paid off in about 6 years! It’s surreal honestly. I’ve found so much enjoyment in fixing up the property, whether it is fixing a wall leak in my shower, converting electrical outlets and panel work, repointing my brick facade, clearing out my jungle of a back yard, or general handy work around the house. I love home ownership, I have the power to do just about whatever the hell I want. Without a doubt, I can see myself living here for a decade. The only thing stopping me is the potential wife and kids down the road. But now that I have worked on this house, and learned so much about what it takes to make a home, I can see myself picking up a few more properties and renting them out. We will see, I kinda also want to build a cabin in the woods. Matter of fact, that sounds way more fun, we’ll see.
Welp, that’s just about everything I wanna share for now. I have a bunch of biking/house vids that I will upload at some point. Hopefully 2020 will be a year of more posting. Until then, I love you James, keep up the great work. Proud of you.
Homelessness is not a choice. There may be a small amount of people who experience homelessness and enjoy it, but the overwhelming majority are suffering. After university I lived out of my truck as I wandered the nation, it was part necessity, part desire — a desire to see and understand the people of my nation, how they live, what they do, and how they think. While out, I experienced some of the common difficulties faced while homeless. Talking to homeless people in parks, libraries or on the streets of San Francisco has opened my eyes to one of the biggest social atrocities affecting our nation: the fundamental lack of a holistic support system for our poorest and most vulnerable citizens.
I’ve been putting off writing this post for so long because of the way it makes me feel. Homelessness is one of the most heart-wrenching, unethical side-effects of wealth inequality. Every time I read more about it, or talk to somebody on the street, I feel a heavy societal guilt. Someday I will do a formal rant on the centuries-old failures of greed and capitalism, but first I need to pay my respects to our neglected communities.
There are two lines of questioning that get asked when I tell people I’m researching homelessness. The first, always asked by non-homeless, starts, “How did they get there?” The second, always asked by homeless people yet rarely by housed, sounds like, “How do we fix it?” I’ll go ahead and answer both in this post. But for future reference, one of those questions is far more important.
Homelessness is best defined as the state of an individual without permanent housing who may live on the streets; stay in a shelter, mission, single room occupancy facilities, abandoned building or vehicle; or in any other unstable or non-permanent situation. [Section 330 of the Public Health Service Act (42 U.S.C., 254b)]
Gentrification is a small cause of homelessness I want to touch on because I am unwillingly an accomplice to it in San Francisco. I won’t harp on it too much in this post, but know that it’s a whole ‘nother beast in itself. Here’s the definition: “the process of renewal and rebuilding accompanying the influx of middle-class or affluent people into deteriorating areas that often displaces poorer residents.” [Merriam-Webster]
Chronic
Transitional
Episodic
Getting an understanding of the size of this community is difficult because point-in-time counts really don’t capture all stages of homelessness. Individuals hiding away in sub-optimal living spaces like cars can easily be missed. The department of Housing and Urban Development releases a point-in-time count each year for most urban municipalities by walking the streets and accessing shelter numbers. This year was the first year since the housing crash that homelessness rose. The report said 554,000 people were without permanent or adequate residence on a night in January 2017.
However, this count does not show the entire picture. In order to get a more appropriate number, some estimates must be made. From my research I’ve found most sources referencing a number from 1.7 million to 3.5 million. This is the total number of people who experience any stage of homelessness at some time throughout the year. That’s 1% of our entire population. Even though 1% sounds like a small number, I urge you once again to realize the insurmountable suffering endured by these 3,500,000 American human beings. Then, realize that you will probably never understand their immense pain. Then remember that I’m only talking about Americans. Homelessness is not a uniquely American phenomenon.
Overall, the United States ranks fine compared to other civilized nations, but that is for two reasons. First, many other European nations are accepting hundreds of thousands of Syrian refugees that have nowhere else to go because they own nothing. Second, the number we report is bogus. Regardless of the numbers, it’s obvious that we are experiencing a homelessness crisis in America. The main cause for this crisis is due to the way we have historically approached the issue: through a failed plan called homelessness management — more on this later.
To get a picture of the different types of people experiencing homelessness, I’m going to run through the percentages.
Homelessness disproportionately affects men. Overall, sheltered and unsheltered, men account for 61% of the homeless population. Women account for 29% and less than 1% identify as LGBTQ+. The total unsheltered ratio is even more skewed with 71% being male.
The gender ratio has always been heavier on the male side, but the ratio that has changed recently is the number of young people on the street. In the most recent point-in-time survey it was found out that 33% of homeless people are experiencing homelessness as a family. Young people account for approximately 30% of the homeless population, with 20% aged 0-18 and 10% aged 18-24. These statistics have never been this bad in all of American history; not even the Great Depression matches this unprecedented amount of homeless youth.
More saddening statistics are that 9-13% of the total homeless population are veterans, which has increased in the last few years. Around 25% of homeless are affected by at least one severe mental illness. 38% are dependent on alcohol and 26% addicted to at least one hard drug.
Finally, where are the largest populations of homeless located? Overall, two states stand out the most. California with 26% of the total homeless population and New York with 16%. But there are three main urban localities that account for those numbers: New York City, Los Angeles, and the San Francisco Bay Area.
This video does an incredible job in quickly highlighting the common ways individuals find themselves entrenched in homelessness. There are many avenues, but the most common are poverty and lack of affordable housing.
In 2016, nearly 13% of Americans lived below the poverty line. Growing income inequality and debt have made life difficult for many Americans. It’s no surprise that anybody can fall into homelessness when 62% of Americans have less than $1,000 in their savings account. For those people, living paycheck to paycheck is an unfortunate fact of life. And when you are in that circumstance, costly emergencies, the loss of a job, or the loss of a spouse could spell disaster. Even though unemployment is at its lowest in 18 years at only 3.9%, the quality of life hasn’t really changed. Jobs simply aren’t paying enough. Graduates are finding themselves marginalized and underemployed at a staggering rate. It’s not just young people either, in upwards of 46% of seniors are dependent on social security to pay 90% of their expenses. Anyone is susceptible to homelessness, it just takes one crisis to lose all of your money and hope. Hell, getting a parking ticket, or your car towed can mean you miss your next month’s rent, putting you in danger of eviction.
In places like San Francisco and New York City, the two most expensive cities to live in America, affordable and available housing is obviously in short supply. But since the housing crash in 2007, it’s been more than just the urban areas that have been feeling the effect. Renters are at an all time high, and over 25% of households are paying over 50% of their income to housing. The Department of Housing and Urban Development states: families with only one full-time worker making minimum wage can’t afford rent for a two-bedroom market-priced apartment anywhere in the country. Ever since the Reagan administration and the defunding of the Housing and Urban Development department, subsidized contracts to construct and maintain public housing have nearly vanished. And there is no sign of this changing soon.
This is where gentrification comes into play. Large urban areas like the San Francisco Bay Area are booming with highly lucrative industries, mostly due to consistent advancements in technology. These industries attract highly skilled workers from all over the world, and they expect to be paid well for their qualifications. Wealthy landowners and real estate corporations will recognize this influx of highly paid workers and move to revitalize their properties and eventually raise rents. This process forces out long standing residents who may already be living in poverty and cannot afford to pay the new rates. I live in a studio apartment in arguably the roughest district in the city, and the rent is $1,850 a month. You can’t find a place for any less than $1,700 if you tried. Families whose income is less than $60,000 a year (which is the national median) would be paying half of their income just to have a place to stay. This growth is unsustainable, and we are heading towards an inflation disaster. There is no reason for all these companies to be in the same 100 mile radius, and soon I expect to see a max exodus.
Other factors play a key role in the rise of the homelessness epidemic. Deinstitutionalisation in the late 20th century, an abundance of foster care children with poor, inadequate or lacking families, a criminal justice system which incarcerates and releases with no continued support, the proliferation of cheap and highly addictive street drugs like crack cocaine and meth, veterans returning home from war without adequate support, and the rising costs of health care all contribute to this intractable problem.
One of the most frustrating things I hear when talking to housed individuals is, “Why can’t they just get off their ass and get a job?” As if they know anything about the difficulties these people face. How is someone expected to get a job when they don’t have access to a shower, clean clothes or any modern amenities? Homeless people are more worried about getting robbed, beaten or murdered than the format of their resume. They have to think about whether or not this alcove in a rat infested alleyway is going to provide enough shelter from the elements, not to mention getting something to eat that day, or finding a place to drink clean water and use the restroom.
You can’t even easily qualify for state/federal aid if you don’t have an address to receive it at. The “system” we have in place to support homeless individuals is broken, and actually perpetuates the problem.
Homelessness management is a methodology for housing these vulnerable neighbors that enlists temporary shelter housing, coupled with publicly funded hospitals and prisons to get these people off the streets and out of danger every night. And it’s costing the American taxpayer a fortune. Not only that, but it’s not working. Billions of dollars have been spent thanks to the McKinney-Vento grants to aid these support centers, but the numbers haven’t changed. Why? Because there isn’t motivation to create a holistic support system that takes into account all the difficulties faced by these people. We bucket funding into nodes in the network, but nobody seems to realize that in order to make change they need to work together.
A blog post similar to this one by Sam Davis of UC Berkeley highlights this flawed methodology and known working alternatives. The one thing that absolutely improves the quality of life for these individuals is a notion called ‘housing first’. The idea is: in order for progress to be made in a homeless person’s life, their main struggles need to be provided for. As I mentioned earlier, homeless people are not worried about going to the doctor or getting sober. Their primary concern on a day-to-day basis is where can they get food, water, shelter and safety. Their lives are exclusively survival-based. And until they have a reliable source for the necessities of life, they can’t get any better.
Instead of spending loads of money on contracted services that have no communication with one another, and only dedicate small portions of funding to the actual housing of these people, we should fund and develop supportive housing. Supportive housing is the development of subsidized permanent residences where individuals can not only live, but have easy access to the help they need. Within the residence there would be a point of contact who would be similar to a resident adviser on college dorms. This person or group would work with the residents and make sure they are seeking the right help and following up on their plan to well-being. The housing would connect people with the proper health services, mental health services, drug counselling, job training, and anything else these people might need.
This approach is designed to cater to the individual experiencing homelessness, and their progress could be tracked and managed by the support group at the housing facility. One note that Sam brings up in his post is that we don’t want these to feel institutional. Many of these individuals suffering don’t want to feel homogenized and labeled. Even more so, they should feel integrated in the greater community. This requires a change in mindset among citizens, something that definitely won’t happen overnight.
Even if the federal government stepped up their game and orchestrated these programs on a grand scale across the nation, there would still be a delay of support. We need not solely focus on the best long-term approach, but also improve our current temporary support network. By building out better shelters, having individuals working to manage the support these people are getting, and continuing a societal campaign to change the mindset of current residents in these neighborhoods, we can provide a structured support system in the meantime. Our current homeless management system is barely a system at all. If we integrated some of the services the people and taxpayers would be benefited greatly. So until affordable housing projects are publicly funded on the federal level again, these band-aid solutions can actually do some good.
Alternative housing ideas such as encampments, shipping crates, and tiny homes should not be ruled out of consideration either. Localities should spend time and resources finding places within their respective borders to provide both long-term and temporary housing improvements. This plan in general can be replicated in all municipalities, but the approach needs to be catered towards the land and space available, environmental considerations, and public approval. This is where all of us come in.
The problem of homelessness isn’t going away any time soon. As we see our economy continue to drive more and more people into dire circumstances, and less and less is done to aid our poorest citizens, it’s obvious this problem isn’t going away. So what can any one person do to affect change? It’s a hard question to answer.
For starters, if you are in a position to donate to some of these organizations working tirelessly to alleviate the difficulties faced by homeless people, please do: National Coalition for the Homeless, National Alliance to End Homelessness, or find a center near you to support. Many of the citations are credited to them, and not only do they help homeless assertive networks, but they all do good work advocating for policy change in government.
Another way to help is by donating your time. Shelters across the nation are in need of temporary and continued volunteer service and would gladly take any help they can get. This is especially important for my next point.
Stop ignoring these people. Each person you see on the street is another human being. The idea that they probably got themselves into this situation and should be left alone to figure out how to get out of it is morally horrific and logistically absurd. We as a society need to to hold ourselves collectively responsible for getting these people the help they deserve. In many developed nations across the world, each citizen is allotted basic human rights such as a shelter, health care, and education. It’s not communism, it’s basic respect for the well-being of our fellow human beings. Our nation is extremely wealthy and we still can’t afford that common respect for humanity. We should be smarter about how we spend our time, money and effort, and that starts with the individual.
When you see a homeless person on the street, whether they are asking for money, shooting up heroin, or just laying down on the sidewalk, give them the common decency of eye contact. Look at them, see their pain, and respect their humanity. If you can only do that, you have no idea the effect it will have on them and yourself. Just don’t look away. If after a while you can muster the strength to have a conversation with some of them, please do. You shouldn’t be afraid of homeless people any more than anyone else. Nobody deserves to feel ignored, alone, and left to rot.
If we can all just do this, we will start to love these people and care for their well-being. We will become upset, not at them, but at the fact that nobody in power is doing anything about it. And our collective outrage at the failure of our current system will drive political change. Then maybe, with considerate legislation and well managed programs, we can end homelessness once and for all.
Things have changed though, many, many things. I’ve moved into an apartment in San Francisco, started work for Uber ATG, and fell in love with Julia. Just to name a few. These changes mark the beginning of a new chapter of my life: phase two of my crazy plan to change the world. It feels good to transition into the next stage of my life, yet I know with change comes challenge. During the transition I have absolutely neglected my blog. I apologize for the lack of posts in the recent months. Adjusting to a new habitat is a long and arduous process for me. Luckily, as I count my third month of moving to San Francisco I have decidedly settled in and staring getting in a routine. There are still a few adjustments I need to make to my day-to-day, like going to the gym consistently, but over all I am comfortable. Every morning I wake up excited to go to work and every evening I am excited to go home. Not to say I don’t love my work, I couldn’t be more in love, I just love working on me as well. Sadly though, I haven’t been spending my end of days very wisely these past few months. Going forward I plan on changing that. I will have days dedicated to certain goals. Whether it’s researching about my potential PhD, reading about technology, or diving deep into a current ethical issue.
My goal is to be busy all day every day, doing productive work that I love. So expect to see a higher frequency of posts from me in the future!
