I wanted to try something a little different for this iteration of Record and Review. Instead of talking about something positive, I wanted to talk about something a bit more negative to see how I would do. It felt like a fun way to challenge myself and see how my speech differs. Definitely noticed a few different paradigms. Well anyway, I watched a movie and it made me think about abandonment, figured I would talk about it.
Blog
Songs of the Season: Late Spring
Clairvoyance arrives to me first with a scent of dew. Fresh oxygen from the earth shocks the system awake. A bright and brilliant sunshine lights the path. It’s quite brisk on the morn of Late Spring. I see a reflection of myself through a droplet resting atop a pedal. I lay for a moment and take in a deep breath in. The storms leave water dripping from the leaves around me. Each drop reminds me of the long path we’ve been navigating. My legs are tired even after a restful night, I think to myself, “Do you really have the stamina?”. “To get my heart out of the hell and my mind out of this jail”. I know that regardless of the answer I must rise and march forth. It doesn’t matter if I think I can, what matters is that I must. I take account of the mission, “I just want to be a real boy”. Realization hits as I begin to rise, I’m still alone on this path, “Noone right beside me“. But instead of dread, I feel optimism, “the wise man say, you’ll find your way”.
I stand in the grass where I just lay and, strangely, feel myself standing a fraction taller than normal. Something has changed, I can’t put my finger on it, perhaps my dream from the night before gave me a newfound confidence to continue down this long and winding road? “Keep all your dreams, keep standing tall”. I feel strong. Like what I have gone through has hardened me, given me strength to carry on. “If you are strong you cannot fall”. The fog of the morning still drifts through the trees, the memory of last night’s vision comes to me once more, it says: “there is more out there, and somebody cares, about you.”
Instead of taking off down the road I roam around my resting place, meandering in small figure eights. Gliding on the slippery grass. Somehow the traction on my shoes has kept me stable through the storms and the wet road. “Like the earth, I’m steady”. The tread has eroded and left behind shards, yet they continue to protect me from the sharp and hazardous conditions on this winding road. They’ve helped me get so far, but I’m uncertain how much further they’ll take me. “all I know is that I’m grateful” these protections afforded me the ability to make it past the worst of the trail, and I think it’s time to shed a bit of weight, start really feeling the Journey, start taking more risks, stop coddling. The comfort of days past won’t get me to where I wish to go from here, “Moving on, yeah I’m moving on.” I untie my shoes and release my feet from the comfort and protection. Looking to the sky, and with a rush of confidence and a touch of trepidation, I heave my shoes into the air. “I’m gonna throw you back into the galaxy.” They catch upon a branch and hang there, dangling above the road. An unconventional blaze upon the trail that now marks the transition from repair, recover and rebirth. To a time of growth, unencumbered by the challenges of the past, nor the risks of the future. I take my first steps onward without protection, head held high. Inner peace and an undying belief in my own success guides me forward. “Willing and able, I stay faithful” With a spirit of determination I Keep Moving Forward.
My bare feet are fragile for the first few moments of the journey. I hope that they will be able to callus where necessary, yet retain the ability to feel the road conditions. Their shoeless step feels powerful, natural. I recognize that I am no longer leaving behind rubber on the road, instead the road is rubbing off onto me. Some part of me feels the world is appreciative of this decision I’ve made. The strength it brings me pulls my shoulders back, raises my chest and focuses my eyes forward. “Wherever we are you can feel the prowess.” Something tells me that the new me I am crafting will be undeniably great. I look within and tell myself, ‘of course I’m great’. “When we move, we make the world wonderful”
**Okay a break from the story-telling for a moment. I found this next album one day whilst walking down the street looking for new music. Gemini put me onto this artist and the amount of times I’ve gone through this whole album is actually ridiculous. It may just be my favorite rap album ever. The production and lyricism is incredibly powerful. Thank you Danger Mouse and Black Thought for your help through Spring. Your sound has been there during each minor setback and each glimmer of hope. It has helped me through it all.**
For a moment along the trail, my feet feel indifferent to the imperfections of the trail. “It’s real when you done lost your last feeling”. “Premonition of intuition is a bitch, got a message from the heavens, all it said is to resist” so I bend over, touch my hands to the road and acknowledge it hasn’t gotten any less bumpy, I have just gotten more accustomed to it. “Fuck a thick skin, I got me a exoskeleton”. This must be the callousness I was hoping to develop, but I am glad to know I can still allow myself to feel.
After a day of travel without the comfort and protection of my previous footwear, night sets in. The sun setting triggers a though of introspection, just as the day has its moments of shade and shadow, and night can set in to blend them all to a single darkness, so too do I have darkness within me. Though I wish not for this darkness to exist, it does, and I must take heed to not allow it to grow. “Shine the light into the darkest part of me“. “Inside of my confessional, I decompress alone” This darkness won’t keep me from growing, but it might take me off track, where my feet won’t be prepared for what might be stepped upon. This newfound fear sits in me as I lay to rest for the night. Overnight dreams enlighten me to what the darkness truly is. “I take day as a blessing and see the night as a lesson. Twilight is a message for me to write a confession”. “I rise with every morning and star in another saga.” When I awaken, clarity brings me quickly to my feet. “From other women, I’m a glutton, I can’t run from who I become”. Instead of avoiding the issue, I work to overcome it. This won’t stop me from achieving my own greatness. “I won’t stop, won’t drop, won’t retire”, “Don’t stop, nope, I don’t quit. Yo, I don’t stop, yo, I don’t quit”.
Daybreak occurs as I am already pushing ahead. It brings new opportunities I wasn’t prepared for. Along the path there is a boy looking confused. Is he me? Perhaps a younger version of myself. There’s a moment I question what to do, but I realize something, “I was born to bе a teacher. Whether scorpion or the frog, the nature of the creature is to evolve, though it’s the savage beast we truly are”. I waste no time taking this opportunity to teach myself what my future holds. He is no more a boy than I, a moment of intuition strikes, I am the future, he is me. The cycles of life have overlapped. When such an event occurs, take no time to question it. “If the vehicle should swerve, learn to lean into the curve.” I impart all the strength and insight I can whilst I have the chance. But he is not along the same path as I, he has much more to learn before then. So I continue on my own Journey, I wish him best, and pray he learns quicker than I. “Even non-believers make prayers.” “All you tryna see is someplace with less sufferin.”
This day hasn’t yet delivered all of its new opportunities. My soul is strong, but has yet to be put to the test. Here comes the test. Along the trail the distractions begin to creep out. Temptation grows within me like I feared. The darkness grows. It seems harmless at first, but I know better. “Ulterior motives begin pure as a lotus”. It takes incredible strength to reject the repeated temptations. I do my best to keep looking forward but the darkness within me is fighting back. This is the part where I have to make a choice.
The answer to my darkness dilemma becomes obvious. What would the boy wish I do? The answer I hear in response comes in loud and clear, “taking care of me, I don’t need a damn thing.” So that’s what I do. I reject the distractions with vigor. “People be so phony, that’s why I be on my lonely.” Where I’m going, I can’t afford to waste any more time and energy on distractions. “My energy is priceless.” Our Energy is Priceless
Record and Review 13: Catch Phrases
Back at it again with another R&R. I’m starting to notice another interesting pattern of my communication that I think might be the toughest to “resolve” yet. I sway. Body movement isn’t all bad, but I rock myself back and forth like a lil baby. Hand motions aren’t the distracting part, the insesant body movement is. When sitting I remain quite still, but when standing I rock. I wonder why, jk I know why haha. So let’s see what we can do about that.
Oh! The topic of this “week’s” record and review is catch phrases. I’ve got a couple lil ones that I will monitor over the next few weeks to make sure I’m not leaning too hard on them or being obnoxious with them.
Record and Review 12: Where are the Tough Going?
When the going gets tough, the tough get going. But like, where tho? Making improvements, still feel like I need more practice actually talking with people in person. Going to make a concerted effort to engage with more people out in the wild.
Writing: A Window to My Soul
Why Create Art?
Why am I doing this? Writing this now, recording a voice over. Why? What’s the point? Is the point of creation consumption? Do you think artists care how many people view their art, or do you think that the artist simply feels compulsion to create. Do you think that they marvel over their own creations upon completion, or just onto the next? What would Van Gogh say if he saw all his pieces hanging in museums for patron’s viewing pleasure? Or the countless phone cases and other knock off memorabilia pawning off his creations enmasse? Do you think he’d give a shit? So many artists who live off their creations I’m sure care deeply about how much their art is worth, or at least, how much somebody is willing to pay for it, and how many pieces they can create and sell. Price and volume. Maybe capitalism has corrupted art? Let’s not even get into AI art.
Every Creator Has Their Purpose
By the way, I swear this post is about writing. I just think that the introspection into art as a case study for expression provides clear evidence that people create for different purposes. May it be money, compulsion, expression, maybe even just for fun. Or perhaps answer D, all of the above. Whether it’s art, music, videos, podcasts, or blog posts, every creator has a purpose, a reason they do what they do. What’s mine? There’s something particularly interesting about the reason I write that I’d like to discuss. A concept I find enlightening and beautiful.
A Window to My Soul
Lots of people keep journals, hidden away under their bed or under lock and key in their nightstand. They pen in their deepest darkest thoughts for nobody to ever read. Not even their closest allies have access to these pages. Their secrets never to be unveiled. A window into their life, boarded up. Windows are not made to be covered by blinds and drapes, let alone boarded. They are made to seen through. I, alike the window, wish to be seen through. By whomever cares to look inside. Like sand through an hourglass, these are the thoughts of my life.
Take a Peek
Through the practice of writing, and posting on my blog, I am crafting a lens into the soul of a man. My soul, on display, for any and all to see. No stained glass, no rose tenting, just plain old double pane. What, you think I don’t give a damn about insulation? I don’t want my energy bill going out the window! Some windows may be wide, others tall, perhaps a porthole or skylight here and there. There’s lots of different ways to look inside. Would you like a peek?
Lumière
Be our guest, be our guest, put my soul to the test. Do you wish to know my truth or even care to see the rest? Post by post, you will see, that there’s no more truer me, than what I write upon this scroll for all the internet to see. You will find what you seek, if you just take spare a peek. I don’t share this, just to spare bliss, cause the topics are quite bleak. But the joy, it will come, maybe not one for one. As my soul is still in spring, and I have yet to see the sun. So subscribe, if you please, if you don’t my minds at ease. The fact that you don’t care stops me not from writing these.
If you’re reading this, it’s not too late.
Something’s Missing
Brain Atrophy
There’s a part of me missing. Maybe not missing, but untrained? A “muscle” atrophied. Through the practice of weightlifting I’ve come to understand that there are many parts of me that I have not given enough consideration toward. I can tell when there is a power imbalance in my physical muscles, but for some reason it’s more difficult when the imbalance is in your mind. I’ve got a problem with the way I think, the way I act. A quintessential part of my personality has been absent in my life of late. It’s hard to exactly identify what it is, but let me make my best effort to name and shame. My drive. My ambition. My willingness to go out of a limb, to seek discomfort and conquer the unknown. Complacency is one of the most debilitating characteristics, a truly unfortunate trap any individual can fall into. I know not necessarily why I’ve fallen into this trap, other than the inevitability of being such a creature of habit that truly enjoys digging ruts of activity of which I cannot get out. Problem is, I enjoy new experiences, and I enjoy the feeling of freedom one gets when they leave the house to venture out into the unknown. So what’s stopping me from doing that?
Brain Gym
Where do you think your personality lives? Up top somewhere, in that big bran of yours of course. The human brain is such a beautifully complex system, but with complexity comes the opportunity to break. Because of its incredible ability to rebuild itself, or let’s say mend itself, we often go through life with a partially busted brain. Your brain isn’t a muscle in the conventional sense, but it acts often quite similarly to a muscle in the way it needs to be trained to retain its strength. Cognitive atrophy is no joke, and if you choose (or unconsciously derelict) to disregard parts of who you are, those parts won’t work as good. I think as we age, it is common to leave parts of yourself behind. But it doesn’t always have to be that way. If you notice a part of you weakening, or breaking down, you have a chance to repair it. For muscles that means targeted exercise, for the brain, all the same. Exercise kinda sucks though, especially if you’ve only just discovered that the particular target muscle has atrophied to a great extent. Not many people enjoy doing hard things, our brains aren’t naturally programmed for that, it takes considerable effort to train your brain for that. But I want to be strong. I want to craft and smith myself into a man of distinct character. For my body, I go to the gym, but where do I go to strengthen my mind? Please nobody say a Buddhist temple, however, that does sound kinda cool.
Risk Taking Behaviour
I’ve been called a risk taker before. What does that even mean? Is it positive or negative? Honestly, that probably depends on the thing you are taking a risk on. Why is it that I feel so capable of taking risks on the bike or behind the wheel, but not so much in social settings or out in the world? Am I afraid, or just weak? Both? Shit, I don’t know. Regardless, risk taking is a part of me that I actually really enjoy. Someday it will kill me, but until then, I’m having a blast. The big question still remains unanswered, how can I harness my risk-taking nature and put it to use on this part of me I’m so obviously weak in. How can I take that energy and guide it to strengthen my atrophied ambition? Hmm. Like a cardboard box in need of recycling, let’s break it down.
Victimizer and Victim
Get over yourself. What I mean by that is, don’t belittle yourself for being weak. There’s really no use in beating yourself up over the fact that you aren’t who you want to be. To acknowledge the issue is enough, to harm your psyche is really overkill. Counterproductive for sure. Move past the “woe is me”, stop playing the victim and the victimizer. How you gonna go to court and sit behind two stands as the plaintiff and defendant? Judge is going to look at you like you’re some kind of fool, because you are. Only a fool would blame themselves for hurting themselves to the point of never stopping hurting themselves. Like, just stop. You’re better than that. Say whatever you need to say, tell yourself whatever you need to hear. May it be; “be a man”, “suck it up”, “get over it”, or simply, “stop”. You need to get past the fact that you are where you are, and get to the part where the dreams of a brighter future are not seen as dreams but potential realities.
Prove It
As my boy Shia would say, “Don’t let your dreams be dreams, DO IT”. Lmao, poor guy. Another wild mf once said, “name one genius that ain’t crazy”. Oh Ye. Regardless of how nuts both those homies are, their points, on occasion, are valid. In this instance, Shia is right. You’ve got to Nike that shit, Just Do It. As discussed in a previous post about getting yourself back on track, get back on the path and move forward with intention. Give yourself some grace, make it easy on yourself and do it. Believe in yourself, nobody else will until you do. Prove it to yourself. Prove it. I fuckin dare you. Until you do, you’ll be stuck in that rut, weak and embarrassed. Don’t be that guy. I want you to wake each morning with some carpe diem type shit. Go prove to yourself that you can be who you want to be. “The world is yours.”
Stand tall, you’ve got nothing to be ashamed of.
Delusion Illusion
When did you find out?
That you’re not everything you want to be.
When did it happen to you?
At what age did you come to realize that the world doesn’t give a shit about you?
Inadequacy
How do you feel when you hear that word?
Does it stab you in the soul as it does to me?
Does it move you to tears in the way it does to me?
I’m not afraid of it, I am it.
To be not good enough, is all I know.
For brief moments does my mind change and I feel strong, capable, intelligent, confident even.
Very brief moments.
Smoke and mirrors.
It’s all a facade. Where’s the truth?
My mind has no objective foundation, all is hearsay and conjecture.
Untrustworthy narrator.
“You should be more confident”, I’ve heard it time and again from others.
Doesn’t matter. If I don’t believe it, doesn’t matter what anybody says.
For so damn long I’ve been beating myself up for not being what I wish I was.
I allow myself to belittle and minimize my achievements. To strengthen the neural pathways of negative reinforcement.
What a fucking tragedy.
I embarrass myself, to myself. How is that even possible.
UGH
I always blame me. It’s always been just me.
I want to be my own best friend instead of my own worst enemy. So badly.
Live on hope, instead of anxiety.
A pipe dream. Probably. Who knows. Not I.
Frustrating.
Mantra Discovery: Become One With
The Royal We
Life without purpose is pointless. Nobody has the authority to dictate any person’s purpose but themselves. So it’s up to every one person to lead their way. I often refer to myself with a “we”, like I am working alongside myself to accomplish my goals. Different executive functions operate independently of each other, and my body is a tool for those functions to leverage so they may accomplish their goals/objectives. So when I am operating effectively, “we” are doing well. All instruments of my orchestra are tuned and playing in time, a beautiful symphony. A symphony of sympathy.
Mantra Discovery
In my yoga class, the instructor taught us about mantra. What it means in Sanskrit, and why it’s important for a practicing yogic. I took some time to think about what my mantra is, serious thought went into this discovery. One day, whilst riding my bike, I felt strangely connected to the steel and rubber. The way the pedals turned, the translation of power into movement, the realization that the destination was just a stop along the Journey. The following evening, behind the wheel of my Miata, the same feeling came over me, then it came to me. My mantra was spoken aloud by an often muted executive function deep within myself, “Become One With the Car”. The moment I brought the car into the “we”, everything changed, we felt all right. We felt as one.
Togetherness
Whether I am biking, driving, hiking, golfing, lifting, cooking, eating, even resting, to become one with the tool or environment I find myself in brings serenity and focus. No longer am I driving the car, we are driving. No longer am I hitting a golf ball, we are golfing. I’m not riding a skateboard, we are skateboarding. Togetherness.
Become One With Another?
What more can I become one with? Other people? Perhaps that’s the most difficult “thing” to integrate into “we”. Electromagnetism tells me polarity disallows certain things from joining together. Is it possible that I’ll be unable to integrate with everything? Will it be impossible to Become One With anything? Possibly. Worth trying to find out, I’d say.
Where is my Mind?
What a strange mindfulness strategy: hey you random inanimate object, want to morph into my metaphysical person so that I may better be? God, I’m a fucking weirdo. We gotta figure out how to be more proud of that. Because I genuinely feel like that’s a good thing. Cue The Pixies, “Where is my mind?”
NTS inbound…
Record and Review 11: Ground Feel
Something I noticed lately is just how much I love the feel off the Earth beneath me. I will intentionally chose to ride hard in most every aspect of my life. Something about appreciating the difficulty of navigating the world and the journey of life with all its bumps and cracks.
Songs of the Season: Mid-Spring
Early Spring ends with a glimpse of what the future can hold. Warmth, but just for a moment. The skies aren’t finished seeding the ground with growth potential. The storms roll back in, not always will it rain, but often clouds will cover the blue sky yearning to break through. This year, the Spring seems to drag on. Welcome? Uncertain. Necessary? Likely. Difficult? Without a doubt.
First Songs of the Season
Clouds roll back in, the sun is blocked once again, shadows dissolve on the ground. Plants hold for a moment as the promise of sun seems to be in question. Perhaps some eager life is caught just a centimeter above the earth. Thirsting for a chance to grow into something great. They must be patient, for this Spring will be a Long and Winding Road. “The wild and windy night, that the rain washed away, has left a pool full of tears”, “Many times I’ve been alone and many times I’ve cried, Anyway, you’ll never know the many ways I’ve tried.” The grey clouds darken the day, soften the colours. The headwinds are blowing strong, pushing me in directions I know not to go. My heart is strong, my legs are weak. “But still they lead me back to the long winding road.”
Along the long and winding road, I look around to find camaraderie. I begin to see others on the path. I’m not alone on this Journey, yet, I feel lonely. A deep pit in my stomach is felt, as I look to my fellow travelers. “Ah, look at all the lonely people. Where do they all belong?”.
Second Songs of the Season
Of course, the clouds get darker and darker along the road and eventually begin to pour their hearts out onto all the weary, lonely travelers. Some seek cover to wait out the storm, others speed up hoping they can beat the storm. I stop under the rain for a moment to soak in the reality of the situation, then continue forward under the blackened skies, “we shine brighter in the dark”. I reach out to others also pushing through the rain. Even though we are both equally drenched, “I cannot explain the feeling of alone, the loneliness”. I’m reminded this Journey, however unique it feels, is not. These people I share this Journey with are all experiencing similar challenges. Some have been on this path for much longer than I. As much as I wish to help them along, I need to take care of myself first.
Lightening strikes and in a moment of brief panic I slip and fall. I’m only on the ground for a moment, but the moment has left me injured. Wounded and pained, I arise to assess the damages. Minor, yet plenty bad to set me back on my Journey. Worst of all, I look ahead and to my bewilderment, the road seems to be getting more and more challenging, ahead is a wall. Others have given up here and are resting on the wall, a few have turned around and given up. Not me. “Well, climbin’ over that wall. I remember, yes, I remember, yes, I remember it all. Swear the height be too tall, so like September I fall.” No. I will not give up on me. Up and over I go. My body still pained from the two falls, I patch myself up and move forward again knowing I can overcome challenges even after failure, even whilst pained. “Self-care, I’m treatin’ me right. Hell yeah, we gonna be alright.”
Third Songs of the Season
With a bit of confidence I march forward. Embracing the storm now, I step with purpose. Each step seems to echo the last. ow many steps have I already taken? I look back for a glimpse at the winding path behind me. Not sure what I expected to see, but what shows is not it. All I see at footprints, the path is obscured by the downpour. All I see are the echoes. “It’s the echoes that I wait for. It’s the echoes on the return.”, “Ridin’ through the thunder, Tryna see the summer.”. I don’t think twice, I turn back around, take a deep breath and continue my march. “Breakin’ through the echoes. Breathin’ through the echoes.”
The echoes continue. Every step I take they reverberate through my body and mind. I can’t shake them. The echoes have me questioning. Is the path I’m taking the right one? I want to believe in myself, trust myself. “One of one, I’m in the zone right now. Tell me, am I still?” While still moving forward with an ounce of doubt I search for and find a few people to give me guidance. “you’ve been fightin’ for your shot, And you’ve been searchin’ for your spot. Oh, you think you got your groove. But you want someone like you.” The echoes continue, “I’m lookin’ at her, when her startin’ to turn to you. Now you startin’ to fuck up my mind, is it you, is it her?”.
Last Song of the Season
All of a sudden the storm breaks for a moment. Wet and tired from the constant echoes I pray this storm has passed. Well, no point in stopping for a break now, let’s take advantage of the moment. “I’m just onto the next thing.” It’s due time I keep time and thus keep track of progress. I’ve looked back and seen darkness. I start seriously documenting this long and winding road. It helps me stay focused on the goal. “New mind state in a new spot. Fuck a TikTok, bought a new watch.” Progress is undeniable now, I’m doing well. This Spring is long, but I know the positive results of the hard work will come. I hope. I don’t really know, but I dream. Success isn’t guaranteed, so I guess I’ll need to continue forward with whatever doubt remains, and prove it to myself. “Am I killing it or am I losing it?”
Getting Back on Track
Falling out of routine on something is not an immediately noticeable phenomenon. Often, it starts slow, missing a day, making a singular excuse, and then it cascades into missing multiple days. Eventually, you stop whatever it is altogether. Usually, hopefully, you notice this regression before you completely cease to do whatever activity you’re intending on maintaining. This point in time realization is a key moment for you to realign your intentions and bring yourself back to the right path. It’s important to not fault yourself for wandering off path, because truthfully, it’s inevitable. Sometimes it’s caused by something, like a lapse, or relapse, other times it just happens. As a human being, being inconsistent is natural. Forming habits and sticking to them isn’t some guaranteed reality. Dedication and consistency are incredibly hard to cultivate within oneself. Honestly, that’s part of the reason why I am so impressed with many professional athletes, because in order to perform at that level, you must have incredible will power to maintain proficiency.
So when the inevitable fall off happens, what do you do to get back on track? How does one, “reel it back in”? Before I go on answering those questions, I want to confess my own reasoning for this analysis. Many times in my life, I’ve established a path for myself, then succulently deviated by a matter of slowly falling off. Take the book for example. Ideally it is a daily activity to check in with it, to check myself. It’s a silent accountability partner, a reflection of my own mentality. The book provides to me a measure of progress. Without the book, progress is untracked and undirected. Not staying consistent with the book, is undoubtedly correlated with falling out of routine with all other aspects of my life. So this inquiry of how to get back on track is vital for me to stay honest to my long term objectives.
There are a few strategies worth considering to support the reorientation of direction and reignition of positive momentum. The first step of course is identifying the situation. Catching yourself falling out of routine should be a humongous red flag. Alarm bells should be going off. Do not press the snooze button on those feelings. Listen and learn from them. To ignore that realization is to be complicit in your own failure to stay true to yourself. You must do something about it, and quick, immediately if you can. Do not delay, do not hesitate, act. What to do, though, what to do? Do it, duh! But it’s not always that easy. Let me be clear, addressing the fall off is more than just “getting back on the path”. You need to get back on the path, look back, look forward, and give yourself a nice lil push to get moving again. What’s that look like practically?
Three things: retrospection, dream, and simplify.
Retrospection comes in many forms. Looking back on where you came from, commending your progress, identifying pitfalls, and loving your journey are so key. For me, this comes in a few shapes. I will flip back through the pages of my book and cross off the things I’ve done days after initially writing them. This gives me an opportunity to realize the productivity of days past. Identify and substantiate the progress I’ve made. Each crossed off activity is a step in the right direction. To see those past steps taken gives me confidence in my ability to take more in the future. Progress is often so slow that it’s hard to feel at any point along the way. You can feel a single step, or series of steps, but it’s so difficult to feel the hundreds, thousands, of steps you’ve taken that have gotten you to where you are today. Try your hardest to feel that collective of minute positive movements, they are a culmination of your hard work. Celebrate your progress, pat yourself on the back, tell yourself “good job”. Don’t dwell on the past, respect it and turn toward the future.
Dream. This is also a common time for me to write a note to self. Especially if it has been a while since my last reflection. It’s a moment for me to commemorate. My note to self messages are often very forward looking. Charging myself up for what I wish to become. They come with a mix of congratulations, and medium term goal setting. Perhaps your journey is taking a previously unexpected change in direction, perhaps the path has narrowed, or the terrain has changed. Something has occurred to make the future unlike the past, don’t expect to continue on successfully without a change inexecution. “What has gotten us here is insufficient to get us further.” Take time to plan how you will address the future path. Reassess your routine and make the necessary modifications to accommodate your reality.
Simplify. Declutter your life, shed the weight you’ve been carrying before you move forward. This could be chores around the house for instance. I know for myself that laundry and dishes are a fantastic indicator of my mental cleanliness. How do you expect to move forward on your journey without clearing the pathway, without dropping the weight of past travels? See if there is a way to grease the wheels of your vehicle. For example, put the book “in your way” so you can’t neglect it in the morning when you arise. Ensure you have the right food in the fridge and pantry for meals. Spend a moment prepping for the week ahead so you have a clear runway to gain momentum on. These activities will get you moving, baby steps as you spin up your engine, and alleviate the stress of the first few big steps you will take as you begin moving back in the right direction.
Then go. Take a deep breath, and move forward. Repeat to yourself your mantra. Believe in yourself and get moving. Momentum is built over time, not instantly. Remember that. Respect that. Immediate gratification is a myth, a farce, a facade, a siren beckoning you’d be best to reject. What you’re working toward will take time to earn. Don’t be hard on yourself for not already being where you want to be. Be hard on yourself for expecting everything from nothing. They say Rome wasn’t built in a day. The pyramids, or the great wall, weren’t erected overnight. Effort over time yields results, it’s your job to put in that effort, it’s your responsibility to continue to put in that effort over time. Do it, results will come.
P.S. It feels like I’ve written this post before. Which is a testament to the reality of falling off.
Record and Review 10: Disabilities
Life ain’t easy, and for some people, it’s particularly challenging. We all face our own challenges along the way, and to overcome them makes us stronger. This practice of record and review is my way of exercising the muscles that support my ability to communicate with others, which is a challenge of mine considering my autism. Other people have overcome their own disabilities and for that I am encouraged. Empowerment comes in all shapes and sizes, colors and rhythms. Use that to your advantage. Kaizen.
Thee Cat that Saved My Life
Andromeda. The nearest sister galaxy to our own Milkyway, named after Greek mythology heart-throb. An apt name for such a loving and beautiful creature as a cat. As I write this she is laying on top of me, and as I edit it a few days later, right beside. A stunning tortouiseshell, white pawed, split faced, pointy earied demonspawn.
Pet Ownership Morallity
Animals as pets have always presented a moral quandary within me. How is it fair that these beings are more or less forced to live with their owners? As a counter point, you look at longevity statistics and it apparently it pays off to live inside and be a pet. However I wonder, does living a longer, less exciting, life best a short and thrilling one? Hard to say. Some pet owners are really sweet to their pets, others, not so much. The pet doesn’t really get to choose the owner either, and obviously doesn’t have the outright ability to walk away from the situation they may find themselves in. Soooo, is pet ownership morally wrong? Sounds kinda like slavery.
Evolutionary Utility
For millennia cats and dogs have lived alongside humans. It’s basically built into their DNA. Domestication is a strange, strange concept. Evolutionarily dogs and humans joined forces to hunt for food. And cats and humans joined forces to protect food stocks. But that utilitarian viewpoint for pet ownership has for the most part gone away. Now they are more often than not emotional support animals. Still, it’s hard to say in either scenario exactly what the animal feels is a fair arrangement.
Symbiotic Relationships
I take very good care of my cat, she is my best friend. Andromeda helps me understand some of the more simple and obvious parts of life. Andromeda is less a pet and more friend in my eyes. But then again, when I go take a hike and pick up sticks and rocks I end up calling those my friends as well. Maybe that’s not the best word, perhaps companion is more like it. Pets are humans’ companions. There’s something so unique about the beauty of life in an alternate package with a different genealogy and subspecies utility. The variation in types of pets people take in is also interesting, there’s cats, dogs, rabbits, birds, snakes, geckos, lizards. Shoot, you can have really big pets like pigs, cows, sheep and horses although not as common, and most often those domesticated animals are bred for farming. Without a doubt the most popular pets are cats and dogs. I wonder why that is.
My Companion
Andromeda is the best companion I could ask for. We met when she was only a few months old, picked up off the street somewhere in the south, then transported to a shelter in Pittsburgh. The same shelter that I just so happened to walk in to that faithful day in early 2020. She’s got a wonderful personality, very talkative, very expressive, intelligent and able to communicate her needs. Does she really need me to survive? I doubt it. But she knows that she can rely on me to survive, and because of that dependability, what feels like a great appreciation is born. Because if you’re with someone that gives you everything that you need to survive it’s hard not to love them for consistently taking care of you.
Andromeda has done so much for me as a person. I’ve come to better realize why it is we as humans have cats. As I was saying earlier, back in the old days they were for chasing off vermin and protecting the crop from the most recent harvest. Now, they are a luxury addition to our lives. They don’t lack the same utility, for instance Andromeda will gladly chase down bugs and mice if she sees them, even catch a snake and bring it to me. All those old engrained utilities are nice and all, but there’s more. Andromeda helps me in ways I don’t even think she understands.
Andromeda has been there for me in the brightest and darkest moments of my life. The value she provides in my life is immeasurable. To get some of the obvious things out of the way, of course the regular requirement to keep another animal alive is non negligible. That responsibility helps you follow your own routine and gives you an opportunity to be a better person. One level deeper than that, they also help you appreciate your own life more. She helps me cope with the stresses of modern life. Helps me relax and take it easy, to appreciate the simpler things. Recently, in my stress management course I learned that having an animal in your life can greatly benefit your mental health. Apparently divorced men in their 20s and 30s are 10x more likely to die. I give a lot of credit to my own survival to the fact that Andromeda was there for me.
Some of the different things that I love about Andromeda is when she really wants to play she will bring her toy to you wherever you may be in the house. String in mouth, roaring like a lion, she will drop it at your feet and demand play, doesn’t matter if you’re busy or not. Miss Andromeda has a strong affinity for strings, specifically shoelaces. Whether they’re on a shoe or not she very much enjoys shoelaces which is I guess no surprise because she also loves snakes. Something in her DNA says that those are fun to play with, or that you should chase and kill them. Often playing with Andromeda feels like I’m giving her some exercise in what her species was for so long dedicated to do for humankind.
She loves to nibble on me when I don’t pet her enough. Like she will grab my hand with her paw or bite to say, “you’re not done petting yet”. When I got Andromeda I said to myself, I want a cat that would kind of be a bitch, and I definitely got a cat like that. She’s very food motivated as well. Always hopping up on the chair next to me when I’m having dinner, pawing at my spoon every bite trying to get her share of the food. I’ll let her have a little bit of salmon or chicken from time to time because I can’t help but spoil her.
She’s so smart she knows how to do a few tricks I taught her when she was a kid. She can sit, stay, shake hands and spin around. She loves showing those off to new friends. Matter of fact, she loves making new friends. Whenever I bring anyone over, she is the most friendly and curious cat. Never running away and hiding, which I love. She has different types of meows that communicate different things to me. Whether she’s happy or upset, needs water, food, play or a clean box. She will paw at the window or door to the patio when she wants a breath of fresh air. Needless to say, she has a way of getting what she wants. She knows her name, and she’s knows when she’s being a trouble maker. Like when she tries biting my toothbrush or puts her back paws on the table.
She’s a split gene tortoise shell, meaning one of her sides is a little bit lighter than the other. It’s very obvious in her face, but the split goes all the way down her backside. Her left side has substantially more tabby in it. Funny enough, I think she knows that because whenever she goes to stretch or lay down she always tries to show off that tabby side. She doesn’t love it when I try to give her kisses on the forehead and she doesn’t normally let me play with her paws or toe beans either. And she absolutely despises when I sing, I think she’s under the impression I’m dying because she will come up and bite me in the neck as if that will resuscitate me. Once every blue moon she will lose one of her bright white whiskers around the house, and it feels like an easter egg finding one.
I can’t imagine life without her. She is, without a doubt, the most precious and beautiful thing in my life. Recently, with all the stress I’ve been going through, her and I will just cuddle together and breathe. She gives great hugs and loves to be held. Anytime I go to lay down, no matter where I am in the house, moments later she’ll arrive. Not so patiently awaiting her opportunity to lay down on my right hip and sprawl out. When I’m not around to be her personal heater, she’ll lay on my clothes, clean or dirty, doesn’t matter. I imagine she’s attracted to my scent. If not in a pile of laundry, you can find her on the bed, on a window sill, in the hammock, or occasionally on top of the cupboards in the bathtub. She’s got all her spots, and every so often will deviate, like when she plops down in a drawer, or sneaks into the medicine closet when I’m not looking.
Wherever she decides to rest, I know deep down she is at peace being with me. Our bound is strong. I love her very much, and I can tell she loves me.
Record and Review 9: Free Will
Still working on Eye Contact, always working to improve my filler word usage. I actually think I need more practice generally, like talking to more people any given week. Kinda weird, but I still don’t think I am talking to enough people to get an actual gauge on my progress. Need to get my face in front of other people’s faces.
Life Update: Love, Betrayal, Growth
Note to the reader: This was posted many months after it was written.
What does it mean to be in love?
What does it mean to be alone?
What does it mean to be alive?
Coming Back from a Pause
It’s been far too long since I’ve touched this blog. To be honest, it’s been far too long since I’ve been myself. But who even am I?
I return to this place once again in the darkest depths of my life. Last we spoke, I was celebrating being a homeowner for a whole year, a life goal I didn’t know would ever be attainable. Such a fantastic accomplishment at a very young age. Who would have thought it could get any better? What I didn’t realize at the time was that the person who was taking that picture would become be the center of my life, Mary.
Mary
This woman would soon be my world. My sun and moon rose and fell for her. We met so young, so fresh in our lives. We fell madly in love almost instantly. There’s never been a person more for me than her. Together we built a life, a family, a home, a story that would never end. We married after 3 years of partnership. A partnership that saw us survive the global Covid pandemic, heart surgery, the death of loved ones, the adoption of two precious kittens, the joys of adventure in some of the most beautiful places. Countless memories we made together, many hardships we overcame together, we were inseparable.
I felt like I had found my true love, so I put everything I had into her. I spent so much time, effort and money supporting her. Trusting her and building my life around her. She put just as much time and effort into the relationship, putting up with my weird quirks and always encouraging me to be great. We worked tirelessly to get her through school; her associates, bachelors and then onto her masters. We would both end up working multiple jobs to afford and enjoy the life that we had. We started saving up for a forever home together. There were so many happy memories we made together it’s hard to tell the whole story. We played games together, board games and video games like Stardew Valley, Animal Crossing or Fortnite. We had sushi dates regularly, which was an homage to our first date. We hiked the local mountain countless times, I would end up proposing at the top of that mountain. She welcomed me into her family and we spent multiple Christmas breaks with them down in Tampa.
We travelled all over exploring some of the greatest cities and national parks the east coast has to offer. We would go to the beach and she would comb for sea glass while I’d find interesting shells. We would say we were rich if we came back with a big haul. In the winter, we would make snow angels, and we even built a snowman in the park that lasted for weeks. We would drive by it and always giggle that he was still standing. We rode bikes together, one time broke both our hands within the same week.
Played beer die with each other and our friends. We went to countless bookstores to fuel her insatiable love for reading, I would peruse the music section to find classics. We would sit at the kitchen table and talk for hours and hours about everything under the sun. We grew together, and created the most beautiful relationship I’ve ever experienced. I loved her with all my heart. I trusted her completely. She was my Mur.
Betrayal
Two and a half years into our marriage and we make the decision to move her up to Maine for graduate school to pursue her dreams while I stayed back in Pittsburgh to pursue mine in my career. After a single semester away, she had a whole new group of friends, and a whole new personality. I visit every month, sometimes multiple times a month to stay connected to her, but slowly a divide grew between us. I get jealous of one of her new friends and ask if there is anything between them. She tells me no, and makes me feel bad for even considering it. One month later I learn the truth, she was having an affair with that “friend”, and I didn’t learn about it until her downstairs neighbors reached out to tell me.
That’s right, her downstairs neighbors were the ones to break the news to me. They sought me out and sent an email because they felt compelled to uphold their own integrity. For that I am eternally grateful. Maybe for every two horrible people, there are four great ones. Or maybe not, perhaps they were just assholes with a conscious. I sent them a thank you present and they wrote back. If it wasn’t for them, I may have never known.
Grief
I’ve never been more betrayed in my whole life. The emotions I’ve felt in the past months as I work through the grief, and we work through the divorce, have been unbelievably horrendous. I can’t fathom how anyone could do this to the person they love, but here I am entrenched in sorrow and embarrassment. I’m lost, and alone. Afraid of the unknown to come. I’ve done everything I can to just stay alive. I used to say that this marriage was the greatest decision in my life, now I say this divorce is the worst moment in my life. I have never been lower. I had to call the suicide hotline one of the first nights after it all came to light because I was truly on the brink. Isolated and overwhelmed in grief in the home we made together. The home we survived in together, the one we were alive in together. The home where our love began.
What does it mean to be in love?
What does it mean to be alone?
What does it mean to be alive?
Introspection
I find myself asking these questions often now as the days go on. I keep moving forward while such a huge part of my life is now gone. Am I alone? Or am I free? What is life without love? Why have I chosen to stay alive?
I find myself asking these over and over. I ask, how could she have done this? How could you do this to someone you love? What does love even mean?
The answers never come. The questions create darkness I wallow in until my tear ducts have ran dry. I yell into the void for nothing but silence to return.
Nobody has the answers for any of these questions and it frustrates me beyond comprehension. I can’t even muster an explanation that even scratches the surface of all of these impossibly complex queries. Life is not simple. It’s undeniably complex and messy. I suppose the reason why this frustrates me so is because I’ve been proven wrong. Nobody really likes to learn of their own ignorance, it mocks us and belittles our ego. Instead of resenting my ignorance, I wish to understand. Perhaps I ought to embrace the ignorance and learn something instead. There’s got to be a lesson here in the mud. It feels as though the only reason I was “wrong” was because I felt like I understood what love meant, I felt sure of it. Perhaps you’re only wrong when you settle on an answer that you believe is definitive. Maybe the answers to those questions are never the same no matter who or when you ask them. The answers are alive and infinite. There’s beauty in believing you’re right, you can flourish for a time, but you must know deep down that all things change over time. As such, what it means to love, to be alone, to be alive, also change. Strength comes from understanding that fundamental truth, accepting it and enjoying all the moments regardless.
In my quest for understanding, I’ve neglected that truth. We try our best each and every day, but does it mean anything if it will all change and come undone in the end?
I’d like to think it does, but right now, I’m uncertain. Doubt courses through my veins. I turn inward once again in search of who I am, perhaps I can find meaning there. I need a question I can answer to get me moving again.
What are you going to do about it?
I am going to be strong. I am going to stay healthy. Worlds crumble, but from the rubble, they can be rebuilt. It’s winter right now in the season of life, and I know spring comes next. Soon the rains will pour and I will be given the greatest opportunity in life, growth. I’ve read back many of my words from times before and they all still resonate true within me. I am still a good person, and I still deserve a life full of joy and splendor. This relationship was not a failure by my doing. Blame isn’t always useful in situations like this, and it’s not fair to call the whole relationship a failure. There were many great lessons and successes along the way. What she did was wrong, but it’s only a failure if I reject the opportunity to learn and grow from it. Learning from a mistake that wasn’t your own can be difficult. But, I’ve learned and I’ve grown through many mistakes and failures before, and this one will be no different. I need a plan. I know that with hard work and dedication I will become a stronger version of me. Back to the book I go. New title, Keep Moving Forward.
As for the next few months, my main priorities are me.
1. Health and Fitness. I am going to get in the best shape of my life and I am going to love myself for it.
2. Focus on my career. I am going to reaffirm my passion for engineering and discover new pathways for my knowledge, expertise and skillset to be challenged.
All else is out of consideration.
I need a change in scenery, and I think its been far too long since I’ve been on the move, so I’ve got a few places to check off the list. They may not all get done this year, but as I take a break from working, here is where I plan to go.
Spain
Croatia
Austria
South Korea
Japan
Vietnam/Thailand
Singapore
Philippines
New Zealand
I’ll still keep my house in Pittsburgh for when I eventually return home. But I don’t plan on living there forever. I hope my new work situation will take me to the pacific northwest. Somewhere where there are beautiful beaches for relaxation and cloud cresting mountaintops for ascending.
I’m not going to stress myself out and worry about finding love again for a while. If it finds me, I’ll be the best me to accept it. For now, I’m going in search of knowledge. I’m going to find myself.
P.S. I miss you, Lumen.
Record and Review 8: Eye Contact
I suck at eye contact, plain and simple. I could lie and say I don’t know why, but lying is a sin. This week, and likely for the rest of the summer, we are going to be working on our eye contact. Looking at people as they walk by. Maintaining eye contact when talking to people. If I gesture at someone with a hello, head nod, or cap tip (which I actually do sometimes lmao) don’t look away.
This undoubtedly will be a solid challenge for me since my neurodivergent mind can’t seem to look at people, but I know just how important it is. Physical presence is just as important as vocal presence, if not a little more. Posture and eye contact are HUGE. I’m starting on eye contact, but know that posture will come next. Both need some work. KAIZEN baby, let’s get it!
Oh, complete side note, new Mantra just dropped… “Become one with …”
Lines of Relation
Impactful Relationships
Relationships are special, no matter how brief or impactful. Each connection you make with another person is incredible in its own right. I’ve, alike many others, been blessed by the presence of some incredible people in my time here on Earth. Through these relationships I’ve grown into who I am today. Family, Friends, Partners, Lovers, Mentors, and Strangers have all played a part in the formulation of me. Without them, I would not be where I am today. I’m so thankful to have been in their life, and for them to have been in mine.
Visualized Relations
I’ve decided to draw my life relations on a timeline the way I conceptualize them. With people as the lines coming in and out of my life, the strength and impact of those relationships highlighted in the strength of the line. The nature of the relationship highlighted in the colour. And the closeness showcased in nearness to my lifeline. Green is family, blue is friends, red and pink are partners and flings respectively. This isn’t a super high fidelity diagram, but more a rough showcase of who has come and gone in my life over time.
Make the Most of Each Connection
Each relationship is so dear to my heart. There is so much that can come from that connection. It’s important to me to maximize the experience I share with each person that comes into my life. You never know when a random chance acquaintance can turn into a very meaningful relationship for years and years.
Record and Review 7: Freedom
Alrighty! Filler words are going away at a steady pace, conjunctive overuse is dwindling, and no longer does everybody, “you know”.
It’s time for me to start addressing a few more areas of speech that need improvement. Let’s start with pausing. I don’t always have to be speaking! Introducing pausing into my speech will provide me with a strong tool to emphasize a point or allow my listener to internalize my message.
Looking forward to not being a rambling story-teller. Hit ’em with the pause!
Record and Review 6: Cold Approaching
Missed the last week, deepest apologies. To make it up, I’ve doubled down and did a 10min. Honestly, that’s not the reason I went long, I just had a lot to say.
Without further ado: Record and Review 6
Family and Friends
Getting Away from Pittsburgh
I recently travelled to San Diego to celebrate my sisters graduation and awarding of her teacher’s credential. It was a hell of a vacation. I went with a couple of objectives in mind. Primarily to spend some time with my family, and to celebrate my sister’s achievement. Secondarily, I was hoping to take opportunities to experiment with some social scenarios I don’t normally engage in. In essence, to challenge myself socially. Push my own boundaries and determine how much I’ve grown. Also, how much I am able to push my social battery limits. Both missions were successful, however I did have an optional side quest I was unable to check off. More on that later in a future post.
Takeaways
So what did I learn? Well, family is a funny thing, and people are very proud of the relationships they have created. Humans are social creatures, right? They thrive off other human interactions, right? Well most people do, I do only sometimes. As I’ve discussed in previous posts, I find it tremendously difficult to engage with others when I am not mentally prepared for it. By mentally prepared, I mean, that I have the energy capacity and will to exchange with others. If either of those elements is not present, James is going to be a tough cookie to crack.
Family
The family was great. We had a few very nice dinners and took a few pictures with my sister all gown-ed up. I haven’t spoken deeply on my family before on this blog but I think it’s due time.
Born second of three to a set of two hard working parents. My middle child syndrome was felt fairly often. My grandma would be responsible for getting me and my two sisters to and from school every day, driving us in her blue ford Tarus bumping oldies. My older sister had great academic potential but was stifled but a few learning disabilities that she overcame through therapy. My younger sister was a social butterfly that enjoyed getting into trouble. Both my parents and grandmother recognized early on that I was a “mostly” easy case. Not that interested in breaking the rules, gifted in school which allowed me to skate by unassisted. This afforded me the opportunity to run my own show. By 13 I was working a steady soccer reffing job on the weekends, and when I hit 16, my license to drive became a gateway to freedom that moved me even farther from reliance on my family. What I didn’t know at the time was just how this fiercely independent boy would grow up to build complete self reliance, but would harbor trauma from his glass childhood.
I love my family, but that doesn’t mean I enjoy spending much time with them. I appreciate all that my parents, grandmother, and sisters did for me throughout childhood, but I became an adult much too young. That adult I became, he wasn’t a family guy. He wasn’t a friends guy. He didn’t really give a shit about forming relationships because his entire upbringing was a trial in self sufficiency and intentional isolation. This wasn’t “forced” onto me per se, I just knew I had an opportunity to alleviate some of the struggles that my family was having by just not being a problem. By getting out of the way, and laying low, I wasn’t a burden to the family. It was my opportunity to save them the stress. Let’s just say that hasn’t resulted in a fully functioning adult. The trauma of growing up on my own with little support from my family has ingrained into me a few dysfunctional behavior patterns that are hard to undo. We are working on them in therapy, wish me luck.
Friends
On the trip I met a bunch of new people and made a few friends. Over the week I spoke in depth with over a dozen unique beautiful humans. Half of them were friends of my sister, the other half were complete randoms. Whether it was going to a underground speakeasy jazz bar, or bumping into people on a hiking trail, there were countless human interactions that challenged me to socialize and got me thinking. I wrote a post a little while back about an opening for friends, a help wanted. In that post I discussed what kind of people are my people, my true kin. From all of the people I met this week, one stand out in particular. A woman I met while hiking a beachside trail named Michele. Something about the way we connected felt so genuine and wholesome. Her spirit was of the same nature as mine, it felt. I was kicking myself after we parted ways for not getting her number or asking her to hang out more, but I’m treating that as a lesson to be more forward and opportunistic when I find those people. Something about her felt so right, like we could truly get along. Next time I won’t let that opportunity pass without getting contact information.
There seems to be a social formula people follow when they meet someone new. Step 1: fraternize and find commonalty, Step 2: trade names and touch, Step 3: dive deeper, Step 4: trade contacts, Step 5: Enjoy each others company. There is something about the pace at which that happens, or the phase transfers that intrigue me. Let me break down my thoughts on each of the stages and the transitions.
Step 1: fraternize and find commonalty
Wherever you are meeting this new random person, there is likely already some common ground to stand-on, leverage that to built rapport. Are you in a jazz club, what kind of jazz do they like? Are you on a trail, ask them how it compares to other hikes they’ve taken recently. This is why one of the most common questions I’ve heard as an opener is, “Do you come here often?” It’s a nice ice breaker that draws upon that commonality of environment. It doesn’t have to be the environment that you connect on first, it could be something else completely random. One thing I like to do is find something unique about them from their clothes/style/outwardly expressed persona and ask them about it. To be honest though, the hard part of this stage isn’t finding the thing of commonality, it is working up the nerve to say hello in the first place. It may sounds silly, but that initial hello is non-trivial. It takes courage to talk with random people, and sometimes I don’t have that courage. It might be something related to rejection avoidance. To be honest, the method I’ve adopted is to to look at them, smile, wave, say hi/hello/yo. That progression of human to human acknowledgement and greeting is simple and effective.
Step 2: trade names and touch
People have names, and getting a person’s name is a priority if you intend on becoming their friend. I very much enjoy getting to know people’s names, they are so fun and unique in their own right that it makes the process of learning and using their name that much more engaging. When I meet someone and get their name, 9 times out of 10 I will spell it for them, or ask them to spell it for me, so that I may lock it into my memory. It’s a very house bunny style of learning names. Spelling and pronunciation are key. The funny part about this stage is the trade and the timing. Many very successful extroverts I’ve studied go straight to the name then work to find commonality, I haven’t decided if that is better or not, but it’s one way to do it. There are two different ways that this trade can take place, either an asking of their name, an offering of yours. Not sure which is best yet, but they both seem to work fine. The most important part of this stage, however, is the physical connection. Men will often offer their hand first then give their name after a shake. Women no different, however sometimes it will be a hug. I very much appreciate this custom, but it is a challenge for me as I’ve already discussed in a prior post. A funny side note here is the different ways of which people offer first touch. The good ole fashioned shake, a lowkey fistbump, a highkey dab, or some other strange variant or combination. This is the part where I say that I need to get better at dabbing people up, because I like that one best, lmao. Even though it is a simple gesture, the interlocking of hands brings souls closer together. Our hands are probably our most utilized tools, so the sharing of touch of hands is very intimate. It makes sense that the trading of touch and names goes hand in hand.
Step 3: dive deeper
This is where things get interesting. Now that you have the person’s name, you’ve made your physical contact, and you are standing on common ground, you can learn about them on a deeper level. This stage is a green field open opportunity space. My favorite place to take conversation t this stage is passions and dreams. This is my personal favorite stage, probably because I love learning about people and find their interests extremely entertaining and engaging. Learning something new is fantastic, learning something new from someone new is even more thrilling. Sometimes keeping the conversation flowing can be a challenge. Some people are naturally good conversationalists, others have difficulty. Some people talk to much about themselves, or ask too much about the other person. Other people are short and uninterested, or sometimes just plain uninteresting. Boring people exist, no hate though, sometimes I wish for a boring life. It is usually at this point that you figure out whether or not this person is your kin, if you haven’t been able to determine that already. Not only will you be able to determine their kinship status, but you should also at this point determine their intentions. Are they talking to you to be friendly, or just to not be rude? Are they flirting, with romantic intentions, or for fun? This vibe check is ey to progress onto the next stage.
Step 4: trade contacts
Is they pas the vibe check proceed immediately to a trade of contacts. In the modern world people will often ask for your socials. Most commonly with my generation it is Instagram, very rarely snapchat or Facebook. If not socials, numbers. When I met Abraham at the jazz bar he was shocked to learn I didn’t have social media yet was delighted to take down my blog url. No numbers exchanged, but contacts, or should I say the ability to contact each other in the future, was transferred. I NEED to get better at this stage. Asking a person for their number is seriously no big deal. The risk to return is negligible. The risk is they say no and you never talk to them again, which, whatever. You probably just read the vibe check wrong earlier or they just don’t care enough, which is all good! But the return is you just earned social currency. You’ve earned a friend willing to speak with you again in the future. That’s not something to undervalue. You have no idea how fruitful that relationship can become in the future, it may even unlock additional friendships or even better additional experiences! Seriously, trading contacts is a big win-won scenario. Similar to trading names, there are a couple ways to facilitate this. You offer your number or you request theirs. Getting their number is probably the better power move but realistically it should be a transaction. So ensure that both parties have access to future communications if they desire it.
Step 5: enjoy each others company
Finally, when all formalities are out of the way, you are left with one final step that could vary greatly in duration and intensity. Enjoying one another’s company is a beautiful reward for working through the prior steps. Granted, ideally you’ve already been enjoying the company, but this is when the true fruits of the labor come to harvest. Sharing memories, sharing food or drink, sharing knowledge, sharing fun, are all one thing, sharing love. Soak up all of it. Love is a drug best taken regularly. Prescribed by people, distributed and dispensed by people, and universally appreciated by people. No other feeling in the world is better.
The Value People Place on Relationships
Something that I noticed many times over throughout the week was just how much people value the relationships they have. At first it felt like people were so proud of their friendships, like they earned them and thus were inherently valuable. It felt that friendships were a type of social currency, and if you had many friends you were rich, with less friends you were poor. I still haven’t completely understood this phenomenon, but it makes sense now why people are so devastated when they lose their friendships. Strange but understandable.
As I went about executing on the steps when meeting the dozen or so people this week, there were times where I faltered. Whether I failed to get someone’s contact info, or didn’t get past the first step. These instances are not failures, they are learning opportunities. Which each new person I meet, I learn better and better how to engage and connect with them. Not every interaction needs to get all the way to step 5, and not every interaction needs to go through each of the steps for it to be successful. At the end of the day, what matters most is that you were doing what humans do, being a social creature.
Now it’s important to give yourself some allowance to not always make every interaction so detailed. When your social battery is depleted, sometimes just a simple head nod acknowledgement is all you can muster. That is okay. Don’t force the conversation if it’s not on. Figure out what the signs of social battery depletion are. For me, it feels like an ick. Some gross feeling where I just can’t stand to hear anybody’s voice, or look at anybody’s face, or touch anybody. It sounds dumb, but I know my battery is out when I just straight up don’t want to be there. I’ll be tired, cranky, annoyed and distant. Forgiving yourself for not being able to engage so deeply from that point forward will get easier over time. The most important thing to remember is to honor your feelings. Recharging the battery is also an important task to master. For me that means explicit solitude and the complete removal of yourself from any social engagement.
Human Kind as a Social Animal … but Not Everybody is Extroverted
I am introverted, I’m not sure If I was always like that, but I know that now. I used to think I was an anti-social extrovert, but now I know I am a social introvert. Capable of engaging others, but at a high energy cost. People love to be around me, and I love to be around people, but the right people in the right circumstances with the right amount of energy reserves to handle it.
Record and Review 5: Boomerang
Back at it again with another Record and Review. Some new things I’ve noticed is posture and how often I clap lol. Like, wtf am I clapping for haha.
I will see about those in the future. Still working on filler words and the runon sentences randomly joined with ands or buts.
People are Gross
Recently I’ve been playing with the idea of doing more speaking forward posts. Instead of writing something then reading it out, I would just speak from the heart and see what I could get out. Like a podcast or stream of consciousness type of thing. Let’s see where it goes, might be a fun way for me to work on my speaking and idea processing simultaneously.
First go: People are Gross
Record and Review 4: The Book is Alive
Was focusing on filler words and the excessive use of segue words. Think I’ve done fairly well, very few uses in recent memory. Let’s do one more week to really solidify.
Help Wanted: A Friend for James
What does it mean to be a friend?
Not often do I get tripped up by specific words. ‘Friend’ happens to be one of those. I mean, what is a friend anyway? What’s the point? Someone to commiserate with whist navigating the oceans of life? A helping hand to lend a compass or map when you lose your way? A person to guide the path in the darkness of night and it’s a new moon? Someone to rescue you when the waves get choppy and you capsize?
All these things. An ally, a mentor, a lifeline. Friends serve a great purpose in one’s life. To go without friends is to play life on hard mode. Life’s hard enough, why choose to make it any harder on yourself going it alone?
There is no shame in getting help
Arnold once said, “there is no such thing as a self made man”. Each and every one of us has taken advantage of the support of another at some point in our lives. To say you haven’t is a lie. There’s no shame in getting help from another person.
Can you love a friend?
I used to think ‘love’ was a term that is reserved for a significant other. My definition of love was to put another above yourself. That may not be the best definition, I’m sure mirriam webster would have something to say about it. In fact, let’s find out. — They’ve got two definitions that sound pretty fair: “strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties” and “warm attachment, enthusiasm, or devotion”. I don’t know about you, but those both sound like they can be attributed to friends as well as lovers. So then why is saying I love you to a friend feel odd? Or is that just me?
Friends stick together
You know what I find kind of funny? After speaking with many friends on the matter, it seems like a lot of people can come and go in your life, but friends are often the people who stick around longest. Friends and Family, right? Too bad I don’t really feel like I have a great amount of either of those. What the fucks the matter with me?
It’s getting old
Not sure if it’s toxic masculinity or my autism but I’ve chosen a life of most resistance. I’ve unintentionally distanced myself from family, and more or less refused to build many friendships. Living life on hard mode is getting really fucking old. I’m tired grandpa. Keep digging!
Let’s go get some friends James, but first, it might be a good idea to figure out what sort of people can even be your friend. What traits made a good friend for you? What do you need to do in order to gladly accept the friendship and help it grow?
What does it mean to be my friend?
The criteria for a friend of mine are ‘simple’. Be a good person, be passionate about something important, be curious about learning, and enjoy doing things that I enjoy doing. That’s pretty much it, I think. Shouldn’t be so hard finding those people right? Eh.
Making Friends
Let’s think about how to do it. Perhaps, do things that you enjoy, engage with the people around you, make a connection and begin a dialog? Shit, why does that sound exactly like the plot to dating? For some reason though, it sounds easier than dating. Hmm. Perhaps because I don’t want to fuck my friends, like some people do?
Keeping Friends
Well if that job description is simple enough, and the recruitment process is straightforward, where are all the new hires? Oh, there’s actually more to it? I need to develop the relationship? How the hell am I supposed to do that? Something something give and take, something something reasonable expectations, something something understanding we all are living our own lives. Am I sociopathic? Is it really all just quid pro quo? Or is there a piece of it I’m missing? Do others expect something from me just as I expect something from them? I can imagine some people expect nothing more than presence, whereas some might be more demanding. I think I prefer those who are less demanding. Can we all just be chill, please?
Also what if I have to fire one of my friends because they aren’t being chill? Jesus does that sounds not fun. How many friends can I even manage? No fucking clue. Guess it depends on how much time they request of me. Balance will be key, huh. I’m a low key dude and I need some low key friends, high key. I’m definitely overthinking this.
Letting them in
One last thought though, how much do I let them know of me? I can be a lot. I don’t what them quitting on me, or firing me. Is it something that just gets sorted out? Like, buddy, it’s your 30day review and you’ve hung out with me once and that’s just not cutting it, sooo… you’re fired. Yeah I think I’m a sociopath forsure. I mean, who the fuck thinks of friendships like this?
Only one way to find out
Whatever, I’m overcomplicating it, go figure. Probably best to just follow the old Alma Mater motto, learn by doing. I’ll keep these concepts in mind, but there really is no better way to figure shit out then by trying and failing many times over huh?
Lastly, who the fuck would want to be my friend anyway? Presumably someone just as fucked up as me. They exist… probably. Just gotta go find them. Should I make flyers? Help Wanted: A Friend for James
Record and Review 3: Overcoming Procrastination
Was a bit late on this week’s iteration of Record and Review. The days are getting longer and I’ve found myself staying out late driving the sunset road when I should probably be settling in for the night. I’ll get it sorted. Anyway, for this week we were still working on filler words. I have noticed a slight improvement, but still catch myself saying, “you know”, “like”, “um”, and “but um” enough for me to feel the need to continue addressing them. One thing I’ve also started noticing is that I will segue from one sentence or topic to another really fast. Like, without a space between my sentences. Either that, or I’ll splice them together with an “and” where totally unnecessary. So for the upcoming week I’d like to watch out for those as well.
I also subconsciously have been working on eye contact with people and the camera, so let’s add that to the list of needs improvement. Working on it! There are a list of other things I’d like to address in the future, like my swaying, or odd hand motions. But let’s cross that bridge when we get there.
Record and Review 2: Procrastinating
Alrighty, we’re back with another Record and Review. This past week I’ve been focusing on minimizing my filler words, specifically, “you know” and “but, um”. It’s funny because I’ve been so much more cognizant of the instances when I say either of those, and others, it’s been almost annoying. I’m kinda glad I’m getting so annoyed by it, because it gives me more fuel to rid them from my speech. After recording this week’s I still said that a few times, so we are going to run it back this next week and focus on filler word removal once again.
I do also want to recognize that I am doing a fairly decent job with hand motions. But need to also think about my eye contact. This is of course a camera recording me, but I really want to start looking at the camera and pretending it is a person. Over the past week I’ve spoken with a number of strangers and the hardest park was actually looking at them. Talking to them was coming fairly easy, but looking at them, for some reason, is harder. I know why, but we gotta get over that.
Here is Record and Review 2: Procrastinating
P.S. I fricken better get those todos done by next week.
Songs of the Season – Early Spring
Two thoughts. First, I’ve come to appreciate that some gears in my brain don’t turn the same direction as they do in others’. Something I’ve noticed is that I’ll latch onto certain songs for spans of time then play them non-stop, day after day, until a new song takes it’s place. Every so often, multiple songs will be in rotation. Second, those spans of time are like seasons of my soul. From Winter to Spring, Spring to Summer, Summer to Autumn, and Autumn to Winter. My life will cycle through ups and downs. These songs play a score of those seasons. Right now, its early Spring. It’s raining, but warming up. The Winter we just left was a particularly dark and cold one, but the promise of a bright Summer full of flourishing flowers keeps moving me forward. “I’m not going to let myself down.”
These are the songs of the season, definitely in a most particular order…
First Song of the Season
Another Star by Stevie Wonder. Winter chill remains. Stevie is a well know lover boy, but this one strays away from his usual ballads and touches on a topic unfortunately dear to me this Spring. “For you, there might be another star. For you, there might be another song. For you, love might be for you to find. But I will celebrate our love of yesterday.”
Second Songs
Runaway by Del Shannon and Runaway by Kanye West. Storms are rolling in, rain and thunder on the horizon. These share a title, and a story, but told from two separate perspectives. The coin is the same, but every time you flip it, the result is heads or tails. “Tears are falling and I feel a pain. I wonder… Why?” “I don’t know how I’ll manage, if one day you just up and leave.” “I think it’s time for us to have a toast.”
Third Song of the Season
Forgive Them Father by Lauryn Hill. As the violins of Runaway’s outro play, storms violently ravage the soul. Forgive Them Father is the storm breaking, grounds flooded, trees snapped by lightening strike. Air warmed by the first sign of sunlight. Spring follows Winter, destruction begets growth. “And you never suppose it’s those who are closest to you.” “Everyday people, they lie to God too. So, what makes you think, that they won’t lie to you?”
Forth and Final Song of the Season
Walkin by Denzel Curry. As the sun continues to warm the ground, shades of green show the first sign of new life. Growth is no longer a hope on the horizon, it’s here. So long as time moves on, as it always will, the flowers of Spring will sprout anew. “Walking with my back to the sun, keep my head to the sky” “I’m killing off my demons because my soul’s worth redeeming.” “Went through a lot of shit in the last year, then I said fuck it, I’m going to handle my business” “I just got to stay focused, I just got to keep walking.”
Mindfulness and Emotional Intelligence
Sense
Take a moment right now to stop what you are doing and look around. Notice anything special? It might be a person or pet that you love, it may be the leaves on the trees or the flowers in the meadow. Listen in too, what do you hear? Can you hear the sound of cars? Perhaps an airplane passing overhead? Is the neighbor out mowing their lawn again for the second time this week? What about touch? Are you holding onto something? Is it smooth or coarse? Warm or cold? What’s it made out of, plastic, metal, flesh? Have you got something to eat or drink? Have some. What does it taste like? Is it pleasant, sweet, perhaps savory? Or does it kick with sour or bitterness? Did you smell it as you brought it to your mouth? Was it agreeable to your senses? Was there balance, or did a particular sense overwhelm the others? Which did you like most, which was most powerful, most compelling?
One of my favorite ice breaker questions is what sense do you find most compelling? Often, people will ask, which is your favorite, or which could you live without. Those are good too. But specifically I want to know which do you find moves you the most inside? Which triggers the strongest reaction. Either good or bad, which sense will make you cry, or smile, most often. Tell me, do you even pay attention until that stimulus registers?
Be Mindful
We spend most of our lives not acknowledging how these things make us feel. We live with constant stimuli arousing and assaulting our senses that so often, we pay them no mind. How unfortunate. They are so special, they deserve more recognition. There was a poster outside of my high school phycology classroom that read “Pay attention to the details”. I never really understood exactly what that meant, not until I was older. My girlfriend in university would always tell me, “stop and smell the flowers”. I love flowers, they’re soft, vibrant, aromatic. Yet, do I stop for each flower I see along the way? No. Why not? Am I too busy, in a hurry for what? Life’s too short to stop and smell all the flowers. But is it? You really don’t even know how short it is until it’s nearly gone anyway. I think, and hear me out on this, I think it’s the opposite. Life is too long not to smell the flowers. Too long not to feel the breeze. I choose to cherish every moment my bare feet step in the sand along the oceanside. Appreciate each and every chirp coming from the birds resting in the tree that shades me temporarily from the suns’ deadly rays. Because life is too long not to pay attention to the details.
Feelings are Truth
We waste so much of our time here on earth doing worthless shit. The complicated nature of humanity has taken away so much of the beauty of life. The system we’ve built will distract you from the truth. The truth that all that is truly real is what you feel. What your senses tell you. What your emotions are signaling to you. That which is so often ignored by adults in our society. How does it make you feel? Do you even know what you feel? I noticed I had that problem a year or two back. I would become emotional and not have a clue what emotion, or really even why. They don’t really teach that shit in school, so how was I supposed to learn? Silly James, Trix are for kids, and most of your learning takes place outside the walls of an institution. I had a teacher recently help me get closer to the truth. Get closer to my feelings. Understand them, appreciate them. Live with them. Not to hide them or hide from them, but to feel them.
James’ Dresser
I built a catalog of these emotions, a diagram that I could lean on to help me map them out. It was something I created, so in a way, it’s my version of Inside Out. It contains all the emotions I know within me as drawers in a dresser. Sometimes when I’m feeling emotional, I open up this drawing and pull out one of those drawers and allow myself to feel that emotion. I will embrace it for a moment, allow it to flush through my system. Then, when I feel like I’ve had enough, I’ll close it. This has allowed me to know what I am feeling, to become more familiar with my body’s response to each emotion.
Know What and Why You Feel
Are you ever uncomfortable? So emotional that you can’t function. That’s not something to be upset about, be fearful of, or pin as wrong in any way. In fact, that’s good. It means you’re still alive. The problem is when you don’t know why you are feeling that way. The emotion isn’t the issue, its the fact that you don’t know what the emotion is, or why you’re feeling it. Take it as a lesson from me, if you may, to build out your catalog. There’s been research and great study into the diverse range of emotions that we humans feel, start there. And learn what signs point in which direction for you when a particular feeling intensifies. Only then should you worry about what to do about them.
What to Do
As far as what to do about them goes, start by believing they’re real. That they deserve your time. That other people experience them as well, and that it is what connects us all as a people. If you don’t like that you are uncomfortable, seek comfort. If you don’t know what what comforts you, figure it out. The next time you feel comfortable, take note. Everybody finds different stimuli appealing, so don’t just listen to what others say helps them, find your own balance. For me, it’s silence, a cool breeze, the sound of my own footsteps beneath me, and a beautiful view. See you on the mountaintop.
Record and Review: Being Alive
Recently, I’ve been thinking about how I communicate. Am I an effective communicator? One thing I’ve noticed is that when I speak, others listen. That is something I’ve notice for a while, but never taken great advantage of. Something tells me that I have a talent that I’ve not fully embraced. An untrained muscle that has perhaps atrophied. Or even worse, been trained incorrectly. Today, and with this post, I start the process of training that muscle better. More consciously addressing my inefficiencies and opportunities to improve. A few days back I listened to a podcast with a vocal coach recommending that if others wanted to improve their speech patterns they should record and review themselves to identify those antipatterns. Here is my first edition of what will become a weekly video log of myself discussing small topics of importance to me. It will count not only as a post on my psyche, but I will be using it to analyze and conquer some of the vocal patterns I wish to grow out of, and even a few to grow in to. (Think filler words removal, introduction of pausing, voice inflection, volume modification, hand gestures, that tight type of ish). I will document what I focused on improving in each weekly post, you can tell me how I’ve done.
In this video I discuss a song that was recommended to me.
And of course, here is the link to my first Record and Review
Also, here’s my rendition of Being Alive if you want to bleed out of your ears. Caution, bad, terribly bad, singing. I do not intend on getting better at that, just thought fuck it, why not post this too.
Other People Are Real?
It Started From a Young Age
Living is hard, I think we all know that. But do you want to know what’s harder? Living with the knowledge that everybody else is living, and that they are having it just as hard. When I was a young boy in the late years of elementary school I found myself reading the newspaper, eating my cheerios or eggs in the morning. First off, what the hell was a 12 year old doing reading the newspaper, second off, newspaper? Do we all still remember what that is? Anyway, would you like to know what section I was reading? It wasn’t the Classifieds or the Periodicals, it was the World News section. I’d sit there pondering the impacts of the Iraq War or the implications of the appending global financial crisis. Let me remind you, I was a pre-teen concerning himself with the lives of others in a way I don’t imagine many adults even do. Why? Did I really care about those peoples’ lives? To be honest, I’m not quite sure. What I do know is that the world was opening up to everybody with the appending proliferation of social media and internet-ification of everything. And I was paying attention, listening, reading, trying to understand what was about to happen, or was already happening, to people all over the world. I’m not sure it was a good idea. What I learned wasn’t to my enjoyment. I learned very quickly that the world is a tremendously complicated and challenging arena. All over, people are hustling and many-a-time, struggling for their lives. It hurt me to learn this, it hurt to read. When I got access to the internet only a few years later, my eyes were opened even wider to the truth. People can be cruel, the society we live in is ruthless. Those Disney movies were fucking lying to me. I didn’t know it then, but I started building coping mechanisms to counter the internalization of others’ pain. One way in which this happened was the selectiveness for which I touched others. Physical contact made it real. The closer I got to people the more I realized their pain, I felt it. So my best course of action was to stay distant.
I Couldn’t Handle It
Do you know what an NPC is? If you don’t, good for you, you must not have spent your life engrossed in video games like I have. It stands for Non-Player Character and it is a term given to the programmed characters you interact with in whilst you work your way through the in game missions. They give you quests, they accompany you on the story line, and often times, they exist in the game solely to interact with you. I feel like I’ve spent a good chunk of my life pretending that I’m the main character in a video game, and everybody else is an NPC. It’s a meme you’ll see on reddit or other semi-deplorable internet forums that people walking down the street, minding their own business, are “NPCs”. It gives “I’m the main character” kind of vibes. For most people I think they do this subconsciously, live their lives with little consideration for others. I think I’ve done this consciously. I have a hard time looking at people. I have a hard time talking to people. I have an incredibly hard time having physical contact with people. This all comes down to the simple fact that the closer I get, the more I realize that they are real. I can’t handle that fact. Not because I’ve got some weird complex, but because it’s overwhelming. The weight of realization of an individual’s balance along the tightrope of life gives me unbearable anxiety. I can realistically only handle being close with a couple of people in my life. I’m not sure if that makes me selfish or shallow, but I know it makes me sad. I wish I could connect more with people without this anxiety crippling me so.
What Can I Do?
I see people all around me making friends and being jolly with each other and I can’t relate. I prefer to be alone, unbothered, unconcerned. I honestly don’t understand how people can maintain so many friendships without bearing a burden of the uncomfortable realization that the other person is real. The depth of a human being is deep. I don’t like swimming in water I can’t see or touch the bottom of. I’m the same way with people, and I can only hold my breath for so long. How can I overcome this trained avoidance? What steps do I take to rethink and reprogram the way that I am. To feel more comfortable accepting the burden of others company? I’m not sure just yet. I’ve started looking at people in the face when I walk by them on the trail. I’ve begun having conversations with strangers in the park to give me exposure therapy. I’ve gone so far as to find places that people go to, and be present in those places, so that I can have the opportunity to interact with another human. I know this may sound totally strange to any normal person, but I’m certainly not one of those. To me, this is a challenge I give myself. To face my fear of interaction. I want to help people, but I don’t want to feel their pain? That’s not fair. And I know life is not all pain and suffering, I’m working on seeing the good and the bad. But I can’t look past the bad yet, I’ve got to look it right in the eye. I need to stop being afraid. Life is worth living, unafraid. Perhaps the perspective that I should take is that these people can help me carry the burden… Together, we all live, suffer, thrive…
Book Review: Snow Crash, Anxious People, Lighter
New Beginnings
I’ve started a new hobby, reading. I know a couple of people who would be shouting immediately how impossible that must be, due to the fact that I don’t know how to read. Jokes on them, I read at a 7th grade level just fine thank you very much. Since the new year I made a sort of resolution to read cover to cover any book that gets recommended to me. We shall see how that works out. So far it’s been an absolute blast. I’ve read three books in the past three months and they have been fantastic. Let me tell you a bit about each of them!
Snow Crash
First, Snow Crash. My colleague handed me a book just before I was going away for Christmas holiday and told me, “read this, it’s apparently where Zuck got the idea for the metaverse”. I could see what he meant. It was a cool, futuristic sci-fi book grounded in some reality. It took place in my home state, but in a future I partially hope doesn’t become a reality. I liked a few things about the book, it had great character reveals and backstories. The details imbued into the environment were incredibly descript, and bleak might I add. Some of the technologies described in the book are already well on their way to fruition, others, I can’t wait to become reality some day (such as the super high-tech skateboards). It was a fun, light-hearted read that got my reading gears turning again. While I was reading in the airport, an older gentleman came up to me asking for my take on the book. He hadn’t heard of it before, but was marveling at the fact that someone from my generation was reading a physical book. I suppose he couldn’t help himself but to connect with another reader 30 years his junior. There is one part in the book I didn’t thoroughly enjoy, similar to that one part in Pulp Fiction, the unneeded part. I mean, what is up with this newfound craze around smut, I don’t get it. I’ll just leave it at that.
Anxious People
Second, Anxious People. Another work colleague recommended me this book. I had just gotten done telling them of my recent divorce and they excitedly pitched me this book. I’m still not sure if that was intentional pain infliction or just happenstance. Either way, this book rocked me to the core. I was absolutely not ready for the depth of story provided within this novel. I can’t count on my fingers just how many times I had to put the book down to cry, somewhere near a dozen. This story recapped a bank robbery gone wrong, and how it touched the lives of a group of people. Many things about this book were beautiful, namely the different interwoven stories and personalities of the people. I could resonate with each of the people for different reasons, and that was a fun introspective look into myself. Not sure if I would call this one a happy story or not. It ended with a note about suicide prevention, and that sent me. Let’s just say I had that number already in my “recently dialed”. Loved the book though, absolute right time and right place in my life for it.
Lighter
Third, Lighter. This book, this book. Helped me a ton. I’m still working on fully understanding the impacts that it has had and will have on me in my current moment. It’s a self help book directed at supporting the reader better understand how to self-love, and take care of themselves and their emotions. TBH it’s a therapy session just reading through it, actually like a month’s worth of therapy sessions. Especially if you take the time to reflect on the teaching throughout. I took many breaks while working through the chapters to internalize the message. Below are a bunch of quotes I took note of, I’ll let them be just on their own. But my hope is that I’ll come back to these quotes in the future whenever I need some direction.
Lighter Quotes:
“I discovered that the appreciation you seek from others will not hold the same rejuvenating power as the appreciation, attention, and kindness you can give yourself.”
“Others understood self-love as putting yourself first at all costs. It makes sense that many would embrace this understanding of self-love because too many of us live our lives for others and fall into cycles of people-pleasing without taking the time to properly take care of ourselves.”
“The best way to be prepared for the long journey is to move through the ups and downs with self-acceptance.”
“Healing begins with the willingness to become an explorer, to enter the vast inner forest that exists within your being, using your awareness as the light that shows you the way.”
“When you are able to see yourself clearly, you awaken your true inner power.”
“The ability to see yourself as you move through the ups and downs of life, without running away or suppressing your feelings, enhances your understanding of yourself.”
“Finding the balance where you can be honest about what you are feeling and not allow a temporary emotion to take total control of your actions can help you better handle the unexpected changes of life.”
“Life is never that simple. The missing piece of that puzzle is that life will continue to be difficult and you will block yourself from enjoying good things if you never deal with the heaviness of your mind and the fear that clutters your heart.”
“Healing will not only improve your life, but it will open the door for good things to come to you because the quality of your mind determines the quality of your life.”
“Leaving things to the whim of hope or simply waiting for things to come to you is a passive approach to life that does not yield great results. A big part of healing yourself effectively is taking responsibility for your patterns. Even though the trauma or hurt you went through, which fueled these patterns, was not your fault—especially if you were a child when it happened—the healing of these patterns can only be done by you.”
“Our ego likes to place blame outside ourselves, and often that blame falls on those closest to us.”
“Holding on is a survival tactic born out of fear and scarcity. Fear is the craving for safety. A mind that is dominated by fear is a mind that is still in survival mode.”
“Reaction creates the fire of a tumultuous mind and then continuously feeds that fire, making it hotter and all-encompassing.”
““If you can sum up in one word what you are learning in this life, what would it be?” It was something I had been thinking about a lot, so the answer came quickly: impermanence.”
“When you fail to embrace change, a great moment actually loses its vibrancy because too quickly the mind starts to feel anxiety about it ending. Similarly, hard moments feel like endless punishment because change has not brought the mind into balance with the understanding that they, too, will eventually end.”
“This is especially true when it comes to the people we love, as that love is often tangled up with attachments. We crave for our loved ones to live their lives in certain ways and make decisions that align with how we would decide things for ourselves. The love we have for dear ones is often tarnished by an inner push to control them, even when we know that real love is supporting their freedom.”
“There is nothing passive or cold about letting go—it actually helps you live a much more active life, except that now you are living in alignment with the truth of impermanence. Yes, there are things and people you love, but they are always changing. They will be with you for some time, and eventually they, too, will be gone, just like everything else.”
“If you are seeking to reclaim your power, one of the essential steps is realizing how much of your power you have given up to the hurt of the past and your fears of the future.”
“If you want to attain something great, you need to be ready for the long journey and able to adjust your strategy along the way.”
“Everyone has the innate capacity to enter into a transformative process to free themselves of behavior that harms others and stop the patterns that do not serve their personal well-being.”
“If you continuously reject what you feel, the emotions you ignore will actually harden in your mind and make the turbulent feelings you are trying to avoid more prominent.”
“The greatest gift partners can give each other is a continuous commitment to their own personal healing.”
“Heartbreak and endings always point to how valuable self-love really is. When self-love is missing from within us, it will negatively affect our connections. If we empower the love that already exists within us, it can flourish and make us feel much more whole than partnership ever can. True wholeness comes from within us.”
“When we build a home within ourselves, furnished with emotional maturity and constructed on a foundation of self-awareness, we are actually setting ourselves up for future success whenever we decide to open our heart again to another person.”
“Even if you try to forget those struggles, what goes unprocessed will reveal itself in your actions, words, and thoughts. If you let your past rule you, it will be difficult to love others well in the present.”
“To reach deeper levels of love and unity, you have to take the path of honesty with yourself and those around you. If you really want to be with someone, it means there is no more space for running or lying. A synonym for love is truth.”
“When you feel a lot of agitation, you need to be aware that your mind will look for objects (people, ideas, or situations) to focus on so that it can further increase the agitation. Tension needs fuel to burn, and that fuel is normally the attachments that keep the mind from fully accepting the present moment as it is.”
“If you want to live in a way that supports your freedom, you have no other option but to let go.”
“Let go of who you thought you were and embrace the river of change flowing through every moving part that creates the perception of you: Only then will wisdom introduce you to freedom.”
“Good people who uphold great values and want to see positive change in the world are often thwarted by their own unhealed pain and reactive patterns.”
“Even if you think about it in terms of social movements and revolutions, once the oppressed acquire power, they often take revenge on those who once oppressed them in the name of justice. Justice is too easily confused with revenge. Harming those who have once harmed you generates a cycle of violence and simply creates more resentful people who may seek revenge on you at a future time.”
“There is nothing wrong with making it your mission to help others, but do not use it to escape whatever is happening inside of you.”
What is your worth?
Think Back
For the past couple of weeks I’ve been working to better understand myself, specifically around my conceptualization of what a person is worth. When I was very young, one of my first profound thoughts was, “What is anything worth?”, “How can water be free from a faucet, yet alcohol $100 a bottle?” Of course, back then I had no idea just how tantalizing a great scotch is, nor did I fully appreciate the societal need to get blasted on the reg to cover up pain and internal struggle. Anyway… recently I’ve been revisiting this idea, but honing it specifically on what is a human’s worth. How do we derive value in life? This hasn’t been the first time I’ve dueled with this thought, and I’m sure it won’t be the last. It changes so often over our lives that no single answer is correct, no point in time assessment gives justice to the question.
What my problem is now, is that I’m wrong about what I believe is the answer. Okay, I might not be wrong per se, but I’m not right, at least not completely. Currently, my brain says to myself, “your value is determined upon the utility you bring to this earth”. Essentially, how well you serve yourself and others is how valuable you are. My therapist says this is a dangerous way to value a life exclusively… she’s right. After all, who am I aiming to please? My employer? God? Like, what a silly thought that MY value is actually determined from another’s perspective of me, or my contributions.
Aside
As an aside, one concept that I’ve unfortunately ingrained into my head is that my failures define who I am. On the flip side, for some reason, my successes don’t. Hmm. I think it’s pretty obvious something is wrong about that, probably a couple of things. First, your successes mean something. Second, your failures and successes are not you. You are not your failures nor are you your successes. They are simply something that occurs. You may have caused them, or maybe not, but either way, they are not your personality. They don’t define your being any more than the job you have at the moment. “You’re not your fucking Khakis”. So what are you? What are you worth? What is your worth?
Think
I’ve spoken to a number of my “people” and we’ve gone back and forth between what they think, what I think, and what could be. I’ve learned through these conversations that my current position is not the entire picture I ought to be looking at. What I thought before about the utility of man is maybe just half the equation. I was stuck in an extrinsic-exclusive mentality. Judging one solely on their output pays no mind to the input, nor the black box of themselves much at all. Shit, I might as well have only been looking at a third of the equation. So what about the inputs and black box then? How do we grade those to get a fuller picture of an individual’s value?
Behind door number 1, the inputs. I read a quote recently from a lovely book (review landing shortly). “People who have experienced deep suffering and are still gentle with others do not get enough credit”. Some people have it so damn easy in life, and they treat people like shit, or output nothing of great utility. Others will endure the most horrendous hardships, be born with debilitating ailments, be disadvantaged beyond comprehension, yet still achieve fantastic outcomes in life. I mean, some of the greatest people in our generation have been disadvantaged with poverty, abuse, or disability, yet still deliver undeniable beauty in art, sport, engineering or business. Doesn’t that stand for something? Shouldn’t that mean something in terms of their value? I’d wager it means their worth is even greater. To start from negative and go to positive? That’s value. It’s not easy to measure, but it could possibly be named: Determination? Will-power? Something like that, I guess. The end to end change one creates in themselves and others cannot be overlooked. What should we call this derivative of a person’s life, the change in value? I’d rather not get all mathematician up in here and give it an exponent, but rather choose a name. Growth?
What about door number 2? The black box, what’s behind door number 2? A BRAND NEW CAR!!! No. It’s actually better. It’s the machine behind the curtain, the motive behind the man. It’s the drive. The love, passion, curiosity, and wholesomeness of the person. Can you tell by talking to somebody for a few minutes whether or not they have a golden soul? Maybe you can tell within a few breaths. You watch someone as they yield right of way on the road to a pedestrian, give up their seat on the tram to the pregnant woman or elderly. Manners maketh man, but I’m not just talking about manners. I’m talking about the pureness of one’s self. Are you a good person? I’d like to think most people would say yes to that question. But how good of a person are you? Have you wronged others before, have you made those wrongs right again? Not easy to define objectively, is it? Even harder then inputs and outputs I reckon. Without a doubt, though, there is a spectrum of good and bad people. I don’t really love using the terms good and bad in this context, but simplicity in my heart says those words work just fine. Other words like pure or wholesome just don’t cut it for me right now. TBD on a better word for this spectrum. Intrinsic value may just be it.
Think Forward
Intrinsic value doesn’t require another person’s judgement. It doesn’t rely on what you do or what has happened to you. Each person in this world gets to chose how they are. With actions and words they can show others. But, their internal holiness is untouchable. Immeasurable by most standards. “I’m going to show you how great I am”, Ali said it best. You are great, and it shows, not the other way around. “You get what you get and you don’t throw a fit”, what should I throw instead? Only you decide that. How great are you? How great am I? What’s my value? I’ll throw wisdom, appreciation, love. Because after all is said and done, I choose to be better and to make the world a better place, regardless of what get’s thrown at me.
1 Year a Homeowner
It’s been one whole year as a homeowner and I couldn’t be happier!
Quitting Social Media
Why?
I made a Facebook account when I was 13, I think it was for some school project. Which is strange because the app wasn’t even around for that long at that point, less than 5 years. I made a Twitter when I was 15, and an Instagram at 16. Snapchat at 17. Now nearing 25, I no longer desire an online presence in that way.
Back then I cared a lot more about what people thought of me. I was young, naive, and wishing to fit in. These apps offered a way to socialize from afar, I wouldn’t need to talk with people or hang out with anyone. My ‘friends’ knew I was cool or funny because I would post a cool or funny post every once in a while. I’ve since changed a lot.
In the past three years I posted on average 2 photos a year, on Instagram which was my favorite of all of them, as I do really enjoy photography. All other applications have laid completely dormant for the duration and more. I simply don’t use them to post, and when I do, I get no satisfaction from others seeing it.
Furthermore, I found myself mindlessly scrolling on each of the apps. Whenever I was bored or taking a shit I would open Insta, look at all the new stuff, open Facebook and do the same, and so on down the line. I found myself numbing my ass on occasion because I had gotten sucked into some endless, pointless scrolling. I don’t want a numb ass, and I certainly don’t want a numb brain. Social media was numbing my brain.
So I deleted it all, actually deleted, no deactivation, straight deletion. And you know what, I could tell the difference immediately. I cried with a sense of relief. I had so simply removed such a negative dependence in my life. By removing myself from this negative externality, I gained back a part of me.
Trepidations
It took a little convincing, I won’t lie. I dwelled on this thought for months. My main objections were three fold:
- I wouldn’t be able to connect with people as easily.
- I wouldn’t get to share/document my life.
- I would lose my rights to @jamescaud.
It took a while for me to reject these pushback points as frivolous fears. But with careful examination, I was able to overcome them with logic and understanding.
First, I don’t really care about all my ‘friends’ on social media. I really don’t. I would use Facebook’s automated birthday notifications to delete people year round, so obviously I don’t really care about all of them. There are a few people I will miss seeing content from, but if I’m being frank, I probably won’t notice. As far as people trying to get into contact with me or vice versa, it’s not like I’ll forget their name, and the internet isn’t going anywhere, so I’m sure they’ll find me or I’ll find them.
Second, I do enjoy sharing. I don’t care if people see it, I mostly enjoy documenting my life as I go through it. Like an internet diary, a blog. Hey what do you know, I have a blog. A neglected blog, granted, but a blog none the less. With social media gone, I do expect to increase my utility of this app. It’s more personalized, and I get to share everything in one place; photos, videos, ideas. And look, a post in 2020 already, not bad! speaking of 2020, jesus fucking christ
Third, and probably the hardest to let go, @jamescaud has now been retired on all platforms except LinkedIn. I didn’t really count that as social media, but hopefully someday i can get rid of that too. This was really hard for me, jamescaud is my brand. And giving up something you have fought hard to solidify is not easy. But at the end of the day, I am jamescaud, these accounts aren’t me, they just describe. Myself and my brand live on through this website and through me. So if someone else comes along and wants to be jamescaud on facebook, I’ll have to tell them they weren’t the first to think of that cool name haha.
So they are gone now. I’ll see you out there in the world. If you ever think of me, just know I’m doing alright, and that I’m happier now.
NTS: Wrapping up 2019
A Year Without Posting
Okay, I know, I’m a piece of shit. I legit didn’t post anything all year long. Hell, the last thing I put up here was mid 2018, so it’s been way longer than just a year. I want to give you an update on where I’m at, and let myself indulge in a bit of self-love through this Note To Self.
Pittsburgh, PA
First and foremost, the biggest thing that happened in my life since last posting is my big move.
I realized only 10 months into my job in San Francisco that there was no future for me there. As much as I loved the city, it was completely unaffordable. Not to mention so many of my hobbies were so difficult to exercise, like hiking and backpacking. I started getting sick of all the concrete.
My company has its main office in Pittsburgh, and when I heard from my boss that ATG would keep my salary the same if I moved, I couldn’t leave town quick enough. I left my apartment, packed my truck to the brim with all the shit I owned, and drove. 2 days and nearly 3,000 miles later, I arrive in PGH, Julia in tow.
With no place lined up, I stayed in an AirBNB for a week to get my bearings, and started looking for an apartment. A fellow SF coworker was thinking of making the move as well, and we decided to try and find a place for us both to share. Going from a nearly $2,000 ~300 square foot apartment in the Tenderloin to a $500 ~1,000 square foot row home 5mins from work; this already was looking like a great idea. I had a roommate, which wasn’t exactly what I wanted, but we maintained civility up until the last month. I could not have been more fortunate to find such a polite and respectful roommate in Oliver, and I’m thoroughly grateful for his cooperation with my often not-so-stable self.
Julia
Julia helped me move in, set up my life in a new place, and begin a new journey. Little did I know at the time, but our journey together was near its end. What a tremendous rollercoaster of a relationship. We were not right for each other, and we knew it. We fought, we wept, we even tried breaking up, just to fall back in love after a week long vacation we had planned together. She offered me so much love and affection, and I soaked it right up. I loved her more than I loved myself. Therein lies the crux. I had fallen into the same mistake as before. I never learned that you can’t have a healthy relationship if you don’t first love yourself.
I neglected time, neglected myself, and the relationship deteriorated into only hardship, so we split. The breakup still weighs a bit heavy on my mind. I really couldn’t believe I had made the same exact mistake as I had with Michele. Only this time was going to be different. I had to learn to love myself, and that had to start with my body.
Biking
I had been eying an abandoned bike in my company’s bike shed for many months preceding the split. The day after, I decided to steal it. I told myself that if anyone came asking, I would glady hand it back over. I rode it everyday, tuned it up, and a few weeks later that someone came asking haha. I returned my stolen good and immediately bought a new, way better bike. I was addicted.
I’d bike 20-30miles a day, honestly fueled by my incendiary self hatred. But it also brought me great joy. I hadn’t rode a bike since I was a young teen, and I must have forgotten how much I loved it. I didn’t stop skating entirely, but I now most definitely favor the pedals to the push.
With a better diet, and the insane miles I was putting in, I ended up losing nearly 30 pounds 190->160. Not to mention how strong I was getting. I rode on streets and bike paths, but by far my favorite rides were on gravel and dirt. I bought bags that strapped to the bike and I soon found myself riding 100s of miles into the wilderness to experience my newfound love: bikepacking.
When I wasn’t out riding in the forests of the northern Appalachian I joined a few group rides in PGH. That’s where I got a bit of a taste of racing, and oh man was I hooked. I signed up for two races, one street then one gravel. Just before the road race I got in a horrific accident where I was destroyed by some jackass motorist. I missed that race, but I healed and was able to ride in the other. Funny story about that race, I also crashed. Instead of breaking myself however, I broke my bike. I got a DNF, and had to get driven to the finish line. What I found when I got there were all the top riders who had already finished. As I bandaged myself I marveled at their strength and vowed that I would finish next year. Someday I will be in contention, but in the meantime, I keep riding.
Home Ownership
As my rental lease was nearing completion, 2 months remained, Oliver and I had a falling out, and I knew it was time for me to move on. I’d been saving up to purchase a home, but wasn’t exactly expecting to be in the predicament I found myself in. I only had a little over a month and a half to find a realtor, tour properties, find a place, put down an offer, than go through the motions of purchase. It was no easy feat, but I knew what I wanted. After touring about 5 houses I found the right place. The perfect size for me, beautifully remodeled, large yard for a garden, fantastic neighborhood, great views, garage for working on my bike, driveway and plenty of parking for my truck, adjacency to the Three Rivers bike trail that takes me to work in 20min, and so many other fantastic pros.
The purchase was a tad stressful, but I’m happy I got the place for so cheap (coupled with a ridiculously low interest rate on my mortgage). I should have it completely paid off in about 6 years! It’s surreal honestly. I’ve found so much enjoyment in fixing up the property, whether it is fixing a wall leak in my shower, converting electrical outlets and panel work, repointing my brick facade, clearing out my jungle of a back yard, or general handy work around the house. I love home ownership, I have the power to do just about whatever the hell I want. Without a doubt, I can see myself living here for a decade. The only thing stopping me is the potential wife and kids down the road. But now that I have worked on this house, and learned so much about what it takes to make a home, I can see myself picking up a few more properties and renting them out. We will see, I kinda also want to build a cabin in the woods. Matter of fact, that sounds way more fun, we’ll see.
Closing
Welp, that’s just about everything I wanna share for now. I have a bunch of biking/house vids that I will upload at some point. Hopefully 2020 will be a year of more posting. Until then, I love you James, keep up the great work. Proud of you.
Homelessness and Gentrification
Charge:
Homelessness is not a choice. There may be a small amount of people who experience homelessness and enjoy it, but the overwhelming majority are suffering. After university I lived out of my truck as I wandered the nation, it was part necessity, part desire — a desire to see and understand the people of my nation, how they live, what they do, and how they think. While out, I experienced some of the common difficulties faced while homeless. Talking to homeless people in parks, libraries or on the streets of San Francisco has opened my eyes to one of the biggest social atrocities affecting our nation: the fundamental lack of a holistic support system for our poorest and most vulnerable citizens.
I’ve been putting off writing this post for so long because of the way it makes me feel. Homelessness is one of the most heart-wrenching, unethical side-effects of wealth inequality. Every time I read more about it, or talk to somebody on the street, I feel a heavy societal guilt. Someday I will do a formal rant on the centuries-old failures of greed and capitalism, but first I need to pay my respects to our neglected communities.
There are two lines of questioning that get asked when I tell people I’m researching homelessness. The first, always asked by non-homeless, starts, “How did they get there?” The second, always asked by homeless people yet rarely by housed, sounds like, “How do we fix it?” I’ll go ahead and answer both in this post. But for future reference, one of those questions is far more important.
Definitions and Statistics:
Homelessness is best defined as the state of an individual without permanent housing who may live on the streets; stay in a shelter, mission, single room occupancy facilities, abandoned building or vehicle; or in any other unstable or non-permanent situation. [Section 330 of the Public Health Service Act (42 U.S.C., 254b)]
Gentrification is a small cause of homelessness I want to touch on because I am unwillingly an accomplice to it in San Francisco. I won’t harp on it too much in this post, but know that it’s a whole ‘nother beast in itself. Here’s the definition: “the process of renewal and rebuilding accompanying the influx of middle-class or affluent people into deteriorating areas that often displaces poorer residents.” [Merriam-Webster]
Chronic
- “Persons most like the stereotyped profile of the “skid-row” homeless, who are likely to be entrenched in the shelter system and for whom shelters are more like long-term housing rather than an emergency arrangement. These individuals are likely to be older, and consist of the “hard-core unemployed”, often suffering from disabilities and substance abuse problems. Yet such persons represent a far smaller proportion of the population compared to the transitionally homeless.”
Transitional
- “Transitionally homeless individuals generally enter the shelter system for only one stay and for a short period. Such persons are likely to be younger, are probably recent members of the precariously housed population and have become homeless because of some catastrophic event, and have been forced to spend a short time in a homeless shelter before making a transition into more stable housing. Over time, transitionally homeless individuals will account for the majority of persons experiencing homelessness given their higher rate of turnover.”
Episodic
- “Those who frequently shuttle in and out of homelessness are known as episodically homeless. They are most likely to be young, but unlike those in transitional homelessness, episodically homeless individuals often are chronically unemployed and experience medical, mental health, and substance abuse problems.”
Size of Homeless Community:
Getting an understanding of the size of this community is difficult because point-in-time counts really don’t capture all stages of homelessness. Individuals hiding away in sub-optimal living spaces like cars can easily be missed. The department of Housing and Urban Development releases a point-in-time count each year for most urban municipalities by walking the streets and accessing shelter numbers. This year was the first year since the housing crash that homelessness rose. The report said 554,000 people were without permanent or adequate residence on a night in January 2017.
However, this count does not show the entire picture. In order to get a more appropriate number, some estimates must be made. From my research I’ve found most sources referencing a number from 1.7 million to 3.5 million. This is the total number of people who experience any stage of homelessness at some time throughout the year. That’s 1% of our entire population. Even though 1% sounds like a small number, I urge you once again to realize the insurmountable suffering endured by these 3,500,000 American human beings. Then, realize that you will probably never understand their immense pain. Then remember that I’m only talking about Americans. Homelessness is not a uniquely American phenomenon.
Overall, the United States ranks fine compared to other civilized nations, but that is for two reasons. First, many other European nations are accepting hundreds of thousands of Syrian refugees that have nowhere else to go because they own nothing. Second, the number we report is bogus. Regardless of the numbers, it’s obvious that we are experiencing a homelessness crisis in America. The main cause for this crisis is due to the way we have historically approached the issue: through a failed plan called homelessness management — more on this later.
Demographics of Homeless Community:
To get a picture of the different types of people experiencing homelessness, I’m going to run through the percentages.
Homelessness disproportionately affects men. Overall, sheltered and unsheltered, men account for 61% of the homeless population. Women account for 29% and less than 1% identify as LGBTQ+. The total unsheltered ratio is even more skewed with 71% being male.
The gender ratio has always been heavier on the male side, but the ratio that has changed recently is the number of young people on the street. In the most recent point-in-time survey it was found out that 33% of homeless people are experiencing homelessness as a family. Young people account for approximately 30% of the homeless population, with 20% aged 0-18 and 10% aged 18-24. These statistics have never been this bad in all of American history; not even the Great Depression matches this unprecedented amount of homeless youth.
More saddening statistics are that 9-13% of the total homeless population are veterans, which has increased in the last few years. Around 25% of homeless are affected by at least one severe mental illness. 38% are dependent on alcohol and 26% addicted to at least one hard drug.
Finally, where are the largest populations of homeless located? Overall, two states stand out the most. California with 26% of the total homeless population and New York with 16%. But there are three main urban localities that account for those numbers: New York City, Los Angeles, and the San Francisco Bay Area.
How did they get there?
This video does an incredible job in quickly highlighting the common ways individuals find themselves entrenched in homelessness. There are many avenues, but the most common are poverty and lack of affordable housing.
Poverty
In 2016, nearly 13% of Americans lived below the poverty line. Growing income inequality and debt have made life difficult for many Americans. It’s no surprise that anybody can fall into homelessness when 62% of Americans have less than $1,000 in their savings account. For those people, living paycheck to paycheck is an unfortunate fact of life. And when you are in that circumstance, costly emergencies, the loss of a job, or the loss of a spouse could spell disaster. Even though unemployment is at its lowest in 18 years at only 3.9%, the quality of life hasn’t really changed. Jobs simply aren’t paying enough. Graduates are finding themselves marginalized and underemployed at a staggering rate. It’s not just young people either, in upwards of 46% of seniors are dependent on social security to pay 90% of their expenses. Anyone is susceptible to homelessness, it just takes one crisis to lose all of your money and hope. Hell, getting a parking ticket, or your car towed can mean you miss your next month’s rent, putting you in danger of eviction.
Affordable Housing
In places like San Francisco and New York City, the two most expensive cities to live in America, affordable and available housing is obviously in short supply. But since the housing crash in 2007, it’s been more than just the urban areas that have been feeling the effect. Renters are at an all time high, and over 25% of households are paying over 50% of their income to housing. The Department of Housing and Urban Development states: families with only one full-time worker making minimum wage can’t afford rent for a two-bedroom market-priced apartment anywhere in the country. Ever since the Reagan administration and the defunding of the Housing and Urban Development department, subsidized contracts to construct and maintain public housing have nearly vanished. And there is no sign of this changing soon.
This is where gentrification comes into play. Large urban areas like the San Francisco Bay Area are booming with highly lucrative industries, mostly due to consistent advancements in technology. These industries attract highly skilled workers from all over the world, and they expect to be paid well for their qualifications. Wealthy landowners and real estate corporations will recognize this influx of highly paid workers and move to revitalize their properties and eventually raise rents. This process forces out long standing residents who may already be living in poverty and cannot afford to pay the new rates. I live in a studio apartment in arguably the roughest district in the city, and the rent is $1,850 a month. You can’t find a place for any less than $1,700 if you tried. Families whose income is less than $60,000 a year (which is the national median) would be paying half of their income just to have a place to stay. This growth is unsustainable, and we are heading towards an inflation disaster. There is no reason for all these companies to be in the same 100 mile radius, and soon I expect to see a max exodus.
Social System Failures
Other factors play a key role in the rise of the homelessness epidemic. Deinstitutionalisation in the late 20th century, an abundance of foster care children with poor, inadequate or lacking families, a criminal justice system which incarcerates and releases with no continued support, the proliferation of cheap and highly addictive street drugs like crack cocaine and meth, veterans returning home from war without adequate support, and the rising costs of health care all contribute to this intractable problem.
One of the most frustrating things I hear when talking to housed individuals is, “Why can’t they just get off their ass and get a job?” As if they know anything about the difficulties these people face. How is someone expected to get a job when they don’t have access to a shower, clean clothes or any modern amenities? Homeless people are more worried about getting robbed, beaten or murdered than the format of their resume. They have to think about whether or not this alcove in a rat infested alleyway is going to provide enough shelter from the elements, not to mention getting something to eat that day, or finding a place to drink clean water and use the restroom.
You can’t even easily qualify for state/federal aid if you don’t have an address to receive it at. The “system” we have in place to support homeless individuals is broken, and actually perpetuates the problem.
How do we fix it?
Homelessness management is a methodology for housing these vulnerable neighbors that enlists temporary shelter housing, coupled with publicly funded hospitals and prisons to get these people off the streets and out of danger every night. And it’s costing the American taxpayer a fortune. Not only that, but it’s not working. Billions of dollars have been spent thanks to the McKinney-Vento grants to aid these support centers, but the numbers haven’t changed. Why? Because there isn’t motivation to create a holistic support system that takes into account all the difficulties faced by these people. We bucket funding into nodes in the network, but nobody seems to realize that in order to make change they need to work together.
A blog post similar to this one by Sam Davis of UC Berkeley highlights this flawed methodology and known working alternatives. The one thing that absolutely improves the quality of life for these individuals is a notion called ‘housing first’. The idea is: in order for progress to be made in a homeless person’s life, their main struggles need to be provided for. As I mentioned earlier, homeless people are not worried about going to the doctor or getting sober. Their primary concern on a day-to-day basis is where can they get food, water, shelter and safety. Their lives are exclusively survival-based. And until they have a reliable source for the necessities of life, they can’t get any better.
Supportive Housing
Instead of spending loads of money on contracted services that have no communication with one another, and only dedicate small portions of funding to the actual housing of these people, we should fund and develop supportive housing. Supportive housing is the development of subsidized permanent residences where individuals can not only live, but have easy access to the help they need. Within the residence there would be a point of contact who would be similar to a resident adviser on college dorms. This person or group would work with the residents and make sure they are seeking the right help and following up on their plan to well-being. The housing would connect people with the proper health services, mental health services, drug counselling, job training, and anything else these people might need.
This approach is designed to cater to the individual experiencing homelessness, and their progress could be tracked and managed by the support group at the housing facility. One note that Sam brings up in his post is that we don’t want these to feel institutional. Many of these individuals suffering don’t want to feel homogenized and labeled. Even more so, they should feel integrated in the greater community. This requires a change in mindset among citizens, something that definitely won’t happen overnight.
Temporary Housing
Even if the federal government stepped up their game and orchestrated these programs on a grand scale across the nation, there would still be a delay of support. We need not solely focus on the best long-term approach, but also improve our current temporary support network. By building out better shelters, having individuals working to manage the support these people are getting, and continuing a societal campaign to change the mindset of current residents in these neighborhoods, we can provide a structured support system in the meantime. Our current homeless management system is barely a system at all. If we integrated some of the services the people and taxpayers would be benefited greatly. So until affordable housing projects are publicly funded on the federal level again, these band-aid solutions can actually do some good.
Alternative housing ideas such as encampments, shipping crates, and tiny homes should not be ruled out of consideration either. Localities should spend time and resources finding places within their respective borders to provide both long-term and temporary housing improvements. This plan in general can be replicated in all municipalities, but the approach needs to be catered towards the land and space available, environmental considerations, and public approval. This is where all of us come in.
What can you do about it?
The problem of homelessness isn’t going away any time soon. As we see our economy continue to drive more and more people into dire circumstances, and less and less is done to aid our poorest citizens, it’s obvious this problem isn’t going away. So what can any one person do to affect change? It’s a hard question to answer.
For starters, if you are in a position to donate to some of these organizations working tirelessly to alleviate the difficulties faced by homeless people, please do: National Coalition for the Homeless, National Alliance to End Homelessness, or find a center near you to support. Many of the citations are credited to them, and not only do they help homeless assertive networks, but they all do good work advocating for policy change in government.
Another way to help is by donating your time. Shelters across the nation are in need of temporary and continued volunteer service and would gladly take any help they can get. This is especially important for my next point.
Stop ignoring these people. Each person you see on the street is another human being. The idea that they probably got themselves into this situation and should be left alone to figure out how to get out of it is morally horrific and logistically absurd. We as a society need to to hold ourselves collectively responsible for getting these people the help they deserve. In many developed nations across the world, each citizen is allotted basic human rights such as a shelter, health care, and education. It’s not communism, it’s basic respect for the well-being of our fellow human beings. Our nation is extremely wealthy and we still can’t afford that common respect for humanity. We should be smarter about how we spend our time, money and effort, and that starts with the individual.
When you see a homeless person on the street, whether they are asking for money, shooting up heroin, or just laying down on the sidewalk, give them the common decency of eye contact. Look at them, see their pain, and respect their humanity. If you can only do that, you have no idea the effect it will have on them and yourself. Just don’t look away. If after a while you can muster the strength to have a conversation with some of them, please do. You shouldn’t be afraid of homeless people any more than anyone else. Nobody deserves to feel ignored, alone, and left to rot.
If we can all just do this, we will start to love these people and care for their well-being. We will become upset, not at them, but at the fact that nobody in power is doing anything about it. And our collective outrage at the failure of our current system will drive political change. Then maybe, with considerate legislation and well managed programs, we can end homelessness once and for all.
Life/Blog Update
I’m still alive!
Things have changed though, many, many things. I’ve moved into an apartment in San Francisco, started work for Uber ATG, and fell in love with Julia. Just to name a few. These changes mark the beginning of a new chapter of my life: phase two of my crazy plan to change the world. It feels good to transition into the next stage of my life, yet I know with change comes challenge. During the transition I have absolutely neglected my blog. I apologize for the lack of posts in the recent months. Adjusting to a new habitat is a long and arduous process for me. Luckily, as I count my third month of moving to San Francisco I have decidedly settled in and staring getting in a routine. There are still a few adjustments I need to make to my day-to-day, like going to the gym consistently, but over all I am comfortable. Every morning I wake up excited to go to work and every evening I am excited to go home. Not to say I don’t love my work, I couldn’t be more in love, I just love working on me as well. Sadly though, I haven’t been spending my end of days very wisely these past few months. Going forward I plan on changing that. I will have days dedicated to certain goals. Whether it’s researching about my potential PhD, reading about technology, or diving deep into a current ethical issue.
My goal is to be busy all day every day, doing productive work that I love. So expect to see a higher frequency of posts from me in the future!
The Geriatric Crisis, Assisted Suicide, and Euthanasia
Charge
America is facing a crisis unmet by any previous society. A crisis that is coming to fruition across the globe in many of the most highly developed nations. However, we as Americans are seemingly doing all that we can to make matters worse, whereas other nations have recognized the issue and are moving towards viable solutions. I’m coining this problem: the geriatric crisis. We as a society need to find pragmatic solutions to this appending bombshell of negative ethical consequence. In this post I highlight my ideas and propose both short term and long term solutions.
This topic has been at the forefront of my thought since arriving at my parents house. Both my maternal grandmother and paternal grandparents are apart of the original baby boom. They are struggling, and the support system we as a society have in place for them is grossly ill-equipped to deal with the majority of problems they face. It saddens me beyond comprehension the scale of suffering being felt by our elderly populous. We must do something about it.
Evidence of Crisis
As with every issue, research is important to understand and familiarize with the data. Along with statistics, I researched important microcosms of American society to appreciate the magnitude of the appending crisis. Below are stats and stories that damn our society and showcase unintentional cruelty.
Birth Rates, Death Rates, Life Expectancy, and Average Age
There are a few statistics America keeps on its citizens that are vital to understanding the state of our aging nation. These statistics are birth rates, death rates, life expectancy, and average age. There are many different names for these statistics, such as natality, crude birth/date rate, mortality rate, and other combination metrics such as rate of natural increase. Since throwing too many numbers at your face is not my intention, I will stick to speaking in generality and link the true statistics for further personal investigation. But trust me, the numbers aren’t pleasing.
Google has an awesome tool to visualize trends in each of these metrics and more, I highly recommend you check it out here. You can also compare nation and world populations.
The big picture is this: birth rates are going down, death rates are going down, average life expectancy is slightly going up, and average age is going up. This has tremendous implications on the effectiveness of the social welfare programs we have in place. More on this below.
The causes are many, but it’s obvious that better medicine and technology has given us a better capability to live longer, healthier lives. On the other side of the spectrum, birth rates could be decreasing due to a more steady involvement of women in the workplace. (thanks capitalism) Other things such as reliable birth control and economic highs and lows affect birth rates as well.
My main point for this subsection is that in the past we have had difficulties handling the aging populous, but never before has it been this big to be called a crisis. For an example look to the trends of imprisoned Americans.
Imprisoned Elderly
It is said that living a life behind bars ages you faster. By many approximations, those who have served considerable time in a state or federal penitentiary are mentally and physically ten years older than their birth date reads. This has caused a considerable amount of unforeseen difficulties that prisons have had to work around. If you’re down to ball your eyes out, I have a report or video you can check out.
As much as I’d like to critique the rotten judicial and criminal system/structure that often perpetrates racist ideologies, I’ll save that for another post. This problem of a growing elderly population in prison is a direct result of the movement in the 70’s towards a strong “tough on crime” stance. That coupled with insane sentencing minimums and a budding idiotic war on drugs placed America in the number one spot for percentage of citizens incarcerated amongst developed nations. Not to mention the ever present “for-profit” prisons.
This microcosm of American society can shed light on the crisis we are starting to face because it is supposedly ten years ahead. If you skipped out on the video or report let me fill you in on the conditions that these elderly are facing: they are abhorrent. Not only are many of them suffering from multiple ailments, most have no hope of ever being free. They will die behind bars, alone, afraid, and in incredible pain. Sadly, even if they are allowed back into society, many have no one to pick them up. They are doomed.
Many prisons have started to implement an inmate sourced support system where inmaes are paid measly amounts to care for and assist the aged through daily activities such as clothing, bathing, eating, and using the bathroom. These able individuals are their biggest advocates and many times their only friends.
But of course this isn’t just a social well-being problem, it also carries financial consequences. Taxpayers are paying for these individual’s medications and treatments, and the costs are staggering. Letting them out of prison only solves one of the problems. Unfortunately, they will be thrown into the just-as-broken welfare support system free citizens face. But how bad is it?
Lack of Support System
There are a few avenues of financial support available for the retired and aging population in America. Personal/family wealth, long-term privatized insurance, social security, and medicare. Most Americans don’t have enough saved to afford a full retirement. And not enough people are investing in long-term care insurance.
So most people are relying heavily on the government programs we have in place. Programs designed in an age where there were up to thirty workers paying taxes to cover one elderly. These systems have yet to experience nearly such an obstacle, one graph tells it all: The Population Pyramid.
This graph shows the percentage of total population per 5 year age group in 2018. To understand why these near century old programs are failing, you must examine the progression over time.
A steady shift towards an equilibrium of shared percentage is obvious, but our welfare programs are not the slightest prepared. The baby boom is the first tidal wave in the gif, and all of them are about to hit 65 and up. This will destroy the systems we have in place. There are now less than 3 workers to 1 beneficiary, social security needs extreme reform. Medicare needs a huge overhaul, for that I agree with my dude Bernie.
Even with perfect government welfare programs, there will be prolonged unnecessary suffering. Many old people at some point, whether they are terminally ill or fading fast, want to end their life. Yet their government forbids it, only 6 states and DC currently have death with dignity legislation. I believe that the laws already in place are useful, but could go a step further in the future. More on this later.
Long Term Fixes
The separation of long and short term fixes are based on the longevity of the solution. Some fixes could enable healthy and happy aging for all future generations, others simply alleviate some pressure right away. The difference does not however take into account the timeline for enacting policy of the sort. It’s safe to say that in our current state all policy decisions are going to be stifled with inaction and ignorance. As the issues become more and more pervasive the public will demand justice for their most deserving elder population. Here are the ways I see to solve this geriatric crisis.
Medicare and Social Security Re-hauls
My favorite president is Franklin Delano Roosevelt, without his leadership during a time of great instability we would be nowhere. He was one of the main reasons we exited WW2 as the top economic power, that and the fact we weren’t bombed to shit. His presidential cornerstone was the creation of social security. The Social Security Act was passed in 1935 as a main component of The New Deal. Many new deal policies failed miserably, but this one succeeded tremendously. It has been the most reliable government agency since inception, but it’s fundamental idea is only now becoming challenged beyond belief. It won’t make it to its 100th birthday.
I truly believe that it is time for a new, new deal. All these social issues I am constantly thinking about will be apart of it. But universal health coverage will be at the forefront. It’s frankly sad to see that we are the last developed nation to offer basic coverage. Just like holding on to the broken imperial unit system, we may never switch due to fear and cost concerns. America needs to go back to the days where they would take risks when it was the ethically right thing to do.
Now, there are a ton of changes that need to be made, and many more that could be changed. If I talked about them all I would bore you to death. Instead I will link you to some of the potential fixes. My grandma says young people need to pay more, I say we need to transition everyone to a single payer system that modifies benefits based on your age group. Another solution is providing a supplemental program to increase government earnings. The solution is NOT to get rid of it. But it is about time that seriously drastic changes be considered.
The agency will be continually failing on its payments in future years. So something needs to be done. Think we will ever have as progressive a congress?
Increased Incentives for Geriatricians
Medicare is strapped for cash, and they don’t pay recipients enough for good long term coverage. This is directly at odds with privatized insurance because of the doctors. Young students pursuing their M.D. don’t want to work on old people. It’s often considered unglamorous and unrewarding. Unrewarding both financially and mentally. Most people would intrinsically save a youth’s life over an elder’s if they had to chose. This is backed up with economical bias, geriatricians make less on average than any other profession requiring an M.D. Compared to a radiologist’s $473,000 average salary, a geriatrician’s $184,000 is shit. This is because Medicare is broke and private insurance is rich.
Not only are other areas of medicine far more lucrative, they are more often taught. During schooling many programs cycle the soon to be doctors through different areas of medicine to give them the opportunity to try things out and find what they like. Geriatrics is almost never a mandatory cycle. After all, schools want their students to go out and get high paying jobs so they can pay their way out of debt then pitch back earnings to their alma mater.
The need for geriatricians and geriatric nurses is outrageous.
“By 2030, the need will grow to an estimated 30,000 geriatricians. To reach this number, 1,200 geriatricians would need to be board-certified each year for the next 20 years. Twelve hundred may not seem like a huge number, but consider this: In 2010, only 75 medical residents entered geriatric fellowship programs across the United States, down from 112 in 2005, according to the American Geriatrics Society. The geriatrician is becoming an endangered specialty.”
Holy shit, we’re fucked, unless things change now. Start paying these doctors more, start mandating cycles in university, and remove the stigma of old lives being less important. Easy right? Nope, but otherwise we’re fucked. And when I say “we’re” I really mean your grandparents and parents. They will suffer insurmountable pains due to this lack of support personnel.
This is an area that needs more people sooner than we can get them. We need to incentivize retraining of doctors and recently unemployed to become geriatric doctors and nurses. This will provide the needed support for the geriatricians. Otherwise, suffering will ensue.
More Regulated Re-Population Schemes
The last long term solution is a bit more controversial in today’s social landscape. As shown earlier, the population will soon be equally spread amongst the age groups. This is a general trend towards an natural equilibrium. However, the graphs can’t predict the future. As we have seen in the past, people will have children for different reasons, and certain times have been dominated by intense breeding. These imbalances lead to ripples of population growth that challenge social welfare systems.
The best way to solve this problem is a more regulated re-population scheme. I’m not calling for eugenics, I just want the government to insure that another baby boom or baby drought doesn’t happen again. That could mean not going to war or it could mean actually regulating financial institutions to disallow another recession. I will leave eugenics and parental licensing for another post since that isn’t what this one is about. Just know that my opinion is that the government should not only track the population statistics, but actively encourage a steady re-population rate.
This steady rate will increase planning capabilities and insure the full payment of benefits to every citizen. The better we are at predicting the health of our population, the more prepared we are to support them.
Short Term Fixes
Suicide is a touchy subject. It is engulfed in negative connotations stemming mostly from religion. Nowadays it holds a direct link to mental health stability, and often drug/alcohol/gun abuse. After contemplating it myself and saving others from ledges I’ve developed a philosophy that is: Humans should have the right to choose how, when, and where they die. This post will talk primarily about the terminally ill and near death individuals whose deserve this option, but I firmly believe in availability to all citizens within reason.
Assisted Suicide
Assisted suicide, or more aptly called medically assisted dying, is currently legal in 6 states and D.C. The idea is simple, if a person is terminally ill or near death, they have the capability to sign a few papers and be prescribed a lethal dose of some barbiturate. Now, this is an obvious oversimplification. In reality there are waiting periods, multiple doctor approvals, and consent statements and requests. Needless to say, it’s not easy or quick. And only a few illnesses qualify per state.
I’ve already linked a few testimonials as to why this is morally righteous, but I have also experienced this first hand. These laws need to be widened to allow for more people to qualify. Too many people have to wait for their death when their body and mind have already given out. No person should have to face weeks, months, or years of pain because their government doesn’t think they qualify for a dignified death. We need to get over this “life at all costs” mentality, it’s often life-insensitive.
The will of humanity is great, if a person wants something badly enough, they will do whatever it takes to get it. One reason why Planned Parenthood is worth funding. This idea is also at play when it comes to the ending of one’s life. Whats worse, medically assisted death or suicide by cop? Pretty obvious answer I’d say. But what about the other major ways? Shooting yourself in the head? Drinking yourself to death? Or overdosing on some other drug? I think you’d be an idiot to say that anything other than assisted suicide is best or more moral. It surely is the least messy.
With all this being said, the requirements for request and verification are a gray area. And we haven’t had these laws around long enough for there to be conclusive evidence for the best practice. For now, not even enough people know about them, so education on options is more necessary.
Euthanasia
One major problem with assisted suicide is that it doesn’t cover individuals who are unable to grant consent. Say for instance your grandmother has dementia, perhaps caused by Alzheimer’s. She is unable to recognize you, and doesn’t even know her own name. With the current assisted suicide laws she can’t consent, therefore must lay to waste away until her time is up. This has enormous consequences for your family and most importantly her. She is gone, her life consists of waking up confused about where she is, forced feeding, then often medically induced sleep. Does that sound fun to you? It’s not. The only thing she wants is peace, but can’t express it because her mental capabilities have deteriorated so much. You want her to be at peace as well, but chances are, you have to let her suffer until natural death.
Pretty fucked up right? This is happening everywhere, and the moral repugnance is a stench that clouds America’s ethics. When your dog is 21, blind, and unable to stand, you put it down. It’s lived a great life and the last thing you want to do is force it to endure any further suffering. Why the fuck are humans any different? If anything, it’s more immoral for humans because they have lives of even greater value, and deserve more rights than the dog.
One way to offer these benefits without forcing loved-ones to make the hard decision is something like a do not resuscitate contract. As one gets older, it becomes more important to have a will drafted. If an individual wants to be cut short of life in the case they become unresponsive or terminally ill, they should have the capability to consent to a doctor beforehand in the will. This gives the power back to the individual and ensures the following of their wishes.
Potential Abuse
Most of the arguments against these treatment options focus on the potential abuse of insurance agencies or doctors. I’m less worried about doctors because they are almost always looking out for the best interests in their patients. What is definitely more scary is insurance companies pushing for a certain treatment or not. It’s important to keep in mind, that as long as we are a capitalist society, insurance companies are making money off of people’s faults and imperfections. If they stand to earn from a certain treatment and not others, they will coerce the buyer into choosing the more cost effective option.
This could mean a number of horrible things. First, these companies might attempt to withhold information on all treatment options and their timelines. (which is already happening) This means that they may put pressure on a person to start a treatment option without fully understanding all of the options. Second, they may limit coverage for certain treatments forcing poorer people to choose the option that would least negatively affect their family members. Thirdly, as seen with the explosion of opioid addiction in recent years, we can’t trust that pharmaceutical companies will not bribe doctors into over prescribing.
All this means that the government would have to eliminate edge cases and truly crack down on offenders. This should be coupled with a FDA overhaul in my opinion, but I’ll save that for another post. Most of the already existing policies have elements stating the pressure of an individual to make a decision of treatment vs. death be a felony. Regardless, the government needs to ensure the rights of the patient are not taken advantage of.
Closing
As I’m finishing writing this piece my grandfather has just passed away. His kidney’s were failing, he was entering dementia, and he decided to decline treatment. He was uncomfortable for weeks as he waited for his death. His wife, now alone, has lost nearly all her motor functions and memory. She also has declined treatment and is waiting for her turn to die. This is sad, not because death is scary or unfortunate. This is sad because they are forced to suffer until their bodies finally give up. They are citizens of Florida, a state without any dying with dignity policy.
If you haven’t experienced this sadness yet, you will. Death awaits all of us. We have no say in how we’re born, but we should at least have a say in how we die. We need to reform our social welfare landscape before the crisis financially cripples us.
Finally, I hope you consider how you want your end of life experience to be. Your perspective grants you empathy. And your empathy saves lives.
“Funny, the day you’re born, that’s really your death sentence.” – Donald Glover
Sexism, Racism, and Culturally Reinforced White Male Entitlement
Note: This is a very opinionated post. Research for this writing is mostly centered around reading other’s opinion pieces and historical storytelling, I’ll link throughout. I will attempt to convey my evidence and recommendations with all four of Aristotle’s modes of persuasion. As with many of my other posts this is specifically about the USA. These issues are felt worldwide, however different in their ways. Since I know this place the best, and it’s a prime example, we are going to use America.
Side Note: I have been super bust applying and interviewing with companies, which is why this post took so long to make. Hopefully the next one comes quicker.
Summary and Outline
Racism and sexism are bad for society, plain and simple. They create and perpetrate misunderstandings which have historically lead to conflict, sometimes violent. Even if the institutionalized manifestations of racism and sexism are ousted, it’s still alive and well in persons and communities. Those people who choose to subscribe to a hateful mentality that blankets judgment based solely on characteristics determined pre-birth are bad people. It divides us unfairly, and more often than not the people who are oppressed develop a hatred for the class perpetrating the oppression. (Understandably)
This doesn’t have to be the case. We as a society can address this issue head on and change the future of humanity to eliminate hatred forever, if we wanted to. The problem is, for generations on generations the people with the most power to attack the problem were the main perpetrators. They successfully institutionalized inequality, with the power always given disproportionately to white men.
I often feel guilty being born a privileged white male in America. I wish I understood what it would be like to live in another’s life, how would something I can’t control, affect me so negatively so often? The least I can do is ask questions, listen, try to understand, then advocate and educate for the underrepresented.
The reason I am so decidedly against these unfair and often hateful ideologies is because I’ve seen the results, albeit second hand. Technically, I was raised in an area where I was statistically a racial minority. I had strong female influences in my early life through my two sisters and caring mother as well as consistently solid male influences through my father and friends. My experiences were relatively diversified, and I quickly Iearned there’s no difference between you and I. If you are a living being, you yearn for love. Your job as a living human is to give that love to your fellow creatures. Because, “Service to others is the rent you pay for your room on Earth.” – Muhammad Ali
It’s time for us all to start paying our full rent. Alas, with every large societal change, it will take the efforts of many … and a generation of cooperation.
Outline:
I will of course recommend solutions [Action], but first I find it important to understand how we got to this situation in the first place. Skip around if you’d like.
- Summary and Outline
- Brief History of Women’s and Minority’s Rights
- Evolutionary Byproduct Theory
- Necessity/Availability of Worldly Understanding
- Masculinity Complex
- Action
- Concluding Thoughts
Brief History of Women’s and Minority’s Rights
There are four main pieces of legislation that enable women and minorities to participate in government, namely the 14th, 15th, and 19th amendments as well as the Voting Rights Act of 1965. For those who don’t know how important these are let me remind you. After the Civil War, you know, that 1861-1865 bloodbath fought over slavery expansion into the west, yeah, the south had to agree to a few reconstruction amendments in order to be represented in Congress again. These amendments abolished slavery, guaranteed citizenship and equal protection of rights, and voting rights for non-whites. Women gained their right vote nationally later in 1920 thanks to the 19th amendment, and all the women and men who fought for the cause. Then finally, not until 100 years post Civil War did the federal government truly guarantee equal rights for voting, outlawing unfair Jim Crow Laws, with the Voting Rights Act. Now they are equal in the eyes of the law, right?
Sure, but oppression is still rampant, equal treatment goes far past the ability to vote, go to school, work, and pay taxes. In order to understand why, it’s important to look even further back, to the origins of our nation.
The Atlantic Slave Trade wasn’t originally racially charged. It was a byproduct of imperial capitalism. European’s created a high demand for the goods being created in the colonies. To keep up with demands and ensure the fattest financial returns – sorry, to ensure “growth” – the new American capitalists needed a large, yet affordable workforce. They tried enslaving natives, but they were either too proud, too dangerous, or would die to malaria. So, why not just ship in laborers from the already well established slave trade market in Africa? They had developed immunity to malaria, a major obstacle encountered in these slavery plantations a.k.a. labor camps. Poor whites saw their job opportunities diminish due to this process and resented African-American slaves, even after they got better jobs in the city. Rich whites needed to display their dominance in order to control their completely involuntary, outnumbering workforce. The owners were in constant fear of a violent slave uprising, so they institutionalized racism. After generations of this perpetual hatred and oppression, racism was ingrained in every white person, obvious hyperbole. Most whites were taught from a very early age that they were God’s children, and that black kids were destined to hell’s fury. They were told that they were a lesser species. This was accepted as truth and has now lived on in some form or another for generations.
Women have an even longer history of inequality that seems more ingrained in our society. Which is why it’s for sure hardest to be a non-white female. This I believe stems from a same sort of institutionalized patriarchy, just one that manifested in human society far earlier on. It’s cultural characteristics vs. a biological separation. Both critical for a healthy society’s survival, and elements of evolution, but one is recognizable before widespread multi-cultural understanding. Which I will talk more about in the next section.
Evolutionary Byproduct Theory
Two words, in-groups and out-groups. Evolutionary psychology tells us that we have always wanted to classify the people around us. There’s a reason why we are naturally prone to gossip: we want to know what type of person other people are. We tend to classify people by many things like economic class, culture, race, religion, and sex. All of us belong to a particular group in each of these classifications. And we naturally associate and advocate for those groups. Many groups form coalitions that sponsor negative rhetoric and action toward others. These often negative associations for people of a different class leads to the philosophy of in-groups and out-groups.
This is a mentality that seems universal to all creatures of evolution. Other species utilize different forms of class structure, most often seen in the separation in labor based on sex. For some reason, just about every culture in human history has exemplified some sort of patriarchal structure. However separate the workload, is it equal? I’d wager no. This is an idea I’ve grappled with for much of the past month, brought about by a few questions I had: When did motherhood stop being considered a better gig than practically anything else? Was it ever considered equal in the eyes of society?
Can we graduate ourselves out of this deeply ingrained separation of power? It seems like the only way we can, is to collectively realize the fact that we are developing a society who’s needs of gender roles are changing. Valuation of a person’s time spent contributing to society should not be judged with such narrow terms as often is done with money, rather by the happiness and fulfillment of the person. I stray away from evaluating a person’s value based on the number of other’s they impact, quality over quantity is a hard argument to fight sometimes. We are changing our own futures now, increasing our reach and speeding past evolution’s hand.
I believe this understanding and change is already in it’s early stages. Equality will grow due to the wide accessibility and understanding of out-group perspectives.
Necessity/Availability of World Understanding
Gaining a well-rounded world view goes a long way to increase the diversity of perceived in-groups. The environment you get raised in, that is the people you learn from and associate with, greatly impact what you think is normal. Growing up well attuned to the differences exemplified across the globe gives the best chance at understanding the myriad of cultures and customs. Experience fuels decision making. The larger breadth of experience, the greater acceptance of others. How romantic.
In recent times, due to the large accessibility of internet communications across the globe, people have been learning more and more about people completely unlike themselves. Honestly, since the era of television people have been taking note of the apparent different lifestyles – domestic and international. I firmly believe that the solution to these problems can come from improved and encouraged access to a wide range of diverse publications on the web. Not just written stories, but audio and video alike. Someday we will have sophisticated enough virtual reality to experience life from a truly alternate point of view. Want to see the affects of racism? -> Enter the perspective of a black guy at a traffic stop. Want to feel sexism? -> Enter the perspective of a woman in a board meeting getting shutdown by her male colleagues.
Access to these advanced technologies may not be widely available, but what should be is the core internet technology. I believe the web of knowledge we humans have created and called the internet should be free and accessible to all people as a right. I often say that people have a right to pursue knowledge, not always attain it depending on classification, but pursue it regardless.
However technology can sometimes foster exclusivity, certain groups will only continue the hate online. This may discourage people from change, but I have faith in humanity that the majority of users would see past the malice. This also has a lot to do with proper education and instruction detailing the difference between well-intentioned and evil user-group.
Masculinity Complex
America has a truly ill conceived ideology of the way a man is supposed to act. These masculinity notions are passed down from generation to generation through fable and fiction. Sayings like “be a man” carry with them connotations that often encourage belittlement of alternate viewpoints. It’s truly no wonder that so many men are being publicly scorned for their sexually heinous actions. These men have been indoctrinated into a society that reaffirms their masculine superiority. In university, I always found it so appalling when guys would congratulate other men on their hookups whereas women would sometimes shame each other for a similar action. Neither group is always correct in their judgment, but the disconnect was apparent. Men are revered by other men who admire their sexual prowess. Yet little is asked of them as to how they managed their fortune, and as we’ve found out time and time again it has a lot to do with force and coercion rather than mutual agreeance.
This problem is rooted deeply in american society. I believe it stems from a sort of reinforced entitlement. The same entitlement that has perpetrated the hateful racism by white people for decades. American culture encourages objectification of women through venues such as: pageantry, fashion/modeling, pornography, and even hooters. These are a few choice examples, but others can be drawn from historical portrayal of flight attendants or secretaries. Even war contributes to this complex, after all, conscription (the draft/selective service) is sexist.
The fact that we as a society have yet to graduate beyond this masculinity complex is not entirely surprising. But unlike the changes necessary to eradicate sexism and racism, this complex must go first. It governs much of the hate that has informally matured over the years. This can be solved with desire and understanding, just like the rest.
Action
As already mentioned a major influence of change is the diversity of an individual’s in-group. This can be increased in many ways, but the easiest by far is with the use of communication technology. Technology meant to share perspectives should be utilized in education from a young age. Alongside factual history and science education, children will be able to feel truly a part of the global society. In the process, they understand the struggle of out-group members. Coming to an understanding: that everyone is just trying their best with what they got. This greatly alleviates pressure from these negative ideologies. We as a society have seemingly outpaced evolution with our technologies. Once we all realize this, equal treatment of individuals will be obvious. Race and sex are pointless measures of capability.
On the recent subject of sexual misconduct: I personally believe that the public shaming of individuals based on allegations alone are hazardous to a healthy state with due process. But when a man has the decency enough to admit his wrong doings, he should be forgiven somewhat by society. He may not be able to do what he used to, but at least he was somewhat a man in the end – honest. Other individuals with racking allegations who deny wrongful action even when there is obvious evidence against them, are not very decent people.
Besides the most positive generational advice of educating the youth, the society must also educate the white men. White men need to increase their understanding then inspire and take positive action through education or advocacy. After all most of the burden is created by us. We should stand up for the underrepresented and disrespected. And always try to be models of sincerity and respect whichever way you choose to show it.
Lastly, it may be helpful to have powerful leaders stand as the head advocate to inspire more action and discussion about the issues at hand. I understand if you don’t want to get threatened or shot, but it may help morale and suppress the discouragement felt at times.
Conclusion
The sooner we act the better. This will undoubtedly take another generation to become noticeably better if we start now. Of course this is never going to go away completely, but we can try our hardest to not perpetrate the oppression. There are many resources online already available to educate people on all of these issues. Diversity and equality are the most important attributes to modern day society, we all need to realize that to overcome the barriers. Luckily a lot is being done right now, but more is on the way. So stop hurting and start helping.
Trip: My Home
Visual Tour:
I took my truck for a 8000 mile tour and thought I’d show you around the place I called home.
Other Notes:
I used gallon ziplock bags to hold small like items.
The rolling top locks on the end near the tailgate. A lever can be pulled to release the tension.
I held trash in the front mostly, with small trash bags, but it was mostly recyclable items. The back also had ties that I would use occasionally.
The clothes are in a laundry basket, rolled and stacked usually.
I didn’t show how I made my meals, but it is a backpacking stove with propane. Here’s a quick video: Cooking
Disclaimer:
I lost a few things and broke others, but over all stayed organized and clean.
Trip: 6 Weeks a Nomad
MEGA UPDATE
Holy hell I’m tired. I thoroughly apologize for taking so damn long to update the site on my travels. I sincerely was so busy exploring and adventuring that a bunch of work was pushed aside to simply experience the trip. Streaming was throttled back a tad as well due to me being on the road so often on the return trip home. Plus, keeping electronics charged out in the wild is difficult without a fat power inverter. But alas, I wrote everything down in my book. So here it is! I’ll break it down by location starting where I left off, because weeks and days starting getting really blurred.
Pittsburgh
I loved Pittsburgh, it might be because I saw it before it started to get all gloomy, which I guess it now has. Regardless, this place was a blast. I spoke with countless professors and students about life at the university, and more specifically about the Engineering and Public Policy program it offers. This seems like the perfect transitional fit for me considering I want to work in government some day. They have incredible connections and what seems to be a phenomenal internal structure and culture. I could definitely see myself going to school at CMU, but I need to build up my knowledge/resume/confidence before I apply. The application period opens in November, but I think I may wait a year or so until I’ve gotten some real software engineering experience.
I also met some beautiful individuals. While staying at the Delt chapter I got the opportunity to fraternize with my bothers. We shared stories over meals and drinks, and I was lucky enough to attend their chapter meeting and thank all the brothers for their hospitality. I saw my first familiar face in the man who helped start my chapter in SLO, Evan, who is the chapter adviser for CMU Delt. The other adviser, Jaison, took me out to a brewery for a couple of pints and we talked in depth about the EPP program. He was the main reason I got so much face time with persons in the program, and was one of the most compassionate men I met. Overall, I couldn’t thank them all enough for what they did for me. Other than just cool dudes, I also met a few cool chicks. One in particular stood out among the rest for her diverse past and incredibly adventurous personality. Julia showed me the Pittsburgh downtown scene on a very interesting non-binary double tinder date. Saw her twice, hope to make it a third someday.
Niagara Falls
We all know how powerful water is, from flooding, to erosion, to hydro-power. But you will never understand the power of water until you visit Niagara Falls. I was told I would not be too impressed, but whoever said that didn’t know how easily impressed I am haha. I loved it. Selfie stick in hand, I skated around and acted like a total tourist. I didn’t stay for more than a few hours because I had to be in Boston in 2 days, but this little side excursion was totally worth it.
There was only one hiccup, the US/Canada Border Patrol. Pulled up to the entry to Canada and this is what played out:
Canadian Border Patrol Agent: “Where you from? … California?! What are you doing all the way out here? … You live out of your truck? Are you planning on staying the night in Canada? … No? Alright, well do you have any Alcohol, Tobacco or Firearms with you? … No, cool. Whats in the back of your truck? … Your bed and camping supplies? Alrighty then, we are going to have you pull into spot 14 for a full search of your vehicle.”
Fuck. Sorta. I never lied to him, but I did have some weird and potentially illegal stuff in my car I know they’d find. But whatever, if I go to Canada jail for small amounts of weed or the suspicion that I was defecting, I’m sure I could figure my way out of the situation.
Ten minutes of watching them rip my car up and having a drug dog smell me up, I built up a bit of a nervous sweat. I did not plan ahead for this. Luckily, everything was chill. They let me pass with no problem, and when I got back to the truck they had all the questionable stuff on the passenger seat noting their findings and leaving them be. I suppose
they were more interested in finding smuggled cocaine or trafficked humans. So with a sigh of relief, I continued on into Canada.
Getting back to America was easy, pass the BP agent my passport, a few questions later… “Welcome home”.
Boston
I made it to Boston the night before my morning flight to Seattle. Made dinner on the back of my truck and slept in the economy airport parking lot. This lot stood next to the refueling jets, lets just say I had some weird dreams that night that may or may not have been fume based. Hopped on my 6AM flight and 5 hours later landed in somehow sunny Seattle.
Seattle
One of my main objectives along the way was to find places I could see myself living in more permanently. Seattle was the second city/area I found to fit the bill. The downtown was not overwhelming large, and there were many districts around that provided for a nice taste of diversity.
The whole reason I was in Seattle was for an on-site interview with Amazon on Friday. They flew me out early Thursday, which gave me time to explore the city and get a feel for everything. I ended up skating to a Chicago pizza joint for lunch, dinner, then dinner the next day. I probably could have sampled more places, but I figured since I missed the pizza in Chicago, I would try it in Seattle lol.
Later that day I went to a bar downtown called The Whiskey Bar, and got hammered. This kicked off the first of many charades I called “Find Your Way Home”. With hindsight, I probably shouldn’t have started the game the night before my interview, but I was pretty confident. Skated tipsy around the city and managed to find my way back to the hotel. Later trials of the game included finding my parked truck/friends apartment.
The interview on Friday went great! I got to talk about my travels with other interesting and cool engineers. I made a friend, Omar, before the interview started up and at some point used one of my favorite quotes, “I ain’t no bitch.” I think it was in relation to how I wouldn’t buy a more comfortable sleeping arrangement for my truck. We chatted throughout the day, had lunch together and ended up getting told the same thing at the end of the whole process, “Sorry we filled the position, more spots may open later”. Sounds like Amazon had a freeze, and needed to recount their openings. All applicants from my day on (thousands) got the same message, whoops lol.
After the nearly day long interview I decided to chill out by the sound and sample one of the many hemp shop’s goods. Turned in for the night relatively early, set no alarm, and passed out.
I woke up the next day an hour and a half prior to my return flight. The skate to the rail station was going to be 10-15 minutes, the rail would be 30, and who knows how long security would take. Long story short, I showed up for the last boarding call and sat my smelly ass down in between two lovely old ladies. Luckily, prevailing winds cut the trip time down a full hour. Landed in Boston in the evening and made my way to Cambridge.
Cambridge and Boston
After the recent success of “Find Your Way Home”, I decided to take another stab at it. This time I headed to a “Harvard Bar” I don’t remember exactly which, but I figured going to the one in Good Will Hunting was a bit unnecessary and out of reach. Woke up the next day, Sunday, and had a blast streaming Harvard Yard and a local street fair. However, I wasn’t really feeling the vibe. Checked out MIT and the Delt chapter there, but decided to keep on the move and start heading South toward NY.
https://clips.twitch.tv/KathishExuberantFishDxCat
That was, until I met a girl named Nat. We decided to visit an art museum since it was free admission for the holiday. I got to know her very well as we eventually made our way into downtown Boston. One good thing about the city was it’s oddly diverse architecture style. Many buildings extended past their footprint, and others were left unchanged since the colonial days. The city and all its luster was lost on me since I had already decided to leave. So with a goodbye we parted ways, but only after a deep understanding of each other’s person was made, and I headed South.
Rhode Island and Conneticut
Right around this point in my trip I started developing a really nasty case of tonsillitis. It started slowly, but due to stress and poor sleeping habits it only got worse as the days went on. So I decided to take it easy as I made my way down the east coast towards the next stop, New York City. One of my best days was spent at Harkness Memorial State Park on the coast of Connecticut just hammocking and writing in my journal. I got to touch the Atlantic Ocean, which was a goal of mine from the beginning. Even more over, I was able to sleep and mediate for hours. Little days of relaxation were super necessary as I got further and further away from home.
Also, Connecticut was the only state where I had a run in with the police. The story isn’t that interesting, but I learned a valuable lesson. If you plan on sleeping in your car in a neighborhood, choose your spot wisely and later in the night. After an interrogation lasting 10 minutes, I hadn’t given the officer any reason to search so I asked to be released and he reluctantly did. I’m pretty sure the neighbors though I was a drug dealer or something and wanted me out of their neighborhood. I drove a few minutes north, parked in a similar hood, and hopped out quickly to later return and climb in the back.
New York City
This was by far my favorite place on the whole trip. New York City has a really special feel to it, unlike any other city encountered. At this point I was tremendously ill, but was determined to still make the most of my visit. I took the train in from New Jersey early in the morning, and headed to Central Park. I didn’t remember much from the last time I visited NYC, but knew I had to skate around Central Park. Checked off another life goal with that beautiful skate. I live streamed as much of the city as I could, before catching my old friend, Colin Adams, for lunch. He works at Google in the big apple, and for lunch I got treated to a free Google buffet, yeah that was nice. We talked about life after college and passion finding. He enlightened me to the fact that most people have to balance their own personal desires with those around them. Responsibility doesn’t mean giving up your dreams, it just means compromise. That’s why I hope to be well on my way toward my dream job before I settle down, get married, and start having kids. All in due time.
Unfortunately, him and his fiancee were traveling to DC for the weekend and wouldn’t be able to show me around the city. No matter, they still were kind enough to lend me their quaint apartment for the weekend. I was able to spend a day trying to get well and catch up on sleep, much needed. I wrote a poem that night that I would end up recording on their rooftop lounge. Some highlights of the day included visiting the 9/11 memorial, which I start to tear up just thinking about, and skating in the busy streets of Manhattan.
The next day I slept in as much as I could, and only went out in the late afternoon for amazing pizza and to stretch my legs. That night however, was to be the third run of my game. I went to a very notorious jazz bar, paid a fat cover, and proceeded to get three drinks in a 90 minute set. This was the first time where I felt like a 10 out of 10.
Normally when people ask me how I’m doing, I’ll give them a numerical answer ranging form 1 to 10, ten being the best. I lived in a depressed state all last year hovering around 5 or 6. Not until I started traveling did I notice it rise to an average of 7. Then it kept rising, and peaked at 10 a few times, this being the first and best. The band came up to my spot at the bar during and after the set and thanked me for my enthusiasm. I was by far the loudest and most vibe-ing patron. After the set I went to a few more bars to grab a drink and check out the scene.
https://go.twitch.tv/videos/181891696
Decided to head out the next morning, bearing towards DC. Cleaned up the apartment, and thanked the couple for their incredible hospitality in a note, and left.
Car Troubles
Something was bound to go wrong. After a full inspection pre-departure, I knew there was little to no way I was going to make it through 8,000 miles without some mechanical failure. My battery light came on while driving towards DC. A few things could be broken, so I checked them all. The alternator was dying. It wasn’t completely dead yet, but if I didn’t take care of it, my car would run out of battery on the road and just about cease to be useful. My engine would surely overheat and I’d be in way bigger trouble. So I took it into a local shop, chatted up the store clerk while the mechanic switched out the part. A bit of a bummer and unforeseen expense, but I was back on the road in no time!
Washington D.C.
Before each big city, when I knew I’d be streaming as much as I could, I would often spend a full day or two preparing. I would prep for travels, locations to visit, and charge up all my electronics and battery packs. This also would give me an opportunity to research or write a blog post. Which is why I didn’t get around to writing as many as I’d like, I just didn’t get that many opportunities to do so. Nevertheless, I spent this time writing my post on gun violence.
D.C. was immaculate. I arrived early in the morning to visit all the major monuments and memorials before the big crowds. Boy was I rewarded greatly for this initiative. The entire mall was empty except for a few morning joggers. I was able to visit each cite and stream them with nobody to block my view. My favorite was walking through the FDR memorial and laughing at all the quotes we will never hear our current president say. I even wondered aloud at a point, “I bet Trump hasn’t even been to this place.”
https://go.twitch.tv/videos/183154816
While visiting the Martin Luther King Jr. Memorial I noticed his addiction to “Justice”. I admitted my reluctance to accepting this word and ideal as one I like. After some more research into human history and better understanding of the full picture of justice I have changed my opinion. I like justice, in fact I demand it. To me, justice are the actions taken after an injustice. Without justice, humans are allowed to take advantage of each other with no fear of repercussion. Hammurabi to Julies Cesar, the question of just justice has always been debated. I don’t claim to know all the answers, but I know that my fight for justice will not be the same as many past revolutionaries. I want to fight against the injustice of corporate greed and unethical economic practices. Of course I still care about women/minority rights, but I see a bigger evil in capitalistic fueled inequality.
I wrote another poem while in D.C. This time, with a self inflicted time limit to draft it: 10 minutes. I wrote a piece on motivation because at this time I was finalizing my own. Which I wrote down in my book and will continue to attack with ferocity.
I visited many museums, monuments, memorials, statues, and witnessed the three branches buildings. I felt satisfied after a long day and decided not to return for another day.
Appalachian Backpacking
It had been way too long since I brought out the full backpacking gear set. At this point I had decided for sure that I would be visiting another one of my old friends who had graduated and moved across the country. So, I let him know I was on the way, but would be spending a few days in the wilderness beforehand. He told me the weekend would be best, so I was chillen. The first night I essentially car camped, but pitched my hammock in the forest for a bit more seclusion. The second day I packed up my gear and hit a trail. This was all done in the South Appalachian, the Carolinas.
It felt good to be somewhere nobody could get to me. I added a value to my principles, solitude. I find that my favorite types of vacation have an element of solitude. As much as I thoroughly enjoy people, I crave a place where there is no sign of human life. No telephone poles, no cars, no people. Nature does the trick often, but I’ll still get the occasional wireless signal and airplane over head. Can’t wait until I get to visit Antarctica. (I’m going to visit all 7 continents, 5 to go)
Atlanta
Throughout the trip, whenever I was driving or hanging out in a new area I would listen to rappers from that area. I was very pleased to make it to Atlanta, that meant I got to listen to my favorite artist, Childish Gambino. Not only that, but I got to visit one of my greatest friends from the beginning of college, Mike Nothem. He had graduated when I did, and went back to school to obtain a M.S. in Aerospace Engineering. He posted me up in his place and introduced me to all his new friends. We were going to the Georgia Tech football game against Wake Forest, so I borrowed a GT shirt and played the part. After a fun pre-game at his buddy (Isaac’s) house we headed to the game. I had no ticket, so there was only one option, plead drunk ignorance and weasel my way in. Worked like a charm and we ended up winning the match!
After the game there were some shenanigans, but the most fun was trying to get a shell store attendant to sell alcohol 30 minutes past the legal time. It didn’t work out, but I learned an important lesson, alcohol hours vary per state and locale. So, find a place with the most liberal laws, like New Orleans!
The next day was hangover recovery and catching up on sleep. I probably should have written this post then, but I wanted to play GTA with my friend lol. We made dinner and I bid him a grateful farewell in the morning.
New Orleans
Back to the Mississippi! Before arriving to New Orleans, I learned of some interesting history that guided my experience in the swamp city. Apparently back in the early 1800s France fucked their entire economy due to a credit bubble similar to the housing bubble in 2008. Unlike other ventures at the time such as Boston and New Amsterdam/York, this one failed tremendously. Lies and government corruption caused the first large scale stock crash of human history.
So it was no surprise when I arrived and found the city to be incredibly small. There weren’t any skyscrapers, no transit, no flare. That is until it hit midnight. The streets started lighting up with sounds of Jazz. I visited a few live jazz bars and hit another 10/10. I would love to find a weed and beer jazz bar some day, then I may just break the scale. I was having a grand time until I decided to take a skate in the rugged streets of NO. I fell and cut my hand and knee open pretty bad. That was the end of the night for me, I went back to my car, bandaged the wounds and went to bed. I left the next morning.
At this point in the trip I was about ready to get home. I was still 2,000 miles away, but I wanted to be done. So, instead of stopping in Austin, I drove straight through Texas and New Mexico.
Arizona: Petrified Forest, Painted Desert, Sedona
My last state before I return to the great western banana called California. I spent a few days in the Arizona desert and had a blast! Initially I had a very hard time just picking a day hike to make. The first days were dedicated to chilling out and reminiscing on the trip. After I had come to terms with the end, I went on a few crazy hikes to get as high as possible with my feet still on ground. I climbed to the top of Cathedral Rock in Sedona and streamed my high altitude beer from the peak, then the hike down as well. Saw a guy carrying up a didgeridoo, and had him play it, 9.5/10 cuz my knee was still bleeding from when I reopened it climbing up the hill.
https://clips.twitch.tv/CrispyBigBeefOSsloth
Overall I loved Arizona, right up there with my love for Coloardo, you just don’t have to worry about snow in Arizona.
California: Joshua Tree, UCSB, Cal Poly
I finished up my desert camping in the beautiful Joshua Tree National Park, where I started really thinking about value theory. I love ethics, and often think of it as the more important side of value theory coin. Yet, aesthetics theory took a hold of my mind whilst sitting on top of a 200 meter tall rocky pillar. I wondered about natural beauty, and what it means to us humans. I think Plato had it just about right when he said they whisper to us our inner desires. I read a lot on the final portion about philosophy and great philosophers. Starting with Aristotle and Plato, then working through stoicism all the way to Marxism. It helped me clarify my own personal philosophy when I heard centuries old dead Greeks saying the same thing I was saying.
After Joshua Tree, I visited my little sister in Santa Barbara. Julianna, or Julie as she prefers, just got to school and has already faced a number of challenges. Similar to what I had faced once in my life, I gave advice on poignant issues and insisted she read more of my blog. Some day I’ll write a post on my family, they’re an odd bunch.
I left after chatting for a few hours to return to my college town of San Luis Obispo. And that’s where I am now, enjoying time with friends, and planning for the next steps.
Next Steps
I don’t have all that much money left after this long trip, so I feel the need to go to work. The capitalist in me, feels motivated, but the socialist wants to keep searching for purpose. I compromise to do both, yet the balance is yet to be defined. I know for a fact that I need to return to my family home in Fresno and spend a few weeks sitting in the same spot and mashing away at key and mouse. I must take the next step in my grand plan. But at least I’m poised to take that step with confidence and certainty in my bright future.
I will probably still travel around locally, living out of my truck as I have done for many weeks now. But, I need to devote a considerate amount of my time to taking the next step. Stay tuned for more posts about ethical dilemmas our nation faces, and how I want to solve them.
Gun Violence and the Media
A well regulated militia being necessary to the security of a free state, the right of the people to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed. -2nd Amendment
This may just be one of the most outdated and antiquated amendments in the whole 27, right after the third amendment outlawing the quartering of troops. Most people shorten it to “the right to bear arms”, yet the first begets the second. In order to understand this amendment, it’s important to think through the perspective of the early Americans back in 1789. At the time, the military was very weak, and slow to deploy. They had no speedy transportation, and literally had to march anywhere if there were a battle waging. Also at this time Americans were under threat from native tribes, since they sorta kicked them off their land and killed their families.With these two things in mind, the extreme infancy of an organized military/police force and the constant threat of attack, citizens were all but encouraged to own weapons and know how to use them. A whole community of men could form a militia to defend the rest of the community and act as a supplementary force to the aforementioned organized troops. Not only this, but the framers were afraid of tyrannical governments. Allowing citizens to have the same access to the weapons the military did ensured a fair fight if they wanted to revolt. This was necessary back then, yet has become completely unnecessary now.
Today, due to technological advancement, we have automatic rifles, handheld explosives with incredible potency, and nukes. I can assure you the framers did not anticipate these sort of arms. So why then am I not allowed to keep and bear a thermonuclear warhead? If I have the cash for it, assuming. Because that’s nonsensical, nobody needs that. Needless to say there are many restrictions on this amendment, similar to libel and the first amendment, you can’t have any weapon you want. Yet honestly, it seems that there are more laws governing blades then there are governing firearms. In this post I will dive deep into the very American culture surrounding guns, what policy decisions got us here, and what we can do about people unnecessarily dying to firearms. Lastly I will talk about mass shootings and the media, then conclude with recognition for alternative killers of the American people.
America the Gun Toting Nation
There are more guns than people in America. This fact alone is pretty bonkers. Nearly half of all households own at least one weapon. There are many common day reasons for owning a firearm but the two most popular are sport and protection. When people refer to sport shooting like hunting, they often are referring to rifles and shotguns. When referring to protection, most people think handguns. This isn’t always the case, but is a general consensus. Compared to other nations, not only do we own WAY more guns, but we also have WAY more gun deaths: who would have thought? Many people have been quoted saying gun violence is a developing epidemic in America, however I am forced to dispute. When looking at the data, gun related deaths on the decline, but mass shootings are increasing. (Which I’ll talk about more later) And to be honest, most deaths are suicide. There is a lot of speculation as to why this is the case, but its just that speculation. The real question is not whether it’s becoming an epidemic, just whether or not it’s a public health issue. I think it is undoubtedly a public health issue, due alone to the incredible rise in mass shootings the the recent decade. So why does it seem like there is so little formulated data on incidents? Well, that’s where a complicated series of policy decisions come into play. By complicated I mean contradictory, special interest infested, and loophole generated. The general trend towards looser gun policy does not match the consensus of the populous.
A Messy Gun Policy Landscape
We already know about the second amendment, but what other laws and regulatory agencies have their hands in this complicated mess of gun policy? Let’s start with the players then dive into the rules of the game.
Players:
Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives
The ATF or ATFE as it is commonly referred as is the main federal enforcer of all laws passed regarding these four items. It sits under the Department of Justice, and has two major jobs relating to firearms. The first is to issue FFLs (Federal Firearm License) to authorized manufactures and sellers of guns. There are different levels of this license, but essentially it means they are a legit seller of guns. You don’t necessarily need a FFL to sell guns, which is something I’ll talk about later. The second main thing this organization does is investigate illegal firearms activity. In the past there has been many horrible incidents of failed stings and illegal searches, so lately it seems there has been a real back-off. They also create initiatives to protect the public and enable law enforcement to track weapons through a newer gun tracing program.
Their mission is simple when it comes to guns, “ATF recognizes the role that firearms play in violent crimes and pursues an integrated regulatory and enforcement strategy”. So they’re here to help us, they are the good guys. But they don’t get to make the laws, congress does.
Congress
Both federal and state congresses pass laws regulating or deregulating guns in America. Sometime’s they are at odds with each other, nothing new here. Many bad laws have been passed by past federal congresses, especially due to the second largest political advocacy group behind AARP, the NRA.
National Rifle Association
This is a nonprofit organization who lobbies congress, endorses candidates and organizes voters who favor gun-owner sided policy. I choose my words wisely here, because they don’t necessarily want looser gun laws. They simply want to enable voters with the knowledge they need on policies and issues relating to guns. They are all for safety, provided gun safety courses and marksmanship classes. However, over the years, they have sponsored bills that I believe have provided loopholes for criminals and been to the detriment of the American public.
Center for Disease Control and the Department of Health and Human Services
I put the CDC and DHHS in here because they often are in charge of researching public health hazards. Yet, their funding for gun violence research was stripped in 1996 due to NRA lobbied Jay Dickey removing budget considerations for them. This dramatically restricted any data collection and not until 2012 did they start research on gun violence again. SMH
Supreme Court
These 9 old judges don’t often play a large role in this game, but have in the past. Striking down just about any state or federal law that tries to cross the second amendment. Because, you know, strict interpretation of the constitution works so well 230 years later…
Civilians
I can’t leave out the most important players, the actual people who buy, sell, and use guns. Whether they are FFL certified sellers, private sellers, private buyers, straw purchasers, or criminals: guns don’t kill people – people kill people with guns.
Rules of the Game:
Many laws have contributed to this complicated gun policy landscape, but I am going to focus on the two most important. There is also a few court cases, but I’ll just highlight one that sort of got us to where we are today.
This law was passed after many huge public figures were assassinated in short time. It charged the ATF with distributing and authorizing distributors of firearms with the FFL. The law was then bolstered in 1993 when the Brady Act was passed requiring all FFL holders to background check each purchaser. The main purpose of this bill was to disallow the capability of mail ordering weapons, which even the NRA agreed to at the time. (Since they mailed the gun that killed JFK) It initially tried to require by law all weapons be nationally registered and have all owners be nationally licensed, but that wouldn’t make it into the final law. Those are still managed per state, and some states are far more lackadaisical.
In many people’s opinion this was a huge mistake, ripping the second amendment open – bordering on tyranny. But honestly, it fell short of its aspirations, then was practically destroyed by the next law. Also, the text of the law only required businesses dealing weapons to own a FFL, not private 2nd market sellers. It also mandated FFL licensed dealers to sell exclusivley at the address listed on the FFL, but this wouldn’t last for long.
So this was a major de-regulation law. Not only did it give FFL holders the capability to sell at locations other than their listed address, it extremely loosened the definitions for a business dealing arms. Essentially it yanked a lot of authority from the ATF, since they were kinda going crazy at the time, and “gave the power back to law abiding, gun-owning, citizens”. But it opened up a huge loophole for criminals to exploit! (I’ll talk about this loophole in the next section)
This supreme court decision ruled in favor of Heller stating that DC’s handgun ban violated the individual’s right to own and bear arms. Essentially, this formally stated that the right to own and bear arms as stated in the second amendment was an individual right as opposed to a right reserved to a person in a militia. (LOL K) This did so much more than just recognize the fact that individuals have the right to own weapons for self-defense, it also reclassified handguns as legal arms and allowed guns to be stored loaded. These were all strikes to previous laws passed by congress, trending heavily toward loose regulation of guns. It however did not challenge any state jurisdiction, since DC isn’t technically a state. A later case asserted the federal authority, McDonald vs Chicago.
How Criminals Get Guns
First off, I want to reiterate, a majority of gun related deaths are suicide. While these are no longer deemed crimes, it’s still a very difficult societal matter. After all, we don’t want people killing themselves, with guns or meds or anything. So if we want to drop these gun death numbers, we should seriously consider a whole new approach to mental illness. I’ll save that for another post.
So there are a few ways criminals can get their hands on guns both legally and illegally through loopholes.
The most common way criminals get guns is through a second hand market. A private “seller” can basically say “they didn’t seem to be a criminal or mean any negative intent” and legally sell the gun. I put “sell” in quotes because it could just be given to them, no trade made. This is the way that most guns get into criminals hands, but who are the people selling them these guns? Who makes the initial “legal” purchase? It could be just about anybody honestly.
With the “Gun Show Loophole” any private seller can say the same thing at a large event where both FFL certified and uncertified vendors sell guns. They don’t have to background check, they don’t have to request identification, they don’t have to do anything but make a sale. (Capitalism at its finest) Even FFL certified sellers can do this if the specific weapon was transferred to personal ownership at least a year ago, I wonder if anybody forges documents in this industry? What I’m saying here is that even a convicted felon could walk into a gun show and purchase a weapon. Apparently the ATF reports that anywhere from 50-75% of sales are made from FFL certified dealers. Also, if you want to buy anything but a handgun, you don’t even have to be a citizen of the state! And from what I can tell from a few hidden camera videos, even that is rare, if you have the cash, they won’t ask for ID. These legal private sales are why so many gang members in California and Mexico have semi-automatic assault rifles, because they legally purchase them and smuggle them over state/national borders. The best part about this, the seller is almost never liable. Unless the buyer says “I am a felon/fugitive/minor/dishonorable discharge/mentally ill” the seller can legally claim ignorance.
Straw purchasers are another sub-problem. Remember that underage kid asking you to buy them beer? Yeah that’s what a straw purchase is. If a criminal wanted to get a gun through a FFL certified authority, they could get a legal purchaser to buy it for them. Then as you know, the second hand market is always a black one. However illegal this is, it’s almost untraceable and can be very easily ousted by that “good guy” claim.
How to Prevent Crime and Death
I often try to find corollaries when attempting to understand new topics. When looking at guns I couldn’t help but to think of cars. After all, they are items owned by individuals that aren’t inherently evil, can can easily become so. There are different kinds of guns and cars that require different licenses to own and operate. They both require a certain level of aptitude in order to operate. The only difference is that the right to drive isn’t in the bill of rights, damn. But seriously, so many restrictions on guns are shot down because it’s seen as a right. (No pun intended)
Realistic Policies
Whenever a pro-gun advocate says “they want to take away our guns”, I sorta laugh. There is no way guns will ever be completely outlawed, its practically impossible. Like I mentioned, there are more guns than people in america. Not only that, but people can legally make their own guns, and now people can even 3D print their own weapons. It would be complete nonsense to even attempt to round up all the weapons in american. We tried that with alcohol one time, and it had far more severely negative consequences. What we need to do is come up with sensible regulation and policy to curb this budding national health hazard. Here is what I think would work.
Licensing
13 states and DC require a license to own/purchase a firearm. Only one of them requires aptitude tests, my home state of California :). It’s honestly shocking that there is no federal mandate for states to require this sort of licensing for guns. After all, the DMV licensing program did a hell of a job at curbing vehicle deaths which were on the rise at the time. The license would cost a flat fee and would expire after a set time, just like a driver’s license. The gun owner would need to verify that they can pass a background check, and are not participating in illegal re-sale of firearms. There would be different license levels for different guns, accompanied by different tests to verify aptitude. Someone who knows how to shoot a handgun, doesn’t necessarily know how to operate a semi-automatic rifle, or shotgun. Sure, the triggers are similar, but so are gas pedals in sedans and 18-wheeler trucks.
In my mind, this is a no brainer. If an individual is caught with a gun and doesn’t have the appropriate license for it, it can be confiscated and the individual fined or jailed (semantics up to the state to determine). This is done to an extent somewhat with concealed carry and open carry licenses, but there is no clear consensus across states. If the federal government passed a law to mandate this, it would go a long way to preventing wrongful ownership of firearms.
Gun Titles/Registration
When you sell your vehicle, you have to fill out a vehicle ownership title transfer. Commonly referred to as a pink slip, you aren’t the legal owner of the vehicle until you get one. In my opinion, every gun should be registered to an individual, even after the first sale. This makes tracing gun transfers so much easier, and narrowing down on the offending seller of guns to criminals. If a gun is confiscated at the scene of the crime and the last owner isn’t involved, they will be partially liable for the crime, because they failed to fill out the proper paperwork to transfer ownership, or cloned it stolen through the police. This will encourage sellers to use the title transfer system for fear of liability. If multiple guns are found in crimes with the same final dealer, that should be considered a felony as they are obviously intentionally distributing guns to criminals.
Gun registration doesn’t have to cost much or even be re-purchased every year like car registration. Unless an argument is to be made that guns need to be smogged or something similar. This system would only be in place to determine ownership of firearms. There would be no limit on the amount of firearms you could own, like cars. A searchable database would be available to authorities to verify the legal ownership of a specific gun, or you would have to prove the owner has given you permission to hold it for them. Very similar to cars. If a car is unlicensed that’s a crime, so if a gun has its serial number removed, it’s illegal. Easy peasy.
Mandating NICS and Harsher Enforcement
The final piece of the puzzle to close the loophole is to require a National Instant Criminal Background Check System verification on every gun title change. Also, give ATF and local law enforcement more power to prosecute any illegal sale. Over 90% of the american population favor this legislation, the only reason it hasn’t been enacted is because of the NRA lobbying against it. This means that the test needs to be made available to private sellers. This provides a few problems. For one, sellers will have to self identify, maybe by being a gun owner with a license, you are assumed to sell privately, then being allowed to use the service. Or, you could have to apply for a seller designation on your license. It also will increase the demand for the check, which could be a technical problem, or just a man-power problem that the FBI would have to double down on.
More Research and Data
The CDC and NHHS need to be allowed to do more research on the affects of certain policies and crime rates. Having definitive information on what actions cause or correlate with others will give us a better understanding of the way guns are used. Similar to what needs to happen with marijuana, the more we relax these policies, we need to do more research on the affects of them. Like the 6% drop in opioid addiction cases since the legalization in Colorado. More data is almost never a bad thing, making informed decisions and policy DEFINITELY is never a bad thing. It’s shocking that for so long this was the case. Even Jay Dickey realized that before his death this year.
Mass Shootings and the Media
This section is admittedly going to be far smaller than the entirety of the rest of the post. Not because it doesn’t deserve the same attention, but because it’s a lot more opinionated that fact based. If you hadn’t noticed, mass shootings have been on the rise lately. The most recent big media hit was the Las Vegas shooting. The aforementioned proposals may help in not allowing this to happen again, but there is a far bigger perpetrator at play, the american media.
Sensationalizing crime for viewership has been a common occurrence since the origins of the police car chase. In fact, many entire shows popped up glorifying crime on TV. Violence sells, and the media outlets know that. Even worse, exclusive coverage sells. So unless all stations agree to not blast a story with national coverage, they are going to show what their competitors are showing to get a share of the views. (Once again, capitalism at its best) But this creates a huge problem when it comes to mass shootings.
“What we believe may be happening is national news media attention is like a ‘vector’ that reaches people who are vulnerable”, said Sherry Towers who is researching the rise of mass shootings in America. After racking the data, mass media coverage of mass shootings follow a contagion like model. Meaning: mass shootings are infectious if widely displayed on media. So what do we do? We stop blasting this on national news for weeks on end! This video says it better than I ever could. Maybe the government needs to get involved, but damn, we need to stop this nonsense before more people die needlessly.
Suicide
Mass shootings only account for 1% of gun related deaths. 65% is suicide. As mentioned earlier, that’s not okay. Something needs to be done about this, but the policy opportunities are slim. This is more of a social issue that we need to address as a society of people. Breaking the stigma of depression is a good place to start, but there is so much more to be done. I will post in the future about the state of mental health education and awareness in america. For now, just know that this is a huge deal for me. I hate when people kill each other, but I am far more affected by the fact that people kill themselves. Being in the situation myself, I can understand and empathize. Don’t expect this administration to give a shit about this issue. Try again in a few years, meanwhile almost 100 people kill themselves everyday… So, 100,000 people will commit suicide by the time we even get a chance to fully replace this trash administration.
How to Find Your Why
Introduction: Why Find Your Why
“The deepest urge in human nature is the desire to feel important” – John Dewey
Do you believe him? The early 20th century philosopher wasn’t the only one to recognize the deepest desires of man center around the feeling of importance. But it begs the question, how does one achieve the satisfaction of this urge? I wager most people would give an answer like work or family as how they derive their feeling of importance. However, I’d say they are missing a fundamental truth. One does not need the gratification of others to obtain a feeling of importance. Similar to self regulated feelings of success, individuals can tell when they are important without hearing any affirmation from others.
Every person derives happiness and importance in different ways. Like I said in my life mission video, the meaning of life is subjective for the individual and objective for society. Yet so many people don’t have a good understanding of what their why is. Simon Sinek gave a really good TED talk about how the greatest organizations are successful because they start with their why. But it works for people too. Most people are often distracted with the less important vagaries of life. So distracted that they never clearly define their reason for living, their why.
Many videos on the internet talk about how to find your life purpose, but never give practical advice. This post provides a practical way to discover your why and transition to a more purposeful life.
Another important question is: Can someone live their life happily without fulfilling this urge to feel important? My argument is, not for long. Two major emotions keep us alive, hope and fear. The hope for a better life and the fear of death. The moment you stop fearing death and don’t have any hope for a better future, suicide is fair game. I’ve been there, I know how it feels. Hope is a far reach when you don’t feel productive, don’t feel like you’re making a difference, don’t feel important. So without fulfilling this desire to be important, you open up the doors to a life void of hope.
I haven’t met a person yet that hasn’t been forced to struggle at some point in there life. No person I know hasn’t had doubts about their future, and many have been through very similar states as mine. However, from what I can tell, one needs to experience this sort of emotional low in order to make a pivotal realization. Keep living and fight for importance, or die/live in sorrow and complacency.
In this post I will highlight how to turn this realization into action, using my own personal story as an example. Navigating this transition is a very personal endeavor, there are many ways to do it, but this one is mine. The post will be split up into Pre-Transition, Transition, and Post-Transition. At the end I will conclude with some final tips for success and words of encouragement.
Pre-Transition: The Storm Before the Calm
There are usually only a choice few occasions that will arise in one’s life allowing for a real shift in mentality. If the individual doesn’t recognize these opportunities, or is not ready to make a change, they miss their chance to springboard themselves forward into purposeful happiness. So let me explain what the opportunity looks like so you won’t miss it.
First off, age doesn’t really matter. Generally, the sooner the better because if you are living a life without directive, you’ll end up like the 49 year old taco bell cashier I meet in Pittsburgh.
Before I go any further I want to provide a disclaimer, not every person needs to want to kill themselves in order to make a healthy transition. I hope nobody has to go through that feeling. Here’s what classifies an opportunity to revolutionize one’s life:
- An unavoidable life obstacle that challenges an individuals core beliefs or fundamental principles.
- A lot more fear than hope. The less hope, the better the opportunity to change. If hope is a gauge on your vehicle of life, the low light better be on.
- That last bit of hope must be a deeply rooted desire to have a better life. One must have that sole hope in order to grow it into a fully flourished motivation.
With just those three requirements any person can turn a hardship into a catalyst for incredible change. Without the first, there is no need. Without the second, there is no desire. Without the third, there is nowhere to begin.
If there is truly no hope left, I urge you to think about your whole life and what is left to live. Think of all the potential you can have in one day’s time, the lives you could change with so little of your effort and time. Then realize you can have many more days if you make a change now.
If all three of these factors are at play, don’t let the opportunity pass without taking it, you may never have the chance again.
For me, at 21, I went through an incredibly powerful depression for many months. I was about to graduate college with no idea what I really wanted to do. I lost the person I was closest to because of my self hatred. I became an alcoholic, and became reliant on drugs to distract me from the truth. The truth that I was loosing hope. I was lucky, others still believed in me, but I was dwindling day after day. On the brink of suicide I realized my opportunity. Young, full of potential, I could be whomever I wanted to be. So I put into motion a grand plan, to transition myself into adulthood and a happier, more purposeful life. With help, I recognized the root of my depression, and fought tremendously to repair my mental. And I still fight every day, because as you’ll soon hear, you must never stop trying.
Transition: Navigation
Once you recognize your opportunity is here and you are ready for a change, waste no time, make a plan.
Write your feelings down, this is an absolute must. Not only to document your transition, but to remind yourself daily of why you are moving forward. Get a book, a composition book, or a journal, whatever suits you best. Name it, not some human or pet name, name it something inspiring, something you want to remind yourself every time you see it. I named mine, “Never Stop Trying”, but you need to make it personal. Something like “Feel” or “Be Strong”, ya feel me?
This book represents your new life. It will always be on you, and will go wherever you go. Take it work, the gym, parties, I don’t care. You will need it at the most random times to remind yourself why this part of your life is so important.
The book will be split into three main sections; Principles, Goals, and Objectives. How you order it is up to you, but let me explain what belongs in each section.
My principles are in the back, they are broken up into four very important sections, which I consider the basic set every person should have. Desires, Needs, Values, and Passions. Each is a numbered list of emotions, concepts and items I feel belong in that category.
Desires: What do you want from this Earth, yourself and others?
Needs: What do you need from this Earth, yourself, and others? (I have another right after called material necessities where I list every thing that I need, it’s helpful to not be cluttered during this process)
Values: What do you love about this Earth, yourself, and others.
Passions: Why do you choose to keep living on this Earth?
Writing these down in list format will give you a physical reminder of what you want out of life. Everything that you write down should be from your own thought, don’t write something down that you’re not super confident in. Each list should be on its own separate page, and I would recommend leaving space in-between them in case your list flows onto the next page.
Some overlap between lists is alright. For instance: Love is number one on both my lists for desires and values.
What goes in the list can be either broad concepts like love or specific items like bubblegum. Always remember these lists define your core principles in life, be explicit. As mentioned, break up needs into material and meta so you can differentiate.
I strongly recommend being alone for this initial process. Give yourself some time to think clearly, creatively, and critically on these topics and fill up the pages with as many things as possible. On the other hand, don’t feel bad if your list doesn’t fill the page. Some of my sections only had 5 things listed for a while. You will continually update these lists and add more whenever you need to. And you better write down this book as a need haha.
Once you run out of ideas for additions to your lists on the first run, look them over. Read them and know them, after all, they are you. When you realize another, take a second to write it down. Waste no time, stop whatever you’re doing and put it in the book. The sooner it’s in the book the sooner you can implement it into your goals.
That’s right, you’re going to need to make goals. At least a rough plan on where you want to be in the future. I suggest planning it out as specifically as possible for 5 years down the road, then more general 10-15 years out. Each page in your goals section should be a period of time amounting to a few months all the way to a few years. These time periods are big chunks in your life that will present novel and challenging obstacles to overcome.
I’ll talk about the third section in the post transition phase, because that section grows by the day.
Overall, the initial transition shouldn’t take too long, less than a week I’d say. Of course, you’re not totally in the clear yet, but at this point you should have a good understanding of the general direction you want your life to go. The rest of the transition will include you working toward these goals, keeping in mind the principles you defined for yourself.
Post-Transition: Grinding
The last section will hold the bulk space of the book because you’ll be writing in it everyday. This is where you will write incremental goals on a daily basis. These objectives can be completed in a shorter time frame, and after completion you can cross them off. Think of a running TODO list. Each morning I write down what I want to accomplish that day and think about how that will help me realize my main goal. Another approach to this is utilizing this section as a sort of diary. I don’t think this is as functional since it doesn’t require you to be explicit with your daily intentions. So I would recommend my methodology, but remember to make it your own.
If fitness is one of your desires, take a page or two to create a workout regime. If health is one, take a page to plan out meals for a week. If it’s financial integrity, create a budget. See what I’m saying? This is where the action takes place. Take your principles and goals and create actionable objectives to realize them.
Don’t bullshit this, seriously. Nothing in this book should be a joke or not sincere, don’t lie to yourself let alone others.
Your thought process for this section should be, “What do I want to accomplish today and how will it help me move towards accomplishing my main goals?”
Try and hold yourself accountable, not only for writing in it everyday, but also for finishing the tasks you set for yourself. If you don’t accomplish all your objectives for the day, make sure they are at the top of the list for the next day. If an objective slips for more than a few days, reconsider its importance. What greater goal are you holding up by not doing this smaller one? Is it completely necessary? How can you break it down into smaller goals so you can better track your progress? These sorts of questions can aide you in understanding why you wrote it down in the first place and can help you move forward and accomplish them. For instance, writing down something like “apply for jobs” is futile, make it something like “apply to 5 companies”. SMART goals people.
It’s okay to miss a few days here and there. I encourage taking a few breaks as long as you are doing something you value. Try and limit this though, especially in the beginning. We are trying to build a habit, consistency is of utter importance. The more routine you make your life, the easier it’ll be.
I also use this section to take notes on major events in my life. Try not to clutter this section, but it’s all yours, so do what you want with it. And always do what makes you happy, that’s the goal of this all, so keep it in mind.
Conclusion: Tips and Closing Remarks
Just because you’ve passed the transition, it doesn’t mean you’re in the clear. As you write down goals recognize that each of them will require great strength to complete. Many more hardships are yet to be faced, many will be unplanned. Your general trend will be towards a happier life, but it will still have ups and downs always.
If you catch yourself slipping, not writing in the book daily or not feeling much better, go back through your goals and principles and remind yourself of your why. Convince yourself that going back isn’t an option and the only way forward is by keeping to this book and working hard.
You’re never truly done.
Celebrate major accomplishments, cross things off with a smile. You’re making progress! It’s important to recognize that!
When you run out of pages, celebrate by getting another book and christen it with a new name!
Be sober more. Don’t make excuses for yourself, don’t attempt to escape reality. In order to accomplish this transition you must have a deeply rooted understanding of what is real and what you’re capable of.
Love yourself! Be your greatest advocate, fight for what you believe in and defend this book. Be open to change and alteration of your goals. If something doesn’t feel right, change it.
As I mentioned before leave extra space after your goals and principles. If you change your mind on the goals you want to accomplish, don’t erase or tear out the page. Put an X on the page and write your new plan on the blank pages you gave yourself. Try not to do this too often, because your time is valuable and you want to be working productively towards the right goal.
Learn to be okay with being alone. This one is a tough one, but very important. Throughout your life there will be many times where you feel very alone. Recognizing that this is okay and only temporary will help you not fall into a deep sadness. Know your fears, encourage your hopes, and try to be in control of your emotions. Learn when it’s okay to be sad and when you should be happy. Never suppress your emotions, just try your hardest to understand why you are feeling them. Here’s a poem I wrote on this idea:
Alone is Okay Where in the world do you find yourself now? As you look up and down, left and right. You're alone, but not afraid. Worn, but not tattered. You wait for a message, a response to your call. You get it ... it's you ... and you hear, "Hello?" And that's when you realize, it's just you. Nobody's here to help. And that's okay.
Understand that it is going to be a lot of work. Life is not easy. Embrace the challenge and push forward into the darkness. You are the leader of your life, don’t follow anyone. You may lead with people, but never let anyone control your path. You can do this.
Video:
Trip: 2 Weeks a Nomad
Preface:
If you didn’t already know, I’m living out of my truck as a means to an end. That end is: learning all that I can about the nation, people, and me in order to properly focus my passion. The past two weeks have been filled with many incredible moments and a few terrible ones. Overall, I’ve never lived a happier life, and its getting better every day. I feel free, and I wake up with a smile – reliably. Here is the recap for my first two weeks on the road!
I’m not going to add media to this post because my laptop isn’t the best at video editing, and most everything would be taken out of the streamed video. So, I’ll promise to make a totally sick whole trip recap video that will show you the transition I made (at the end of the trip). It will have music, video, and of course bloopers!
Week 1: Tahoe, Reno, Salt Lake City, Yellowstone
Week one was spent mostly on the west side of the Mississippi. The main struggles involved figuring out a comfortable sleeping situation, and how I was going to eat.
Parking outside somebodies place and hopping into the back of a truck and closing it on yourself is legal, but really weird. So I go to bed late at night, the only problem with that is waking up at dawn. I lost a lot of sleep in the first week because I hadn’t adjusted. The bed itself needed some more cushion so I put all my blankets under me and sleep in my sleeping bag. So far, I’ve been getting great rest.
The only real difficulty I was met with eating was finding an appropriate place to make my food. Essentially, I needed to get over the fact that I’m making food and eating it in some parking lot. I try to cook nearby grass so I can poor out the water when washing. (not onto concrete) I’ve gotten over this and eat well every day. I had some cravings in the beginning because I wasn’t eating enough, but I’ve solved that as well.
The successes were far more abound: it hailed in Tahoe and snowed in Yellowstone, I skated some insane lines in Salt Lake and Reno, and may have a new favorite National Park.
Week 2: Denver/Boulder, St. Louis, Chicago, Pittsburgh
Week 2 brought with it it’s own challenges, like finding overnight parking inside a major city and the pains of skating/moving a lot.
Many places like Walmart and Planet Fitness are 24/7 but have signs up in the parking lot stating tow, ticket or boot for overnight parking. I even witnessed a lady with an RV calling the police on a tow operator because no signs were posted in a specific lot. So you have to get creative, and sometimes hiding in plain sight is the only way to go. For the mean time, I’m just trying to keep my vehicle safe and in shape.
I’ve skated in all the towns, and totally wiped out once. (and I caught it on stream!) With that comes some joint pain for traveling anywhere from 5 to 20 miles in a day, it’s manageable but I have been taking a break.
On the bright sides, I’ve met so many new people, and had experiences I never imagined I would. Found some incredible secret spots, fulfilled many of my childhood dreams and made it to the eastern timezone!
CMU has been more than incredible, considering this trip’s only real justification was to visit potential PhD universities, this has been the best place so far. I connected with the CMU Delt Chapter and have already been aided tremendously by my brothers, from a bed to beers and even to program connections. I got to meet with 3 PhD students, the Director of the program (who’s a badass), admissions faculty, and many potential advisers. I’m taking the “be yourself, express your passions, find your way” approach. So far I’m in love with the program, university, and city. I haven’t seen it in winter though 🙂
Up Next: Boston, Seattle, N.Y.
I’m heading to Boston to research MIT and check out Harvard. I also have heard that there are awesome jazz clubs there and NY, so you KNOW I need to check that out.
The reason why Seattle is squeezed in there is because I have an interview with Amazon and they are flying me out for three days. I am beyond excited! Not only to I get to experience a whole new place I’ve never been, but like Amazon – that’s one of the coolest companies around. They are on the cutting edge of so many technologies. I’m pretty sure I’ve dreamed of being a developer there. In all seriousness, I hope I am the right fit for a good team in the company and I get to start work on a great product.
I’m looking forward to streaming more of it too! I missed a few days due to exhaustion and driving, but you can watch me live at twitch.tv/jamescaud. All my videos for past live streams are there too, so check out some of these incredible places I’ve visited!
AI Driving Unemployment – A Cause for Concern
*The title of this post is an intentional pun, however unfunny the topic.*
Overview:
Autonomous vehicles are a hot topic in today’s technical, economic, and social landscape. Over 30 separate companies are actively pursuing some form of autonomous driving application, some more advanced than others. Regardless, with the consumer market biting at any sort of auto-piloting system available, there’s an argument to be made that fully autonomous vehicles are a plausible inevitability. With the gears of capitalism in full torque, it’s more a question of when, than if.
With that in mind, planning for the transition is an unpleasant task for those who wield political power. Unfortunately, not many are actively considering possible avenues of support for those to be affected by this appending unemployment wave. Now, before I go any further, it’s important to realize that predicting timelines for nascent technologies is almost never accurate. For instance, Google predicted its driverless software to be marketable this year (obviously it’s not), probably fueled by some Kurzweil ideology. Nevertheless, this is something we can see coming, and yet the government seems to favor a more reactive approach. Maybe that’s because they’re slow, or maybe it’s negligence. Either way, if no action is taken proactively, we could see 2% of the U.S. workforce wither into the tech induced graveyard. Luckily, some people are researching this very topic.
In March of this year, just six months ago, the Center for Global Policy Solutions (CGPS) released an exhaustive report on the state of AI driving affairs. There is no way I could paraphrase this magnificent piece, so instead I’ll link you and urge a read of the relatively short executive summary. Report
I agree with most of the report, the only thing I believe lacking were more fleshed out alternatives to the potential jobless drivers. After dwelling on the issue myself for many weeks and reading countless opinion pieces as well as statistics, I have a few of my own recommendations. Some coincide with this report, others are stolen from technoeconomists. (I made that word up) Alas, any new idea I thought I had ended up being something that already existed, but would take major alteration to apply to this issue on a grand scale. Okie dokie, enough preface, lets jump right in.
Scary Statistics:
Whenever anyone starts putting numbers to people, I get really sick. If I took anything away from watching The Big Short, it’s that increased unemployment means more than just human suffering, it means death. The figure in the movie is a bit exaggerated and in reference to the world economy. The real figure for american lives lost due to a 1% raise in unemployment is more around 1,500. You may think, “wow that’s only .0005% of our population”, but I think, “Imagine every person you know dying, times 3”. Needless to say, it’s imperative that as a society we do our very best to ensure a graceful transition to a driver-less nation. (Also, I am only focusing on America for many reasons: 1. The report did too, 2. Driving is way different around the world, 3. I have no idea how half of the other nation’s governments even work 4. Starting “small”)
Big picture statistics provided by CGPS estimate that 4.1 million individuals are employed in driving occupations. This includes: 78% delivery and long haul trucking, 14% bus drivers, and 8% taxi/chauffeurs. Of that 4.1 million, 88% are men and 12% are women. Even more terrifying, 97% don’t have a college degree. This proves to be the most challenging statistic because in order to find employment, most drivers will need re-training. Whether that is getting a degree, or learning a new trade, that will be time and money they may not have.
What will most likely happen before any completely autonomous agents are roaming the roads is autopiloted systems with a driver present. This provides a unique opportunity for drivers to learn/re-train and work at the same time. Depending on the quality of the autopilot system, they may be able to spend most of their time watching lectures of some sort. Leaving the refueling, maintenance, and approach/docking procedures to the driver. More on this later.
The report also mentioned specific states that would be at risk, holding a larger percentage of their workforce in the industry. As much as I think this is helpful for state legislatures to make decisions, I’m not going to highlight it here. Many of my recommendations work for both the federal and state level of governance, but I will speak almost exclusively of the benefits reaped from total federal adoption. Sometimes I think the states are more at odds with DC than they should be, seems like they were designed to work together and often do the opposite.
Possible AI Incapabilities:
After consulting with a few truckers (yes I sought out and talked with those to be affected) they all mentioned a few duties they thought would be difficult to automate, ensuring their job security. These included as already mentioned: refueling, delivery to storefront, maintenance, docking/loading/unloading items. One trucker even mentioned a sort of highway robbery scenario where bandits would stand in the road expecting the system to auto-brake and then bust into the truck to steal all the goodies. As much as I agree with these insider opinions, it’s arguable that these tasks are no more difficult than driving itself.
Hopefully, all these new autonomous vehicles will be electric. And “refueling” could mean one of two things: recharging or a battery swap. Wireless charging has been around for many years, but it’s not awesome. (Apple seems to have flip-flopped with their new X device) Tesla, one of the leaders in the field has been designing autonomous wired charging bots and I’m sure will deliver more robust solutions in the future.
So, the car will be able to recharge itself, what about maintenance? This is by far the more challenging obstacle. Ideally all maintenance is done before each trip at the departure location which could be done by either one person, or maybe someday an automated robot. But, many issues may arise along the road that AI drivers could not possibly anticipate. Emergencies like tire blowouts would seemingly have to have some human interaction.
For delivering/docking/loading/unloading, these would be interesting engineering feats to automate, but I believe a lot of ground could be covered if the processes were redesigned with the autonomous car in mind. Say you’re a keg delivery man; instead of having to get out of the truck, open the door, unload the keg and wheel it to the storefront or whatever, the truck was packed so that each keg came out in order of delivery and could be set in a predetermined location. Of course this is a gross over estimation, but reasonable negotiations could be made per industry I imagine.
Lastly, for the highway robbery case, I would suggest something like a lock-down protocol that called the authorities immediately after recognizing` a threat. Maybe the shell of the truck would become magnetized or electrified. I don’t know, it’s a crazy thought in the first place.
Plausible Inevitability:
As I mentioned earlier, it’s safe to say that this technology will come to fruition. It’s our duty to provide assistance to those who will be affected by this change. Something else to consider is the other industries that may be affected. Many people think car ownership will drop dramatically since we will be able to hail cars, so does that mean all car salespeople will be out of jobs too? This is one aspect of the CGPS report that was mostly neglected. It’s important to think of the secondary industries that can be hurt by this appending transition to autonomous vehicles. The 4.1 million jobs may be a gross underestimation if all the affected industries were accounted for. I could speculate, but I’m not fully aware of the implications and the numerous other secondary industries. Other authors mentioned aftermarket part installers, parking clerks, and insurance dealers. It’s hard to say what the full effect will be.
Needless to say, something needs to be done about the issue. When I thought about possible solutions I came up with 6 major categories of possible support methods, they are:
- “Make New Jobs”
- Outlaw/Regulate the Technology
- Wealth Refactoring
- Workforce Redistribution
- Better Federal Social Support Systems
- Fundamentally Redefining Work
I will discuss each in detail in the following section.
Alternatives:
“Make New Jobs”
I put this in quotes because it’s something many economists preach as the best solution to tech induced unemployment. In the past decades this has certainly been true, and will somewhat be in the near future. But the important thing to realize is the rate of creation. Currently job creation has stagnated. And after witnessing the mass unemployment wave in 2008, it should be obvious that it’s not always easy to get a new job. Most new jobs are in small technology based firms or self-employed entrepreneurs. The report mentions the necessity for entrepreneur education in secondary school. This, along with many other things, would be important to teach to our youth. Maybe some day I will write a post on the necessary changes to America’s education system, but for now I don’t think it will be enough.
New jobs nowadays most often require a college education, which is something these drivers don’t have. What I think this should mean is expanding the workforce in a few select industries, construction being one of them. It will be a while until we automate the building and repairing of our domestic infrastructure, ensuring job security. Of course, this still requires a targeted skill set that the drivers may not have. But instead of relying on new jobs to spring out of nowhere, we should target markets that are currently experiencing worker deficits. More on this later.
Outlaw/Regulate the Technology
An obvious way to ensure these individuals won’t lose their jobs is to completely outlaw the technology. Not only is this morally repugnant, this is counterproductive to any policy ideology. When visiting Oregon I was disgusted to find out that a law passed in 1951 prohibited me from pumping my own gas. This law has two main justifications, safety and jobs. That’s bullshit. Not only has nozzle/pump technology been greatly advanced in the past 60 years, but those jobs hurt the economy more than help. Costing citizens extra pennies at the pump to pay for a service they can 100% do themselves.
In general, a law should never be passed to protect jobs, only to create more purposeful ones. So, outlawing the technology to protect these jobs is bad practice, but regulation is a necessity. Similar to how there are pump regulations ensuring safety, these AI systems need to be strictly regulated in order to insure public safety. Extensive field tests are necessary, and an independent committee should be formed to create them. Manufactures and the public should be consulted to find an agreeable form of autonomous driving regulation. Let’s make sure this is as bi-partisan and unbiased as possible. After all, vehicles are the most deadly weapon we’ve ever made based on the sheer numbers.
So yeah, I know government is already way to big, but we need another agency. ADC, Autonomous Driving Committee, or something, to police these up and coming tech giants, create comprehensive regulation and administer the tests and data collection of these systems. Luckily, it’s on the list of things to vote on, but missed the summer recess. Hopefully they hash things out when they return.
Wealth Refactoring
This without a doubt will need to happen. Now I’m not asking to abolish capitalism for socialism, but think about the increased profit to be expected by these trucking/taxi companies. Trucking companies spend around 30% paying their employees, that would mean an immediate 30% profit boost. Not to mention the increased hours of operation allowed by the technology, boosting the total profits even more. Companies like Uber take around 20% from their drivers. With autonomous agents, that would be a 500% profit increase. Not only should these companies pay for necessary infrastructure updates (if any), they should expect to be taxed more. Those returns should go directly to those programs dedicated to helping the recently unemployed. I’m not suggesting gutting their profits to match pre-AI figures, but a fair percentage should be agreed upon.
Workforce Redistribution
As mentioned in the Outlaw/Regulate section this is a must. The important questions are how, where, and when. (who, what, why is obvious at this point) I haven’t thought of all the possible industries, nor all possible avenues of opportunity. These are merely my thoughts and ideas after reading many books on the subject and consulting with some of the data.
Instead of looking at the workers first, lets look at the job shortages in america. Its important to look at job necessity trends as well as current need to properly estimate the lacking job markets in 20-30 years. But most economists agree across pretty much all developed nations that the three things we will need more workers in are construction, engineering/manufacturing, and caretakers. The workers should have all the choice in what they want to do, but the government should entice these industries in some form. Not only that, but we especially don’t want workers going into programs that will waste their time and money getting a degree that doesn’t award them an income.
Construction workers are needed because a much of our infrastructure is decaying. Engineers and manufacturers are needed because we need to keep developing solutions to scientific and technology based problems. And care takers because of all the soon to be very old people. The government can sponsor work placement programs that host educational content and guidance on the importance and usefulness of these careers.
Next up is to think of how to do this, Jerry Kaplan, an optimistic economist, (yeah they exist) had the idea of a job mortgage. Companies would agree to hire an individual if they passed some educational qualifier, and the individual would take out a loan against their future paycheck. Thiscould be a financial tool for the individual and a motivator for qualification programs to create a competitive learning environment. The companies get tax write-offs, the banks get interest, the workers get a new job: somehow everybody gets paid.
The report mentioned an increase in apprenticeship, which wouldn’t be too bad. But what I think their best suggestion was, and this is something quite controversial, lowering the cost of a college education. The government pays more for not only these workers who want to gain a degree, but young individuals too. After all, those are the groups facing harshest unemployment. Fuck it, even if they study music, at least they are able to contribute to society again. It’s of dire importance to find another ‘thing’ to do, even if it is not going to give them income (I have a solution to this later). Because the data for middle aged unemployment is already getting scary.
Last is when, and this question varies the most due to the proposed timeline being so fuzzy. In my opinion, I believe that there will be a period of regulation and testing amounting to at least 5 years before the government deems them safe enough to be truly unmanned. This may have already started. Even after that, the companies may stick with a driver is they choose to do so. Not for long I bet, maybe 15 more years until human driving is outlawed entirely (in America). So after a truly revolutionary and complete level 5 autonomous application is developed, 5 years with a mandated driver, then 15 years after humans are not allowed. I truly expect a 20 year cycle from driver to driverless. In the 5 years of a mandated diver, the workers should spend time thinking about potential exit strategies, and maybe even start introductory courses in the subject of their choosing. Many things can be learned online today, and if the driver was only needed for a fraction of the time, they could listen to lectures/watch videos when they could spare the opportunity. This would greatly soften the blow to the transition. Then hopefully immediately after they get laid off by the company, they can start pursuing their new career path. Or maybe the companies work with the employees to transition immediately on a scheduled date.
Better Federal Social Support Systems
The report mentioned the need for automatic enrollment in services like unemployment insurance and medicaid. As of now, these programs also need a massive funding increase. Today in America, only 25% of those who applied and qualified for UI were given it, pretty messed up right? We pay so much in taxes, yet so much of it goes to useless purposes, and year after year budgets get cut for the most important services.
I propose the need to change dramatically the way we provide for the old, poor, sick and defeated. First off, nobody should have to live in squalor. Nobody should be denied a service they qualify for and need. Americans should have a standard of living higher than any other nation. How do we do this? We re-imagine social support provided by the government.
Social security is probably the greatest thing that America has ever implemented, in fact it’s also the most reliable. The fact that it is still helping people 80 after its inception is frankly remarkable. But it’s failing. The baby boomers are growing older, and birth rates have been at all time lows for decades. This means there are no longer enough workers to pay for all the recipients, and people are growing older than ever before. My grandma suggests taking more from workers to compensate, I suggest we do something completely different. The first thing you can do is remove the income cap, which always sounds downright illegal. The second is progressive basic income (PBI).
Before you puke on your screen, and cast me aside like the socialist I am, heard me out. Progressive basic income is very similar to social security, and would not replace it, but instead be supplementary to the service. Slightly different than universal basic income, which grants every individual the same monthly benefits, progressive basic income is a calculated needs based government supplement. It would never be enough to live off of exclusively, however nor was social security but over 33% of its recipients make it so. When it comes to the very poor and maybe homeless, rich people say “get a job”, then I say, how can they do that without X. PBI could give these people the opportunity to get that X, whether it transportation, clothes, or food. The reason I favor progressive vs. universal is because many people don’t need this, and their share of UBI could go towards the PBI share of the very unfortunate. PBI, automatic UI, and modified Medicare/Medicaid would cushion any job loss, not just those lost due to trucking.
Fundamentally Redefining Work
This section is reserved for the last because it is the most radical and least time sensitive. I’ve many a time imagined a world where less than the majority of people work a conventional job as we know it today. Would half of our population be on the streets? No, because at this point we would have enacted many of the above policies and probably more. Nevertheless people still need something to do, and should be compensated in some form for whatever it is. So what could a solution for this be?
Community service crowd-sourced income. Sites like JustServe and GiveGab sort of offer the services I’m talking about. My ideology is that the government would run a service like this in which every non-profit and interested person could make an account. Normally the government is crap at hosting online services like this, but I can imagine a day where they hire more software developers to create and maintain a platform like this. Or maybe they’ll just contract it out. Either way, this would be a way for people to do things on a day to day basis, get them involved in their community and provide small monetary sustenance. Where’s the money come from you ask? I had the same question when looking at these already existing services. The service providers aren’t themselves non-profits right? It mainly comes from organization membership fees, which in turn means it comes from government stimuli to the non-profit, and donations. If the government took out the middle man, they could charge organizations less, and also pay the workers a bit.
I know it’s odd, community service for money, but you have to realize the difference between volunteer and community service. One of which you usually get a reward other than that “good feeling”. It may be far-fetched, but this would pay huge dividends for public good and increased quality of life. Communities would be safer and more happy. The logistics would need to be discussed and argued about, but the main idea seems pleasant to me. Say its 2040, I’m unemployed and receiving welfare checks that pay for my modest lifestyle. But I want to get more involved with the people around me and make some extra money because I want to start a new hobby. If a popular service was in place, I could wake up in the morning, sign up for an event, work a shift and get a slight increase on my next month’s check. An app would track this for me, and have all the tools for my welfare need. I say slight increase thinking a few dollars, but it would all depend on the job. Organizations could set all sorts of settings on the app for who could do the work and for how much, and the service would automatically grant or deny the job opportunity based on the percentage of total budget allotted to the organization over a specific period. Remember, this is when more than a majority of capable workers are unemployed.
Conclusion:
I may not have covered all my bases, but I hope I’ve at least convinced you of the importance of this problem. The need for solutions is there, and time is always ticking. We as a society need to recognize the issues involved with transitioning to a driverless nation and demand that our governments act proactively to solve them. From regulation to worker redistribution, this issue needs a compilation of efforts to ensure gracefulness. If done correctly, the building blocks could be set in place for other potential AI induced industry disruptions. Lets try not to have another recession, let’s take care of our people. Comment below your curiosities and arguments.
YouTube Treasures: Domain of Science
One of my favorite YouTube channels, Domain of Science, released a brand new video: Map of Computer Science. And it’s amazing.
Channel’s Purpose
The channel caught my interest a few months ago when they started releasing fully comprehensive surveys of modern scientific study. For an individual interested in the pursuit of science and knowledge this is the exact type of content you yearn for. Now, for many of their other mapping videos, such as mathematics and physics, many of the discussed sub-fields I had no idea about other than the fact they existed. The brief explanation that the narrator adds on each subject helps the viewer understand the general purpose and it’s connections to other sub-fields. This relational teaching style is unfortunately often neglected in formal education. For individuals looking for possible career paths or passions, all they have to do is watch the video and pause it the moment their mouth drops or head tilts with curiosity. I highly suggest subscribing to the channel, their content is clear, concise, and beautifully graphical.
Map of Computer Science
This most recent video made me quite happy. It’s one thing to go to university, take all the mandatory classes, and attempt to piece together the segmented material. It’s a whole other thing to see them all together on one map. I linked it to my university’s computer science Facebook page, and it was the first time I posted there. You can kinda tell how much I liked it just by that. The reason I loved it so much is that I had been planning on making some sort of similar content, but knew I’d never be able to do so as professionally. (I sorta started with the For What it’s Worth: My College Education post) Stepping though each part of the video, I felt confident in my knowledge of the subject area and that I’d be able to talk about it for hours. In fact, I did so with my parents. This video reinforced my education as a computer engineer. Having such a great breadth of knowledge in a huge, ever-growing field as computer science is something I truly treasure. I feel that my bachelors degree program achieved an educational level of success unrecognized to me and many other graduates. With videos like this, computer engineers/scientists can more or less examine their personal knowledge scope. For some students it’s not important to know all the theory and history. But for student’s like me, it’s vital to learn about the field from day one to present and every single subject in between. Not until every piece is visualized can the full picture be understood. Confidence in one’s previous knowledge is essential in the pursuit of learning, and this video gave me confidence. Now a choice needs to be made, focus on a single sub-field and become an expert, or use my breadth to achieve advancements outside the field. Unfortunately, I can’t just flip a coin on that one.
Trip: High Sierra Trail and Structures
After numerous injuries I finally got back into the woods, solo hammock backpacking as prescribed. I wanted to spend time thinking about what my next step really should be and what the main reasons for human perseverance are. I also tasked myself with exploring a curiosity of mine that has been brewing since my trip to Europe, why do old buildings still stand today? To quench this curiosity I brought with me an Elon Musk book recommendation called Structures: Or Why Things Don’t Fall Down by J.E. Gordon, a dead Englishman.
High Sierra
The beginning of this trail starts off to a very breathtaking start, within a few miles you are greeted with a view of the entire sequoia lower valley. After 12 miles there is Bear Paw Campsite, there I ran into Cal Poly Ag Staff whom were surprised to see a recent grad out on a weekday. Excuse my cheesy selfie.
Hamilton Lakes
Up maybe 5 miles from the campsite was my primary destination, Hamilton Lakes. This site offered breathtaking views and awesome swimming/tanning (burning). After a day hike and dinner, I decided to call it the next day meaning a long hike home. I woke up at 5 to dear eating my hat, started walking, stumbled upon a mountain lion and two bears (which luckily ran off) and hiked a strong 18 out.
Technology as a Storyteller
I realized many a thing on this trip, one of them being the incredibly influential power of hope and fear, another being the understanding of structures.
I spent more than my trip worth of time reading this book and was happy to finally learn and understand the beauty of some of these insane structures I’d seen in Europe. More importantly I gained an appreciation for the science of building, which in itself is a marvelous storyteller of human history. I’ve always loved learning about the history of man through his many great inventions. It was not until this book that I realized the great science/technology that is materials and structures and elasticity. I learned about stress, strain, tension, compression, strength, stiffness, shear, torsion, cantilever and fixed point beams, trusses, thrust lines, cracks, crumbles, and many other failures. Most importantly I learned about the correlations between man-made and evolutionary-made materials and structures. Lastly, I gained far more appreciation for all the architects and builders out there who continue to push both the theoretical and aesthetic boundaries.
Final Thought
The very last part of this book, whilst reading at the beach, was very dark. The author was writing during a time of little architectural inspiration. He wrote about the duties of an engineer and how efficiency and aesthetics are common day trade-offs when they shouldn’t be. One quote that is pretty un-relevant to structures but relevant to the times is, “Although we may justly accuse modern engineers of philistinism, nearly all of them do cling to certain very important values which are unfashionable and unpopular in a permissive age. The chief of these are objectivity and responsibility. Engineers have to deal, not only with people and all their quirks and weaknesses, but also with physical facts. One can sometimes argue with people, and it is not difficult to deceive them; but it is of no use to argue with a physical fact. One cannot bully it or bribe it or legislate against it or pretend that the truth is something different or that the thing never happened at all. Laymen and politicians may create what fantasies they choose, but, for the engineers, ‘It is their care that the gear engages; it is their care that the switches lock.’ Essentially, these people’s stuff must work, and go on working, safely and economically.” Maybe we should have an engineer for president?
For What It’s Worth: AI and Government
Introduction:
My two favorite things in the whole world, Artificial Intelligence and Government! What is their value, and what sort of interdisciplinary cooperation is necessary to make the world a better place for everybody? I decided to write this now because of a talk Elon Musk gave to a set of America’s Governors where he discussed his business’s plans, the global energy crisis, and the dangers of AI, here is the video. He mentioned again the need for a regulatory agency, or something similar, to ensure the creation of benevolent human-value aligned AI. Which is something I firmly believe is necessary and even want to make a career out of. In this piece I will highlight major advancements in technology and propose significant changes to the way we humans view public policy and governance. There are four sections: AI, Government, AI Helping Government, Government Helping AI. Some definitions and clarifications before I begin:
- AI is any intelligent software and/or hardware combination that operates somewhere on the scale of cognition between dust and humans but is not a living being.
- Government is in most cases meant to be the USA federal government, unless further specified. State institutions are often very similar in structure and thus can stand to benefit from the same recommendations.
- I’m not an expert in either of these fields yet, so read with scrutinous eyes. My opinion is not just my own, but is mine to own.
Let’s dive in!
AI:
Known to many as HAL 9000, Skynet, or Watson, artificial agents are forced to live with the cheesy names we humans give them long after their heyday. Now, two of those AI’s mentioned are fictional, the same two are also malevolent. The third, Watson, is real, and has already started saving lives, literally. The research and development of intelligent systems and algorithms has always been shrouded by public misunderstanding, mostly due to Hollywood’s sensationalism of terror inducing AI. Granted, many scenarios portrayed in film and television are not incredibly far fetched, but they are still too shaky a forecast of what is to come. One thing is for sure, the general populous needs to learn more about the improvements and breakthroughs happening today in artificial intelligence. Their livelihood could potentially be effected by a sweeping wave of new innovations targeting the most automatable parts of civilian life. As a paranoid silicon valley engineer once quoted, “I don’t know of a single job that doesn’t have some Y Combinator startup desperately trying to code it out of existence.” To understand the state of affairs, it’s important to break down the large field of AI and examine each subset’s value and momentum.
A good breakdown of the major components that make up today’s AI is provided by an article by Deloitte on AI’s potential impact on government, posted here. They are:
- Expert/Rule-Based Systems
- Natural Language Processing (Speech Recognition/Machine Translation)
- Computer Vision
- Robotics
- Machine Learning
Of course, there is often multiple pieces used at once by any one project, but these are the pieces themselves. I’ll mention briefly the importance of each and what is happening to develop them further.
Also, this has nothing to do with what is commonly referred to as Artificial General Intelligence or Artificial Super Intelligence, since those are theoretical states of intelligence. Hypothesizing the future state of a budding technology is both naive and dangerous. I present only information that is either in development currently or already created. However, this is not to say that the development of intelligent, potentially self-replicating software isn’t an incredible technology, it is and may be a top 5 human invention. Every powerful technology has its even share of potential harm and benefit. You just have to try to realize the full impact an enabling development like that has, then try to guarantee the maximum positive impact in reality.
So let’s talk about modern day AI.
Expert Systems:
Our knowledge of automated systems is almost entirely due to expert systems. In the early days of AI research many scientists thought they could create algorithms that worked in a specific domain by coding in a large breadth of expert knowledge. This was just before the second AI winter, a period of time where funding dropped off due to a lack of commercial viability. At the time (late 80’s) over 1 billion dollars was being invested into the promise that AI would be “solved” within a generation. These systems were not a complete bust, many just couldn’t process data quick enough to give a valuable answer. Others simply didn’t have enough knowledge programmed in. Most chat bots or automated telephone system are an example of these expert systems in service. Not many people enjoy a robot picking up the phone instead of a human being, but the fact of the matter is that millions of man hours and company dollars are saved every year because of these programs. So however unaesthetic these systems are, they demand respect because as much as you hate having to click through to a get a human assistant, you probably hate more having to wait on hold for hours.
Natural Language Processing (NLP):
Without a doubt, the most important human invention of all time was one of the first, language. When you consider language a man-made technology, it’s obvious how much you take it for granted. Being able to efficiently communicate ideas to each other is what fostered the growth of communities and enabled us as a species to speed up our own evolution. Written and spoken language set us apart from any other animal. All technological advancement ever would not have been possible without the verbalization of ideas, and then the passing along of those ideas to others in the form of writing. Now, thousands of years later, it seems we are finally going full circle with the mission of teaching computers how to communicate like humans. We are trying to teach a man-made technology how to use another man-made technology. NLP, generally, is the attempt to understand the rules and norms of natural human language. There are two main sub-fields: speech recognition and machine translation.
Speech recognition is the transcribing of spoken language to written language. The other way around isn’t as hard since almost all the rules for speech are written down for different languages. Speech recognition is difficult because humans often speak with ambiguity intentionally, meaning of words are implied with context. Context is never easy for computers to understand. Take sarcasm for instance, software is super great at understanding sarcasm. (lol jk)
Machine translation is the science of taking a set of text in one language and turning it into the same text in a different language. For small string lengths this is not as challenging, but holding context after translation of a large document is near impossible. Methods for these NLP tasks has changed over the years, originally using a bottom up approach of breaking down language into sounds and smaller sub-word structures then building sentences and paragraphs from those sounds or words. Nowadays, a lot of this is done with the help of machine learning off of human transcribed/translated data. This research is fairly dominated by Google, since a Google search really is just understanding a natural language query and returning the most desired information. Plus Google Translate is the most used translation service on the web. Recent developments are only a few months old, and their algorithms are even creating a new language to help understand them all?
Computer Vision:
Similar to how NLP is focused on hearing and understanding human ideas, computer vision is focused on seeing and understanding the world around us. This, also like NLP, relies heavily on machine learning for progress. Some older techniques utilized multiple types of cameras and sensors, but there is a big move in industry towards only using regular 3-color photographs. The idea that many researchers have in their head is, “If the brain and eyes can do it with lenses, rods, cones, and some back-end processing, so can we.” (sorta) Take for instance autonomous vehicles, in the beginning of their development, many companies achieved the feat with an array of LIDAR and motion tracking cameras. Now, many of the forerunners are using only cameras and learning off that data alone. Facebook has one of the largest steaks in this technology because it’s widely used as a image sharing platform (especially with the purchase of Instagram). They implement facial recognition software to auto tag your friends and you in pictures, and now are moving toward even more robust capabilities. Soon, labeling all sorts of objects in moving images will be possible. Thanks to the incredible ground work done at Stanford on a project called ImageNet, Facebook is leading a computer vision revolution.
Robotics:
This is truly where AI becomes visual. Advances in robot manufacturing to create human-like bodies for these intelligent systems may be a large step in the wrong direction, but not many people really want that anyway. Currently the cutting edge of AI and robotics is taking place on the eastern hemisphere. As western cultures continue to be timid accepting robots into daily life, countries like Japan are welcoming them. All over the developed world more people are getting older and living longer. The average age of many countries is trending up, this means that there is going to be a higher demand for care-givers for old people. In places where immigration is not an option, the only answer is robotics. Autonomous cars can also be considered robots. I don’t pay much attention to robotics because I think the most important AI will be almost entirely software based and on devices whose primary use is shared with the AI. Like phones.
Machine Learning:
Without a doubt machine learning will revolutionize the way we view intelligence and the way we think about learning. This sub-field can be broken down into smaller subsets: Supervised, Unsupervised, and Reinforcement Learning. Each of these has their applications, whether it’s grouping similar things (clustering), or classifying objects (classification), machine learning is all about taking data and recognizing patterns. If the data is labeled, the algorithm has some insight to learn off of. If there are no labels, the algorithm seeks to gain insight from realizing all examples. What I think is the most potentially groundbreaking sub-field is deep reinforcement learning. This is where an artificial neural network is trained on live streaming data and is tasked with some optimization function. When you think about human learning abstractly, this seems nearly exactly the same. Advancements in this field are shared by almost all tech companies since the boom of deep learning in 2016. But the company with the most gusto right now would probably be Deepmind, since they started the craze with AlphaGo. These people are pushing to create AGI, artificial general intelligence, and they are very clearly on the right path.
AI scientists are feverishly innovating, trying to build on past inventions to create new marketable algorithms. Different companies are interested in similar tools, so there is some communication, but not much. Some companies are starting to request patents on certain machine learning technologies. I’m all for science and the discovery of new tools and technologies, but there seems to be something missing, right . . . ethics. There are many engineers working very hard to create incredible systems, so many that the philosophers are having a hard time keeping up.
AI Ethics:
There are many non-profit organisations working toward the goal of formalizing AI research and creating a set of standards to govern development. There are a lot more thorny problems when it comes to the development of AI software, many of them centering around what sort of minimizing/maximizing function is morally right and aligned with human values. But much of the AI ethics discussion is also dominated by the idea of mass human unemployment. I’ll talk more about this is a later section, but let me just say this now, we as a society need to talk about what is right and wrong when it comes to introducing a new technology to this world. AI has the potential to both destroy and beautify this universe, the more people dedicated to finding how each scenario plays out the better.
Government:
Never before has American government been so broken, corrupt, and fraudulent. It’s time for a new new deal. There needs to be a huge focus shift. Right now, the administration and congress are more focused on increasing the private sector’s good, than the public sector. Our president would rather guarantee the success of a wealthy coal CEO than the livelihood of millions of unborn children. And our congress would rather fill the pockets of their allies, than develop law for the public good. Money speaks many volumes higher than sense does in DC. And all trust in the system and its contributors has been dropping significantly since January 2017. The american people were desperate for change, sick of politician’s lies and failed promises, but in the end were all conned. Both parties are to blame, the DNC ruined their chances when they unjustly snuffed out Bernie, and the GOP should have never given Trump the light of day. Now everyone suffers, everyone but the already rich. Wealth disparity will only get worse in a Trump America.
Alright, rant aside government has a couple main functions that everybody agrees on. Government is needed to defend and protect its citizens, create fair laws and just punishments, and foster the community of a nation by investing in transportation, education, agriculture, science, and many more. The reason why every kid growing up in the 60’s and 70’s wanted to be an astronaut was because we put a man on the moon. Government should fund inspiring sciences, it’s odd to think about, but wouldn’t it be nice if our government also provided motivation for young people? Kids nowadays don’t dream as big because they are not exposed on a grand scale to anything other than celebrities and pro atheletes. But why does everything seem so broken anyway? Lets explore that question.
Misrepresentation:
Probably the most obvious reason for the apparent disconnect between government officials and their constituents is misrepresentation. Our 115th US congress, the 535 elected officials that are supposed to represent the over 330 million people living in America, are not like us. Lets just look at gender, race, and age for a moment. Here are Congress’ stats: 80% male, 20% female, 7% Hispanic, 9% African-American, 3% Asian-American, 81% white, average age: 58 years old. Here are America’s stats: 50% male, 50% female, 16% Hispanic, 12% African-American, 5% Asian-American, 64% white, average age: 38 years old. If those numbers aren’t enough here are the numbers on wealth: members of congress average net worth is just over 1 million dollars when the average for american households is around 60 thousand dollars. These are only a few statistics showing the lack of diversity and misrepresentation, others such as religion and education draw a larger divide. I think it is important to have wise individuals creating laws for a society, but those wise individuals need to be nested in reality. Perfect democratic representation is probably impossible, but what we have is nowhere even close.
Agency Expansion:
The framers of the constitution would probably not be super stoked about how the government is looking nowadays. Separation of powers is shot. Everybody complains about bureaucratic red-tape and how slow things move in government, but it’s no surprise when you look at how complicated the agency landscape is. I mean, have you ever even heard of Federal Retirement Thrift Investment Board? The president has more power than ever before, having the capability to nominate/replace individuals for all of these major government rolls. If a president were truly corrupt, they would just nominate all their friends to these rolls once elected, or even worse the people who donated the most during the election. Oh wait, shit. I’m not saving that all government agencies are a bad thing, but I do think that there is a lot of fat to be trimmed in the administration and its agencies. The power that they have is derived from the executive branch, but the executive branch should have the least power.
Spending:
One of the most difficult things that our government has to do is figure out who gets what share of the taxes. Luckily the congress can’t raise their own paychecks easily, but they do need to decide who gets what. Remember when the government shutdown and everybody lost their mind in 2013? That’s because they couldn’t agree to where the money went (house republicans hated ACA). They couldn’t vote on an fair budget. As hard as I know this process to be, I think it could be made significantly easier if one thing changed: de-funding defense. Every year the “defense” budget increases. America is a country that was built off of conflict, the only reason why we are considered a world power is because we didn’t go bankrupt fighting the Nazi’s on our own turf. Ever since the end of WWII and the dissolution of Secretary of War into the Secretary of Defense, money flow has increased. Over half of the US federal discretionary spending is spent on the military, more than education, agriculture, science, technology, energy and transportation combined. NASA and the EPA are being decimated under the Trump Administration. The majority of taxpayer dollars goes into programs like medicare, medicaid and social security, I recognize, but those reapportionment’s deserve another conversation entirely. Seriously, when 17 billion dollars is less than a percent of the US budget, I’m sure the Military can do without its total of 13%.
Reactivity:
The final point I wanted to bring up when talking about the functionality of the american federal system is the way it makes change. For all of it’s history, the government has enacted a majority of reactive policies. For instance, the Federal Aviation Administration didn’t exist until over 50 years after the first manned flight. (However there was small regulation committee created in the late 20s) It’s practically impossible for the federal judiciary to act proactively since they can only make rulings on cases that are brought to them. The congress and executive branches have more potential to pass and influence proactive legislature. The reason why I am bringing this up is simple, for government to stay useful, they need to be adaptable. In this age of incredibly fast technological development the american government has had to start acting proactively to maintain it’s competitive advantage over adversaries. I mean, take even the space race and nuclear arms race for instance. Nowadays most of government proactivity is seen in cyber warfare. Since before NATO added cyber to the domains of war America has been attacking and defending itself from cyber attacks. Many times throughout America’s history there has been a necessity to use or regulate a technology that is in it’s early stages of development. The ability to recognize this before full development has always given America an advantage. Technology isn’t the only thing that is moving faster, all of human life seems to be speeding up. So either the government accelerates its functions tremendously, or they start devoting more time to creating more proactive policy, or both hopefully. Technologies like renewable energy, advanced bio-engineering, and AI need proactive policy, whether that means grants or regulations depends on the benefits and dangers.
AI Helping Government:
Both state and national government could use some work when it comes to efficiency. In the Deloitte article I linked earlier, the one that highlighted the different genre’s of modern day AI, they talk at length of ways we could utilize software to speed up government processes. Not only could many processes be sped up with new technology, but many services could be partially automated with already built technology. There has been a trend in the private sector that sees all sorts of different companies transitioning towards a more tech dense environment modelling the numerous software companies that have utilized their computer science and business expertise to create the most efficient workplace possible. The government should do the same. One of Deloitte’s studies followed a child protection service’s employee and found out that more than a third of their day was spent just on paperwork. Having an AI-augmented government would speed up processes and save the taxpayer money.
This may be the the only positive note coming out of the woodwork of the Trump Administration, the new formation of the American Technology Council. This council is made up of some of the most famous Silicon Valley CEOs with the mission of revolutionizing the government’s information technology and cybersecurity. But it’s going to take a lot more than just the top 20 tech CEOs to take care of such a huge problem. There needs to be a full agency or department dedicated to exploring each federal position and whether or not it would be viable, valuable, and vital to automate a portion of it. This agency would not be viewed as the bad guys, they would not be taking people’s jobs away. In fact, they would be seeking solutions to problems that these workers have voiced for years. They would be giving them their job back in a sense, because most jobs would have more time to dedicate to “mission-aligned” tasks.
GovTech Singapore:
Only one nation has an agency dedicated to bringing it’s government into the information age: Singapore. Here’s a quote from the man in charge of the agency, “How do we look at every aspect of our lives and our public sector services and make sure that where there’s an opportunity for that service, product, or experience to be enabled by technology we do so maximally. Where there’s an opportunity to reduce friction and increase efficiency, we do so maximally.” I love this quote, spoken like a true scientist. Singapore is a small city-state-nation near Malaysia and Indonesia, and have only been a country for a little over 50 years. But just in that small amount of time they have transitioned from an undeveloped nation into one of the world leaders in education, health care, and quality of life. They even just passed America on the UN Human Development Index. But how could they do all this in such a short amount of time? Some experts say it’s the pride of the people, others say it’s due to the increasing acceptance and use of technology. While I’m sure it’s a combination of the two, I care more about how they used technology to spring forward past many nations 10 times as old. How did they make this transition in one generation? By caring about the kids. The government has invested large sums into teaching young children the important skills they need for a successful life in the 20th century. They learn sequencing and coding from preschool on, with the curriculum getting more and more complex as they grow older. Even more so, they consider immediate student feedback. If Singapore is different from every other nation because of one thing, it would be their insentient desire to improve the living environment of generations to come. By creating this agency, Singapore hopes to bring positive data analytics and information processing automation to their public sector employees. Not only improving the quality of life of the workers, but also all of the citizens that they interface with. Then they instill their future leaders with the knowledge they need to continue to improve the society. Doesn’t sound that hard right? Well, Singapore only has 5.5 million inhabitants, so there are some scaling problems if adapted to America.
Federal Technology Agency:
I propose that a new agency be created under the president, this agency will be tasked with a similar mission as GovTech in Singapore: to maximize efficiency in government jobs with the proper implementation of technology. This agency would report to the president on the current state of every other department’s information technology landscape, and where improvement can be made. This agency can then recommend, to other agencies, actions that can be taken to reduce friction in operations and alleviate stress on behalf of the workers. More over, the Federal Technology Agency would work alongside other government technology organizations such as the OSTP to research further advancements in technology and promote development competition. This agency will use it’s budget to pay its workers, and auction contracts to companies that can create and maintain technologies devoted to augmenting government processes. Similar to what this company does. We as a society are entering a new digital age, one where information is bountiful but often neglected. If not neglected we as a people can transcend the drudgery of data and work with what we are naturally better at understanding, people. This agency would create a metric calculating potential technological impact to determine which department or agency needs the most improvement. From there, they can start working on how to relieve pressure. This would be a medium to large agency, comprising of executives, managers, automation engineers, economists, human resource managers, and many other fields so that each department scrutinized by the agency would have a fair judgement on what could improve. The short term goal of the agency would be to revamp the government’s IT. The long term goal would be to aide research and development of better, more augmenting technologies. Someday, no one will have to work, but until that day let’s make everybody’s job easier and more fun. Not to mention the amount of money this agency would be saving all of the taxpayers.
Government Helping AI:
For the content you probably skipped all the other stuff to read, you first have to read this: government needs AI to work more efficiently, but government also needs to control the future development of AI. When I say control, I don’t mean that we need another Manhattan Project for AI. First and foremost, artificial intelligence should never be utilized as a weapon, it may augment warfare, but never used directly as a weapon. There are many fundamental problems with artificially intelligent systems, questions concerning who has control and what are good motives, that haven’t been answered correctly yet. Of course this is a new field, but there is a huge problem with this field: money. The problem isn’t a lack of money, but the over incentivization of money. Companies like Google and Amazon are duking it out right now trying to create even more cutting edge software to outperform competitors. As much as I am a capitalist, I’m also a realist, and that sort of fuel for development could lead to unforeseen accidents. You’d think after the 2010 high frequency trading crash everyone would realize that making AI compete against each other is a recipe for disaster. But just like how the mutual funds kept competing, these tech companies will too: because it’s a business. There are two ways the federal government can help the development of benevolent AI: grants and regulations.
Grants:
A lot of the funding for artificial intelligence development comes from the already wealthy silicon valley CEOs. Those who see its value and understand the power that comes with it. This needs to change. As everybody in the industry has noted, research is moving from academia to the private sector. This to me has a lot more negative affects than positive ones. Academia research has always been more transparent than private company research. When the secrets have a dollar sign attacked to it, they are much more important to keep. But that is the opposite of what we need when we are moving forward with the develop of AI. I propose that the american government greatly increase the budget for science and technology research and use it to not only contract companies to build software for the government, but also provide more grants to promising AI research. This could be done under the umbrella of the previously proposed new Federal Technology Agency. With the money also comes an understanding that the government wants to know what you’re up to. These grants would not just be buying a ticket to the magic show, but also a behind the scenes VIP explanation of all the tricks done. The agency should have the expertise available to understand the magic and relay that information to others and make the developments understandable to all. Grants would be given to research groups in both academia and the private sector. These grants will help the research organization hire more talent, and motivate the completion of projects. It helps the government by providing the agency with much needed valuation of progress. The agency will already have a basic road map of where it wants research to go and where not. If any grant recipient starts along the wrong path, the government will know about it sooner rather than later, or at least before it’s too late. Currently the only funding for research given out by the federal government is under the National Institutes of Health and the National Science Foundation. There needs to be more than just grants.gov for us as a nation to improve faster, and we need to keep up.
Regulation:
Nobody likes to be controlled, I get that, but nobody wants to die to nuclear fallout or an avoidable plane crash. Consumers expect their products and services to be safe. So when a company lets them down, it really hurts. As many people, perhaps, already have a unfair negative outlook on AI, making sure that companies deploying artificial agents do so safely and wisely is of the government’s utmost concern. No technology or research needs to be stifled when good regulation is done. If anything, regulation should focus organizations on what is the fair way of operating. Regulation is mainly necessary in the field of AI because of the danger it poses to the general public. The danger is not yet realized by the public, and even worse the engineers. Software is biased, because humans are biased. It’s going to take a lot of work to insure the creation of an unbiased, secure system. Organizations like the Future of Life Institute are actively thinking about how we as a society can promote the development of beneficial AI. They recently held a conference of AI research elites that had a goal of creating a list of “must-follow” principles voted yes on by at least 90% of the attendance. This list can be found here. It outlines three areas of principles: research issues, ethics and values, and long-term issues. I encourage you all to read them carefully because they are obviously well thought out. Each is very important, but I choose to focus on numbers 3, 4, and 5. Together these principles say that there should be a positive communication channel between government and researchers as well as between all research organizations. Most importantly it says that these research and development organizations should avoid an AI arms race. Number 5 references the avoidance of cutting corner on safety standards but fails to recognize any agreed upon set of standards. Hmm, sounds like everybody wants a set of standards to hold each other accountable to, I wonder who would make that? Oh right, the government. These scientists want the government’s help formulating a set of AI research and development standards. So we should do it. Who does it? Maybe it be under the Federal Technology Agency as a Technology Standards Committee. Regardless, the first step for regulators of this industry would be to gain useful insights into the current developments happening around the globe and attempt to measure the rate of advancement. Then and only then can a set of standards be made, and not without the help of all the current researchers. Ideally, whoever is creating these standards has had numerous years of experience in industry designing these systems. Alongside the creation of standards is the creation of enforcement policy. Whether it be the pulling of grant money or, even more extreme, the shutting down of a project or company, this regulatory agency must have the power to resign any project that it deems potentially a great hazard to human life. This would be a tough decision to make by any regard, but having some metric for how positively human-aligned a program is without a doubt would be vital to this survey. Many steps need to be taken to insure public protection from security threats and potential accidents brought about by the uncareful development of AI. With a government agency dedicated to this subject, both policy makers and research scientists can be aware of the paths of AI and their entailed dangers/benefits.
Conclusion:
So, AI is advancing without any signs of stopping, government is bogged down with paperwork and focusing on the wrong things to advance, and no one in government seems to be doing anything about either. The Obama administration at least made a report on the subject, but the few steps he took forward towards positive technology-policy relationships have all but been taken back by the new administration. The government needs to re-imagine the way they do their job, and they need to be comfortable allowing technology to augment their professions. Because with the size of our population, these clerical problems are only going to compound. A new agency needs to be created with the task of providing government with viable and valuable answers to the increasing need for more technology in the workplace. Also, the government needs to do more work to progress the cutting edge of AI technology through grants and regulation. With this sort of agency, billions of taxpayer’s dollars would be saved in man hours, and the potential harms of revolutionary technology like AI can be managed securely. These propositions that I’ve outlined could be realized differently in government. Perhaps instead of an entirely new organization being created, a large subset of an already created agency can be devoted to these practices. But I think it’s fair to say that such an organization, one that both seeks to improve government operations and provide grants and regulations to emerging technologies, would be quite large and in need of a good portion of the US federal budget (% 0.5 maybe). Having those qualities make me want to envision it as a full fledged agency.
Graduated and Unemployed
I finally made it! Four years of struggling: working throughout my degree, numerous extracurriculars from Orientation to founding my Fraternity, every summer taking extra courses to get ahead, fighting doubt and fear to prove to myself that I can do whatever I set my mind to. Never have I been more challenged, shaken to the core, and burnt out than I was every successive quarter at Cal Poly. Week 8 of 10 usually marked the break-down week, where all odds seemed against me. Where passing was going to rely on sheer will power to complete all final projects on time and to the specifications, not to mention passing all final exams as well. As mentioned in my rambly For What it’s Worth post, I could not be more grateful for the opportunities this place has given me. I made many lasting relationships, forged many new unbreakable habits, and truly got what I was looking for: a directive. Go out into the world and make a name for myself in AI and government, help people understand and appreciate the great technological feats that are happening every day. OSTP here I come, but first the tech industry.
Now that my time at university is complete, I must summon my worn, battle-hardened mind from the depths of my person. It must be revived, reborn, and re-motivated. For so long I thought of only, “How am I going to get myself through college?” Now I must think, “How am I going to ensure I make it through life, healthy, happy, loved, and most importantly self-determined?” I lived without any of those feelings for most of my final year at college, because I was alone and stuck in my depression. Complacency is not always your choice, but when it takes all that you are away from you, there comes a time where the only question you ask yourself is why am I still around. That’s where I was. It takes strength to find purpose, knowledge to define it, love to turn it into a passion, and dedication to live by it. Holding yourself accountable only works once you’ve defined your purpose, made it your passion, and are willing to fight anything that challenges you. Only then can you truly convince yourself that your life is yours and you’re happy to live it. Until then, Never Stop Trying.
Final Adventure with Michele
You never know which way your road of life will turn, sometimes it merges with another road, sometimes there’s construction, other times the road forks. The only thing you can do is keep driving and hope you end up where you’re going. Unlike real roads, life has no map of what’s ahead, you’re the map-maker, you get to chose the route. There was a lot of construction on this road, but we always kept pushing forward, until the fork. Thanks for two unforgettable years, Michele.
