What the hell do I mean by a “one-off”? It’s kind of a weird way to describe this feeling I’m having, this interaction of sorts. It’s the short-term connection between people. I think Fight Club opened with a scene about “single-serve” relationships, it’s those. It’s the short relationship with the person you sit next to on the airplane or bus. You’re sort of forced, more or less, to fraternize, but not necessarily. You don’t have to communicate with them, but in my world, you sort of do. These people come in bite-sized fashions. It’s like a chance encounter, a random connection with a person where you talk for a few hours and you never see them again.
There is something in my mind kind of magical about these bite-sized encounters, these one-offs. Sometimes there’s a very strong connection, and other times there’s not. The ones I want to dissect are the ones that are really strong because there’s actually something really special about those.
Who, What, When, Where, Why?
So, one-offs: they happen in a lot of different places. They’ll happen anywhere you go out in the presence of others. Maybe you’re going out dancing and you bump into somebody, and you spend the evening dancing with them. Maybe you get their name; maybe you get their number even. But a lasting, more intimate relationship doesn’t form. It doesn’t have to be someone who you’re romantically interested in. However, I do think those are particularly interesting. It could be some person that you would never date. Maybe it’s just a person that you really vibe with, like a buddy. Someone you meet out in the world that you share the same wavelength. Someone that brings out a side to you that you haven’t seen in a while, a person who excites you. A person who you’re interested in learning more about, or they’re interested in learning more about you in ways that heal your soul and build up your belief in yourself.
These chance encounters happen all the time if you’re open to it. People exist all around you, everywhere you go, no matter what you do. These people are there, and if you’re willing to start a conversation with somebody out in the world doing something that you enjoy, it’s very possible, if not very likely, that you’ll end up with these chance encounters. And good for you; they mean something.
Don’t Overcomplicate
Not every relationship that forms out in the world needs to be a long-standing one. Even if you really vibe with a person, it doesn’t need to turn into a friendship. I’m thinking particularly of an instance that happened to me recently where I went for a bike ride and I bumped into a woman who was riding her bike. Our vibes clicked in a really interesting way. We talked, rode, shared funny stories, witty banter, flirtatious banter, shared touch in a couple of different ways, and got close for an afternoon.
The thing about this particular woman is I knew I didn’t want to date them. I knew it would be a bad idea because they showed me throughout conversation and action over the few hours we spent together they would not be someone I wanted to date, for a number of reasons. That doesn’t necessarily mean we couldn’t be friends. It’s just, even if we were to be friends, that could potentially become complicated because I did feel physical attraction to them. I don’t know; regardless of attraction and romantic interest, it was a very human experience. I could tell that even though we shared contact information with each other, she probably wouldn’t be reaching out. She’s probably got a lot of men chasing after her, and I’m really not in the mood for that, nor am I really all that interested in her in that way.
Be Chill
I need to write a blog post about leaving people alone, and being chill with the fact that not everybody wants to be friends. I think I’ve mentioned that in a post before, but I haven’t really come to fully understand it just yet. This is just one of those instances where, in person, you run into somebody: you get them for that moment in time, and that moment in time is beautiful, fun, and energizing. Enjoy it. Enjoy that moment, really soak it up. Don’t miss out on the beauty of sharing connection with a person, but afterward, don’t dwell on it. Don’t think that it needs to be anything more than it was.
I have an anxious attachment style in relationships, and that often ends up with me thinking I’m going to be too annoying if I reach out too often or I need to do more. But that’s not true. It doesn’t have to be that way. It could just be the fact that we had a good time and we parted ways. If you were able to share contact information with them, then the door is open for them to reach out if they’re thinking about you or interested in seeing you again. It doesn’t always have to be you reaching out. On the point of being alone or leaving people alone, I need to understand this concept: this dichotomy between playing catch with a person in communication senses, having healthy back-and-forth, and playing fetch (where one person does most of the work.)
So yeah, bite-sized interactions with people can be really glorious so long as you stay in the moment, enjoy that moment, and soak up every bit of that moment you possibly can. Then, not dwell too much on it afterwards. Just take it for what it was and enjoy it for how it made you feel. Appreciate that person and the fact that said person’s doing their own thing as well. They’re living their own life, and you just so happened to stumble upon each other for that little bit of time.
I encourage people to engage with each other in ways that this can happen more, because it truly is a very humanizing experience. Like, in that moment, however long that moment is, you can deep-dive into a person. You can learn a lot about a person if you’re paying attention, asking the right questions, really trying to get to know who they are. Or you don’t have to; you can just experience life alongside one another. So it can be whatever you want, whatever you feel comfortable with, and whatever the other person feels comfortable with.
Level of Intimacy
Another thing worth considering with one-offs is the level of intimacy you can achieve with a person. It’s interesting: when I was going through university, I remember people talking about one-night stands, and I thought that was like a crazy concept. Specifically the fact that you could meet a person at a party then end up sleeping with them the same night. Somehow the moment was long enough for you to feel comfortable getting to know a person to the point in which you have them naked alongside your naked self having sex was beyond comprehension to me. That’s only happened a couple of times in my life, and it still blows my mind that it happens regularly in other’s lives.
In a way, it seems almost superficial. There’s just no possible way that you can get to know a person well enough to do that, right? But I know that’s not the case. Some people have a greater ability to connect with others in a way that leads to intense physical intimacy and trust. There’s a spectrum of people who are able to engage in these one-off relationships, a spectrum of ability to dive deep into them.
Alcohol’s Role
I started off by talking about going out dancing at clubs or bars. Which makes me wonder if there’s an element of inebriation that influences the connection between individuals to make it feel like there is something truly there. I imagine that’s true, but alcohol is in no way a mandatory precursor for connection. I just think perhaps if you add alcohol into the equation of these one-offs, it’s bound to go further or get deeper, get more intimate, especially if it’s like a romantic thing.
In a weird way, I feel like the one-night stand is the ultimate one-off. Something interesting, perhaps unfortunate, about one night stands is that some people regret them. Which calls back to what I was talking about when I said don’t dwell on it too much. Enjoy it for the moment, but afterward don’t worry about it, don’t stress it. Good or bad. Don’t get anxious and try to make it more than it was. Don’t expect or want more unless that’s an obviously mirrored desire from the other party.
Negative One-Offs
I think on the flip side of the ultimate one-off being one-night stands is the instance in which you bump into a person and there’s animosity. You run into a person and you just clash. You don’t vibe. Your wavelengths are on opposite spectrums entirely. There’s no symbiosis between the two human beings. Maybe it’s a road rage incident or some physical altercation. Something like a shouting match with a person or whatever that turns into a very negative one-off.
Learning Opportunities
The same rules apply: you can’t dwell on those. Instead of dwelling, I want to say there are probably learning opportunities that you can gain from both the positive and negative one-offs. There’s probably also something you can learn from the neutral one-offs: just the random, cordial chats with somebody that you are standing in line with at the grocery store or the coffee shop. Making the most out of any interaction with people is always a good idea.