You know, sometimes I struggle to stay alive. Not in the way that I think most people would understand that. It’s not like I have some debilitating disease or am constantly faced with life-threatening situations. But in the sense that so often I feel that life is pointless, and what’s the use in sticking around? This has happened countless times in my life. It’s unfortunate that it’s happening to me now, because I really just got into a great place mentally. I suppose that happens though, huh? Where there are ups, there are downs. Days when it’s gonna be harder, and days when it’s gonna be easier. Feels like I’ve had a lot of hard days lately that make it difficult to stick around. I can only imagine how many other people feel this way on occasion; I can only imagine that I’m not the only one out there feeling this way right now.
The Valley Below
Life is complicated, challenging. It’s not easy to consistently rise to the occasion, meet those challenges head-on, face the fact that you’re not perfect. There are many things in this world that you’ll never be, things that you wish you would be, but you can’t or won’t. There are so many instances in which you’re reminded of your inadequacy, humbled by the fact that for some reason or another, after all these years in which you’ve been around, you’re still not going to be able to do what you wish. You’ll still never achieve what you hope for. And that, to be honest, may or may not be true; you might be able to if you pushed yourself or whatever. There’s just a mental state that you can fall into in these times in which it really, truly feels as if you can not and will not achieve.
Going to the Mountaintop
It’s in these moments where I’ll often go and try to find something somewhere. Find a thought or a feeling, an emotion that helps me realize that thinking in this way is not productive. Today, I decided to go to the top of Mount Washington and look out on the city. Watch as everybody’s going about their lives. There was a moment at the top, a few moments in fact, where I realized that there are quite a large number of people here on this earth, and I’m just one of them. Nobody owes me anything, nobody is here to save me, nobody is going to look after me. It’s only me. It’s always been just me. I thought to myself on the bench as I sat there for what felt like eternity, “Do you like yourself? Do you love yourself? Do you respect yourself?” There are so many people out there that I want nothing to do with, so many of them. Is one of those people me? Is it a fact that I don’t want anything to do with myself right now? I feel like yes, I don’t want anything to do with myself. What an unpleasant feeling. I don’t know if it’s doubt or what, but this regressive state is very unpleasant. I feel like I used to have it figured out; I feel like I used to have people who cared and had my back, but I don’t really feel like that anymore.
Tumbling
I feel like life has left me behind, forgotten along the journey. As if I had been riding my bike down the avenues and fell down, had a crash. How very unfortunate. I’ve been told that what makes a man isn’t what happens when they fail, but what happens afterward. Whether or not they’re able to pick themselves back up. I’ve been really proud of myself for picking myself back up and taking care of myself. I know that I’ll be able to do that again, always. I believe in myself in that way. Sometimes it just feels like that impact hurts, and it’s okay to stay on the ground for a bit, to not pop right back up. Of course, I know you can’t stay on the ground forever; you can’t give up. You can’t let yourself down.
Words of Wisdom
It’s in the moments of greatest weakness that a person truly learns what they’re made of. It’s in the moments of greatest vulnerability that an individual determines the merit of their soul. Don’t let yourself down, pick yourself back up if you fall, take care of yourself, honor yourself.
How ever will I grow, if never will I know?
The pain of the worst times and joy of the best.
Moments of hardship, moments of rest.
The view of the mountaintops from the valley below.
After all, every high has its low.
Sun shines through darkness, shadows in the day.
The long and winding road isn’t one-way.
Pick yourself up from the place you now are,
The journey you’re on has taken you far.
To give up now would be a shame, a regret.
Honor yourself, lest you forget,
Time at the top is earned by passing low’s test.
Study hard, at your behest.
Because how ever will you grow,
If never do you know?