Crowds
One excruciatingly debilitating thing about my autism is the fact that I can’t function well in crowded places. I become panicked, and often my fight or flight will trigger. Since I don’t fight due to my unwavering pacifism (which is a topic for another day) every bone and muscle in my body tells me to run away. If I don’t remove myself from that moment, I shut down and become a shell of a person. When I started on this Journey of self-rediscovery I tried really hard to understand the mechanism of this trigger and response. My testing ground was the ballpark. Exposure therapy with a stadium that fits 45 thousand people, I’ve never been known for easing into things lol. I purchased standing room season tickets for the Buccos and went to dozens of games throughout the summertime. Results were mixed. There were times I could hang, and others where I would not. A few times the parking situation wasn’t ideal and that would throw me off before I even got into the park. Other times the crowds inside the park, weaving in between the patrons as I walked cycles around PNC, would result in me dipping early due to the overwhelming feeling of alienation amongst the masses. On the flip side, I recall some great times cheering on the boys as they ran up the score on their opponents in the early parts of the season (as they are known to come out hot in the early days). Making friends with complete randoms, chatting up anybody and everybody I could to stress my system to learn my limits. There wasn’t an obvious pattern I could discern as to when and why I would bail or hang tough. It took many months for me to figure it out, and even now, I’m barely putting all those pieces together to see the full picture.
Pieces of the Puzzle
Mindset prepping. Plans and backup plans. Familiarity. Emergency exits.
Each of those key elements were vital in the success of navigating moments in the real world where I found myself in the midst of countless humans going about their lives. I’ll break them down in chronological order to showcase how I have developed this process for myself to follow to ensure best possible outcomes when going out.
Mindset prepping
Mindset prepping is the warmup. When I set my intentions on going out, there is a routine I will follow to make sure I’m ready. First is to get the items I’ll need on my excursion in order. Food, water, wallet, phone, sunscreen, chapstick, etc. These everyday carry items were sometimes not necessary or used during the event, but the practice of putting them together was comforting to me. I knew that whatever happened, I was prepared. It gave me confidence, an essential ingredient. I’ve always been a backpack guy, but some places don’t allow or call for such a luxury. So often times I’d need to preload the essentials, lather up the sunscreen, drink and eat before leaving the house. All of this was to set myself up for success.
Once I had my things in order, I needed to get my mind in order. Mental preparation was equal parts important to physical preparation. Calming techniques like deep breathing or mirrored affirmations were my way of reminding myself what was about to take place. That I could handle whatever happened because I was a strong and independent person. Standing in front of the mirror in my basement, before I took the last steps within my cave on the way out, telling myself that I can do it was ritualistic. I’d point at me and say, “you got this, you can do this, I believe in you.” Then go. On the way there I would play the right music (whatever called to me on that particular day) and reiterate my strong self-belief that whatever happened I had my own back. I’d look out for myself. I could take care of myself.
Plans and Backup Plans
Plans and backup plans were next. Step by step instructions of how to achieve whatever I set out to accomplish. In the instance of the baseball games that meant I needed to drive down to the game, find cheap parking, walk to the stadium, scan in, walk my cycle, post up, make friends, go as long as I could afford, then bail. Each step of that process could go wrong, some of them were more or less likely to cause issue. For the steps that were notorious to cause issue, I’d create a backup plan, sometimes multiple backup plans, so that the occasional wrench thrown in wouldn’t obliterate the whole operation. Parking was often one of those challenges. Sometimes the usual casino parking was exorbitantly expensive due to some ongoing event, which forced me to audible to one of a few alternatives. Having those alternatives ready in my back pocket saved the occasion in multiple instances. I wouldn’t freak out if a single step in the process broke down because I knew I had backups. Still if those backups failed me, I wouldn’t sweat it. Having grace to the in-opportune occasional mission failure was the ultimate back-up plan.
Familiarity
Familiarity is one of the elements that hadn’t quite clicked for me until recently. Doing things, being in places, being with people, that are familiar was an insulating layer of reinforcing trust in the successful outcome of the endeavor. There’s a reason people go do things with other people, they can back each other up. There’s a reason people frequent the same places, it builds a level of comfort in the environment. When I ride my bike, I’m king of my domain. It doesn’t matter where in the world I am, I have my trusty steed by my side. Same with my cars. Familiarity in it of itself strengthens a person’s ability extend themselves beyond their comfort zone. Like a totem one carries into battle, a locket, a note, whatever it is, gives the soldier something to fight for. Something to ground themselves in the chaotic world, a calming and grounding physical remembrance. A piece of peace, to carry into the unknown. The familiarity of these pieces stack upon each other and build layers of reinforcement. If a piercing negativity occurs, may it not breach completely into your soul due to the shields you’ve afforded yourself with these familiarities.
Emergency Exits
It’s a farce to think all missions will be a success, failure is an option one ought to consider. Marcus Aurelius has some warm takes on this in his Meditations. One such that I recall is, “You have power over your mind — not outside events. Realize this, and you will find strength.” Simply put, you can’t control what happens to you, but you do have control over how you react. If things don’t go as planned, your familiarity or preparations fail you or fall short, know there is another day to succeed. Failure is just a moment, an opportunity to learn, and adapt. There is no shame in failure, in fact the opposite. For you should be proud you tried. To try and fail is an achievement alone. The ultimate backup plan is not shameful. Know your exit strategy in the case of mission failure. Know how to identify a botched objective and know how to retreat without causing additional harm. A tactical retreat. Back to the example of the ball game. That may look like going to a quiet place in the park to collect yourself, it may mean heading to the nearest exit to get the hell out of dodge. Determine what’s right for you in that particular moment and do it. Don’t hesitate, for the longer you dwell in a state of failure, the greater the impact of the failure. Make the call, and bail.
Greasy Wheels
All wheels need to be greased in order for your vehicle to go. One wheel falls off or stops spinnin’, you’re grounded. Just the same, each of these things need to be done for the whole excursion to turn out bright and cheery. Even when all your wheels are turning in the right direction, there is the inevitability that some pot hole or suicidal deer will fuck up your ride. It’s not the end of the world, at least not for you (hopefully), so live on to drive another day. And remember to always blast your music louder that the car is screaming at you to fix it.
