Do You Wonder?
Do you remember the name of your first best friend? How about your first grade teacher? Your first lover? Do you wonder about them ever? I imagine you do. We can’t help but reminisce on those of our past. They did so much in molding who we are that they deserve a place in our thoughts. Strangely, I find myself thinking of these people in my past often, but I never really consider whether or not they think of me the same way. I wonder, do they remember me?
Do They Wonder?
A strange sensation I’ve felt a time or two lately is being on others’ minds. In the practice of being my true self and building relationships with others, I’ve had the pleasure of meeting some fantastic human beings. Every once and a while they will ask me about a topic I brought up with them, often adding in their thoughts gathered in the time in between then and now. I love when that happens, but it feels weird, novel. To think, that I stuck with them in their mind. Enough for them to dwell on a thought I gave them. Enough for them to think of me. How strange, but not really, how lovely. This happened a few times within the past week even, and it’s got me thinking; who am I to others. How am I perceived and recalled in times of absence. Do people talk about me when I leave the room? Should I give a shit if they do?
Easy to Remember or Hard to Forget?
The permanence of my persona is what’s of interest to me now. I asked my therapist if I’m “easy to remember or hard to forget”. In my mind, those two carry two very different connotations. Being easy to remember means I brushed upon another in a positive way so that they think of me fondly. Hard to forget means I ran into someone and left a negative impression on their mind. I certainly wouldn’t want that, but then again, I don’t anticipate that every person I interact with is going to have a 5 star experience. I just know that I have a very strong personality that can at times not align with other peoples’ expectations. I’m a lot, I must admit. So which is it, easy to remember, or hard to forget?
Ride Your Wave
Being unapologetically me has been a struggle at times. Recently my friend told me, when I was communicating how it was a challenge to not oblige myself when it comes to my obsessive tendencies, to ride my own wave. Own it, own my weirdness. To be proud of who I am no matter how unlike others I am. Or at least, to stop putting the brakes on my drives, flow with the go. What a beautiful sentiment I’ve not paid nearly enough consideration to as an adult. Perhaps these instances of others thinking of me is a sign. A sign that I ought not be so embarrassed of who I am. That when I am my most true self, is when I am most impactful.
Through Their Window
Have you been on a walk in the evening and noticed your neighbors’ window blinds were open, lights or tv on inside, and thought to yourself, “oh, that’s how they live”? It’s a similar feeling to when you walk into a friend’s home and notice all the little decorations and sweet mementos that they’ve collected. It’s a window into their life, a peephole into their soul. You can’t help but look inside. When I lived in San Francisco on the 6th floor corner apartment there was a man who lived across the street I adored. He would sit in his window, and write on his typewriter. Surrounded by books his room illuminated by a single classic pull string lamp putting out the warmest of light. Every once and a while he would look up and out, sometimes for just a moment, other times for what felt like an eternity. It seemed like he was searching for the right words to write. Like the streets of the city would deliver to him the words he sought. In these moments, as I watched through my window, it became obvious to me that I was seeking understanding of a man seeking understanding. Oddly, it felt extremely introspective.
Look and See
I’ve spent so much of my life shielding my mind from these thoughts, afraid of how it would break me down. I wasn’t strong enough to look into every person’s mind and imagine a life through their eyes. A look through their window was too much for me, it elicited the strongest empathetic response, often times triggering great existentialism. So I wouldn’t look. I’ve spoken on this before in a past post, but just like looking at someone’s face, or touching them, seeing someone through their window was much too personal for me. I kept my own window blinds closed, kept the lights off, so nobody would see inside me either. What a tremendously lonely way to live. I’m stronger now, bolstered by my own self-appreciation, that I now want to look. I want to see through others just as I want others to see through me. Life is meant to be shared.
Ride Their Wave
Empathy is more than just putting yourself in another’s shoes. You need to walk in them too. Keep your head up and take in their surroundings. Live in their home, travel their road, experience their struggle and success. Ride their wave. It will help you ride yours.
Golden Ticket
P.S. I went on a group ride the other day and one of these people (one I’ve sought to look into) asked if I wanted to swap bikes for the ride home. Of course I said yes. Opportunities to realize this perspective seeking concretely are golden tickets worth celebrating. It was a beautiful bike, and a lovely ride. Experienced by one man looking into the soul of another, seeking understanding. I’ve got a golden chance to make my way, and with this golden ticket – it’s a golden day.