Note to the reader: This was posted many months after it was written.
What does it mean to be in love?
What does it mean to be alone?
What does it mean to be alive?
Coming Back from a Pause
It’s been far too long since I’ve touched this blog. To be honest, it’s been far too long since I’ve been myself. But who even am I?
I return to this place once again in the darkest depths of my life. Last we spoke, I was celebrating being a homeowner for a whole year, a life goal I didn’t know would ever be attainable. Such a fantastic accomplishment at a very young age. Who would have thought it could get any better? What I didn’t realize at the time was that the person who was taking that picture would become be the center of my life, Mary.
Mary
This woman would soon be my world. My sun and moon rose and fell for her. We met so young, so fresh in our lives. We fell madly in love almost instantly. There’s never been a person more for me than her. Together we built a life, a family, a home, a story that would never end. We married after 3 years of partnership. A partnership that saw us survive the global Covid pandemic, heart surgery, the death of loved ones, the adoption of two precious kittens, the joys of adventure in some of the most beautiful places. Countless memories we made together, many hardships we overcame together, we were inseparable.
I felt like I had found my true love, so I put everything I had into her. I spent so much time, effort and money supporting her. Trusting her and building my life around her. She put just as much time and effort into the relationship, putting up with my weird quirks and always encouraging me to be great. We worked tirelessly to get her through school; her associates, bachelors and then onto her masters. We would both end up working multiple jobs to afford and enjoy the life that we had. We started saving up for a forever home together. There were so many happy memories we made together it’s hard to tell the whole story. We played games together, board games and video games like Stardew Valley, Animal Crossing or Fortnite. We had sushi dates regularly, which was an homage to our first date. We hiked the local mountain countless times, I would end up proposing at the top of that mountain. She welcomed me into her family and we spent multiple Christmas breaks with them down in Tampa.
We travelled all over exploring some of the greatest cities and national parks the east coast has to offer. We would go to the beach and she would comb for sea glass while I’d find interesting shells. We would say we were rich if we came back with a big haul. In the winter, we would make snow angels, and we even built a snowman in the park that lasted for weeks. We would drive by it and always giggle that he was still standing. We rode bikes together, one time broke both our hands within the same week.
Played beer die with each other and our friends. We went to countless bookstores to fuel her insatiable love for reading, I would peruse the music section to find classics. We would sit at the kitchen table and talk for hours and hours about everything under the sun. We grew together, and created the most beautiful relationship I’ve ever experienced. I loved her with all my heart. I trusted her completely. She was my Mur.
Betrayal
Two and a half years into our marriage and we make the decision to move her up to Maine for graduate school to pursue her dreams while I stayed back in Pittsburgh to pursue mine in my career. After a single semester away, she had a whole new group of friends, and a whole new personality. I visit every month, sometimes multiple times a month to stay connected to her, but slowly a divide grew between us. I get jealous of one of her new friends and ask if there is anything between them. She tells me no, and makes me feel bad for even considering it. One month later I learn the truth, she was having an affair with that “friend”, and I didn’t learn about it until her downstairs neighbors reached out to tell me.
That’s right, her downstairs neighbors were the ones to break the news to me. They sought me out and sent an email because they felt compelled to uphold their own integrity. For that I am eternally grateful. Maybe for every two horrible people, there are four great ones. I sent them a thank you present and they wrote back. If it wasn’t for them, I may have never known.
Grief
I’ve never been more betrayed in my whole life. The emotions I’ve felt in the past months as I work through the grief, and we work through the divorce, have been unbelievably horrendous. I can’t fathom how anyone could do this to the person they love, but here I am entrenched in sorrow and embarrassment. I’m lost, and alone. Afraid of the unknown to come. I’ve done everything I can to just stay alive. I used to say that this marriage was the greatest decision in my life, now I say this divorce is the worst moment in my life. I have never been lower. I had to call the suicide hotline one of the first nights after it all came to light because I was truly on the brink. Isolated and overwhelmed in grief in the home we made together. The home we survived in together, the one we were alive in together. The home where our love began.
What does it mean to be in love?
What does it mean to be alone?
What does it mean to be alive?
Introspection
I find myself asking these questions often now as the days go on. I keep moving forward while such a huge part of my life is now gone. Am I alone? Or am I free? What is life without love? Why have I chosen to stay alive?
I find myself asking these over and over. I ask, how could she have done this? How could you do this to someone you love? What does love even mean?
The answers never come. The questions create darkness I wallow in until my tear ducts have ran dry. I yell into the void for nothing but silence to return.
Nobody has the answers for any of these questions and it frustrates me beyond comprehension. I can’t even muster an explanation that even scratches the surface of all of these impossibly complex queries. Life is not simple. It’s undeniably complex and messy. I suppose the reason why this frustrates me so is because I’ve been proven wrong. Nobody really likes to learn of their own ignorance, it mocks us and belittles our ego. Instead of resenting my ignorance, I wish to understand. Perhaps I ought to embrace the ignorance and learn something instead. There’s got to be a lesson here in the mud. It feels as though the only reason I was “wrong” was because I felt like I understood what love meant, I felt sure of it. Perhaps you’re only wrong when you settle on an answer that you believe is definitive. Maybe the answers to those questions are never the same no matter who or when you ask them. The answers are alive and infinite. There’s beauty in believing you’re right, you can flourish for a time, but you must know deep down that all things change over time. As such, what it means to love, to be alone, to be alive, also change. Strength comes from understanding that fundamental truth, accepting it and enjoying all the moments regardless.
In my quest for understanding, I’ve neglected that truth. We try our best each and every day, but does it mean anything if it will all change and come undone in the end?
I’d like to think it does, but right now, I’m uncertain. Doubt courses through my veins. I turn inward once again in search of who I am, perhaps I can find meaning there. I need a question I can answer to get me moving again.
What are you going to do about it?
I am going to be strong. I am going to stay healthy. Worlds crumble, but from the rubble, they can be rebuilt. It’s winter right now in the season of life, and I know spring comes next. Soon the rains will pour and I will be given the greatest opportunity in life, growth. I’ve read back many of my words from times before and they all still resonate true within me. I am still a good person, and I still deserve a life full of joy and splendor. This relationship was not a failure by my doing. Blame isn’t always useful in situations like this, and it’s not fair to call the whole relationship a failure. There were many great lessons and successes along the way. What she did was wrong, but it’s only a failure if I reject the opportunity to learn and grow from it. Learning from a mistake that wasn’t your own can be difficult. But, I’ve learned and I’ve grown through many mistakes and failures before, and this one will be no different. I need a plan. I know that with hard work and dedication I will become a stronger version of me. Back to the book I go. New title, Keep Moving Forward.
As for the next few months, my main priorities are me.
1. Health and Fitness. I am going to get in the best shape of my life and I am going to love myself for it.
2. Focus on my career. I am going to reaffirm my passion for engineering and discover new pathways for my knowledge, expertise and skillset to be challenged.
All else is out of consideration.
I need a change in scenery, and I think its been far too long since I’ve been on the move, so I’ve got a few places to check off the list. They may not all get done this year, but as I take a break from working, here is where I plan to go.
Spain
Croatia
Austria
South Korea
Japan
Vietnam/Thailand
Singapore
Philippines
New Zealand
I’ll still keep my house in Pittsburgh for when I eventually return home. But I don’t plan on living there forever. I hope my new work situation will take me to the pacific northwest. Somewhere where there are beautiful beaches for relaxation and cloud cresting mountaintops for ascending.
I’m not going to stress myself out and worry about finding love again for a while. If it finds me, I’ll be the best me to accept it. For now, I’m going in search of knowledge. I’m going to find myself.
P.S. I miss you, Lumen.
