Complexity of Emotions
There are times in our life in which we are happy. Inevitably, there will also be times in our life in which we are sad. What many people don’t realize is that oftentimes you’ll find sorrow in happiness, you’ll find happiness in sorrow, and that’s not unusual. That’s not some weird oxymoron that shouldn’t happen or shouldn’t be expected. At the end of the day, emotions are really just the byproduct of our minds doing our best (it’s best) to navigate the challenges of life by turning knobs and flipping triggers and switches to instigate different chemical reactions in our head.
Happiness in Sorrow
These moments can provide great confusion. They can lead an individual to believe that they’re broken inside. Imagine this: you’re depressed, you haven’t seen a light at the end of the tunnel for a tunnel that you’ve been in for months, if not years. Yet on occasion, something occurs in your life that causes you to smile. That inkling of happiness in a great time of sorrow can spur hope, but also can drive you insane. I know from personal experience that one of the worst parts about depression is the fact that all of the things that you know to be happiness-inducing don’t induce happiness. I keep a book of all the things that I enjoy (or at least a page in the book) and the power of those things gets taken away by the mind state that you’re in when you’re deeply depressed. To think that your mind has control over what you know to be a happy thing is really frustrating. The deprivation of joy from that thing, may it be a favorite meal, song, or activity, is annoying beyond belief. Not only are there instances of glimmer and hope in these long runs of dark tunnels, but every once in a while, it’s not even a glimmer, it’s not even a hope that brings a smile to your face. It’s actually the realization that you’re still moving forward. Just because you don’t see the light at the end of the tunnel doesn’t mean that you can’t acknowledge the positive progression you’re making towards the end of the tunnel. There will be moments in which that positive progression will inspire you and will make you happy. The moments are undoubtedly fleeting and usually quite short, but they are moments nonetheless. Moments that you get to experience joy whilst experiencing hardship and sorrow. I’ve even had moments where I was happy that I was sad, that I could feel anything at all was something to rejoice in. It seems desperate in a way to take such a negative emotion and flip it to be positive, but it’s not. It’s not desperate; it’s special.
Sorrow in Happiness
It’s the other way around, too. There will be moments where everything seems to be going right in your life, and you’re so happy that whatever you’ve been working toward or whatever it is that you’ve been doing has been providing you great feelings of success. Validation, may that be internal or external, and yet there’ll be glimmers of shame or desperation, doubt. Those feelings, they come off as negative, but they are real. It could be that they are empathetic responses to others around you, they could be moments of remembrance of days past, or they could be as simple as crying over spilt milk. There’s nothing wrong with you if a moment like that arises when you’re in the season of life that is summer and you recall a winter day. People often say that you need moments like that in order to truly appreciate what you’ve got. Now, I don’t know if I believe that or think it’s universal, but there is something to be said about having an appreciation for all of the times, good and bad, that you’ve had in your life. Your brain isn’t playing tricks on you. Your body isn’t intentionally fucking with you. It’s just how it is. It’s natural. Don’t fight it; embrace it.
For Your Greater Good
All of these things are a key part of what makes us human. We are able to process and experience these complex emotional reactions and responses to the external and internal stimuli that we go through, that we endure. You should take pleasure in the fact that you have the ability to feel in these ways. They are good for the development of your person, of your soul. They build you. They might build you by breaking you, but they will build you. You will become stronger because of the way that you feel, so long as you’re able to acknowledge how it is that you’re feeling, seek understanding for why it is you are feeling that way, and appreciate yourself for being alive.
Love Thyself
Don’t be ashamed, don’t be afraid. Be proud that you are who you are and you feel the way that you feel. Nobody can truly understand what it’s like to be you but yourself, so there is nobody around that can tell you you’re right or you’re wrong. At the end of the day, there may not even be a right or wrong; it just is. Life isn’t so black and white as many, including myself, make it. Embrace the grey. Love the sun as it peeks through the clouds of rain and thunder. Love the downpour that occurs on a bright sunny day. Love yourself for having the ability to shine as bright as the sun, to be as loud as a thunderous clap in a rainstorm. Love yourself even in moments of great sorrow as you move forward step by step in this very difficult life that you live. You deserve that love. Stay strong. Be true. Love thyself for all that you are, and for all that you will become.