Getting Away from Pittsburgh
I recently travelled to San Diego to celebrate my sisters graduation and awarding of her teacher’s credential. It was a hell of a vacation. I went with a couple of objectives in mind. Primarily to spend some time with my family, and to celebrate my sister’s achievement. Secondarily, I was hoping to take opportunities to experiment with some social scenarios I don’t normally engage in. In essence, to challenge myself socially. Push my own boundaries and determine how much I’ve grown. Also, how much I am able to push my social battery limits. Both missions were successful, however I did have an optional side quest I was unable to check off. More on that later in a future post.
Takeaways
So what did I learn? Well, family is a funny thing, and people are very proud of the relationships they have created. Humans are social creatures, right? They thrive off other human interactions, right? Well most people do, I do only sometimes. As I’ve discussed in previous posts, I find it tremendously difficult to engage with others when I am not mentally prepared for it. By mentally prepared, I mean, that I have the energy capacity and will to exchange with others. If either of those elements is not present, James is going to be a tough cookie to crack.
Family
The family was great. We had a few very nice dinners and took a few pictures with my sister all gown-ed up. I haven’t spoken deeply on my family before on this blog but I think it’s due time.
Born second of three to a set of two hard working parents. My middle child syndrome was felt fairly often. My grandma would be responsible for getting me and my two sisters to and from school every day, driving us in her blue ford Tarus bumping oldies. My older sister had great academic potential but was stifled but a few learning disabilities that she overcame through therapy. My younger sister was a social butterfly that enjoyed getting into trouble. Both my parents and grandmother recognized early on that I was a “mostly” easy case. Not that interested in breaking the rules, gifted in school which allowed me to skate by unassisted. This afforded me the opportunity to run my own show. By 13 I was working a steady soccer reffing job on the weekends, and when I hit 16, my license to drive became a gateway to freedom that moved me even farther from reliance on my family. What I didn’t know at the time was just how this fiercely independent boy would grow up to build complete self reliance, but would harbor trauma from his glass childhood.
I love my family, but that doesn’t mean I enjoy spending much time with them. I appreciate all that my parents, grandmother, and sisters did for me throughout childhood, but I became an adult much too young. That adult I became, he wasn’t a family guy. He wasn’t a friends guy. He didn’t really give a shit about forming relationships because his entire upbringing was a trial in self sufficiency and intentional isolation. This wasn’t “forced” onto me per se, I just knew I had an opportunity to alleviate some of the struggles that my family was having by just not being a problem. By getting out of the way, and laying low, I wasn’t a burden to the family. It was my opportunity to save them the stress. Let’s just say that hasn’t resulted in a fully functioning adult. The trauma of growing up on my own with little support from my family has ingrained into me a few dysfunctional behavior patterns that are hard to undo. We are working on them in therapy, wish me luck.
Friends
On the trip I met a bunch of new people and made a few friends. Over the week I spoke in depth with over a dozen unique beautiful humans. Half of them were friends of my sister, the other half were complete randoms. Whether it was going to a underground speakeasy jazz bar, or bumping into people on a hiking trail, there were countless human interactions that challenged me to socialize and got me thinking. I wrote a post a little while back about an opening for friends, a help wanted. In that post I discussed what kind of people are my people, my true kin. From all of the people I met this week, one stand out in particular. A woman I met while hiking a beachside trail named Michele. Something about the way we connected felt so genuine and wholesome. Her spirit was of the same nature as mine, it felt. I was kicking myself after we parted ways for not getting her number or asking her to hang out more, but I’m treating that as a lesson to be more forward and opportunistic when I find those people. Something about her felt so right, like we could truly get along. Next time I won’t let that opportunity pass without getting contact information.
There seems to be a social formula people follow when they meet someone new. Step 1: fraternize and find commonalty, Step 2: trade names and touch, Step 3: dive deeper, Step 4: trade contacts, Step 5: Enjoy each others company. There is something about the pace at which that happens, or the phase transfers that intrigue me. Let me break down my thoughts on each of the stages and the transitions.
Step 1: fraternize and find commonalty
Wherever you are meeting this new random person, there is likely already some common ground to stand-on, leverage that to built rapport. Are you in a jazz club, what kind of jazz do they like? Are you on a trail, ask them how it compares to other hikes they’ve taken recently. This is why one of the most common questions I’ve heard as an opener is, “Do you come here often?” It’s a nice ice breaker that draws upon that commonality of environment. It doesn’t have to be the environment that you connect on first, it could be something else completely random. One thing I like to do is find something unique about them from their clothes/style/outwardly expressed persona and ask them about it. To be honest though, the hard part of this stage isn’t finding the thing of commonality, it is working up the nerve to say hello in the first place. It may sounds silly, but that initial hello is non-trivial. It takes courage to talk with random people, and sometimes I don’t have that courage. It might be something related to rejection avoidance. To be honest, the method I’ve adopted is to to look at them, smile, wave, say hi/hello/yo. That progression of human to human acknowledgement and greeting is simple and effective.
Step 2: trade names and touch
People have names, and getting a person’s name is a priority if you intend on becoming their friend. I very much enjoy getting to know people’s names, they are so fun and unique in their own right that it makes the process of learning and using their name that much more engaging. When I meet someone and get their name, 9 times out of 10 I will spell it for them, or ask them to spell it for me, so that I may lock it into my memory. It’s a very house bunny style of learning names. Spelling and pronunciation are key. The funny part about this stage is the trade and the timing. Many very successful extroverts I’ve studied go straight to the name then work to find commonality, I haven’t decided if that is better or not, but it’s one way to do it. There are two different ways that this trade can take place, either an asking of their name, an offering of yours. Not sure which is best yet, but they both seem to work fine. The most important part of this stage, however, is the physical connection. Men will often offer their hand first then give their name after a shake. Women no different, however sometimes it will be a hug. I very much appreciate this custom, but it is a challenge for me as I’ve already discussed in a prior post. A funny side note here is the different ways of which people offer first touch. The good ole fashioned shake, a lowkey fistbump, a highkey dab, or some other strange variant or combination. This is the part where I say that I need to get better at dabbing people up, because I like that one best, lmao. Even though it is a simple gesture, the interlocking of hands brings souls closer together. Our hands are probably our most utilized tools, so the sharing of touch of hands is very intimate. It makes sense that the trading of touch and names goes hand in hand.
Step 3: dive deeper
This is where things get interesting. Now that you have the person’s name, you’ve made your physical contact, and you are standing on common ground, you can learn about them on a deeper level. This stage is a green field open opportunity space. My favorite place to take conversation t this stage is passions and dreams. This is my personal favorite stage, probably because I love learning about people and find their interests extremely entertaining and engaging. Learning something new is fantastic, learning something new from someone new is even more thrilling. Sometimes keeping the conversation flowing can be a challenge. Some people are naturally good conversationalists, others have difficulty. Some people talk to much about themselves, or ask too much about the other person. Other people are short and uninterested, or sometimes just plain uninteresting. Boring people exist, no hate though, sometimes I wish for a boring life. It is usually at this point that you figure out whether or not this person is your kin, if you haven’t been able to determine that already. Not only will you be able to determine their kinship status, but you should also at this point determine their intentions. Are they talking to you to be friendly, or just to not be rude? Are they flirting, with romantic intentions, or for fun? This vibe check is ey to progress onto the next stage.
Step 4: trade contacts
Is they pas the vibe check proceed immediately to a trade of contacts. In the modern world people will often ask for your socials. Most commonly with my generation it is Instagram, very rarely snapchat or Facebook. If not socials, numbers. When I met Abraham at the jazz bar he was shocked to learn I didn’t have social media yet was delighted to take down my blog url. No numbers exchanged, but contacts, or should I say the ability to contact each other in the future, was transferred. I NEED to get better at this stage. Asking a person for their number is seriously no big deal. The risk to return is negligible. The risk is they say no and you never talk to them again, which, whatever. You probably just read the vibe check wrong earlier or they just don’t care enough, which is all good! But the return is you just earned social currency. You’ve earned a friend willing to speak with you again in the future. That’s not something to undervalue. You have no idea how fruitful that relationship can become in the future, it may even unlock additional friendships or even better additional experiences! Seriously, trading contacts is a big win-won scenario. Similar to trading names, there are a couple ways to facilitate this. You offer your number or you request theirs. Getting their number is probably the better power move but realistically it should be a transaction. So ensure that both parties have access to future communications if they desire it.
Step 5: enjoy each others company
Finally, when all formalities are out of the way, you are left with one final step that could vary greatly in duration and intensity. Enjoying one another’s company is a beautiful reward for working through the prior steps. Granted, ideally you’ve already been enjoying the company, but this is when the true fruits of the labor come to harvest. Sharing memories, sharing food or drink, sharing knowledge, sharing fun, are all one thing, sharing love. Soak up all of it. Love is a drug best taken regularly. Prescribed by people, distributed and dispensed by people, and universally appreciated by people. No other feeling in the world is better.
The Value People Place on Relationships
Something that I noticed many times over throughout the week was just how much people value the relationships they have. At first it felt like people were so proud of their friendships, like they earned them and thus were inherently valuable. It felt that friendships were a type of social currency, and if you had many friends you were rich, with less friends you were poor. I still haven’t completely understood this phenomenon, but it makes sense now why people are so devastated when they lose their friendships. Strange but understandable.
As I went about executing on the steps when meeting the dozen or so people this week, there were times where I faltered. Whether I failed to get someone’s contact info, or didn’t get past the first step. These instances are not failures, they are learning opportunities. Which each new person I meet, I learn better and better how to engage and connect with them. Not every interaction needs to get all the way to step 5, and not every interaction needs to go through each of the steps for it to be successful. At the end of the day, what matters most is that you were doing what humans do, being a social creature.
Now it’s important to give yourself some allowance to not always make every interaction so detailed. When your social battery is depleted, sometimes just a simple head nod acknowledgement is all you can muster. That is okay. Don’t force the conversation if it’s not on. Figure out what the signs of social battery depletion are. For me, it feels like an ick. Some gross feeling where I just can’t stand to hear anybody’s voice, or look at anybody’s face, or touch anybody. It sounds dumb, but I know my battery is out when I just straight up don’t want to be there. I’ll be tired, cranky, annoyed and distant. Forgiving yourself for not being able to engage so deeply from that point forward will get easier over time. The most important thing to remember is to honor your feelings. Recharging the battery is also an important task to master. For me that means explicit solitude and the complete removal of yourself from any social engagement.
Human Kind as a Social Animal … but Not Everybody is Extroverted
I am introverted, I’m not sure If I was always like that, but I know that now. I used to think I was an anti-social extrovert, but now I know I am a social introvert. Capable of engaging others, but at a high energy cost. People love to be around me, and I love to be around people, but the right people in the right circumstances with the right amount of energy reserves to handle it.
