For the past couple of weeks I’ve been working to better understand myself, specifically around my conceptualization of what a person is worth. When I was very young, one of my first profound thoughts was, “What is anything worth?”, “How can water be free from a faucet, yet alcohol $100 a bottle?” Of course, back then I had no idea just how tantalizing a great scotch is, nor did I fully appreciate the societal need to get blasted on the reg to cover up pain and internal struggle. Anyway… recently I’ve been revisiting this idea, but honing it specifically on what is a human’s worth. How do we derive value in life? This hasn’t been the first time I’ve dueled with this thought, and I’m sure it won’t be the last. It changes so often over our lives that no single answer is correct, no point in time assessment gives justice to the question.
What my problem is now, is that I’m wrong about what I believe is the answer. Okay, I might not be wrong per se, but I’m not right, at least not completely. Currently, my brain says to myself, “your value is determined upon the utility you bring to this earth”. Essentially, how well you serve yourself and others is how valuable you are. My therapist says this is a dangerous way to value a life exclusively… she’s right. After all, who am I aiming to please? My employer? God? Like, what a silly thought that MY value is actually determined from another’s perspective of me, or my contributions.
Aside
As an aside, one concept that I’ve unfortunately ingrained into my head is that my failures define who I am. On the flip side, for some reason, my successes don’t. Hmm. I think it’s pretty obvious something is wrong about that, probably a couple of things. First, your successes mean something. Second, your failures and successes are not you. You are not your failures nor are you your successes. They are simply something that occurs. You may have caused them, or maybe not, but either way, they are not your personality. They don’t define your being any more than the job you have at the moment. “You’re not your fucking Khakis”. So what are you? What are you worth? What is your worth?
Think
I’ve spoken to a number of my “people” and we’ve gone back and forth between what they think, what I think, and what could be. I’ve learned through these conversations that my current position is not the entire picture I ought to be looking at. What I thought before about the utility of man is maybe just half the equation. I was stuck in an extrinsic-exclusive mentality. Judging one solely on their output pays no mind to the input, nor the black box of themselves much at all. Shit, I might as well have only been looking at a third of the equation. So what about the inputs and black box then? How do we grade those to get a fuller picture of an individual’s value?
Behind door number 1, the inputs. I read a quote recently from a lovely book (review landing shortly). “People who have experienced deep suffering and are still gentle with others do not get enough credit”. Some people have it so damn easy in life, and they treat people like shit, or output nothing of great utility. Others will endure the most horrendous hardships, be born with debilitating ailments, be disadvantaged beyond comprehension, yet still achieve fantastic outcomes in life. I mean, some of the greatest people in our generation have been disadvantaged with poverty, abuse, or disability, yet still deliver undeniable beauty in art, sport, engineering or business. Doesn’t that stand for something? Shouldn’t that mean something in terms of their value? I’d wager it means their worth is even greater. To start from negative and go to positive? That’s value. It’s not easy to measure, but it could possibly be named: Determination? Will-power? Something like that, I guess. The end to end change one creates in themselves and others cannot be overlooked. What should we call this derivative of a person’s life, the change in value? I’d rather not get all mathematician up in here and give it an exponent, but rather choose a name. Growth?
What about door number 2? The black box, what’s behind door number 2? A BRAND NEW CAR!!! No. It’s actually better. It’s the machine behind the curtain, the motive behind the man. It’s the drive. The love, passion, curiosity, and wholesomeness of the person. Can you tell by talking to somebody for a few minutes whether or not they have a golden soul? Maybe you can tell within a few breaths. You watch someone as they yield right of way on the road to a pedestrian, give up their seat on the tram to the pregnant woman or elderly. Manners maketh man, but I’m not just talking about manners. I’m talking about the pureness of one’s self. Are you a good person? I’d like to think most people would say yes to that question. But how good of a person are you? Have you wronged others before, have you made those wrongs right again? Not easy to define objectively, is it? Even harder then inputs and outputs I reckon. Without a doubt, though, there is a spectrum of good and bad people. I don’t really love using the terms good and bad in this context, but simplicity in my heart says those words work just fine. Other words like pure or wholesome just don’t cut it for me right now. TBD on a better word for this spectrum. Intrinsic value may just be it.
Think Forward
Intrinsic value doesn’t require another person’s judgement. It doesn’t rely on what you do or what has happened to you. Each person in this world gets to chose how they are. With actions and words they can show others. But, their internal holiness is untouchable. Immeasurable by most standards. “I’m going to show you how great I am”, Ali said it best. You are great, and it shows, not the other way around. “You get what you get and you don’t throw a fit”, what should I throw instead? Only you decide that. How great are you? How great am I? What’s my value? I’ll throw wisdom, appreciation, love. Because after all is said and done, I choose to be better and to make the world a better place, regardless of what get’s thrown at me.
“The deepest urge in human nature is the desire to feel important” – John Dewey
Do you believe him? The early 20th century philosopher wasn’t the only one to recognize the deepest desires of man center around the feeling of importance. But it begs the question, how does one achieve the satisfaction of this urge? I wager most people would give an answer like work or family as how they derive their feeling of importance. However, I’d say they are missing a fundamental truth. One does not need the gratification of others to obtain a feeling of importance. Similar to self regulated feelings of success, individuals can tell when they are important without hearing any affirmation from others.
Every person derives happiness and importance in different ways. Like I said in my life mission video, the meaning of life is subjective for the individual and objective for society. Yet so many people don’t have a good understanding of what their why is. Simon Sinek gave a really good TED talk about how the greatest organizations are successful because they start with their why. But it works for people too. Most people are often distracted with the less important vagaries of life. So distracted that they never clearly define their reason for living, their why.
Many videos on the internet talk about how to find your life purpose, but never give practical advice. This post provides a practical way to discover your why and transition to a more purposeful life.
Another important question is: Can someone live their life happily without fulfilling this urge to feel important? My argument is, not for long. Two major emotions keep us alive, hope and fear. The hope for a better life and the fear of death. The moment you stop fearing death and don’t have any hope for a better future, suicide is fair game. I’ve been there, I know how it feels. Hope is a far reach when you don’t feel productive, don’t feel like you’re making a difference, don’t feel important. So without fulfilling this desire to be important, you open up the doors to a life void of hope.
I haven’t met a person yet that hasn’t been forced to struggle at some point in there life. No person I know hasn’t had doubts about their future, and many have been through very similar states as mine. However, from what I can tell, one needs to experience this sort of emotional low in order to make a pivotal realization. Keep living and fight for importance, or die/live in sorrow and complacency.
In this post I will highlight how to turn this realization into action, using my own personal story as an example. Navigating this transition is a very personal endeavor, there are many ways to do it, but this one is mine. The post will be split up into Pre-Transition, Transition, and Post-Transition. At the end I will conclude with some final tips for success and words of encouragement.
Pre-Transition: The Storm Before the Calm
There are usually only a choice few occasions that will arise in one’s life allowing for a real shift in mentality. If the individual doesn’t recognize these opportunities, or is not ready to make a change, they miss their chance to springboard themselves forward into purposeful happiness. So let me explain what the opportunity looks like so you won’t miss it.
First off, age doesn’t really matter. Generally, the sooner the better because if you are living a life without directive, you’ll end up like the 49 year old taco bell cashier I meet in Pittsburgh.
Before I go any further I want to provide a disclaimer, not every person needs to want to kill themselves in order to make a healthy transition. I hope nobody has to go through that feeling. Here’s what classifies an opportunity to revolutionize one’s life:
An unavoidable life obstacle that challenges an individuals core beliefs or fundamental principles.
A lot more fear than hope. The less hope, the better the opportunity to change. If hope is a gauge on your vehicle of life, the low light better be on.
That last bit of hope must be a deeply rooted desire to have a better life. One must have that sole hope in order to grow it into a fully flourished motivation.
With just those three requirements any person can turn a hardship into a catalyst for incredible change. Without the first, there is no need. Without the second, there is no desire. Without the third, there is nowhere to begin.
If there is truly no hope left, I urge you to think about your whole life and what is left to live. Think of all the potential you can have in one day’s time, the lives you could change with so little of your effort and time. Then realize you can have many more days if you make a change now.
If all three of these factors are at play, don’t let the opportunity pass without taking it, you may never have the chance again.
For me, at 21, I went through an incredibly powerful depression for many months. I was about to graduate college with no idea what I really wanted to do. I lost the person I was closest to because of my self hatred. I became an alcoholic, and became reliant on drugs to distract me from the truth. The truth that I was loosing hope. I was lucky, others still believed in me, but I was dwindling day after day. On the brink of suicide I realized my opportunity. Young, full of potential, I could be whomever I wanted to be. So I put into motion a grand plan, to transition myself into adulthood and a happier, more purposeful life. With help, I recognized the root of my depression, and fought tremendously to repair my mental. And I still fight every day, because as you’ll soon hear, you must never stop trying.
Transition: Navigation
Once you recognize your opportunity is here and you are ready for a change, waste no time, make a plan.
Write your feelings down, this is an absolute must. Not only to document your transition, but to remind yourself daily of why you are moving forward. Get a book, a composition book, or a journal, whatever suits you best. Name it, not some human or pet name, name it something inspiring, something you want to remind yourself every time you see it. I named mine, “Never Stop Trying”, but you need to make it personal. Something like “Feel” or “Be Strong”, ya feel me?
This book represents your new life. It will always be on you, and will go wherever you go. Take it work, the gym, parties, I don’t care. You will need it at the most random times to remind yourself why this part of your life is so important.
The book will be split into three main sections; Principles, Goals, and Objectives. How you order it is up to you, but let me explain what belongs in each section.
My principles are in the back, they are broken up into four very important sections, which I consider the basic set every person should have. Desires, Needs, Values, and Passions. Each is a numbered list of emotions, concepts and items I feel belong in that category.
Desires: What do you want from this Earth, yourself and others? Needs: What do you need from this Earth, yourself, and others? (I have another right after called material necessities where I list every thing that I need, it’s helpful to not be cluttered during this process) Values: What do you love about this Earth, yourself, and others. Passions: Why do you choose to keep living on this Earth?
Writing these down in list format will give you a physical reminder of what you want out of life. Everything that you write down should be from your own thought, don’t write something down that you’re not super confident in. Each list should be on its own separate page, and I would recommend leaving space in-between them in case your list flows onto the next page.
Some overlap between lists is alright. For instance: Love is number one on both my lists for desires and values.
What goes in the list can be either broad concepts like love or specific items like bubblegum. Always remember these lists define your core principles in life, be explicit. As mentioned, break up needs into material and meta so you can differentiate.
I strongly recommend being alone for this initial process. Give yourself some time to think clearly, creatively, and critically on these topics and fill up the pages with as many things as possible. On the other hand, don’t feel bad if your list doesn’t fill the page. Some of my sections only had 5 things listed for a while. You will continually update these lists and add more whenever you need to. And you better write down this book as a need haha.
Once you run out of ideas for additions to your lists on the first run, look them over. Read them and know them, after all, they are you. When you realize another, take a second to write it down. Waste no time, stop whatever you’re doing and put it in the book. The sooner it’s in the book the sooner you can implement it into your goals.
That’s right, you’re going to need to make goals. At least a rough plan on where you want to be in the future. I suggest planning it out as specifically as possible for 5 years down the road, then more general 10-15 years out. Each page in your goals section should be a period of time amounting to a few months all the way to a few years. These time periods are big chunks in your life that will present novel and challenging obstacles to overcome.
I’ll talk about the third section in the post transition phase, because that section grows by the day.
Overall, the initial transition shouldn’t take too long, less than a week I’d say. Of course, you’re not totally in the clear yet, but at this point you should have a good understanding of the general direction you want your life to go. The rest of the transition will include you working toward these goals, keeping in mind the principles you defined for yourself.
Post-Transition: Grinding
The last section will hold the bulk space of the book because you’ll be writing in it everyday. This is where you will write incremental goals on a daily basis. These objectives can be completed in a shorter time frame, and after completion you can cross them off. Think of a running TODO list. Each morning I write down what I want to accomplish that day and think about how that will help me realize my main goal. Another approach to this is utilizing this section as a sort of diary. I don’t think this is as functional since it doesn’t require you to be explicit with your daily intentions. So I would recommend my methodology, but remember to make it your own.
If fitness is one of your desires, take a page or two to create a workout regime. If health is one, take a page to plan out meals for a week. If it’s financial integrity, create a budget. See what I’m saying? This is where the action takes place. Take your principles and goals and create actionable objectives to realize them.
Don’t bullshit this, seriously. Nothing in this book should be a joke or not sincere, don’t lie to yourself let alone others.
Your thought process for this section should be, “What do I want to accomplish today and how will it help me move towards accomplishing my main goals?”
Try and hold yourself accountable, not only for writing in it everyday, but also for finishing the tasks you set for yourself. If you don’t accomplish all your objectives for the day, make sure they are at the top of the list for the next day. If an objective slips for more than a few days, reconsider its importance. What greater goal are you holding up by not doing this smaller one? Is it completely necessary? How can you break it down into smaller goals so you can better track your progress? These sorts of questions can aide you in understanding why you wrote it down in the first place and can help you move forward and accomplish them. For instance, writing down something like “apply for jobs” is futile, make it something like “apply to 5 companies”. SMART goals people.
It’s okay to miss a few days here and there. I encourage taking a few breaks as long as you are doing something you value. Try and limit this though, especially in the beginning. We are trying to build a habit, consistency is of utter importance. The more routine you make your life, the easier it’ll be.
I also use this section to take notes on major events in my life. Try not to clutter this section, but it’s all yours, so do what you want with it. And always do what makes you happy, that’s the goal of this all, so keep it in mind.
Conclusion: Tips and Closing Remarks
Just because you’ve passed the transition, it doesn’t mean you’re in the clear. As you write down goals recognize that each of them will require great strength to complete. Many more hardships are yet to be faced, many will be unplanned. Your general trend will be towards a happier life, but it will still have ups and downs always.
If you catch yourself slipping, not writing in the book daily or not feeling much better, go back through your goals and principles and remind yourself of your why. Convince yourself that going back isn’t an option and the only way forward is by keeping to this book and working hard.
You’re never truly done.
Celebrate major accomplishments, cross things off with a smile. You’re making progress! It’s important to recognize that!
When you run out of pages, celebrate by getting another book and christen it with a new name!
Be sober more. Don’t make excuses for yourself, don’t attempt to escape reality. In order to accomplish this transition you must have a deeply rooted understanding of what is real and what you’re capable of.
Love yourself! Be your greatest advocate, fight for what you believe in and defend this book. Be open to change and alteration of your goals. If something doesn’t feel right, change it.
As I mentioned before leave extra space after your goals and principles. If you change your mind on the goals you want to accomplish, don’t erase or tear out the page. Put an X on the page and write your new plan on the blank pages you gave yourself. Try not to do this too often, because your time is valuable and you want to be working productively towards the right goal.
Learn to be okay with being alone. This one is a tough one, but very important. Throughout your life there will be many times where you feel very alone. Recognizing that this is okay and only temporary will help you not fall into a deep sadness. Know your fears, encourage your hopes, and try to be in control of your emotions. Learn when it’s okay to be sad and when you should be happy. Never suppress your emotions, just try your hardest to understand why you are feeling them. Here’s a poem I wrote on this idea:
Alone is Okay
Where in the world do you find yourself now?
As you look up and down, left and right.
You're alone, but not afraid.
Worn, but not tattered.
You wait for a message, a response to your call.
You get it ... it's you ... and you hear, "Hello?"
And that's when you realize,
it's just you.
Nobody's here to help.
And that's okay.
Understand that it is going to be a lot of work. Life is not easy. Embrace the challenge and push forward into the darkness. You are the leader of your life, don’t follow anyone. You may lead with people, but never let anyone control your path. You can do this.
